Previously;
"Next time I wish to speak with you, Alice, I shall come find you. Until then, stay away from me. Stay away from here, darlin'," I told her sweetly, eyes gleaming and dangerous as I paced before her, hands behind my back, right hand holding onto my left wrist.
Alice stood, putting some distance between us, and nodded.
I winked at her. "Love you, darlin' Ali." I was gone before she could blink again.
Memoirs of Her Scent
Ch21: Unsolicited Epiphany
Betrayal.
Hurt.
Love.
Anger.
Rage.
Confusion.
Fear.
Hopelessness.
Sorrow.
Abhorrence.
Love.
Betrayal.
Loss.
Abandonment.
Jealousy.
Stubbornness.
Resolve.
Desolation.
Despair.
So much despair and so much love.
All of these encompassing, wavering, lingering, and hauntingly hunting sensations tried to remain affixed to my persona as I ran away from Alice, her confusing words, and the man that had threatened the woman I love, have loved since our first encounter.
What had I done? I had half a mind made up on just going back and apologizing, when I remembered the rage she had evoked, provoked in me. Uprooting an innocent, by standing tree that got in my way with a vicious snarl, I released some of my seething fury.
I couldn't deal with any of these right now, all I needed was to get away and not feel. I wanted sanctuary. But where? I couldn't possibly let Bella see me like this. Though, a darker, sadistic part of me wished I could so that she would finally open her eyes and see me for what I was, what I am; a sadistic vampire with a history of violence and the many scars to prove it. I growled at my train of thought. Even my thoughts were betraying me.
What did any of this mean? I needed to think. I needed sanctuary. It was getting dark and I didn't want to do anything I'd later regret. And I couldn't go back to Bella's, not yet anyways. Praying that she wouldn't worry unnecessarily, I made my way to my new sanctuary after a flash of a fleeting memory made me decide on the place.
Scanning the agglomerated exposure and coming up with no visible threat, only fauna and a little bluebird perched on my target, which was no threat at all, I stepped into the surroundings of my sanctuary. The bluebird either had a death wish or it was a brave little blue fool as it remained where it was, watching me curiously.
I paid it no mind as I stalked closer and it persisted on remaining. Fleetingly, I entertained the idea that was loosing my touch but then a flash of the terror reflecting off Alice's eyes came to mind and all of that went out the window, figuratively speaking.
In something that could be called a lazy and relaxed manner, I sat myself between Emmett's SpongeBob –yes, the upside-down jellyfish lookalike– and my own fine piece of art, my naked lady. The damned bluebird remained perched on one of Sponge Bob'stentacles –I mean, arms. Do pardon the gaffe, it wasn't my intention –snort.
It seemed like ages ago now, since Emmett and I had carved these on our race back home after my slip up. I sighed and in a very human-like gesture, I leaned against my lady, interlocking my fingers over my chest and closing my eyes. I had become better at these human impersonations since spending so much time with Bella and watching after her.
With a sigh, my thoughts turned to Emmett and I sent silent thanks to him, grateful for the hand he dealt in my new sanctuary. I missed Emmett, his jokes, and our bets. I smiled, remembering we still had a bet to settle. A bet he has to make me account for.
"So, what is it birdie, you have a death wish?" I inquired of the bluebird, feeling its beady eyes on me. "Or are you simply not afraid of me? 'Cause if that's the case, you are a little blue fool."
It chirped at me in response.
"That's what I thought." I sighed. I was talking to birds now. Let's go back to talking to myself, I thought, much preferable. That way it's silent and people or the fauna can't call you out on your crazy, Jasper. I scoffed. Turning on my side and resting my head on my lady's perfectly flat stomach, looking down her navel… and pass her legs.
A little while passed, while I remained lost in thoughts, unmoving, barely breathing, and oblivious to my surroundings, when I felt two little stick-like something's land on my nose. Curious, I opened my eyes slowly to find the little bluebird's beak inches from my cornea. Yes, the little bird has proven itself to be a fool.
"I shall let you live, little one," I informed it quietly, "you've got spunk. Even I've got to admire that from such a small and defenseless creature."
It chirped at me in response again, seemingly content as it hopped onto my hair and nestled there. I chuckled at that, quietly as not to startle it.
