A/N: Thought that some of you might find it helpful to know that I went back to the previous chapter and made a few arrangements. Right after Alice lies for Jasper's sake. You might want to check that out before going ahead with this chapter.

oOo

Previously;

Unable to remove myself from where I'm standing and walking away, I stayed outside, watching her go, until she was gone, and there was no longer a spec in the horizon.She's gone,I agonized and doubled over under the weight of my sense of loss. My demon stirred, more savage and animalistic than ever as he blamed me for not listening and doing what we should have done in his most vicious manner.

Nails on the chalkboard, SHE'S GONE! FIND HER, FIND HER. I NEED HER. YOU NEED HER. WE NEED HER. SHE'S MINE, YOURS, NO, OURS!

In the distance, I heard a distinct howl that conveyed exactly how I felt at that moment. How my demon, still cursing at me felt.

-O-

I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE!

I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE!

...ALONE... FORGOTTEN? UNLOVED?

WHY WON'T SHE LOVE ME? US?

...ALONE...

LOVELESS.

oOo

BUT SHE'S GONE, SHE'S GONE! SHE'S GONE TO HIM!

MINE! SHE'S SUPPOSED TO BE MINE!

SHE'S GONE?

oOo

Memoirs of Her Scent

Ch27: Catatonic Shape of Mind

Asleep or waking is it? for her neck,

Kissed over close, wears yet a purple speck

Wherein the pained blood falters and goes out;

Soft, and stung softly-fairer for a fleck.

I don't know any longer, am I awake or asleep, dreaming or escaping my reality? What is a dream? Do I sleep? Who am I? What am I? Where am I?

But though my lips shut sucking on the place,

There is no vein at work upon her face;

Her eyelids are so peaceable, no doubt

Deep sleep has warmed her blood through all its ways.

I'm so cold… and so alone, I think and shiver as my eyes burst open. Everything around me is dark, but I can still see the night as well as I can see the day and for a moment this awareness bewilders me. Unable to adapt to the absurdity of it all, I decide not to deal with it and close my eyes once again. Somewhere, in the back of my mind, I know there's a reason behind the way I feel… but as soon as I start to ponder it, I ache too much and my mind goes deeper into the abyss and embraces the devil demon.

She holds my heart in her sweet open hands

Hanging asleep; hard by her head there stands,

Crowned with gilt thorns and clothed with flesh like fire,

Love, wan as foam blown up the salt burnt sands-

Breathe, just breathe, I tell myself and as I do so, I inhale the most intoxicating aroma. It's all around me and I can't get enough of it so I breathe it in time and time again, not caring that my actions are unnatural. Rather, I focus on the ache that takes hold as this intoxicating aroma enters my system and delivers its blow. Behind my eyelids I begin seeing flashes of brown silky locks, coffee brown doe eyes, and the face of a girl with a smile that disarms all my inhibitions.

The scent and shadow shed about me make

The very soul in all my senses ache;

The hot hard night is fed upon my breath,

And sleep beholds me from afar awake.

Just like that, I know exactly what has been ailing me, crippling sorrow. Sorrow at its finest, or I should say worst, maiming me to the core of my being, my soul. Slowly and painfully everything I'd been trying to push away by willingly diving into the abyss starts coming back to me in images, scented and auditory memories, and I begin to quake and ache tenfold.

There is no change of cheer for many days,

But change of chimes high up in the air, that sways

Rung by the running fingers of the wind;

And singing sorrows heard on hidden ways

Isabella Swan is gone, even within the confinements of my mind I suffocate on the name, her name as I just think it. The name of the one I love.

The name of the one WE lo- need. This thought is naught but a whisper, somewhere near the recesses of my mind but it unsettles and coerces me. I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say, and you can't take back what you've taken away. Again that same wisp, hiss, and smoke like voice utters and I shudder at its hostility this time.

Unsurprisingly, I don't know how I know that it knows, but I have a gut feeling that it does. Neither do I understand how I know what it is talking about, but it can only be one thing, one person to be exact; Isabella Swan.

I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say, either, I'm damaged, as I'm sure you know. A feeble attempt at an argument and that wisp, hiss, and smoke of a voice knows it and hisses its disapproval.

