Memoirs of Her Scent

by

Amaterasu Kinesi

(EDITED — Oct. 12, 2014)

Chapter Fourteen

January Awakens

…

Perhaps, I am waiting for the new moon to rise and awaken and illuminate, elucidate my clouded mind even. Waiting for the constellations to implode and scatter along the oppressing abyss that has overtaken my senses with weighing guilt and remorse.

Honestly, all I want and ask for is a little peace of mind; I cannot handle reliving the shame of that one moment of weakness on constant replay. Can't continue looking at the reflection of my monstrosity in Bella's dilated brown eyes, not any more. It is torture

Meanwhile, if eventually, thought will cease to exist. I can only hope… Innovative thoughts will be no more than withering beliefs, bruised within overstretching grasps that delude the mind into a numbing abyss of circumspection. Of course, I can only hope.

All that I need is a swift reprieve. Scratch that, I also want to remove the part of me that feels…However, not once, the conniving demon takes notice or decides to be kind. Instead, the predator within mocks me, constantly, and reminds me of my savage nature.

Our nature.

Contemptuous, the predator calls me weak and, at times, delusional. All the while, I protest and attempt to waste away, attempting to make a point and show my demon that I am the one who is in control. When I deter to this sort of strategy, the demon responds in kind and threatens. Promising that, if I continue to deny him the little I've been allowing him by supplying and taking our sustenance from critters, he will do something drastic.

'I'll make sure to stay true to our tyrannical nature,' my demon tells me. 'If this is how you want to play it, Jasper,' it hisses and continues, 'I'll take control and find the largest known city. Once there, we'll drain every last drop of blood from any living being we encounter.' Sounding pleased with the threat and my reaction, the predator finishes having his say, adding, 'Leaving no survivors, undead or otherwise.'

After that warning, I stop trying to starve my demon into submission. In retrospection, I understand that he isn't one to make empty threats and seeing as I don't want to have to live with the aftermath of the genocide my demon has in mind, I acknowledge that antagonizing a predator isn't the best choice.

Still, I find that I am longing to find somewhere to escape to and make a quick getaway… Hoping that wherever my cowardice might lead, it can take me as far away from my obscure and oppressive thoughts as possible.

Exodus… what a tempting notion, I contemplate.

Instead, I find myself physically hiking through the Nahanni National Park Reserve of Canada, running through the woods, and mentally trapped in a black circular room, surrounded by equally oxidant doors without handles, and each holds a terror that I don't wish to investigate, not even to find my way out. In other words, I am left without any means of immediate escape.

Ensnared.

Caged.

Defeated.

Feeling my panic rising to the surface, I try to stay calm and fail miserably. Shortness of breath threatens to break the minimal amount of levelheadedness and lucidity I possess but I force myself to take a breath. Trying to remind my brain that my body does not need oxygen to overcome this newest panic attack my efforts are for naught and all words fall on deaf ears.

Undeterred by logic or reasoning, my throat protests with each attempt I make at swallowing, feeling parched and searing, and as the lungs in my chest begin to burn from lack of oxygen, I start remembering the reason behind my latest bouts of panic attacks. No matter how far away from the memory I stir my thoughts, I always do and the effects are chaotic.

It's become quite a vicious cycle; I try to tune out, fail, starve, which antagonizes my demon, sends me into a panic as every living thing with a heartbeat becomes prey, the predator stalks, the hunt ensues, and then comes the panic attack, settling and triggering the memory. After all, living through my most shameful moment once wasn't enough. No, everything around me conspires against me and reminds me about my own weakness and lack of control over and over without leniency.

As I give in, forsaking all hope, the full blow of the memory hits me like a train wreck and soon after, it seems to collide against a reinforced brick wall… yanking at the last bit of fresh air I barely manage to suck in and leaves me breathless once again. Needing oxygen to fill my lungs, I jump over a riverbank and start to run, settling into a sprint as Bella's face flashes before my eyes and behind every ray of sunlight.

