Memoirs of Her Scent

Ch5: Regardless, the Girl has Mettle – Twelve Feet Under

Previously;

I promise Bella, for Edward, I'll make you safe so sleep and dream of your lover until we get to Phoenix. Sweet dreams… I wished her as she fell into a fitful sleep at my touch.

Things I learned about Bella during our trip? Smiles maliciously she talks in her sleep and tells Edward how much she loves him, so amusing, now I understand why he loves to watch her sleep.

Actually, I never knew Edward had such an ego he has to constantly hear her say how much she loves him, I know an Edward-iffy weakness! Well, you do learn something new every day. Also, you can ask Bella something while she's asleep and she actually answers! I mean, I was only kidding when I asked her about the airport but she actually answered, I wasn't sure if I should believe her- I mean she was asleep but then we passed right by it, this threw Alice and I into a fit of laughter. Truly, Bella Swan was something else.

Well, we are here… and now we wait some more.

Now I was angry, amazed, astounded, and deranged as I paced up and down, trying to understand how on earth Bella had escaped me without my knowledge as Edward made his verbal display of how angry he was with me. Try as I may, I could not calm the situation, hell, I was not calm myself!

Clearly, Edward's discontentment at my failure made me more wary than when he had tried to strangle me as I confide the news of Bella's disappearance to him. I had never seen him more torn or distressed than now, in the short time I had been made the new addition- in vampire years it had been short, as for human years- you could say it had been quite long.

First of all, she actually resisted my attempts at trying to calm her as I tried to endeavor her into induced sleep back at the hotel, I mean- that had been awesome. I never knew anyone to defy my power before like she did and that truly took me by surprise, and like I said before, that Bella Swan is something else. Not only did she defy my power then, but also she actually cunningly used my own knowledge, mingled with hers, against me.

I almost mentally kicked myself in the head for thinking that she was finally– finally what, rather than Alice? I do believe I have gone off topic… Anyway, when she had asked for me to escort her to the bathroom I had thought it had been only obvious. Because, I mean, she had been so distressed and nervous, and my thoughts had gone to it probably being related to her reunion with Edward, but boy had I been proven wrong. She had been distressed for a whole other reason, one that would have never crossed my mind.

At first, as I waited for Bella outside the women's bathroom, I thought nothing of her fifteen minute absence until it became the twenty minute absence– I knew women had the tendency to take forever while at the "Ladies," but Bella had not stricken me as one of the followers of this sort of rule all women seemed to follow, damned or not; at the very least, not to the extent where she would pee for half an hour. As I allowed it to go to a twenty-one minute grace and she still had not come out I, Jasper Hale, began to panic- yes, believe it or not, I was panicking over a human girl.

Since I did not want to risk loosing myself by going in there and looking for her –I mean, what if one of them was in their time of the month, surely, that would be bad for my health– I had decided to thread my endowment to find her scent, that unique scent that tantalized me even in emotional form.

My threads followed hers with precise ease, until they hit a dead end; there had been another exit to the women's bathroom. Her absence was so tangible that it almost hurt to not feel her nearness, making me wonder why I had not realized her absence sooner –I cursed at this discovery, as I quickly went to find Alice at an almost inhumane speed, given my paranoia. However, she had met me half way; maybe she had seen it just a tad bit too late.

I suppose it would be far from the truth to say that Alice was panicked and confused by this new development. Actually, frenetically distressed would probably describe her current state with far more authenticity than anything else. I apologized over and over again to Edward; I did not understand why he was not giving in to my attempt at finding grace once more, even in my demise.

My apologies had never been more sincere, I was sure that he could figure this out by just listening to my screaming thoughts without much effort. I was screaming with remorse inside, and my outward demeanor confirmed it, as a result he could have remained angry, but should have calmed down considerably.

Then it hit me.

His distress was too great as he emerged himself in his own thoughts, too busy with his own screaming thoughts that my own thoughts probably seemed like indistinct white noise in the background. That would be the only explanation.

After what seemed an eternity –a century, perhaps– Alice allowed her recollection of scattered pieces of visions to be seen by Edward and then she told him everything that Bella had told us about that mirrored room, the one she thought was the one just down the street to her mother's apartment where we believed she was being held. He hissed angrily at this, looking my way making me tense up. I did not wish to fight my brother, but if I was lowered to that, then, so be it.