"You know, I came here to be alone," I complained halfheartedly. "But I guess you're not such a bad companion after all. You just better not shit on me."
My threat was met with yet another quirky chirp.
Somewhat amused, I went back to my own quite musings and went over everything that Alice had told me, and my reactions. I could have handled that better, I concluded without any kind of remorse, which puzzled me further.
What had Alice been talking about when she mentioned something about me not knowing? Why was there so much urgency behind her wanting me to leave with her? And what was it with her in the first place? She hadn't been acting like herself when she appeared. What was that all about?
Above all, why did it feel like she had been or the verge of dismembering Bella? She claimed to love her like a sister, like family even, and I knew it was true because I had felt the guilt plaguing her when I had called her on it. I didn't understand anything!
My anger flared as I suddenly remembered her mention of Edward. Damned Yankee. Why did she have to bring him up? Didn't she realize that I'm on Bella's side of this affair? And what was with all the damned accusations?
A pang went through me as one accusation came up to mind more vividly than the rest:"No, I think what concerns you most is that she might actually forgive him once he comes crawling back to her."
Was she right about that and if she was, why did I care about Bella doing just that? All I cared about is her happiness, if taking him back was what made her happy... who am I to interfere? Why would I want to interfere? Maybe I'll tell her to make him grovel and feel the flames of hell for a little while, have him at her mercy. A valid suggestion I could make… then again, he's already felt the flames of hell, its venom courses through our veins and animates us, after all.
I sighed. This whole thing was preposterous and demented. I shouldn't have to think about any of this or second-guess myself on something that I have no idea I'm second-guessing myself in. What am I second-guessing myself in? I was getting so frustrated.
"Well, time to get your sorry behind home, Jasper," I said, feeling the warmth of the sun dissipate and a moist coolness settle over everything now that the sun had set. "Bella must be worried by now." I found myself smiling at the thought of seeing Bella and stopped abruptly, frowning at my reaction.
Shrugging it off, I stood slowly, remembering my little blue friend. "I'm afraid this is where we part, birdie," I told it.
He chirped again. And call me crazy, but I swear it sounded disappointed. I gathered some muss and placed it on the spot he had been perched on before my appearance, Sponge Bob's"hand" and transferred him there. He chirped in protest, but remained.
"Now, you better die of natural causes and not let anything else kill you," I warned it. "I mean, you survived me, the most lethal of all predators. Not that I make a habit of killing birds… Anyway, that alone should give you a hint as to the long life you have ahead of yourself." I swear, it was staring at me now and giving me a dubious look, not buying a word of it. I chuckled, it sure had spunk.
He chirped again and I took it as a promise. Satisfied, I disappeared, following my own scent and heading home, to Bella.
Like so many times before today, I ran up the side of her home and entered her room through her open window, which always remained open, awaiting my return. I smiled at that, feeling some contentment and reassurance at the thought that I was the one that window remained open for. Of course, my mind took care of omitting the previous vampire that same, suddenly treasonous, window had remained open for. The damned Yankee.
Standing by the foot of her bed, I became instantly aware of the fact that Bella was not in her room. I inhaled, feeling the slight discomfort her appealing scent brought upon me intensify and setting my whole throat in flames. I moved past it, noting that she had been here moments ago and that her father was home so I couldn't go searching for her, in the literal sense.
Wondering where she could be, I closed my eyes and listened for the sound of her heartbeat, which by now I could pick out of a crowd. There, I found her in the bathroom. She was in the process of showering. Unable to help myself, I gulped audibly as the sound of the water traveling, gliding, and sliding down the curves of Bella's body became distinct to my sensible ears.
I was momentarily transfixed by the hums and sighs of contentment that fluttered pass Bella's parting, wet lips every time her sponge passed over a rather sensitive surface of her lathered body. With a muted thud, I sank into her yielding bed in an attempt to avoid temptation and feeling like I had gone weak at the knees.
Which had come in the fleeting and appealing form of a simple thought. Why listen, when I could watch and she wouldn't even realize it? Again, I had to shake my head as the thought burst up past my resolve again, tempting me. Tempting me?
I shuddered at the sudden realization of what I was doing. Deliberately standing up, I walked toward the window again, exited the way I had come, and ran. I did not stop until I was far away that I couldn't hear the sounds of Bella showering, appalled at myself.
