Previously;

Then again, I understood, better than anyone, the feeling of thinking I'd have to endure through a world without Bella. Maybe, this time around, he isn't being overdramatic. "Get him on the phone," I ordered. "Now," I barked out in a snarl for emphasis, "Before he goes and does anything else stupid."

"He's already done so."

"Great," I gritted out.

"We need to tell Bella," She reminded me.

"You're right," I agreed begrudgingly. "Come."

oOo

Memoirs of Her Scent

Ch26: When She's Not Listening

Feeling the first warming rays of the early morning sun, peeking through the tree and window, kissing my cool skin I smiled contently. Still pretending to sleep in bed, with my eyes closed, I shifted to my left, which had me lying on my back now and absorbing more of the sun's balmy rays.

With a deep and content sigh, I relished in the sensation and inhaled deeply. The air smelled of Bella's scorching and appetizing scent and like morning, warm, humid, airy, earthy, and leafy. I'd say it was about six in the morning, if my nose is correct. And it usually is.

Somehow, I'd mastered this human gesture of sleep while having to hold Bella during hers. Sometimes she just needed me near or just lying next to her, so I didn't have to actually hold her.

During those instances, I would pretend I was asleep too, like now. Closing my eyes and making sure to shift when she shifted, if she shuffled her feet or sighed in her sleep, I'd follow suit. Anything to keep me from thinking about how lovely, enticing, ethereal, and appealing she looked under the light of the moonlight.

It was all just a means to keep me from staring and gaping at her face and body all night. A way to stop me and keep me from thinking about touching her the way I wanted to touch her, in a more intimate and inappropriate manner than I'd been allowed to touch her up until this moment.

There could no longer be any more slip-ups, like last time. About five days ago. When we'd been lying in bed and I had not been able to keep my hands to myself and I'd allowed myself to hold her the way a lover would after having made love until satiated, catering only to her needs. The moment intensely primal but not savage, careful but not cautiously so, caring but fearing the moment is over, and tender but also loving above all.

Her back flushed against my chest, her ass pressed against my lap, our legs entwined, my arms practically crushing her to me, while my tremulous fingers traced the contours of her delicate face with vacillating patterns, and my other hand combed my fingers freely through her ropes of silky chocolate hair.

Through my nose, I'd inhaled her scrumptious aroma, mouth watering and throat scorching, with the need, the want, and the temptationto taste the ambrosia that is Bella coursing like a wild inferno, prickling, and lingering through every fiver of my heightened sensible body, like a livewire.

Just one thought had run through my mind then; Isabella, I want you more than you will ever have the pleasure of knowing and I the honor of exploring. And only three little words had been uttered to the night, against her kissable alabaster skin, which I'd kissed, while she wasn't listening, the words; I love you.

Thinking about that moment has my smile widening impossibly so, despite my weak promises of never letting my guard down so easily again around her. My mind, heart, and body have on several occasions shown their disapproval at my hastily made choice, but I've done the best I can to remain in my best behavior when it comes to Bella.

Inhaling the sun rays and the aroma around me I shift, rotating to my right side without opening my eyes just yet. "Bella, I think it's time for you to rise and shine," I mumble lightly. Extending my free left arm, I reach out for her side of the bed only to come up disappointed.

Frowning, I struggle to open my eyes and face the reality of my situation. Bella's bedside, as I'd known, is empty. As empty as my heart and as blank as my eyes, the realization leaves a bittersweet taste on my tongue.

"She's gone…" I choke out, barely audible, even to my own ears. I've gotten too good at pretending to sleep; now I'm even dreaming that she's still here, I realize bitterly.

My eyes grow sad and heavy at the sight of Bella's empty bedside and with an arm over my eyes I topple over to the side until I'm on my back again and try not to sob at the intense loss I'm feeling. Telling myself; what's the use? I can't even shed the tears to show that I'm crying.

Laughing bitterly, I place my arm over my eyes, glare at the ceiling and every shadow that have suddenly become infinite forms of all my doubts and fears. Jasper, you've lost it, I think to myself as I shake my head, trying to rid it of all this weighing thoughts and failing.