However, before Edward or I could do anything, Carlisle, the voice of reason, spoke as he placed a compassionate hand on either of our shoulders. Soon, a plan that we all agreed to was set in motion and we all headed to find Bella and the retched James, and I found myself praying, like never before, for my– my brother's mate wellbeing.

Needless to say, killing a vampire can be quite a messy affair and one that I enjoy nonetheless. Especially if the vampire in question presented a threat to one of my loved ones, like one James presented at the present moment to my– my brother's Bella.

As we followed Bella's almost nonexistent scent, mainly relying on Edward, we arrived at the scene and my body went rigid as Edward went paler than usual as the pungent smell of Bella's blood hit us like a brick wall, full force. Even before the car had made a full stop Edward had hoisted himself out of the car, leaving a whispered trail of, "Not her, please, not her. God, please, let me not be late," in his wake, that almost reduced me to shreds. Emmett was hot in his tail and soon the whole family followed suite. I trailed not far behind.

Never had the sight of human blood repulsed me before as it did then, when my eyes found the still pale figure of Isabella Swan on the wooden floor in a puddle of her own tantalizing blood. The ****** had bitten her arm. I hissed as I backed to the doorframe, stepping away from temptation, as her blood now called out to me in that way it knew I could barely resist.

That was what had me repulsed the most –I too wanted her blood, thirsted for it, sickeningly so. Carlisle, the one with the most control at the sight of blood, did not hesitate like the rest of us and went to lend Edward a hand, not that he needed it. But, from where I stood, I could feel the conflicting emotions that surged through Edward.

On one hand, he wanted to pulverize the cretin before him to ashes and then step on them. While in the other, he just wanted to check on Bella and make sure she was all right. All the while, holding his breath and not trusting his self control when faced with such exquisite temptation. I could not blame him.

Though, it was evident he had realized that Bella had in fact been bitten and something told me that he had stepped in just as James had done the damage. By now, James looked the worst for wears, several of his stony body parts were crawling from different places and distances along the wooden floor trying to keep up so as to regenerate.

Soon after the cretin had been handed over to us, no leniency would be given, and I was more than grateful to have something to busy my mind with other than chant and chide myself from the bloodlust that I had almost indulged myself in. Emmett had been more than happy to oblige, like me, and soon we were making bets and arguing over who got to set James on fire but not after ripping him to shreds, and of course I won that bet.

It had just taken a bit of outsmarting to do –cough–manipulation–cough– and I tell you, I had not had the pleasure of exterminating someone with such glee as now. The mess we made had been a masterpiece that not even Leonardo da Vinci could have contorted with such limited time and resources. To say the least, I was satisfied with my, our, masterpiece….

It all could be fitted into one simple word; Beautiful.

Then again, the momentary pleasure of mutilating the fag of pulverized soot now clenched in my fists did nothing for my nerves. Emmett and I had taken James to a secluded area, where no human could suddenly step in on us while we mutilated a cowardly Vampire only to turn him to ashes so that we could step over the charcoal pile and have him where he belonged, under our feet. The victory was sweet and short-lived; all I kept doing was second-guessing myself…

Was Bella going to survive this? How would Edward deal with it if she didn't? And what were we going to tell her father, Charlie, about the whole situation, if she did not come through?

Stop it!

Why did I always have to be so negative? I knew Bella was stronger than that, she had proven it to me herself on several occasions. I had plenty of reasons to believe, hope, and know that she would in fact, pull through for all of us. Especially for Edward's sake, if nothing else, he needed her like she needed air. That much was evident, in his daily torture of loving her while wanting to drain her.

Before, I admit, I was a bit disgusted by Edward's dependency of Bella as he had turned her into his reason for living. All in all, however, I think I was jealous of the fact that the way he felt toward Bella and the way she felt toward him seemed stronger than anything I have ever felt. Never had I felt such love and warmth radiate from one source, especially not from a Vampire. Not even Alice and I could compare to their feelings.

Do to this, you could imagine the shock I received when we arrived at the scene once again and I learned that Edward had actually rid her of James's venom. Before it had reached the point of no return, he had actually tasted her blood and had been able to pull away. She was still alive… I could not believe it…

He had had enough willpower to stop drinking from that sinfully tantalizing nectar that called out to him even stronger than it called to me. How he managed, I will never know. Actually, I would never like to find out how that would have turned out had it been me… I never would have guessed that I could admire my brother more than I already did. I already had him on quite a high pedestal. I guess it could not hurt to boost his ego a tad more. Not that I would ever mention it, but then again, he would find out anyway, if he had not already.