Undeniably, memory is unforgiving and fickle…

…

A silent moan of triumph escapes my parted lips as I draw Bella closer, the delectability of her body, warm and flush against mine, almost makes me swoon. Imprisoned between tangles of Bella's messy dark tendrils, I make sure to remain gentle and tug on her hair possessively with my nimble fingers. As intended, Bella's head arches back obediently, revealing the white column of her neck, and my original objective is set in motion.

Reveling in the control I have over Bella with this simple but deliberate accomplishment, I lean in close to the crook of her neck and inhale the warmth of her skin. My breath fans over Bella's warm ear with a seductive caress as I blow my scent on her skin and it mergers with hers. Halfway into her surrender, Bella quivers and gives into the sensations I'm manipulating, overwhelmed by the deliberate and tantalizing touches.

As my lips make contact with Bella's tender skin, a half smile upturns the corners of my mouth and the thought of her, quivering at my touch, ignites something primal within me. Restricting her movements, my left arm carefully surrounds Bella's delicate waist, caging her in the embrace.

Feeling Bella's lips trembling against my cheek as she tries to break free, I tighten my grip immeasurably. Bella whimpers, resisting, and her blood practically croons. Purring, my demon approves and gives Bella a gentle but warning growl. Startled, Bella stills.

Considering the sudden urge to look into Bella's eyes and see the fear that's probably there, I resist. Instead, coaxing threads of reassurance wash over Bella's every limb as I amp up my levels of persuasion. In reaction, Bella's blood quickens as if she's under the abrupt awareness that she's been put under the influence of an uncontrollable libido.

Blood.

What I need and want. Closing my eyes, I inhale the increasingly concentrated scent just beneath her flushed skin and Bella's short, insignificant life flashes behind my fluttering eyelids, searing into my corneas and staining my vision red with hungry thirst.

"Honestly, Isabella," I say, admonishing, "you really shouldn't temp me like this."

Paused, suspended in stillness, I ignore the warning bells going off in my head and listen to Bella's heartbeat, fluttering like a little hummingbird and seemingly trying to remain in flight with the single-mindedness of obtaining its extract of nectar. So was I.

Wanting to hear more of Bella's cardio orchestra, I listen a while longer to the rhythm of temptation. Breathing in deeper, I savor what the accompanying smell of fear does to Bella's scent and revel in it. In order to instigate the orchestra's monumental descent in the manner I want, I decide that I need to swallow Bella's life source and do it slowly.

Anticipation vibrates in the very air and space we occupy as I make my decision, tormenting, and I can taste it, us. Letting go of Bella's hair, I instead take a few tresses and bring them close to my nose. Inhaling her delicate freesia scent and looking straight into Bella's eyes as I do, I spy my reflection in the depth of her black pupils...

Caught between my struggle and desire, Bella's blood… I could not think clearly, for she still possessed all of my awareness within her pools of earthy brown.

Somewhere in the back of her throat, Bella makes a curious sound that could otherwise be interpreted as speech but only sounds like static to my ears and I sharply stare at her, instinctively letting out a furious growl. Cowering, Bella's hand suddenly lashes out quickly, appearing in my periphery and moving like a blur that is too fast for my troubled thoughts to process in their stupidly clogged state. I reacted before I could understand what I was doing.

Crack. A strangled cry of pain follows the sound of bone breaking. Next, Bella staggers away from me, tripping and falling onto her desk chair as she doubles over in pain and nurses her right hand against her chest as I stare, horrified.

"What have I done," I rasp. At my words, Bella looks up at me from her seat and I notice that her face looks slightly distorted rather than contorted in pain, that's when I realize that I am shaking. Stopping the involuntary movement, I step back as Bella stands from her seat with tears in her eyes, a broken wrist, and tries to comfort me.

"It's not your fault…" she begins, but I don't get to hear the ending of Bella's sentence as I launch my body out her open bedroom window, hit the ground running, and flee. Permanently, for her own good.

