Memoirs of Her Scent

by

Amaterasu Kinesi

Chapter Twenty-Four

Aching Heartstrings

…

Misery. I was drowning in misery, with no one to rescue me from its asphyxiating depths. One foot after another, the deafening sound of my footfalls crushing the damp grass beneath my running feet, ricocheted in the soundless palpitations of my trembling heart.

Everything sounded too loud, perceived thunderously piercing through the channels of my sensitive hearing. Even the silence, in its unconditional muteness seemed to engulf me, was overbearing.

From the rhythmic rise and fall of my chest gesturing my panting, gasping breaths, labored with suffocation, to each pounding step that sent everything in my path to find refuge in a scurrying of slithers, prancing, and rustles. All of it was much too loud and resulting in a splitting headache.

If you had told me five minutes ago that a vampire could suffer a severe case of the migraines, I would have laughed mockingly in your face and told you that it would be impossible, or improbable. Now, I'd have to say I would have to eat my own words. Actually, I would even go as far as telling you that a vampire could die, again, much like with instantaneous combustion, from heartache.

Surely, the devastating fear that bit and clawed at every inch and crevice of my heart and soul and halted my process was enough to attest to my theory. It was crippling… My mind was reeling and spinning, something that also didn't happen to my kind. I should have realized the moment my dead heart started experiencing abnormal heart palpitations, triggered by a mere human, it was only be the beginning.

Ah, love, let us be true

To one another! for the world, which seems

To lie before us like a land of dreams,

So various, so beautiful, so new

Hath really neither joy, nor love, nor light

Nor certitude, nor peace, nor help for pain;

And we are here as on a darkling plain

Swept with confused alarms of struggle and flight,

Where ignorant armies clash by night.

In the course of pushing the limits of my body and trying to run faster than I even knew I could run, I came to a sudden, screeching standstill. Recalling the last stanza of the poem Dover Beach, my feet suddenly felt heavier than the weight of the world and further movement became improbable. Atlas, I think I finally get you, buddy. I honestly felt like the weight of the world was now resting on my shoulders, leaving me in a frozen state.

Actually, no. I had stopped moving all together as the last line Matthew Arnold wrote on that last stanza flooded through my mind and resonated. The jolting, gnawing feeling was similar to having been struck by lightning… reminiscent of a jumpstart for my mute heart, giving me absolute pause.

"Where ignorant armies clash by night."

That line alone echoed in my thoughts and became the voice of my clamoring heart. Realization dawned on me. Ignorance, this one word said it all and spoke volumes, commanding the sole attention of every scattered and stray thought I'd had up until that moment. All thoughts momentarily halted, I took a moment to accept.

With this enlightenment came apprehension. I couldn't just barge in with a thirst for vengeance and a want for "righting" things, when I didn't even know what I was supposed to be "fixing". My ignorance was leading me to assume the worst case scenario, I concluded and saw reason.

Alice's words had been cryptic and ominous during that short, one-sided conversation, and that's what had set my mind into a jumble of assumptions. Jumping to radical conclusions wasn't helping me at all. I needed to just stop thinking…

Still, I could not stop my heart from aching. I had a feeling that I was about to find out I'd lost someone precious and irreplaceable, the further I continued running in the direction I was going. That was the kind of pain that threatened to make my heart burst. But I couldn't just give up and stop running towards Bella… could I?

However, if that was the case, would I be able to deal with the aftermath of this impending tragedy? Could I put up with this lack of knowledge, long enough to run and find out the truth and not regret my decision later? I could run away, I realized.

But as soon as the thought materialized, I knew I could not will myself to run away from here without knowing. I shook my head. I owed her that much. I respected Bella that much, enough to find out the truth.

"Alice has to be wrong…" I hoped.

With a trembling hand, I clutched at my heart, bunching my shirt up into a wrinkled mess, and tried to slow down my breathing. Tried to bring down my panting and gasping breaths to deep inhales and exhales, to some semblance of normalcy. Watching the rise and fall of my heaving chest, I allowed my mind to wonder once again.

In my understanding, my heart was a prisoner. Incarcerated in the cold clutches of irrational fear, clouding my judgment and prudence, and there was nothing I could think or say to myself to still its undeniable fate. Only the truth could set me free.

