N/A: No, still not owning it. Sorry for the long wait, though.
Previously:
"And Jasper," she hesitated, avoiding my eyes, "sometimes, I don't see her. It's like she's… gone."
My blood would have ran cold if any had been running through my veins, instead, my body became rigid. I did not know how to handle the news, what to question. I opted for silence, nodding stiffly in thanks, and departed.
I was running again, with true purpose this time, toward the root of my demon's awakening.
Memoirs of Her Scent
Ch15: Forgiveness
I was standing at the thresholds. Bordering on insanity; on a standstill that had me in two places at once. The promise of forgetfulness behind me –if with some regrets, blissful– and on the other lays the unfathomable unknown –Forks.
Call me a Drama King but at this moment, as I stand in the middle of the road trying to convince myself to overstep onto Lauridsen Boulevard and continue past the "Welcome to Forks" sign, I felt as if I was in strenuous, paralyzing pain that kept a much too suffocating grip on me. My thoughts were so muddled with confusion, agonizingly quarreling and fighting against each new excuse that would surface, making any sort of rational thinking impossible. It was as if my immortality was badgering the remembrance of some trace of my humanity that I had, as of recent, gained more access to. It was eating me venomously from the inside out, ironically.
Back in Alaska, when I couldn't be found brooding over how abruptly I had left Bella after promising I would be there for her and almost killing her again, I could be found perched, somewhere hidden, observing every diminutive mannerism that kept humans in a constant chain of motion. I would sit there, absorbing it all in while simultaneously finding myself trying to imitate their movements without looking too mechanical or stony. It was difficult to say the least but somehow I had convinced myself that through doing this I could achieve some manner of mental equilibrium, an upper hand on something tangible once and for all.
When everything else in my existence seemed to shatter out of my control, I needed to try keeping a stubborn hold on at least one thing I knew would gain me some semblance of stoic superiority.
I felt like the weakest link, once again. To this, Alice said nothing. Her emotions spoke volumes.
All I had to do was force my body to remember all those natural quirks it used to go through when I had still been human, and quick. Somehow, through careful observation I would achieve my deadpan goal. It had to work. It just had to, I kept telling myself.
I couldn't possibly understand it all but I managed to keep grounded by bussing myself with this task every chance I got. Alice seemed to think that my newfound hobby was "cute" and had condoned it, saying that maybe keeping at it would help me regain some control over the demon we constantly tried to keep at bay.
Truly, what really mattered was that I had given myself something to distract me from the ongoing slaughter of my constantly tormented mind and so I welcomed it as I would a very old friend. It did not make much sense when I tried putting it into words, but it made sense to me. Every day I would see something that someone did differently like, if they got nervous they would scratch the back of their heads and look anywhere but at the person in front of them with a faltering smile in place of a grimace or they would shuffle their feet profusely on spot. I traded through the motions like warm succulent blood.
It was hard work; sometimes I couldn't help but let my mind wander into gruesome scenarios that ended up in thirst quenching bloody messes. Every time I would run away with the belittled part of my brain that managed some semblance of rationality and understood to some level that giving in to that sweet animalistic instinct would be undeniably wrong. So far, I had prevailed, coming close to just one casualty. I was somewhat proud of my accomplishment and yet, my dormant demon was not the least bit impressed. It mocked it as if bidding its time, conniving its grand breakthrough.
Even so, like walking through fire with the world's most flammable skin and catching on flames –so inevitable, really– my mind would wonder to thoughts of Isabella and I would remember her wails calling my name, resonating through my consciousness and invading my keen senses. An agonizing mantra that followed me no matter how far I fleeted from the shameful memory.
As I'd observed it seemed that more often than not I could not keep my mind from wondering back into the memories I kept stashed away from my days as a human, the longing that came with it was unbearable. Still, I observed. Humans were a constant nervous wreck –just like I was at this very moment.
Standing in the middle of the 101, unnaturally trembling from head to toe, trying to convince myself to move across that invisible brick wall that kept trying to tempt me into just giving up and turning my back on the unknown and to continue dwelling in the familiar bitterness of my day to day damned existence.
"Come on, Jasper, you can do this. All you have to do is continue to wallow in your own self pity," I told my self, flinching at the sound of my croaking voice.