All I know is that Bella is going to pull through and now Edward has a greater right to act smug, more so than before. That is one mortifying thought indeed; I could taste the happiness and smugness radiating from him already –ugh! Still, there is sorrow, guilt, worry, and yet, the love for the human he holds in his arms surpassed them all.

Bella had been taken to the hospital where she was given an emergency blood transfusion that made her smell all wrong, that was, according to Edward– I could not have stayed at the hospital even if I had wanted to, and I had wanted to. But, I knew the temptation would have been too overbearing, and I was restraining myself to the limit as it was. Edward would take good care of her, of that I was certain –without a shadow of a doubt. That appeased me.

Charlie and Renee, the worried and mortified parents, had been called, and given a petty account of Bella's condition, with an obvious lie about the account of events that they were none the wiser to. She had tripped and fallen out a window –I had thought that to be a bit farfetched, but they had actually accepted this excuse! When questioned –by me– Edward just settled with, "It could happen, at least to Bella, she's such a klutz," while chuckling.

No pun intended, though, he was probably imagining the whole thing happening as he chuckled. I was sincerely beginning to fail to grasp his sanity, or anyone else's for that matter. Even Carlisle had agreed to this petty excuse! What had this world come to?

During the following weeks, as I got to know Bella, after her recovery, I discovered that Edward had not, in fact, been exaggerating –Bella was a magnet for tragedy, a complete klutz. Not to mention the floor seemed to love her! But I never allowed her blood to be spilled while I was around and nor did the others, knowing that it would be disastrous and for this I was grateful.

Then again, Edward was always there to catch her, much to Emmett's and my amusement. Though often times I wished he were not… so that I could win my bets, that is. Yes, as you might have guessed, Emmett was getting back at me for outsmarting him –cough–manipulating him–cough–back in Seattle by always choosing my obvious peeks before me, but the war of the bets would not end there… no it would not, not as long as I had not become ashes.

While I kept track of my bets and my many other attempts at practical, yet, convenient jokes I got to know Bella better and in the slightest, got to comprehend even more Edward's infatuation with the girl. I realized that she and I possessed several things in common, such as our love for classical novels and literature in general.

Often times we would have heated discussions until one of us got too pent up or Alice and Edward appeared soliciting our divine attention. But most of the time it would come to a close when Edward would enter her line of vision, then she would become too dazzled to even form a coherent word my way or to even notice me. For some reason, when this happened, I would laugh, a laugh much unlike myself, sort of ominous.

The days along with the nights came and went, until the school dance. The day I would always remember as the day Alice, almost, fell out of grace with Bella. And what a memorable day it was! Despite Bella's many warnings and pouting, which Alice had all but ignored, Edward had taken a beautified –by Alice– Bella to the dance.

She had looked beautiful… though that word could hardly make her any kind of justice, in comparison to how she had looked that night. Of course, she had nothing on my Alice… Alice had looked breath taking and lovely in her little black dress.

The dance went without incident apart for the sudden murderous jealousy that had engulfed me at one point. Upon investigation I realized that it had been coming from Edward who, at that moment, seemed to have been without Bella. I frowned as I followed his line of vision.

There she was, on the dance floor, dancing with a boy I had never seen before. The waves of jealousy rippled through my body with renewed strength as the boy complimented Bella on her attire. Of course, the jealousy I felt was all Edward's… who seemed to have wanted nothing more than to have Bella, safely, back in his arms.

And then, came Bella's birthday… and my undoing.

Alice had been Alice, refusing to listen to anything Bella had to say or her protests about how her birthday should not be seen as something of a big deal… And knowing Alice, I knew why Bella felt this way, beside my enigmatic power. She did not wish to make a spectacle out of her birthday seeing, as Alice would have thrown the whole thing out of proportion.

And, mind you, she had. Despite, like I said, Bella politely asking –well, ordering really– that no one get her any presents this year, Alice had even gotten her some presents… and us to get her some presents. Though I was positive I had heard Bella say something about not spending money on her and presents, which we all had done. Apart from Edward, always the smart one or more like the one who knew her best.