Just as my breathing began to slow, a heart-wrenching howl echoed behind me and I shivered, closing my eyes tightly. Afraid of my immobility, I forced myself to move forward. I needed to know… not knowing was killing me inside. Even my daemon was weeping at the thought that our temptress might no longer exist to tempt us another day. We could not have that.

Much too quickly my feet had lead me to where my heart had recently began to find the one place to return to and call home, Bella's home. Through the thinning thicket of trees, I spied the darkened house and hesitated.

Gathering my wits, I approached the edge of the forest line and listened. All was quiet from across the space of dividing wooded area. Not a light glowed within the house, not a heartbeat pumped, and nor a wind eased the thick tension oppressing the scenery. Everything was unnaturally still. The clam before the storm, I reflected cynically. I closed my eyes. Seeing isn't believing. Sometimes, smelling is.

Still afraid, I took a sniff and Bella's scent inundated my every sense, but there was another smell that was obtruding with hers. Prepared for the familiar burn and incommodity of Bella's scent and her days old trails from coming and going to school and work, I welcomed it, unlike the other. Like an addict welcomes the sting of the syringe piercing the skin before getting the next burning fix to the vein, I relished in the burning thirst that her mouthwatering and tempting aroma induced.

However, I feared the implications behind the knowledge that the newest and most recent of her trails had been made eight hours and a half ago. What did it all mean?

Taking another sniff in the hopes that my keen senses were somehow failing me, my eyes flashed opened and blackened with a surge of rage that prickled from my coccyx and tingled all the way up my spine to my head. I was right. I recognized the other scent. Definitely, nothing could have prepared me for the unwelcomed whiff, the trail merely moments old.

Walking with a sense of growing trepidation, I stepped away from the thicket at the edge of the forest. Leaving the undergrowth and the wrenching howls within behind me, and slowly, silently, I started making my way to the roadside at the front of Chief Charlie Swan's house. Abruptly, I felt myself begin to suffocate again at the unanticipated sight before me.

There, parked on the Swan's residence parkway, was Carlisle's all too familiar Mercedes S55 AMG, with its tinted windows and slick, powerful lines. Only, Carlisle's scent did not accompany the memory of smell my mind conjured up for me at the sight of his car. Carlisle's scent didn't predominate, that wasn't the scent I'd perceived. There were only the traces of his permeated, old scents.

Caught off guard, I fought hard against the growing growl I felt growing with intensity and fury deep within my chest, until it fell voiceless. My hands turned into tight fists at my side as the unwelcomed but recognizable scent blew my way, caught in a breeze. The scent was concentrated around the car mostly, coming from within and making a single trail that lead into Bella's home.

Taking a deep breath, I moved before I could think about doing otherwise.

Silently and fast, faster than I had ever moved on pure instinct, I was standing just outside the Swan's front door. Not a floorboard creaked. With practiced familiarity, I reached a hand to the doorframe, picked up the key atop it, and unlocked the door.

Opening the Swan's front door furtively, I noted that everything was still cast in darkness. But that didn't deter me, it couldn't. I could still see, as clear as day, and smell that there was someone else standing at the center of the Swan's vestibule. The entire lobby reeked of this interloper.

If your nose leads you to it… Bingo!

Placing the spare key back in its rightful place, I kept my eyes focused on the lone trespasser, still unaware of my presence. Closing the door noiselessly behind me, I quickly locked it without making a sound, and grabbed the intruder by the throat from behind. Immediately, before the interloper could put up much of a fight, I forced them to face me. Holding them at arm's length, within eye level, I met the trespassers eyes and confirmed my suspicions.

"Alice," I greeted coldly and mentally hissed as I glared into her dark eyes. How dare she approach this home in this obvious state of thirst?

"Jasper," She managed to croak out around my tight grasp and now crushed windpipe. I felt her surprise and fear and my daemon feasted boastingly on it.

So she hadn't seen me coming after all, I thought bitterly, otherwise, she would have avoided me. Probably because my choice to actually come in here hadn't been cognizant, and I hadn't planned to crush her neck, she hadn't seen me coming. I had been acting purely on instinct and not on a decisive and well thought out plan…

"You're not putting up a fight," I observed, slightly surprised. My grip around Alice's neck tightened. There wouldn't be any room for errors, if I could help it.