"Come back," I plead and pray. "Come back to me, Isabella. Even if you can't be mine, just come back safe."

Because I can't stand lying alone where she's laid with me any longer, I sit on the bed and proceed to stand. Unable to stand being away from her scent, I stay within her empty room, breathing her in and wishing she were here with me and able to tempt my demon.

Surprisingly, my demon wishes she was here too, so much so that he doesn't even have the strength to taunt me in my schmaltziness of the moment, or the will to fight and convince me to go sate our need to feed, even though we both know we need it.

Instead, he stays quiet in the background, moping along with me and growling at our matching weakness, one Isabella Swan, a weak, breakable, delicate, lovely little human. His thoughts about Bella are almost snide and treacherous, belaying everything and nothing.

He, too, loves her, I realized in that moment as I paced around her room and suddenly came to a pause at the absurdity of our enlightenment. As my demon catches on to my realization he lashes out at me, trembling within me and in complete and utter denial of his true feeling. It is my turn to sneer at him and be snide. Caught in the web of my weak human?

Never! He argues, but his words sound void of certainty or vitality. I find myself snorting as he glares at me. You're the one confusing your human feelings with my need to feed, weakling! I crave and love the kill, nothing more, He tries to convince me. But all I hear is the truth behind his lies; I love her. I love the human, too, happy now, weakling?

Is that what you meant, devil? I taunt, triumphant, and I swear that I feel him grow shy and blush, if that didn't mean I was going crazy.

If it wasn't for the fact that I need your vessel to continue on, I would have long forgone you… He threatens rather weakly, almost meekly.

I raise a brow. Yup, my demon is a resentful and spiteful being. But since he too loves her, I can't hold it against him.

That's why the two of us are here, waiting impatiently for her return. We just want her to come back home safe. As long as she's safe, it won't matter if she comes back home in the arms of another.

Mine! My demon growls, startling himself and surprising me.

There's that honesty you're always nagging me about…

I- I didn't mean that… He denies.

I shake my head. Of course you didn't, I placate. He scowls, sulking again. And I can't help but laugh out loud at his stuttering feelings, accepting for once that we are very much alike.

"Mine," I whisper to myself, savoring the sound and feel of the word on my lips. My demon begrudgingly agrees, his snarl reverberating within my chest vicious and quiet.

We will let her decide, My demon tells me, no longer pretending not to know how deep he's fallen. When she does, we will fight for her or flee and disappear for her. Our fate rests in her hands, and your heart in her palm. I could not agree more.

With that, we thought about yesterday and how we ended up confined to Bella's room in fear of forgetting her scent or never being able to smell it again. Now that would be a tragic feat. Indeed. That would be.

oOo

Moving swiftly across the paved road with Alice right behind me, I opened the door to the Swan's home only to be roughly welcomed by Jacob Black and his reeking stench. Grabbing me by the throat and slamming me against the wall as he trembled, trying and struggling to keep his phasing at bay.

Everything, from my eyes to the barely contained snarl rumbling deep in my throat to the way I held my body tensely, almost like a snake ready to strike was daring the dog to go ahead and fight me. With the mood I was in, I would more than gladly accept the challenge and make him suffer for it, limb for limb, until there was nothing more than his head left for me to kick like a soccer ball into the deep blue, never to be found.

If only he would just try me, I though sadistically and just as sardonically. Jake fixed his eyes on me, bottomless black to bottomless black and growled out his warning before tightening his hold on my throat. Sliding me up against the wall closer to his eye level, he chanced a look at Alice, fixing his heated gaze on her and silently warning her to stay where she stood and not make any sudden movements.

Understanding the warning and not in the slightest afraid, Alice remained frozen in place. The last thing we needed was for this puppy to go and phase within the Swan's home, especially with Bella right in the middle of the danger zone.

"Jake, let him go, it's only Jasper!" Bella protested nervously, as if she could hear me thinking about her.

"He's one of them Bella!" Jake's eyes widened in disbelieve, jaw clenched and grinding.