Edward arrived leisurely with a smiling Bella on toe, a teasing smile I may add. We were all waiting for Edward to bring Bella in our vast white living room, and as they walked through the door we greeted her with a chorus of, "Happy birthday, Bella!" making her blush that lovely shade she seems to hue without effort and look at her feet making her look that much more enticing.

Shaking those thoughts away, before Edward could catch them, I focused on Bella's reaction and sudden distress, which Edward managed to asphyxiate with an encouraging arm around her waist and a kiss to her forehead. Esme and Carlisle, the closest to her, greeted her and then my attention span suddenly shortened as Emmett greeted her and caused her to flush a deeper shade of rouge causing me to take a precarious step away from her –for good measure.

Some more of what sounded like mumbling from Emmett and he was gone, leaving me to focus fully on her rouged cheeks. That was, until I felt Alice letting go of my hand –I had forgotten she had been doing so– and going over to hug Bella with a wide smile. I too smiled, but kept my distance, hoping that Bella would not feel too oversensitive about it.

I still had trouble being near her, no matter how much closer we had gotten, because it had all been within a good ratio of ten feet, always. We had tried the five feet thing but it had not worked that well, I wanted her too bad, thirsted.

"Time to open presents," Alice declared.

Alice towed Bella by the elbow to the glass table with the cake and all the presents we had gotten her on it as she martyred herself.

"Alice, I know I told you I didn't want anything–"

"But I didn't listen," Alice interrupted, smug as I laughed silently. That was an understatement. "Open it," Alice ordered as she took the camera, I now noticed, Bella was holding and replacing it with a big, square silver box, which I knew was Emmett's, Rosalie's, and my present.

It was empty.

Now illumination came to me as to where Emmett had disappeared to, he was installing Bella's present. Making it so she could not return it, given how much complaining she would probably bombard us with according to Alice and as such we were one step ahead. I waited nervously for her reaction as she opened the gift feeling self-conscious of our staring, though it did not show. I was not sure if I liked this new experience.

She tore the paper off and then stared at the now unconcealed box. Hoping for more illumination, apparently, she opened the box. She looked perplexed by the revelation that it was empty- this made me chuckle, her face revealed everything she was feeling, not that I needed much help in that department.

"Um… thanks," she said unsure.

I had to laugh at that and even Rosalie cracked a smile. "It's a stereo for your truck," I explained. "Emmett's installing it right now so that you can't return it."

"Thanks, Jasper, Rosalie," she said, grinning at us. There was something about the way my name sounded coming out of her lips… I shook my head. "Thanks Emmett," she called more loudly. We heard his booming laughter from her truck, and it seemed she could not help but laugh too.

"Open mine and Edward's next," Alice said excitedly in a high-pitch trill. I relished her excitement.

Then I heard the perfect tear of the skin being cut and the smell of her blood reached my nostrils, almost none tangible at first, but I fought for control though the demon in my view mocked me and my futile attempts. Though, as she examined the damage, a single drop of blood oozed from her minuscule cut. Everyone remained immobile, staring at that single liquid ruby, the thirst becoming unbearable. I absorbed all this, eyes darkening, focusing on the prey.

It all happened so fast.

One minute I was in control and the next my own personal demon had taken over. As I prepared to launch myself at her I think I heard Edward shouting after me, but I could not be sure.

I threw myself at her and everything was blurred, but the sight of my bleeding prey. As if from a far away distance, I heard a distinct shatter that I could only imagine was crystal fragmenting into shards bathed in intoxicating liquid red.

Then something was blocking me from my prey and I slammed into it with a crash.

With difficulty I zeroed in on my obstructer and let a grisly snarl escape from deep within my chest. I tried to shove past my obstruction, which I now discovered, was Edward as I snapped my teeth just inches from his face. I wanted to shred his face off and taste that tantalizing blood. I needed that single taste, now.

The next second, yet another, obstinacy was grabbing me from behind, locking me on a massive steel grip, but I struggled on, wild. I needed to taste that sweet nectar and I let my senses follow her scent until my eyes focused on only her. Glorious and burning thirst scorched my throat as more blood oozed out of my prey's searing arm, in a more provoking amount than before.

She was dazed, disoriented, and I wanted to take her and make the pests holding me back burn so that they would let me reach her… The fear mingled with her shock was exuberating, making her blood even more appealing in its intoxication. Need. So great was the need it hurt.

