Previously:
Bella shook her head, "You're back." Disbelieve coated her words. There was a worrying amount of disappointment as well. I tried to ignore it, trying not to tarnish the moment. It did not matter that I had come back. I was not her Edward, the one she craved to see.
"I am." I was not Edward. I grimaced. Perhaps, I could not be the one she longed for, but I would be here when the one she longed for could not, would not. "For as long as you'll have me."
Memoirs of Her Scent
Ch18: Stay and Wake Awareness
It was a pivotal moment, the kind that makes you or brakes you. And I sure hoped it would make me, and it would not break her. I needed to choose my words carefully, make sure that they were not a waste of saliva, much less of her time.
"As long as you continue to need me, I'll be here," I promised.
"That might take longer than you think," she seemed to warn with a whisper. Something wicked shifted and connected behind my eyes then, something close to euphoria.
"Take your sweet time, Bella," I murmured and assured her, "because you'll be sure to have me, always, at your beck and call."
"Always…" She whispered the word, not daring to believe, much less hope. Her emotions were in a crescendo of varying turmoil. I soothed her as best I could and she looked at me with a hint of accusation and undeniable, grudging gratitude.
"Always," I promised. She really looked at me then, straight in the eyes, and smiled, making me smile in turn. "I can promise you that much."
"Jasper," she said, a blush managing to crawl across her cheeks, "you might have just signed yourself over to me for an eternity." I could feel and smell her embarrassment; it was like a high I did not wish to come down from. I inhaled her in, my head swimming, slightly thrown back and eyes momentarily closed. Delicious.
It was then, when everything within me had shifted with her words, coursing tantalizingly and unawares throughout my body. Until something I had not been aware of yet was taking residence in my heart, compelling its unadulterated control over it, and placing my porcelain heart in Bella's hands.
"Even if it ends up being my eternity." Now, that was the southern gentleman in me speaking. Every once in a while I had to bring him out. "I'll take on whatever you throw at me, graciously."
"Jasper–" there was an underlying desperation now, which I tasted at the tip of my tongue and savored. I could smell her sweat; hear its slow, lethargic path as it slid between her shoulder blades and lower still, catching in the fabric of her bra. Even more pronounced was the mesmeric fear that appealed to the predator in me, testing my control and making me wish I could just let go so that it could take over. It would be so much easier than this, giving in, but I did not. I regressed.
"Unless you tell me I am of no use to you, Bella, I am bound to you and the promises I'll make." I needed her to understand that I was serious. I wanted her to trust me again. "Now," I looked into her doe eyes, sincerely and whispered, "Bella, say the word. Ask me to stay and I'll stay." My words sounded like begging to my ears and ignoring that gnawing little feeling, I pushed it aside for later cataloging.
Concentrating solely on Bella, I tentatively mingled my emotions with hers, until they were so intricately woven that I could not tell which feel was she, or which was mine, and probed for her answer.
"Stay." It was but a gasp, and it was all I needed to hear.
Just then, I had not known that a revival was about to take a choking hold on me. Whether I had allowed it or not, it had been set into motion by something greater than I the moment I chose to stay.
I gathered Bella in my arms, gently, and deposited her on her bed, almost reluctant.
"Tomorrow," I promised, walking to her window and opening it to leave. "I shall be here before you wake." I would be near, just outside her window, but her next words halted my attempts.
"No, please, don't leave me, stay," she said, and looking at her, I smiled tightly. She was patting the unoccupied side of her bed, looking stubborn and vulnerable with her eyes brimmed in tears. She could be so unfair sometimes.
"I don't think–" I began but was interrupted.
"I need you here with me, Jasper," she choked out, a single tear cupping the side of her face to dangle at the chin, clinging with hesitation, before falling mutedly onto her lap. She was pretty good at manipulation herself. I gave her that. Still, I hesitated and she noticed. Bringing it home with more emphasis, she barely managed to whisper, "Jasper, I need you to stay."
"Okay," I compromised. Once the war inside me had settled, I made to sit on her desk chair, but it was apparent that she would not have any of that.
"Lay with me," she whimpered so quietly that it felt like I could get away with pretending I had not heard the request in the first place. But of course, the frozen state of my body was a dead give away that I had heard.
I gulped, petrified by the idea of being so close to her so soon. Stronger men have fallen; my mind seemed to mumble, attempting to appease me with feeble humor. I really needed to do something about this monologues this girl seemed to induce me with, it could not possibly be healthy on my mental health.
"Bella, I really don't believe that'll be such a good idea," I managed reasonably. The tension built as I stared at her, imploring her to see reason with my eyes alone, oh okay, and a bit of help.