Instead, I do hear Bella shouting my name, in tears, and asking me to come back, the sound of her cry is haunting and remains a lingering echo inside my ears as my steps carry me out of town. Still, I do not think about going back or dear look back.

As my fleeing feet take me further from her and far from Forks, I can still taste the salt of her tears on my pellet. On cue, regret sets in and I mentally beat myself over the rash decision I made a month prior. After all, staying to look after Bella had been a bad move on my part and I shouldn't have done so.

What had I been thinking? I wonder. There is no way I can stay, protect Bella from what she's going through, and make sure that she, a human, is safe from me, a bloodthirsty vampire. When what's standing between Bella's self-deprecation is her biggest threat, and the one doing the look out, we should have seen this coming. It was foolish of me, to think myself strong enough to resist Bella's allure.

Since the start, all bets had been off and our fate had been determined. In other words, giving into temptation the way I did was no coincidence. It was meant to be. Not that the knowledge makes what I almost did any less appalling, but it is sobering to see the line of my own limitations so finely drawn.

Either way, I'm never going back, I pledge. Be strong and live long, Bella Swan.

…

Other than seeing my demon reflected back at me, I still can't fully explain or say what it was that I saw in Bella's dilated pupils, during that fateful day back in October. Whatever else it was, or might have been, all I know is that it took one look.

Staring into the obsidian of Bella's pupils, trapped inside the earthy irises of her doe eyes, one look was enough to save her and pull me from my trance. Amazingly, the depth of the abyss I found within Bella's eyes adequately stopped me in my tracks and completely immobilized the arrogant demon that wanted to devour Bella's alluring blood at all costs.

Shaking my head, I sigh and climb up a tree in search of higher ground while hoping for fresher air. Thinking of Bella as I settle on a branch, I wonder what she's doing and how she's getting along. Hopefully, Charlie Swan is making sure that Bella is eating properly and well looked after.

More importantly, I hope the Chief is his daughter safe and waking up from her nightmares. Though…

My cellphone vibrates in my jean-clad pocket, alerting me of an incoming phone call, and startling me from my wandering thoughts. Groaning, I fetch my cellphone from my pocket, press send without glancing at the screen, and place the device by my ear.

"Jasper," Alice's voice greets me.

"Alice," I reply, though it sounds more like an aggravated growl. She knows. Thoughts, millions of them, run through my mind and each one is a possible decision. Settling on no particular one, I think about confessing…

Silence and static. Unsurprisingly, I was certain, I had taken Alice aback. What a feat! After all, I had made no attempt to contact my lovely wife for a month now. No contact in a month usually meant that I would be over myself to hear a word from my mate and showering her in sweet nothingness.

Only, today, I was not. Today I was aggravated, much like the last time I saw Alice last month. After returning to Alice's side, two weeks later we'd gotten into an altercation and I hadn't been a gentleman, I'm ashamed to admit. Needless to say, the disagreement led to my being unable to stay by Alice's side a moment longer and I decided I'd had enough, which concluded in my final decision.

Walking away from our discussion and out the door, I'd promised Alice I would be back after walking it off but I never did. However, as one can see, it has now been a whole month and I've yet to go back to her side. Though Alice remained in Alaska, I strayed far from the Denali coven and made my way to Canada.

The Nahanni National Park Reserve of Canada became my safe haven during the following weeks and I remained in the wild, hiking and hunting when it became necessary, practically becoming a nomad all over again. Basically, I wasn't planning on going back to the Alaska and integrating into the Denali coven any time soon, something I didn't feel like explaining that to Alice.

"It's already been a full month, Jasper…" she manages, tentatively. "And it worries me that I haven't heard from you. Can you blame me?"

Of course, even though we never talked about it, Alice already knows about my pathetic screw-up with Bella and what almost happened. Naturally, my mate's patience and compassionate understanding would help calm me, like always, if I could bring myself to open up and confide in her. Indeed, I couldn't blame her.