By now, I was trying to calm the monster in my view down, the demon, knowing that Edward and Emmett were the ones stopping me from doing the atrocity I was sure to follow my demon into –but a big part of me wanted to do it for… for her. I did not want to hurt her.

What if having a single taste lead into pushing her away or worst killed her. I would not be able to live it through that. That was for sure; much less have an eternity of mourning my mistake. My forever spent hating the fact that I should have been stronger but was not. I did not want that, much less than I wanted to hurt her and have her look at me with such fear ever again.

Still my sardonic personal demon would not listen to what little reason I was trying to pass on to him and my possessed body struggled at the hands of my saviors, my brothers. I think I heard Carlisle speak then…

"Emmett, Rose, get Jasper outside."

I felt another pair of slimmer, but no less strong pair of hands take a hold of me. At the same time, I heard a door open and waves of sham and smugness hit me, but nothing abided the monstrous demon. Rosalie had appeared before me and I wrestled against her, trying to get past her so that I could sink my bared teeth into Edwards neck and rip his head off. Only then would I be able to reach my prey. The plan seemed reasonable enough –focus Jasper, you do not want that.

"Common, Jasper."

I was being wrestled out of the amazingly scented room, still struggling, against my demons wishes and my relief as my unreasonable eyes stayed focused on its prey, and out through the glass door into the yard. Fresh air slapped me across the face instantaneously, regrettably, painfully taking that sinful scent with it.

"I'm so sorry, Bella." Shame filled the voice I suspected was Esme's as she cried and followed. She too must have been affected. Still, that did nothing for my internal battle.

I hated and I loved my brother and sister for their efforts, my self-hate reaching its pick. Once outside fresh air hit me, like a truck slamming unexpectedly, instantaneously, and regrettably, painfully taking that sinful scent with its forcefulness and I saw reason. Now it was not just Esme's shame that I felt but also my own overpowering hers. I was frozen in place, hearing everything…

"Let me by, Edward," Carlisle said.

Edward's emotions were struggling, trying to decipher whether or not to trust Carlisle's self control. In the end, he did and moved aside.

"Edward?" I did not need to hear this voice, not as it shook with fear. The fear I had induced, it hurt in a way that was even more torturous than the scorching thirst burning at the back of my throat. I needed to run, escape from this and run. No one would want me here now, not when I had threatened the one that brought life into our home, and for our brother's existence. I had been just about to take flight when her next words stopped me dead on my tracks. "Where's Jasper, is he going to be okay?"

Was she being serious? She was bleeding gushes of blood and she still found the time of the day to worry about me? The one that had inflicted the damage, this girl had gone past reason. It hurt, and though I wanted nothing more than to go and apologized I would not allow myself to be near her again, not if it could be avoided at all costs.

I had stopped listening. Apparently, I had started running. However, it was unavoidable, hearing what had been screamed next.

"Take me to Jasper, now, Edward!"

"Bella…" It was a warning from Edward. I felt a snarl rise to my lips.

"No, Edward, I need to know that he is okay," Bella had said. I still ran, trying not to listen, unsuccessfully.

"What, so you can get killed in the process or did you forget that you had almost been killed just seconds ago?" Edward hissed. My brother had no faith in me, not that I blamed him, but it still hurt. Did I really have to be damned and feel? Such a drag having to be a vampire, who had a sixth sense such as my own; feeling.

I ran… faster…

I heard the door being slammed, my name being screamed by a voice I painfully recognized, no fear laced in that voice. And yet, amidst the pain, I could not help but marvel at how much I longed to hear her voice screaming my name, it somehow elated me, to the point of fear.

"Jasper, wait!" Her cry sounded defeated, just like the way I was feeling.

Were those tears I heard sliding down smooth, soft skin? Impossible, I thought angrily, immediately dismissing the felonious thought out of my clouded-crimson mind.

"Edward, please…" I ran as if my life depended on it, I was sure that Edward would soon come after me; I could not face him, much less her.

However, just as I was about to make the turn that would take me farthest from them Edward was there, before me, cradling Bella like a loving child in his iron grip. I stiffened; I could still smell the blood and its alluring scent, I gulped. Edward was warily setting her down, at her request. Why could he not simply deny her what she wanted for once?