"Something is seriously wrong with you, Jasper," I berated myself, holding onto fistfuls of my hair. I was squatting down, balanced on the balls of my feet, with my head in my hands, and my eyes closed. And seeing as to this position wasn't helping I started pacing. "What was that?" I asked myself over and over again.
What would have happened had I not walked away? I groaned at the thought of Bella entering her room , fresh from her shower, and a towel wrapped around her body, hiding little of her still soaked form. I moaned, that fantasy was a little too vivid for my liking.
What the hell was wrong with me? This was Bella Swan, Edward's (snarl) Bella Swan we were talking about here! And how come the thought of Bella still belonging to Edward became the cause of my irritation and savageness behind a snarl I was trying to hold back and failing miserably?
With a suddenness akin to being set aflame and not aware of the fact until it was too late, I knew what Alice had been talking about. What I hadn't known.
"I knew now!" I snarled spitefully. "And I can't agree!"
Because I could and because I had to, I ran. I ran twice around the perimeter of the treaty line, coming too close to the shape shifter's outer skirts of their terrain for their liking. They snipped and snapped at my heels with their jaws, missing every time, whenever I got too close and was disappointed every time they did not give chase. I was up for a little chase and a little action, but they wouldn't give me one. I sighed, dissatisfied. Maybe I should talk them into one? Promise I wouldn't hurt them, much?
I was running on the momentary high of a death wish. I felt disgusted with myself for thinking of Bella the way that I had. Abruptly, I stopped running, only now realizing that half an hour had passed since my indiscretion. I needed to head back…
OoO
Flame on throat, I thought sarcastically, trying to distract myself as I began to climb up Bella's tree and remembered the Fantastic Fourfor some unknown reason…
"Jasper?" I heard her call my name with eccentric satisfaction as I crouched and slipped through the frame of her open window, always open and waiting for my return, like Bella. Her voice was small, filled with unshed tears, uncertainty, and barely above a whisper, but I could hear her clearly, and she knew I would.
"I'm here," I assured her, my voice slightly louder than hers so that she could hear me, solemn. Making my way to her through the darkness, I watched her as she stretched out a trembling hand before her –like a blind person, too trusting. I wanted to hold her, make it all better, and light up her way, like she obviously wanted. Why else would her hand be reaching out like that?
I was conflicted, fighting the new knowledge that was at war with what I knew of this human girl, no, woman and her past.
The instant she heard my voice, her emotions became visibly relaxed and I heard her small sigh of relief carry her warm, sweet scent to me. Instantly intoxicated, my mind became clouded but so did my senses and I almost felt myself stagger. Or was it sway?
"You came back." You returned to me, you didn't leave me, you kept your promise, is what she really wanted to say. I could read between the lines and hear the true meaning behind her words. However, it seemed like she had held hope. My return had been stated and noted, not thought as a surprise.
Like curling, beckoning fingers that appealed to my greater senses, I followed the scent. Instead of solely relying on my sight, I closed my eyes and gave in to the more animalistic of instincts –smell.
Inhaling, I listened to the flutter of her beating heart, the slight hiccupping from crying in her breaths, the water in her hair, and her sniffles. Exhaling, I tasted the salt of her tears in her ear, the fresh scent of her showered skin, and her scent, all Bella.
I hoped that getting near her would not put her in any danger with my inner demon, in my current state. I approached her, after a small hesitation, by which time I had tested my self-control.
It would be all right, I convinced myself, reaching for her and taking her warm hand in my own granite, cold ones, touching. A sigh of relishquivered past my lips without warning, surprising, and I breathed her in. She shivered at the touch, but did not withdrawal, neither did I. Cautiously, with practiced ease, I pulled her to me, chuckling as I heard her gasp and her heartbeat skip, and sat together on her bed with her on my lap, facing toward me. I could feel the warmth of her breath, gliding over my collarbone and creating a gathering of condensation.
A shiver ran through my spine at the sensation. I quickly looked into Bella's searching eyes and took notice of the feel of her wet hair touching my arms and fingers, twined at the curve of her back, to occupy my mind with something else entirely.
Before now, today I hadn't noticed any of it. I loved having her in my arms, because nothing could compare to this rightness. Trapped and encased within the danger that I was. I could tell she felt safe and I felt like I, in turn, could keep her safe, as long as she remained rapt in me, just like now.