"I-"

"What the hell are you doing here?" I demanded harshly. Her hands instinctively went to pry the hand attempting to break her neck away, tugging at my wrist. Control, Jasper, control, I reminded myself and softened my grip so she could have room to speak and defend herself, and blatant defiance.

"I wanted-" She struggled, feet kicking. I didn't relent, if anything, I gripper her tighter to make my point. She wasn't going anywhere any time soon, not until I said so. "To make- sure. I-"

"Make sure of what?" I gritted out, digging my nails and braking skin. Already, I knew what her answer would be. I just needed to hear it, like the masochist I am.

"That Bella is dead," Alice offered mournfully. I was furious at her words and honesty. But mainly, that mournfully tone of hers was rubbing me off the wrong way.

"Alice," I said threateningly, bringing her close enough so that my lips would brush against her ear, before continuing, "you never did learn when to shut the fuck up." She shivered, whimpering. Leering, for I could savor and smell her fear on my tongue, I mused, "That's always been our one constant problem in our marriage though, hasn't it? You never know when to stay silent and, according to you, I never say enough… right, Ali, darlin'?"

"Jasper, no, that's-" With a grunt of contempt and disgust, I let go of Alice. I watched as she caught herself unceremoniously before she could hit the floor. Nursing her healing throat, she backed away from me and kept me in sight. Little good it would do for her, to get some distance between us. The thought alone amused me and annoyed me.

"Stop trying to back away from me," I commanded in a bored tone that made her tremble and stop immediately. "If I wanted you dead, I wouldn't be asking questions first." Honesty will always be and remain being the best policy. "Besides, it should probably be me that should be trying to stray far away from you." My jaw was working furiously, grinding my teeth together, and I was breathing so hard my nose was flaring.

"What do you mean?" She asked in bewilderment. I chuckled darkly. Of all the times she could have chosen to play dumb, it had to be now.

"You accuse me of playing a part in Bella's…" Death, I couldn't bring myself to say the sickening word. Instead, I trailed off, "And then you show up uninvited, after I've told you not to show your face around her, and then I find out you aren't even sure as to what your vision showed you?"

"I had to come…" Alice insisted. "Once I saw her jump, I had to come. I needed to find out for myself and for Ed-" Alice began adding in a whisper, but I stopped her as soon as his name started forming on her tongue. I had to, otherwise, I would have lost it all together.

"That's the wrong thing to say, little Ali," I snarled savagely, enraged by my own fury. This was all so petty. It was irrational, but I had to unleash it. And who better to witness it than the person who opened Pandora's Box? She cowered. Looking away from her, whether it was from shame or because I just couldn't stand the sight of her, I don't know. I just had to look away. Instead, I started pacing to keep myself from ripping her head right off her shoulders… My hands need something to do, before…

"I'm only speaking the truth!" She persisted, shaking her head. "I told him that this would end up happening, but he didn't believe me. 'Bella promised me'." -Alice mimicked his voice so well that I shuddered at the sudden pain that trailed down my chest at the evidence of Edward and Bella sharing something as simple as a promise between them. "He even warned me, 'You should stop looking into her future '," she continued, imitating him. "'We've already done enough damage'. I just couldn't do that."

"Enough…" I begged, barely above a whisper. But she didn't hear me. I wanted to uproot Bella's every memory of him, make it so they'd never crossed path. Even if that meant I never got to meet her. Anything to erase him from her heart…

"I swear, I wasn't looking into her future," she continued. "But just because you stop looking, that doesn't mean you stop seeing. I'm just as attuned to her as any other family member by now, and I didn't think twice about it when I saw her jump off that cliff, I got on the next plane here. I knew it would be too late, but I couldn't stay without doing anything. So I stood here with the hope that maybe I could help Charlie somehow, and then you came through the door…" She shook her head again, this time in confusion.

Enough! I didn't want to listen any more, but I couldn't bring myself to say anything. My head was reeling as I mulled over her every word, trying to piece the situation together. Nothing made sense.