"Yes, Jake," I taunted with a snarl. What? I'm a vampire, male dominance and all that… "Let- -go- -of- -me- -Mutt." Insert innocent smile and narrowed eyes. "It's only me. Defenseless little ol' bloodsucker Jasper." I snickered. "Hi Bella."

Her eyes widened at my nonchalance. "Hey… Jasper," She greeted uncertainly. "And Alice." Alice beamed.

"Shut up, both of you!" Jake sneered and narrowed his eyes in warning at me, body trembling before he reluctantly listened to Bella and began to let go of me but then thought better about it.

I had a bored look throughout the whole thing, which pissed the Mutt, and which was exactly what I wanted and made me giddy. But of course, I wasn't about to show it.

"Bella?" He gritted out and I tried not to roll my eyes. More like whined. What a mutt, he actually had the balls to ignore me, and to my face, no less.

"Let him go, Jake. Please?" Bella pleaded in my behalf and I hated him even more for making her beg. "It's Jasper. You have to know he won't hurt me, right?"

"Wasn't it him, the one who wanted to make a meal out of you on your birthday?" Jake pointed out, not letting up. I growled viciously against his hold, a warning. "Isn't it his fault? Why that other bloodsucker left you here to rot?" He smirked up at me. "Guess I owe you one," He muttered low enough that Bella wouldn't catch it.

I felt Bella's gut retching pang twist my innards and latch out at my own gut at his careless words. Without thinking, my own hand moved before I realized what I was doing and I snapped the hand that pinned me, making a clean break.

"Watch your mouth mutt," I warned with a hiss, baring my teeth and snapping them in his direction. However, I don't think he heard me as he howled in pain. Satisfied with my work, I ignored him and instead focused on Bella.

Bella blanched, trembling slightly and staring speechless at the arm I'd broken, sticking out at an unnatural angle.

"It's okay," I assured her, walking up to her slowly and still making her jump slightly at the unexpected quiet sound of my voice, despite my best efforts not to scare her.

"Jasper…" She glanced at me, alarm registering in her wide eyes.

I paused and cleared my throat feeling hot and bothered. She had breathed my name in that breathy voice of hers, the one that always made me gulp in an attempt to smother the sudden want that it ignited and instantly brought to the forefront. I could just picture her breathing my name just like that in a much different setting than this with me between her quivering thighs as I…

"He'll heal quickly," I explained, a promise of sorts, and shook my head out of the gutter.

"A-are you sure?" Bella stuttered to ask, clearly dubious.

I smiled reassuringly. "Positively." And because I couldn't resist the temptation any longer, I deliberately wrapped my arms around her and held her close as she laid her head on my chest. I was acutely aware of the scorching heat of her ear lingering where, if I were human, she'd probably be listening to my heart's speeding and rushing crescendo, thudding only for her.

"Good," She sighed, relieved. And ever so trusting, content to be in the safety of my arms.

You really should feel this safe, trapped in my arms, Bella, I silently chided and secretly felt my pride swell at the thought that I was able to provide her with a sense of security. No matter how false it was.

"You see," I pointed out, "He's already quieting down." Bella nodded, glad and unquestioning.

"A little help here?" Alice hissed.

Turning in an about-face, I shifted Bella and me, keeping her right where she was, so that I could glance at Alice over the top of Bella's head. Glancing at Alice I noted that she was trying to help the reluctant mutt with his broken state.

"Before it heals the wrong way, please?" She pressed. I scowled but resigned and reluctantly went to help.

"Don't go anywhere," I told Bella. "We came back for a reason."

Going over to Alice and the mutt I sneered widely at the look on his face as I sent wave after wave of pain and distrust his way. He whimpered pathetically and Alice glared at me.

I shrugged. "You asked for my help, Alice. I didn't offer it."

Sure, I was going to help him get the bone I'd broken back into its rightful place, but that didn't mean I had to have any bedside manners about it. Reaching Jake, I grabbed his arm and snapped it back into place with a great yank, not giving him the chance to prepare for the moment.

He visibly became pale and sweating profusely with tears in his black eyes, screamed and howled his pain to the room at large, causing Bella to flinch and hiss in sympathy.