"It'll sooth me," she pressed, completely unaffected by my attempts at "persuasion". "Besides, I know you won't hurt me."
Shows what you know, I thought sardonically. Her conviction was endearing, certainly beyond stupidity and self-preservation. It was unnerving; really, it was as if she knew and could read with one glance what all my reservations were about. With a sigh, I reluctantly went to her.
"Stand," I said warily, motioning for her to stand. Curiously and slightly befuddled she stood. I took her bed covers in my hands, pulling them off the bed and understanding dawned on her. I looked at her. A delicate smile was curving her lips and glistening through her eyes. "Lay down," I whispered tenderly, while motioning a curt jerk toward her bed.
Amused, she did as she was told and I waited patiently as she found the softest spot on her bed. Once she had, she sank into it and looked to me expectantly and smiled. The corners of my mouth twitched involuntarily as I fought a laugh. Pulling the covers over her delicate frame and tucking them around her, I laid myself stoically at her side, not quite comprehending how it had come to this.
Triumph trickled placidly all the way through me and I looked to Bella in accusation, she was the obvious source of it. She shrugged all too innocently, wearing a smug smile on her lips and leaned into me as I shook my head and tried unsuccessfully not to role my eyes at her blatant display. I could not help the chuckle that escaped me.
Contentedly, Bella molded herself onto my right side and fell asleep almost instantly, leaving me warm, awake, and with too much to think about. Her nearness and scent felt overpowering to my senses. I tried not to breath, thinking it might help.
However, my breath left me in a whoosh when I felt Bella's blazing fingertips sliding across my right forearm, before taking hold of my wrist and placing my arm around her waist. There, my open palm laid flat on her naked stomach, just below the dip of her stomach, where her nightshirt had ridden up, while her small, warm hand lay atop mine. I could barely believe that through it all she remained asleep and unaffected. It was torturous.
And then, she snuggled closer and I quivered as the hand that had been innocently atop mine trailed its way under my shirt, caressing aimlessly over the hard, marred planes of my flat stomach. My body reacted to her touches like it had never been touched before.
My eyes closed, intensifying the feel of her touch as I focused on the warm awareness her palm and fingers fashioned ghosting over my oversensitive skin and I gladly drowned in it. Stomach twitching, shifting, and clenching, trying to escape the sweet torture, while responding and wanting so much more than these chaste touches. I greeted my teeth, feeling the scraping of her nails dragging over my skin. It was too much.
My breathing became haggard; she had never done this in her sleep before. Swallowing, I tried to see if she was truly asleep or just toying with me but her even breaths told me otherwise. She was asleep and I was the only one getting all worked up.
I needed to rein it in, but she was making it hard. So damned hard. Her skimming search settled right over my most prominent scar, just bellow the ribcage, and stilled, leaving my skin alight and incised with the inferno her fingertips had ignited.
Did her unconscious mind not know that fire was a safety hazard for vampire skin? I whimpered pathetically. If this were her revenge for before, I probably would not survive the night in this state she was working me to.
I opened my eyes and looked to her again. Head tucked under my chin with her hair dispersing all across my chest and most of her warm limps making contact with my usually cold body, warming me.
She was the picture of a sleeping beauty.
My fingers tangled in her hair, making a fist I brought it to my lips and inhaled, kissing her dark tresses before my hand, still twined in her locks, came to a rest in the spot above my stagnant heart. Closing my eyes, I attempted to feign sleep, only to go completely rigid as Bella shifted, bringing her body closer.
She was practically on top of me now, but none of this was what had left me rigid. No, it was her lips. They were the only things I was aware of because they were partially parted and pressing against my chest, just above my heart. A shuddering breath rumbled through my chest and she shifted once more, taking their impression with her.
I was relieved and this time succeeded at "sleep".
Though the night had started out virtually indecent, Bella's sleep was troubled that night; she remained in a state of waking sleep, restless. Making me painfully aware that even at her side, I did not posses the power to exorcise her demons.
[Time Lapse]
For as long as she would have me, I would be hers, and my damnation was hers for the take. I existed solely for her, for as long as she would have me, I would be eternally hers, if that were to be her wish.
I could not help my thoughts the minute they formed, though they filled me with an indescribable feeling, fleeting teasingly through the back recesses of my clouding mind. It was something gut-wrenching and appealing, all in one.
Bella was currently sleeping deep in her mattress, warmed by a soft and worn-out comforter. Her sleeping form would twitch every so often with restlessness I could neither battle against nor sooth, and her mumbled words were a jumble of groggy sleepiness.