"Jasper," she started, I was frozen. Her scent was driving me crazy and Edward was growling a menacing warning that only I could hear, trying to distract my demon and me. I wanted to say something, anything, but somehow I could not manage to form a coherent enough phrase or sentence that deviated from my thoughts of walking up to her and alluring her into bearing her luscious neck to me for the seductive kill I was planning. However, now that I think it, sorry would have, probably, been appropriate. This inability to think clearly was becoming troublesome in more ways than one.

"Jasper," she repeated, inching cautiously closer and closer, without any trace of fear, only concern could be seen in her warm earthy eyes. Did she not see me for the monster I was? This frightened me; did she really believe I would not harm her after what happened just moments ago? She frightened me.

I took two quick a step back, she froze, her breath hitching. "It's okay Jasper, I'm alright," she reassured me soothingly; I closed my eyes and shook my head, trying to do anything in my power to distract me from her scent and the pleading in her big brown innocent eyes. So innocent, so sweet and so beau–

The one thing I regretted almost instantly, closing my eyes. Bella had sneaked up on me, she was embracing me, whispering to me that everything was all right and that she did not mind what had happened, it had been unavoidable. Suddenly I became very aware of her warmth against my cool body, the flow of her fevered blood and her closeness.

My head dipped instinctively, nostrils flaring, as I inhaled her sweet scent in deep searing gusts, sending a thrilled shiver down my spine, as my venom flooded my watering mouth and caressed my tongue with an almost lovingly tantalizing fashion.

My nose, now, trailing an unknown pattern at the nape of her warm, scented neck as I inhaled her deeper. Intoxicating myself further with her tantalizing scent. Bella sighed and relaxed in my hands, that unbeknownst to me, had found their way to her waist. Throwing her head back so that my other hand could cradle her neck in that comfortable position that would allow me to lower my lips and have my taste of her as she revealed to me the attractive hollow of her pulsating neck. I closed my smoldering eyes, relishing in the sensation of anticipation, and my long lashes caressed my skin with the lightness of Bella's heat. I was biding my time.

Accumulating the amount of relaxant that I would release on my victim so that she would not scream, fear, or struggle and that was when I realized something was wrong–Bella was in my arms, relaxed. There was no fear issuing from her, just undeniable trust.

I frowned, checking for leaks in my building narcotic, there were none. Fear ran through me in an almost chattering shudder that shook only me. Bella was doing this willingly. For my sake she trusted me. My eyes fluttered open, searching for Edward and his reaction to what was transpiring. My head turning only a fraction from my current position, unable to withdraw –too weak to do so.

He looked shocked, his fists balled in anger and confusion and my curious gaze turned into a giddy smug one angering him further, much to my eminent delight and entertainment. I almost laughed, but then remembered my current situation and all the humor was torn away, like a train wreck and I glared at the limp victim in my arms that was Edward's Bella.

"Are you an idiot Isabella?" I growled, disgusted with my self. I could not bring myself to pull away from were my nose was buried in her scented hair. I could almost hear her smile in response, this girl –no, woman– had mettle, or was it simply irrational stupidity soaring through her veins in warm, pulsing rhymes? It all sounded the same to me; I could not differentiate one from the other, when it came to Isabella Swan.

"You see, I knew you were in control," she said simply, still limp in my arms, somehow managing to shrug, looking at me from under her dark lashes.

"You are a fool!" I hissed. Edward growled as Bella winced when I tightened my grip around her involuntarily. I had done it. I had harmed her. Deterring myself from her and pushing her towards Edward, who was ready to catch her falling form, I fled, unable to face my fears.

"And you're still in control," she murmured stubbornly.

"Jasper?" Alice called as she pranced into our room where I was currently standing with my borrow creased as I gazed out the glass wall, as if it had offended me somehow, thinking of the day's event, my disgust still evident.

"Jasper?" she sighed, yet again reaching out to me when I had not responded or made any attempt at turning to face her, lightly placing a small hand at my shoulder. "Are you alright?" she inquired worriedly when I shrugged away from her touch, causing her to frown. "Please, talk to me…"

"Yes," I replied annoyed, still gazing out the wall without ever stealing a glance at her.