"Sorry," I muttered maliciously, clearly not meaning it, but sending waves that told a different story.

"Thanks," He groaned begrudgingly.

"Just make sure that the next time you make Bella beg for something with tears in her eyes, I'm not there to witness it," I told him lowly and dangerously, my lips close to his ear, close enough for him to feel the nip of my teeth against his skin.

He shivered, nodding earnestly. "I'll make sure never to piss you off…" He nursed his healing arm and looked at me sideways, resentment pouring out of him in tidal waves.

"You should go, Jake," Bella spoke, reminding us that she was still in the room, and three heads turned her way. She shifted, uncomfortable with the sudden attention.

"You're right," He agreed, to my surprise, unhappily. "Now that they're back the treaty line is back in place." Bella frowned. Now I understood. "Meaning, I'm trespassing."

oOo

"Bella, we have something to tell you," Alice announced now that the mutt was gone and out of earshot. "But I need you to remain calm…"

"What is it Alice?" Bella questioned, feeling agitated and glancing over at me, silently asking me the same question.

Alice threw the bomb. "It's about Edward." Bella's heart tripped and stuttered at his name and her feelings were a kaleidoscope of tormenting turmoil. I growled low and savage, for vampire ears alone, which made Alice fidget. "He's gone to get himself killed."

Bella froze and went pale. "Where is he Alice?" Bella frantically needed to know. "We need to go help him. I need to go find him." My hands fisted at my side and my demon scurried to the crevices and sidelines of my mind, trying not to get caught and tangled in the crossfire of my spiraling emotions.

"Italy," Alice barely got out and Bella was in motion. I've never seen her handle herself with such grace or purpose. Not once did she trip as she ascended the stairs toward her room and started looking for what she need. Meanwhile, I stood rooted to the spot, unable to move and unable to think clearly.

She still loves him, she still loves him, she still loves him…

Over and over in an irritating loop the words repeated themselves to the point where they sounded like nails on a chalkboard.

In spite of it all she still loves him and is going to his rescue without much of a thought, My cruel mind observed, and added insult to injury. Or should I say added salt to the wound?

"She's going to him?" My voice was so incredulous I sounded sick.

"What did you expect her to do?" Alice gently asked and my head spun around to see hear waiting for Bella by the end of the steps.

"I hoped she wouldn't do this," I admitted. Also admitting that I wasn't as surprised by her choice as I appeared to be, I had expected her to go to Edward's nodded, like she could hear my internal monolog.

"Are you going to stop her?" Alice asked and my head snapped up like a whip and my eyes bore into hers. YES, YES, YES! "If so, now would be the time." NOW, NOW, NOW, HURRY!

I frowned and ignored her and him. "You should help Bella pack," I instructed. NO, NO, NO! "You're pressed for time, remember?"

With a curt nod Alice went. In what could only be considered autopilot, I called the airport and booked the next flight out of Seattle to Italy, first or economy class, it didn't matter.

NO, NO, NO! My demon kept vehemently protesting.

Shut up! This is just what I've got to do for her, for Bella.

YOU'LL LOSE HER!

This is what she needs. What she needs me to do for her. What she wants. I'm sure…

FORGET ABOUT HER DAMNED NEEDS, WHAT ABOUT US?

WHAT ABOUT US? HEY!

SHUT UP!

A moment later I looked up at the sound off footsteps and Bella and Alice were standing before me once again.

"Come on," I said, motioning for them to follow. "Time is running out."

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

STOP HER, STOP HER, STOP HER, NOW!

TELL HER NOW, TELL HER NOW!

JUST TELL HER, NOW!

SHE'LL STAY! NOW!

What if she doesn't?

BUT SHE WILL! NOW!

TELL HER!

oOo

Once outside, I watch in denial and disbelieve that this is actually happening as she rushes to the car behind Alice and throws her belongings in while Alice ignites the ignition. The outsider looking in, that's who I am.

Bella glances over at me in a moment of panic and doubt and I try to smile through my pain. I'm losing her. She's going…

You can still stop her…

I can't, not without making her hate me.