The pity did it, I hated being pitied, and, also, there was a car not too far behind coming my way. I wouldn't want to cause an accident now, would I? As tempting as it was, I swallowed the lump of venom in my throat and ran forth, breaking through my made up barrier and avoiding what should have been, under normal circumstances, an inevitable collision. But, hey, what can I say? I loved the thrill of getting out of dangerous situations just in the nick of time. I laugh obscurely at the sight, feel, and taste of fear plastered on the face of the man behind the wheel, then, confusion pouring off the man's every pore as he questions his sanity looking around frantically for the body he was sure he'd hit, heart beating frenetically delicious, and blinking more than it would be deemed healthy. Truly, it is comical!
Glancing behind once more, only to see the nervous wreck of a man get out of his seat trembling as he did so, to inspect the underside of his car. Expecting to find someone under it and finding no one made the poor drunken-stunned bastard sway with relief and disbelief. A sardonic smile twisted my lips as I chanced a last glance at the offending sign that mocked my welcome back into Forks; it made it all feel like a dare. I wanted to tear the condescending thing apart, but doubted that the poor drunken bastard would tolerate any more unexplained abnormalities without crumbling in a heap of nerves and needing another shower. I smirked at the thought and faltered hesitantly before swallowing my pride before leaving it and the petrified mad man behind me.
I wish I could say it felt liberating or right, but, honestly, running back to Bella without knowing what I would be confronting was the most terrifying thing I have ever experienced without anyone around to muddle and burry my own naked and forthcoming onslaught of emotions.
Compared to when I had fled the scene, feeling like I could not have escaped fast enough, I felt that my come back had been much too quick. And trust me, I had prolonged. I had still ran too fast for the human eye to see me as more than a sudden cleansing breeze, but much too sluggishly for it to be the gait of a vampire with an undermined purpose.
I was finding it hard to breathe; I had arrived much too soon.
I was standing under the tree that obscured Bella's window, looking up, and petrified with too much fear to do much more than to look from afar with crippling longing…. Holding on to the tree for support I managed to quiet my breathing, enough to realize that my hold on the tree was the only thing holding me to that spot. Otherwise, despite my obvious qualms, I would have already been up there, by her warm side, begging for forgiveness I knew I could not deserve, much less ask for.
I breathed in, trying to level my head for clear thinking when I noticed it. The distinct disturbance in the scent that normally permeated Bella's home assaulted my nostrils. Bringing to my attention that someone had been sniffing around and not too long ago. A small, guttural growl that I barely managed to contain reverberated deep in my throat. I needed to exterminate the threat and quick, I thought. Next, I realized that Bella was nowhere within the confinements of her home, panic began its tenacious assault on my persona, imagining every possible scenario that ended in a not so happy not.
"Bella…" I whispered shakily. I needed to find her, before someone else did. I inhaled deeply, separating the different scents and focusing on Bella's and my mouth filled with venom and my mind became that of the animalistic hunter. I was moving. Prey in mind, my sense of smell guiding me, I moved like a panther from hell and followed the newest trail, nostrils flaring.
The scent smelled warm. It was near. Tsk, tsk, tsk… I chuckled. My prey was so careless… tumbling all over the place without care for preservation, it seemed. I breathed in, deeper this time. I could smell it, blood. It was but a foretaste of it, but it was there, teasing and enticing my thirst with such antagonizing tell-tail promises. Another deliberate step took my hunt astray as another scent invaded my senses and making me shudder as it broke through my repertoire with its burning intensity.
Wolves, I gagged suddenly breaking through the trance that had blindly taken me into a hunt that I did not want to follow through. Shame tore through me. Could I really not control myself? I punctuated my irritation by hitting the nearest tree and making it lean too far out, some of its roots coming into view. I grimaced; everything around me was alive once more, unlike Alaska, where everything was frozen. Here, I felt too much. Above all, I felt the raw shame that coursed through my body unfiltered.
The snapping of a branch behind me had me moving again before I realized that it was merely a scurrying animal that had identified me as threat and had decided to flee for its life, only it did not succeed, not when I was around. It was the unspoken rule between prey and predator.
I was on the move again, now for different reasons and with the resolve to stop being a coward I decided to stop running from Isabella all together and finally face her. This time, when I looked at her window, I noticed that she was home –maybe she had been all along, but I had not had the strength or the resolve to face her. I breathed in, trying to inhale some courage in the process, and intruded Bella's home once more. Praying that she had it in her to forgive me once again.
A/N: Read and Review... please?