I could hear the tension in her voice and feel it in the room as she finally added in a hushed tone, "I saw her fall into the water, I waited and waited to see if she would come out, but she didn't." Her eyes beseeched me. "How could she do this to Charlie? Didn't she stop to think about the damage this would do to him? And to our brother? Did she have any idea about what Edward…"

I finally cut her off as she uttered his name. I had to stand up for Bella and clarify this obvious misunderstanding Alice was getting at. Alice was of the thought that Bella had been trying to commit suicide. Bella just wouldn't jump off a cliff to dull her pain, much less make it stop. I had to believe that. Maybe I should have let her continue, but I felt it was about time I interrupted her.

"Bella wouldn't do that!" I proclaimed adamantly. My words seemed to echo loudly off the walls… for a moment, it sounded like the very wind was cradling my stubbornness beyond these walls in a roar.

"But, I saw her…"

"Wait," I paused. "Does he know I'm still here?" Suddenly stopping in my tracks with a sneer twisting at my lips, I asked the first question that came out of my mouth. The one that had been gnawing at me since his name had came up. "Does he?" I turned to Alice and she flinched. I was beginning to feel very amused, if more than a little annoyed. "Well, look at that, she finally goes mute when I actually want her to speak," I mused.

Alice sharply looked up at me. Suddenly realizing that I was standing right before her again, her eyes widened and searched for somewhere to escape. Her survival instincts are on high alert now, aren't they? Only, my hands were on either side of her head and she was pressed tightly to the wall behind her. There was no way out, she was caged.

"Does he?" I pressed. She shook her head. "I want to hear and feel your answer, Alice. Speak up!" I demanded.

"No!" she finally cried, startling herself. "I didn't -I haven't told him… Last time he heard, you had returned home to us… and, and he's not taking Carlisle's calls…"

"Lucky for you, I find your answer satisfactory," I tease maliciously. Splaying my left palm and fingers across her throat and tracing her jaw with my right thumb. With insurmountable satisfaction, I watched as her eyes widened and she began to squirm. Oh, my daemon and I were having so much fun tonight. "Now, tell me why on earth you would accuse Bella of attempting to commit suicide when you don't sound like you're even sure of what you saw?"

"It's like I said before…" she whimpered. "My vision showed me Bella jumping off a cliff. Not falling. And I waited for her to come out of the water, but that's not what happened."

Breathing shallowly, I contemplated her words, letting them sink in. I found myself at a loss. Looking down at Alice, I stared into her familiar eyes and saw myself reflected in them. Within them, I finally found the face and reflection of my misery. I could barely recognize myself in their depths.

Never had I seen so much emotion creasing and contorting my face beyond recognition before. Not in this sad excuse of an existence. And neither had she, I realized as I felt her wonder, pain, and betrayal.

There was something else brewing in her eyes… Taking a closer look, I grasped it. There, in her eyes, laid my many accusations. Like before, I felt guilt accost and overwhelm me. I loved her, now I hate her. Did she really believe this was easy for me? For the longest time, I always felt like I was the one that loved her more than she did me. And now, she accuses me?

Once, there was a time when her eyes had been my refuge and sanctuary, where I could lose myself. Now, they only serve as a reminder of what I once held dear and now lost. When, how did everything change? Questions upon questions, guilt upon more guilt, jealousy and betrayal…

Everything that had once been so sweet, pure, and tender has been stained, destroyed by my own hands and the growing love for the one woman that will for all time remain off limits. The one woman I can't –or shouldn't– touch.

"Not what happened…?" My words came out slowly, almost like a drunken slur.

"It was like I was missing something…" It was barely a whisper.

"Missing something?"

But before Alice could enlighten me as to what she meant, I became aware of something… a scent… and a fluttering heartbeat….

Alice and I stiffened, turning in the direction of the door.

The click of the front door being opened echoed in the quiet darkness, and a familiar silhouette filled the entryway. Suddenly there was a thrashing heart in the room and that scent…. The feminine silhouette took a tentative step into the vestibule, and one of her hands palmed the nearest wall in search of the light switch.

How come I hadn't heard this interloper approaching? Right, I had been drowning in misery. Alice's eyes moved to the face of the intruder and her surge of surprise filled me, keeping me at a standstill, waiting… and hoping.

My heart leapt slightly as my eyes narrowed and strained to see the face of this familiar figure, not that I really needed to. I could see perfectly well in the utter darkness of the room as if it were flooded with sunlight. Still, that didn't stop me from being doubtful, or thinking that her sudden return was a trick of the night… morphing shadows into shapes they shouldn't be. If this was a trick, it was a cruel one

Could I really allow myself to hope?