Though my back was to her I knew this, because every so often I would give in to temptation and look at her, trading the sight outside her window for the one that was she.
A smile curved my slightly frowning lips as Isabella sighed in sleep and her hand brushed aside strands of her hair from her face and exposed her neck, which curved and shifted enticingly, lovely as her face turned in my direction.
I almost looked away then, thinking I might get caught looking when I remembered that she was still deep in her restless sleep, caught in a struggle for a peaceful one. It was my turn to sigh then. Abandoning the window and the sight it provided of shifting shadows and swaying trees, I fully shifted to unabashedly gaze at her.
Her face was cast in moonlight, momentarily peaceful, and her softly undulating tresses were in disarray, framing her delicate, ivory features with the help of their stark contrast and shadows. One strand in particular captivated my attention. It ran from her right temple, across her right eyebrow, just over the bridge of her straight nose, and curved inwards, conducting its conclusion to emphasize her lips.
Her mouth was slightly parted as she breathed and all her blood seemed to gather at their succulent plumpness, coloring them in a fascinating shade of tempting cherry. A small sigh escaped Bella, moistening her lips with beads of perspiration that quickly dissipated, and she sunk even deeper into the creases of her mattress.
I swallowed with difficulty and tried to pry my eyes from Bella's sleeping form and turned to focus on her window instead, without really seeing it, when my name –yes, my name– caressed her lips and echoing in the silence, inundating my ears with its illicit sound.
My eyes fell heavily shut as I inhaled deeply, calming the imaginary beat of my pounding heart's thrashing, its ricochet numbing in my ears, and listened, once more, for the sound of my name to stumble out of her lips. She did not disappoint.
"Jasper…" came her whimper. Her sleep talking was driving me insane and did things to my perturbed mind that I would rather not dwell on. A shudder of satisfaction quivered throughout my body, making my breath hitch before picking up and quickening. My name on her lips was a very sweet thang, I mean, a very sweet thing.
I could not help it, as I heard her small throaty moan, heavy with sleep, vibrate through her throat and fill the air, the rustle of bed sheets following its wake. I turned towards her once again, body feeling like lead but ever so fluid.
By God, the sight that met me was the closest thing to sinful I have ever witnessed without experiencing it. It was exquisite.
Somehow, Bella's bed sheets and comforter had tangled on her legs and the sight of her exposed legs, gleaming in the iridescent glow of the moonlight filtering through the window had my attention, instantly captive.
I had never really noticed just how firm and long her legs were until now. Appraisingly, my eyes traveled the trail of her legs from the relaxed toes, ending a little over her mid-thigh, where the comforter took on its duty once again and covered her from my straying eyes. Forcing me to focus on something else.
Mesmerized, I watched with bated breath, the rise and fall of her supple breasts, heaving with her every breath, barely covered by the sheer fabric of the white camisole she had chosen to sleep in tonight. I could just make out the shadowed outline of each round mound it failed to modestly cover. Steadily, I found myself matching my breaths with hers, before my own became erratic.
I swallowed hard around the lump that had formed in my throat, causing my Adam's apple to bob convulsively. Her deep intakes of breath, peaceful and calming from sleep, were hypnotic...
With a start, I realized just how close my feet had carried me to where Isabella lay, vulnerable, without my notice.
I blinked thrice in quick sequence and tried to clear my throat to rid it of its sudden dryness.
However, I found that, more than anything, I wanted to reach out... reach out to her sleeping form and then... No, I did not want to just reach out. I wanted and needed to touch her. Without a second thought, I dared.
My hand extended and my fingertips hovered uncertainly for a moment before a shaky breath left me, and my fingertips made contact with Isabella's enticingly warm skin. I was touching her. I barely managed to suppress the whimper that throbbed in the canal of my throat, when my fingertips finally skimmed and danced over the soft planes of her delicate neck, so warm to the touch.
And I almost moaned at the sight of the hairs on the back of her neck rising, responding to my gentle, slight, touches, which resulted in her flesh erupting in gooseflesh, as her pores absorbed my vaporous caress.
I was fascinated by the smoothness the missing projection formed by the thyroid cartilage of the larynx, so prominent on mine, provided over the ivory skin of her neck. I wanted to drown her in my touches, until my name was the only thing harmonizing the night with the resonance of her panting voice.
My fingertips ghosted and soared upwards, following the curve of her neck and over her chin, until my thump stroked the gossamer curve of her bottom lip, parting them faintly, and my slightly trembling hand cupped her cheek.
Just as the realization of my actions came to me, and the awareness of how cold I was in comparison, Bella shivered and leaned into my touch and hummed contently.