"You want to go somewhere?" she offered. "Get away from it all, take a breather… maybe even do some shop–"

"No," I said firmly as I abruptly cut her off. "I don't need a breather, Alice. What I do need is to be left alone with my thoughts, so that I can think. You cannot just wave away what happened with some "comfort" shopping," I informed her, just a little too harsh as her face crumbled with hurt. I was simply trying to get her to understand that I wanted her to leave without actually voicing out the request.

"Then, if you don't wish to shop, I know just the right place, it's secluded and even though we might have to travel–" I sighed heavily out of frustration at her insistent attempts as I molded my thumb and forefinger to the nook of my nose and momentarily closed my eyes. Out of all times that Alice could choose to be oblivious to my feelings and needs why did it have to be now, at this very fragile moment?

"Alice…" I started, releasing my fingers at the bridge of my nose, "I'm going out –to calm myself, to be alone so please, don't follow me." With that I took my leave, not caring to see the hurt that showed through her usually smiling face, I did not wish to dwell in it. Right now, what I was feeling did not allow room for any other emotions that might thread their way to me –especially not hers, not my Alice's. Having said that, I left her and ran, ignoring the concerned feelings and voices I felt and heard being shouted my way from my family as I fled.

As I ran, I did not think, I simply let my feet take me to where they wanted to take me. Now I was back at the beginning, where the hunt had started, as a result –call me a pessimist. I chuckled darkly and resentfully, without humor once I had a glance at my surroundings and discovered my misfortune. I could not quite place what I was feeling, I did not understand my feelings as of now, and all I wanted was to–

Next thing I knew, I was digging my fingers into the moist dirt beneath my feet, attacking the grass with my bare hands at an inhumane alacrity, daunting. I had dug twelve feet under, rather than the usual six feet used for burying carcasses, by the time I was satisfied with my work in the surrounding coolness of my handmade comfort zone.

The surrounding darkness took me in its arms with inviting tenderness, compelling me to do the one thing I wanted –scream. I screamed at the top of my lungs, shuddering along with the surrounding earth that shook with the release of my agonized screams as I clawed at the walls of dirt, seeking further release.

With every fistful of dirt and rock turning to dust as soon as my curling fingers would wrap around it, the action almost compulsory, came release. Taking fistfuls of dirt as I dug into the earth with my fingertips I sobbed, my cries shaking my body along with the earth above me, beneath me, and around me. Something that, had I done it above surface, would have caused too many unwanted problems.

As the earth shook beneath and around me I unleashed my emotions to their fullest, holding nothing back, the action almost dizzying –had I been human. My actions caused the dozen meters of wilderness above me to wilt and die in its wake. I could feel their meaningless existence banish as my agony touched them full force, plants, insects, and unsuspecting passerby birds alike, all now lifeless at my invisible touch. Innocent and unsuspecting as they were they could not have escaped something as overpowering as the prowess of my anguish, my touch was something like death to such meek and meaningless life sources.

My shoulders rattled as I tried to drown my renewed sobs, wishing I could actually feel the wet caress of tears sliding down my cheeks for once, but of course that was all just wistful thinking. As if in a miraculous answer to my unspoken prayer, I heard the first droplet of rain caress the grass from above with a loving grace and an echoing splatter, followed by the rumble of thunder.

Bitter laughter escaped my twisted lips at the irony of my thoughts; the skies could cry and have its lover bask in its sorrowed tears while I could not –when not even my lover could douse my affliction. Envy.

My pale fingers clawed deeper into the clay-like earth, clenching at it for support as my knees gave in and kissed the damped earth with the force of a lover's passion as my fears succumbed me into woe's depths. My screaming grew louder as my throat gave way to the rawness that accompanied such actions and the earth and I shook violently, threatening to break, like climaxing lovers.

I breathed heavily and raggedly as if I had run a marathon in a dash –my chest searing, causing me to feel suffocated and claustrophobic. One thought intruded and soared through my numbed thoughts, I needed to see the surface. With this one thought in mind I began to dig my way up the twelve feet, in the same exuberant fashion I had dug my way down the same twelve feet. My clawing became prominent as I escalated, feeling better as I clawed the last few inches.

As my face met the surface, and I howled myself out the hole I had dug, the cold-warm rain fell with enveloping wet caresses upon my cool skin –finally, I looked like I was crying. The skies seemed to care enough to cry for and with me, yet, I hated the rain –it was too calming for my taste. Irony yet again, sticking it to me.