Just do it! You can just pretend she hates me instead.

That won't work…

"Jasper?" The sound of her sweet voice brings me out of my musings and I catch her just as she throws herself into my arms. "Should I go?" She asks and I stiffen.

Now, now, do it now… she's asking you! Tell her not to go.

Time… time is running out, but already the thought of another day without you is unbearable, and I start to feel the sting of tears that can never fall...

I feel Alice's eyes burning a whole into the side of my face as she whispers, "Tell her to hurry, we need to be on the road now."

"Would you be able to live with yourself if I asked you to stay?" I ask Bella and watch her as she thinks.

I started to see the beauty of a beginning, and the eclipsing sadness encompassing its ending...

"I don't want him to die…" She finally whispers and a weight is lifted off off me and I know I can do this. I can watch her leave. "I know it doesn't make sense with what he did to me… and you've been so kind to me-"

"Go," I choke out. NO! How it hurts, this fear of having you. How can I have you, Isabella Swan, when the very notion of losing you already wounds?

Bella glances at me, startled as if she expected me to say something else. And for a moment I feel a tinge of disappointment and rejection emanating from her, but then the feeling is replaced with gratitude and determination and I know I've done the right thing for Bella.

"Come with us?" Bella pleads, startling me and my demon. We hadn't thought about that.

We consider and breath her in. "This is something that you need to do alone, Bella," I decline. Bella frowns, feeling and looking upset but accepts and understands my point. "Get going, Swan. Alice is getting impatient."

As if on cue, Alice honks the horn and startles Bella.

Isabella, your embrace is a respite; just a chaste kiss from you keeps me alive; your gaze is a beautiful sunrise. Did you know?

"What about you," Bella asks, giving me a final hug before she stars to walk away from me.

Since I've waited so long to see, feel, something so immense, watching it reach its end is very heartrending...

"I'll stay behind, waiting for you," I promise. How it hurts, this fear of having you. How can I have you, when the very notion of losing you already wounds? NO, NO, NO! PLEASE, STOP HER NOW? NOW! "Until you return, I'll wait for you right over there." I point to her room. "Now go!"

With sad eyes I watch her get into the car and as soon as I hear the door close, I disappear inside the house. Intently I listened to Bella's heart getting further and further away as Alice speeds her away from me. Isabella, losing you impairs… I can't watch her leave after all.

"Bella!" I CAN, My demon argues and takes me right back outside and forces me to watch as he calls out to her with my mouth and voice. "Bella wait!" With some relief I watch as Bella turns in her seat and her eyes meet mine. She heard us! My demon releases me and I stay rooted to the spot, unsure of what to do or how to hold myself.

Since I've waited this long to see, feel, something this immense, watching it reach its ending is agonizingly torturous.

"Is that Jasper?" I hear Bella ask of Alice. The car isn't that far away but it's by no means close. Still, I can perfectly make them out, getting smaller and smaller in the distance.

"Yes," Alice confirms in a clipped tone.

"Bella, I love you…" I finally tell her.

My eyes connect with Alice as Bella asks, "What did Jasper say, Alice? I think he said something."

Her gaze is a silent question and I shake my head. No, Bella can't know.

"He says, be safe," She relies, lying flawlessly, all the while holding my gaze in the rearview mirror and never letting go.

Just as unwavering I stare back into her eyes and say, "Thank you."

"Don't."

"I'll see you soon, Jasper." Bella smiles, warmth radiating through her feelings. I hope so. I'll be waiting. "I'll miss you." I know I will.

"I love you, Isabella," I confess out loud once again because she isn't listening. "Come home safely and back to me."

"And Alice?" I say with undeniable urgency. "Bring her home safe and-"

"Keep you posted?" She interrupts, glancing sideways at Bella and making sure she's unaware of our conversation. She is, because Bella only has eyes for me as they speed away and she tries to maintain me in sight through squinted eyes. A sight that makes me smile fondly, only to be washed out by Alice's assumption.