I could not dare breathe; I would not chance this moment to be broken. And then it was. The haunting whisper of a sole name crushed everything and wrenched it from my barely holding on fingertips.
"Edward..." she sighed; her body warm, glowing with her love and longing for him. With a sharp intake of breath, I quickly staggered away, feeling irrationally betrayed. It was as if the tongues of a blue sweltering fire were licking, lapping, and burning at my innards with daunting travesty and uncanny precision. I swayed on my feet, the weight of this perverse betrayal overwhelming me.
Thoroughly confused, I did not understand what was happening, I was astounded by my unfiltered actions and sensations.
What is wrong with me?I thought, feeling angry at my current state of helplessness.
Something snapped loudly under the soles of my shoes. My head bowed quickly, taking notice of the pencil broken in half under my feet, halting my getaway and unfortunately waking Bella. My head snapped to her. With a terrible feeling I watched her bolt upright in bed, heart at her throat thrashing vigorously, while she clutched at her bed sheets.
I closed my eyes, petrified. Wishful thinking crossed my mind; this had to be but a dream, it just had to.
Even though it has been two months now, since coming back, every day has been a challenge and a struggle with Bella. She trusted me and had forgiven me to some degree, but there remained that obtrusive resentment that my actions never seemed to appease.
So much so that any prolonged absences in my part never failed to work her into a frantic self-destructive state. During such rare occasions, I would find myself preparing for the worse, though, thankfully, it never came to happen. I was not so sure now.
"Jas- Jasper?" She tried again, voice hoarse and frightened, her panic escalating with each passing moment my answer failed to come. Her eyes widened in the darkness, trying to adjust as her breathing quickened and her eyes darted around, trying to locate me in the thickness of night's cloak.
She knew it would be impossible for her human eyes, yet she tried. I remained still and stubborn, not willing to take flight, due to my promise, but not willing to compromise in my current state.
The saline tang of tears coated my tongue as I took an involuntary breath. My heart took a sickening plummet down to my gut; sinking lower still, until it felt like it had been stomped by my own two feet. Bella was crying and shaking with the effort it took for her not to scream through the agony racking her body with betrayal.
Once again, I had done wrong by her. Though I felt irritated and reluctant, I could not leave her like this, not after my promise.
"I'm here, Bella, I'm still here," I sighed disgruntled. "For as long as you need me, just as I promised." She turned her head in the direction of my voice and I felt her relax. Meanwhile, her body sagged heavily into her pillows, weak with the relief that inundated her at my words.
"Jasper," she gasped and my eyes closed. That should be the name, my name, always on her lips, I thought inappropriately. "You're here."
"I told you I would." My words were crisp, coarse.
"I just thought…" her voice trailed off and I scented her blush coming in. I walked toward her light switch swiftly and switched it on, casting us in its eerie glow, wanting to see her blush and deciding to not give in to the temptation of trailing my fingers over it by putting some distance between us.
Her eyes squinted at the sudden glare of light and focused on me, while I focused on her face and her teasing blush. If possible, I grew even more irritated and mortifyingly perplexed.
"You thought that I had left you?" I provided.
"Yes," she answered, brutally honest.
I looked down and glared at my feet, trying to sort out what I was feeling. I could not. I was being given too many pieces to a puzzle that only needed so many to be solved and I did not appreciate it.
"Why can't you trust me more?"
"It's not that I don't trust you," she argued adamantly.
"What is it then," I mused, "you haven't forgiven me?" She shook her head, feeling immensely sadden by my inquisition.
"I've forgiven you…"
"Then," I urged, desperate for the answer, "what is it, Bella? Please, give me an answer, any answer!" Bella flinched as my voice rang through the room; too loud for the small space we were in. "What is it?" I asked more gently, though the urgency did not diminish. Her head bowed and her hair hid her face from view as her heart began to thrash a bruising thump, trying to escape the cage of her ribs.
"I just can't let you forget this pain…" she hushed, fingers clawing at the fabric just over her heart and her pain slammed into me, making me stagger. "The pain you added to, Jasper," she cried, tears falling freely as she stared me dead in the eyes. I looked away in shame.
"I'm sorry," I cried, my voice so filled with emotion that it did not sound like my own. Again, she shook her head, only, vehemently this time.
"I was dealing just fine before you came!" she croaked at me. I flinched. She was slicing me open and festering my wounds the moment I thought they had just begun to heal. "Why? Tell me that, Jasper. Why did you stay back?"