"I'm not all that worried," I laugh dryly, scoffing. Here we go, this is me distancing myself from the woman I love and keeping her at a distance. "If I were in the process of slaughtering someone, I've been led to believe that you'd be the first to come and stop me."

"Well, it's not only that. I've missed you, Jasper," Alice informs me, ignoring my bitter sarcasm, and I can almost picture her eyes, trained on me, as she tries to remain eerily emotionless. "I've been wondering where and how you've been, because…" she hesitates, before continuing. "Well, in my last vision, you looked like you were running as if Aro had passed a warrant for your head and was hunting you down himself."

"Well, look at that," I scoff, "your vision is right, once again, Alice." Though I try for a caress when I say her name, I don't quite manage, my anger too overpowering.

"Jas–" I hang up before Alice can say anything else, feeling inexplicably disgusted. Dropping swiftly from my perch to the ground, I begin to run again and decide that it is time I start shaping up – Alaska the eminent destination in mind.

…

Just as abruptly as the memories had begun, thankfully, they ended. Alice's touch bringing me out of my own head. Feeling grateful, I smile at her in thanks.

"Alice, I think I need–" I begin, but Alice hushes me, placing two fingers delicately over my lips.

"Of course, Bella needs you." She nods. "You must go to her."

There's a conflict behind my lover's eye that I cannot place as she smiles at me and a strain in her voice, too. Not wanting to argue or inquire, I nod stiffly and feel relief at not needing to explain the urgency with which I feel Bella's pain, still, lingering somewhere hidden deep inside me.

"Thank you for being so understanding, Alice." My fingers close around hers and bringing her hand to my lips, I kiss the back of her palm and gaze up at her, a question burning in my eyes. Only, Alice shuts me out. Closing her eyes and with a small shake of her head, Alice's pained gestures tell me that she's not ready to tell me what's going on in her head and will not answer.

"Of course, Bella is like a sister to me, Jasper," Alice mumbles. "Besides, it's been too long."

"Yeah, it's already January," I agree.

"You should get going then, and don't let the door hit you on your way out!" Her emotions give me an inkling as to what might be bothering Alice and even that's a complete complexity. As far as I'm concerned, betrayal and anxiety seem like out of place emotions for Alice to be feeling toward me. Without delay, I rush to the door and remembering something important, I catch myself at the threshold. Looking over my shoulder back at Alice, beckon to her and she looks at quizzically. "What is it?"

"Don't I get a goodbye kiss?" I question with a lazy, halfhearted smile.

"Of course, my love," Alice obliges long after a pregnant pause, her usual saunter absent as she meets me at the threshold. Letting out the breath I didn't know I'd been holding, I lean forward and cover her mouth with mine. Trying to convey the promise of my safe return, our lips linger and brush for a brief fraction of a broken moment.

"Tell Esme not to worry… and that I'm sorry I can't say goodbye," I ask of Alice, remembering that Esme and Carlisle had gone hunting and had yet to return. I hesitate, adding, "And, will you, please, let Carlisle know that I'm still sorry?

"Sure."

"We haven't gotten a chance to have that talk we were going to have and–"

"Jasper, I will," she promises, impatiently interrupting my ramblings and chuckling. Nodding, I turn to leave but stop, sensing that Alice has more to say. "And Jasper," she hesitates, avoiding my eyes, "sometimes, I don't see Bella. No matter how much I try seeing her future, I can't." Alice frowns, looking troubled. "It's like she's… gone."

My blood would run cold, if I actually had any running through my veins. Instead, my body becomes rigid as I process this unsavory new bit of information and store it for later. Since I do not know how to handle the news, or what to question.

Therefore, I opt for silence and nod stiffly in thanks, before kissing Alice's cheek one last time and departing.

Running again, I manage a carefree smile and my steps quicken with, urging me to go faster. For once, I'm running with true purpose toward the root of my demon's awakening and I'm looking forward to the torment that lies ahead.

Wait for me, Balla, I'm on my way.