Alice moved. The shape before us froze mid search, never finding the light switch. A foreign shock of realization ran down my spine. Then, there was a muted click and the next moment, the entire living room was swamped with light. One pair of eyes blinked slowly at the sudden brightness, before landing on Alice.

"Bella…" I murmured, too low for any ears but my own to hear. Relief. Confusion. Trepidation. Emotions I couldn't put singular names to surged through me and again, I found myself standing at the edge of the abysm of fear. Could I truly hope?

Alice, with her back ramrod straight, remained perfectly still and never took her piercing black eyes from the face across her. I grew numb. Was this real? The trespasser's knees trembled for a moment, like she was about to fall. Then, Bella threw herself at Alice.

"Alice!" I heard her familiar, gentle and out of breath voice exclaim, hugging Alice fiercely as she collided with her. "Oh, Alice!" Her joy and surprise filled and I grew jealous of the fierceness with which Bella was demonstrating her feelings towards Alice.

"Bella?" Just in the way Alice said her name, I was able to hear and feel through her voice the same relief and confusion I was feeling.

"I'm... so sorry," she stammered. Again, her voice, "It's just... I'm so happy... to see you!"

"It's okay, Bella. Everything's fine."

"Yes," Bella sobbed, and for once I thought she actually believed it was so.

Alice sighed. "I'd forgotten how effusive you are," she commented with a hint of disapproval in her voice. Bella glanced up at Alice and stared at her, eyes filled with tears. Alice's neck had suddenly gone stiff, and she looked like she was trying not to breath, pressing her lips firmly together. Her eyes had turned pitch black once again. She was thirsty.

"Oh!" Bella exclaimed, noting the problem. "I'm sorry."

"It's my fault," Alice assured her, dismissing her apology. "It's been a long time since I left home. I shouldn't allow myself to be so thirsty around you, but I was in a hurry today." A dazzling look showed through Alice's eyes.

If I knew Alice, and I did know Alice, then I knew what was coming.

I moved.

Now an arm's length away from Alice and Bella, I gasped silently. I could feel her warmth calling to me from where I stood, close but not nearly close enough. My breath fanned over Alice's face and it took all of my crumbling self-control to not snatch Bella out of her embrace.

She's really here. I breathed. I was feeling lightheaded. Somehow, my eyes managed to focus and there stood Bella, looking stiff with cold, but happier than she had been in days. I let go of the breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding and took a tentative step in their direction. Alice shook her head. I ignored her. I needed to feel her warmth and reassure myself. Just then, her eyes landed on me.

Full of surprise, she whispered my name too, "Jasper?"

Even though I was less than a foot away from touching her, my steps halted. I was afraid to move. Terrified that my ears and eyes were playing tricks on me and I hadn't heard the right voice, or imagined it. Many times have I heard her tongue caress my name, but never had it sounded as sweet as today.

"Bella…" My voice sounded like sand and smoke, too telling. But at this moment, I didn't care if she found me out. The dam that had been keeping my love for this woman locked away was suddenly crumbling and everything I've ever felt for her was overflowing.

Without thinking about it, I opened my arms wide and invitingly to Bella. She smiled, understanding. Disentangling herself from a stunned and disbelieving Alice, Bella stepped into my embrace and her warmth enveloped me, melting away the frost in my heart. Again, as impossible as it is, my heart was palpitating. I was home.

I hugged her fiercely against my stone body and inhaled her in, paying no mind to the probability that my doing so might actually hurt her. I just needed to feel her close. Breathing her in, I frowned. She smelled… different. There was her usual smell, but then there was also a dampened smell and something else distasteful,and just not Bella.

"God, Bella…" I murmured against her hair, practically purring.

"I missed you too," she chuckled, hugging me back just as fiercely in an attempt to hide her blush from me. She had no idea… "But, Jasper, I can't breathe."

"Sorry," I mumbled sheepishly and loosened my hold. "But, Bella, where have you been?

"Yes, sorry to interrupt," Alice interjected. "But can you explain to us how is it that you're still alive?"

Always the tactful one, Alice, I thought sarcastically.

"You saw me fall." It wasn't a question.

"No," Alice denies, squinting. "I saw you jump."