"I'm here," I sighed once again, into her ear this time, and then I smiled, placidly, as she shivered when my cool breath graced her warm skin, she smelled as lovely and delicious as ever. It was a satisfaction of sorts, her reaction. I could pretend that I affected her the same way that she affected me. Not that I was fully accepting that she did. I'm still in denial.
"Jasper…" she sighed and wrapped her delicate arms around me, her warm body begging for my cool embrace. I held her and wished that I could forever stay with her like this, because I also longed for her warm embrace... she just did not know it, she could not know it, because I would not and could not allow it. I couldn't even allow myself to allow it, much less contemplate it.
It was an unwelcomed and unwarranted attraction. It wouldn't be healthy. It wouldn't be prudent. It would be a betrayal of her trust, and not only hers but Alice's. It was already a betrayal, I realized with trepidation.
I finally understood everything that had come to pass between Alice and I as I accepted what was happening here, what had been happening, and what I had been unaware of until this very moment. What Alice had pointed out and what her emotions had been trying to ram into me. How had I been so blind?
"What's wrong?" I asked, concerned, due to the prolonged silence that held us wordlessly in a seemingly timeless moment and because I needed an escape from my own morbid thoughts. It must be because of her tears and the overwhelming source of emotions flowing from her to me, but I felt like I was choking on air.
There was so much sadness piled up in that fragile body of hers. I could not quite understand, or wrap my head around how she was still able to stand on her own two feet with the weight of it all. How she could bare the garroting pressure of her own grief. If only I had the power to posses that and take it away forever, not just artificially.
If only…
"I don't want to talk about it, just hold me," came her muffled response into my chest, my chest wet with her tears. "We'll talk tomorrow? I have a few questions of my own…"
"Of course." At her request, I held her closer, cursing Edward for making her cry and wishing that, somehow, I could hold her even closer. I knew she wanted to talk about Alice and what had taken me so long to come back to her, but I didn't have it in me to press her into telling me anything. "I'll wait until you are ready, darlin'. Be it tomorrow, next week, next month, or never. For you, I have an eternity."
All I could do for now, however, was calm her with my unnatural power, which seemed to have no effect on her at the moment. After all, I knew I wasn't superhuman. I was merely one of the walking dead in possession of a rare and supernatural ability. I frowned. Was her despair so great that not even I could help her?
This hurt more than the fact that she was not mine for the take and could never be. I wanted to have the ability to cry with her, for her… if only my eyes could be filled with tears, I would be crying with her. I felt so helpless, powerless, and I thought I had no weaknesses. I scoffed at myself, disgusted by my many years of arrogance.
Another reason why Bella should never know that I love her, that I have loved her. She deserves better than this battle scarred, blinded fool of an obsolete soldier that has no foresight beyond wanting to posses her, mind, skin, mouth, emotions, blood, soul, and, were she to allow it, heart; all of her.
"Thank you," she whispered, flashing the smallest of faintest smiles, before burying her face on the nook of my neck, and the simple, innocent action made me groan in anticipation and frustration. You wouldn't be thanking me if you knew the thoughts taking precedent in my mind right now, Bella, I thought darkly and without humor.
"Jasper?" she questioned quizzically, becoming rigid.
"Nothing, it's nothing," I assured her with a defeated sigh. Allowing my fingers to get acquainted to the length and trajectory of her back, I soothed her back into relaxing in my arms, caressing her spine under my cool, heating fingertips. She hummed at the caress and I felt something else wanting to go rigid.
I could not deny myself any more, at least consciously. I am irrevocably and irreparably in love with Isabella Swan. No wonder Alice's touch had no effect, I thought, somewhat solemnly.
My Bella, my sweet, brave, and innocent Bella, can you not see how crazy you are driving me?
OoO
A/N:The moment you all had been waiting for! We are finally catching up to the introduction to this story and from here on, I don't know what might happen so don't blame me.
Incase anyone was wondering about the repetition of emotions, it is not a mistake, that was done on purpose to show that Alice will fight for what's "rightfully hers".
Anyway, thanks for reading and reviewing, I hope you've enjoyed this chapter as well. Look forward to the next one and drop me some love.