Vehemently I shake my head. "Don't," I plead weakly. Alice's eyes widen and I can faintly feel the shock and confusion emanating from her the further they get. "I don't want to know," I explain and add, "I just need you to bring her home safe. Only when you're on that plane back home, text me and let me know that you're coming back and that she's unharmed. Nothing else."

Alice nods, agree reluctantly before asking, "What about me?"

WHAT ABOUT HER?"What about you?" I question out loud, both to sate my demon's and my curiosity.

"Don't you wish for my safe return?" She questions rather meekly, a whisper within a whisper.

I grimace. I HADN'T EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT HER... My demon muses, my thoughts exactly. Alice, Bella, and the car are almost out of sight and out of earshot so I rush forward to keep the in sight and earshot.

Once in sight I tell her, "I wish for your safety, Alice, because you're the one person standing in the way of Bella's safety." It is Alice's turn to grimace with the painful knowledge of my confession. "Stay safe so you can keep Isabella safe, will you?" I dare to ask, knowing that I'm driving a stake right through Alice's heart. But I'm desperate. We ARE DESPERATE, my demon interjects, seething. And I can't really find it within myself to cater for her emotional welfare at the moment.

WE WILL DEAL WITH THAT LATER, My demon promises and urges me on impatiently. YOU SHOULD, STILL, BE TRYING EVERYTHING IN OUR POWER TO TRY AND STOP HER! NOT SEE TO HER SAFETY! TRUSTING THE WORD OF OUR ONCE LOVER, He spat mockingly and vexing. SHE'S OURS NOW, He reminds me once again. HER BLOOD AND FATE SHOULD DRIP FROM OUR FINGERS, HANDS, AND ARMS!

Despite how savage his words are, I know my demon has a point, of course. He always does. Still, I don't listen and he snarls his disappointment and urges my body forward without my consent. Obviously he still can't believe or accept that we are watching her go. That's when Alice finally decides to throw her pride away and answers my request, her eyes hostile and wary but on us nonetheless. We do not dare breathe as we listen.

"I'll do it for her," She clips out. Despite her animosity, we feel relieved, my demon and I. "I'm the one rushing her into this," She admits.

VERY WELL,My demon accepts, pacifying within me and leaving me on my own for the time being as he fumes silently in the sidelines.

Unable to remove myself from where I'm standing and walking away, I stayed outside, watching her go, until she was gone, and there was no longer a spec in the horizon. She's gone, I agonized and doubled over under the weight of my sense of loss. My demon stirred, more savage and animalistic than ever as he blamed me for not listening and doing what we should have done in his most vicious manner.

Nails on the chalkboard, SHE'S GONE! FIND HER, FIND HER. I NEED HER. YOU NEED HER. WE NEED HER. SHE'S MINE, YOURS, NO, OURS!

In the distance, I heard a distinct howl that conveyed exactly how I felt at that moment. How my demon, still cursing at me felt.

EMPTY.

INCOMPETENT.

DISTRAUGHT.

DAMNED.

AGONIZED.

HOLLOW.

HEARTLESS.

MORTIFIED.

IN PAIN.

AGONIZING PAIN.

PARALyZING PAIN.

IN LOVE.

UNDESERVING.

TERRIFIED.

DOUBTFUL.

INSECURE.

ALONE.

ALONE.

ALONE... AND NEEDING... SO ALONE...

FORGOTTEN.

...ALONE, NEEDING, AND FORGOTTEN...

ALWAYS THE OVERLOOKED AND THE FORGOTTEN.

THE LESS LOVED... ALONE!

...ALONE...

DYING.

...ALONE...

I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE!

I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE!

...ALONE... FORGOTTEN? UNLOVED?

WHY WON'T SHE LOVE ME? US?

...ALONE...

LOVELESS.

oOo

BUT SHE'S GONE, SHE'S GONE! SHE'S GONE TO HIM!

MINE! SHE'S SUPPOSED TO BE MINE!

SHE'S GONE?

oOo

A/N: This chapter is clearly shorter than my norm, but it has everything that I wanted to put in into it. Hope you all enjoyed reading it. Thanks for doing so! Please read and review, they might inspire me!