"I–" I could no more answer that question now, than when Edward had asked it those distant months ago. I felt her anger then and my head snapped up to see her struggle to get out of bed. Setting her feet on the ground she stood, her eyes angry, crying, and settled on me as she attempted to come my way. But before she was one step in, I saw her fall. Reflexively, I went to stop her fall.
"Don't you dare touch me, Jasper!" she screeched, so loudly I thought Charlie would be coming in through her door any moment to find us like this, Bella on the floor and I in a half crouch, looking ready to attack her. Nervously, I glanced at the door, for good measure. "I don't need rescuing," she choked out.
Bella was crying again, frustrated with herself, angered by her clumsiness. I looked away from her, letting her have the privacy she could not get while I invaded her emotions through more symbolic ways.
"I know," I whispered, hoping she would believe me. "I'm the one who needed rescuing." As soon as the words left me, I knew how true they were. "That's why I stayed behind. To be rescued."
Bella began to tremble and something confusing threaded through my invasion of her emotions. I was beginning to worry, but before I could voice my worry Bella stood on shaky legs and laughed a very sadistic laugh.
"Rescued?" she barked, sounding delirious in her incredulity. I forced myself to look at her crying face, knowing that my own eyes were filled with tears that would not fall and wanting her to see just how much she had hurt me with just that word. It worked.
Bella took a step back from me.
"Yes," I managed, "is that so hard for your mind to grasp? That I, a demon in human form, need rescuing?" Each word took me a step closer to Bella's petrified form. "Because, Isabella, I will have you know, that I very well need some damned rescuing."
I was but a breath away from touching her now. Her eyes were wide, staring at me unblinking as tears continued to soak her pale face. She was not afraid of me though, she was just numb and that angered me beyond measure.
"This immortal," I said, raising my hand to touch her and she flinched, unmoving, "needs rescuing. Is there anything you can do about that, Isabella?" Her shuddered breath fanned over my face as she whimpered, weakened by my closeness as I flushed myself to her, our foreheads and noses touching.
She was mainly carved out of curves, so soft, so warm, so irritating, and infuriating. She was my exact opposite and everything about her angered me as much as it fascinated me into enticement. Just like that the pieces, the ones I had thought had been too many, fell into place and I knew…
"Don't call me that," Bella whispered defiantly, her abundant breasts rising and falling with the effort, alternating my awareness to the feel of them against the plane of my own.
"What?" I asked distractedly, barely managing to focus on anything else but where Bella and I connected, there an inferno was steadily igniting and melting away at my ice-cold armor. "What?" I repeated more clearly, inhaling her.
"Don't call me Isabella." I almost laughed, wanting to teasingly mock her, but the revelation of my epiphany halted me. My mind wondered back to my leaving Alaska and Alice, whom I loved. And like that, my great discovery dissolved, merely a misunderstanding.
"Why is that darlin'?" I asked her curiously, still holding her tight to her, my fingers digging into the soft naked skin of her waist, dragging a lazy circle. She shivered.
"Because," she breathed, "I don't like it."
"What do you like then, Bella?" I mumbled against her skin, breathing the film of her neck where I could hear the rush of blood calling to me.
"Jasper…" she whimpered. A wicked smile curved my lips. That's right, I thought, I like the sound and feel of that. Her trembling hand was traveling the length of my stomach and ascending, stilling me. "Jasper," she said more forcefully, before pushing me away. I gave, returning her personal space to her.
"Sorry," I mumbled. She ignored me.
"I believe you," she whispered. I raised a confused brow at her words. "Your reason. I'm sorry I mocked you."
"No." All I seemed to do was mumble. "It's hard to picture."
"It's not," she said gently and I could feel her slipping away from me to some distant place where I was sure thoughts of Edward where bombarding her mind. I wanted to growl at her and tell her that I was here and that she needed to pay attention to me.
"I want to show you something today, Bella," I said instead. "Will you let me?"
"Yes," she answered after a long pause, coming back to me.
"Thank you." I bathed us in night again, extinguishing the light I had turned on and I walked cautiously to her, letting my intentions show. "You should go back to sleep now Bella."
"But–"
"It's alright," I interrupted, "the discussion is over. You need your full rest. I shall see you tomorrow."
"Okay," she mumbled groggily against my lethargy, rubbing her eyes. "Tomorrow…"
"Good night," I whispered, slipping her into bed.
"Good night, Jasper," she yawned, turning over to gift me with a smile.
"Sweet dreams, Bella, you deserve that and more."
A/N: So this is a fair warning, no previews no updates for the coming chapters... if no ones reading why bother posting? Anyway, thank you to all those faithful reviewers. This one was for you! Hope you enjoyed it, the plot is finally thickening.