Once more her name brings to life things I do not wish to be reminded of. But I am powerless to stop them as they play behind my closed lids. Stolen moments, clumsy and unintentional touches that became intentional along the way, idle conversations under the sun and at different instances in time, her warmth, the lust it evokes, the yielding, smooth softness of her ivory skin, and my ever growing endearment and love for the girl that transformed into a woman somewhere along the way.

I dare not always touch her, lest the kiss

Leave my lips charred. Yea, Lord, a little bliss,

Brief bitter bliss, one hath for a great sin;

Nathless thou knowest how sweet a thing it is.

Each changing image added to the unveiling of a more profound sorrow yet, a pain that has no end and no mercy. I wanted to run away from each sweet moment showcase but was unable to. Helplessly, I watched until it stopped, feeling drained and more lost than ever. Even so, I wanted to experience every single one of those moments again, especially the innocent and the not so innocent ones spent on her bed and room.

For if mine eyes fail and my soul takes breath,

I look between the iron sides of death

Into sad hell where all sweet love hath end,

All but the pain that never finisheth.

So selfish. As I think it, I can feel its agreement before it voices' it, adding to my ailment.

SO SELFISH, INDEED… There's no emotion behind his voice, just plain, unadulterated, crude truth.

I'm ashamed, I whisper, and since it is the first time I've used my voice in who knows how long it sound like dust and rust, hoarse and sorrowful. And I'm afraid. For some reason I needed for it to know. Dreaming comes so easily, I casually confess, tormented by the idea and the fact that I can't really dream.

'Cause it's all that I've known, It murmurs and I'm caught off guard by the manner in which he's voiced that. Didn't he mean, "It's all that you've known"? Healing comes so painfully, my demon, I now recognize, tells and reminds me.

And it chills to the bone, I agree.

True love is a fairy tale, It lets me know and all I taste is bitter doubt at the back of my throat.

This bitter love is sorrow in all lands,

Draining of eyelids, wringing of drenched hands,

Sighing of hearts and filling up of graves;

A sign across the head of the world he stands,

There's mending for my soul, I offer, hoping it will pacify him in some manner and be a balm to my qualms.

An ending to this fear? I can only hope… My demon is silent for a moment, contemplating. Will anyone get close to me? He wonders idly, abstaining from blaming me for our predicament. Surprisingly it's not as hard as he thought it would be, just to let me wallow in self pity. He too is starting to question who and what he is, becoming numb within me.

I'm damaged, so how would I know? I sneer at my demon reproachfully. I'm scared and I'm alone. I sigh, feeling all the more pathetic and I can't help but chuckle darkly at our predicament.

As one that hath a plague-mark on his brows;

Dust and spilt blood do track him to his house

Down under earth; sweet smells of lip and cheek,

Like a sweet snake's breath made more poisonous

And you can't take back what you've taken away, He points out unhelpfully, adding salt to the wound. I scowl. The devil sneers. Suddenly, it is him who is showing me things I do not wish to see and I'm surprised to feel a smidge of guilt behind his lustful and needful, unquenchable thoughts.

There, before our eyes, all I see are different scenarios of Bella in our arms, broken and lifeless with her life flowing and ebbing away from her from every puncture of her mutilated skin.

His head far down the hot sweet throat of her-

So one tracks love, whose breath is deadlier,

And lo, one springe and you are fast in hell,

Fast as the gin's grip of a wayfarer.

The monster in me soars and feasts its eyes at the bloody, familiar sight and even my throat reacts, searing with the thought of the imaginable and familiar smell we've come to be smeared and surrounded in. I swallow painfully in automatic response. However, the lover in me is repulsed by the mere thought of harming her. Hence, my monster's tangible guilt.

I think now, as the heavy hours decease

One after one, and bitter thoughts increase

One upon one, of all sweet finished things;

The breaking of the battle; the long peace

Then, just as I think the horror is about to end, I see another unfold and I hold my breath. Unable to tear my gaze away, I watch with wide eyes as my demon takes over my will, forces me into submission, and goes after the woman I love, the woman he claims to need, and the woman we are intoxicated by to the point of aching for her.

Yea, for my sin I had great store of bliss:

Rise up, make answer for me, let thy kiss

Seal my lips hard from speaking of my sin,

Lest one go mad to hear how sweet it is.

He caresses her, kisses her, touches her, and brings her to the peak before sinking his teeth viciously into her too yielding flesh and she doesn't put up a fight, she trusts him to stop before harming her. But before I can find out whether or not he actually manages to be less of a monster, I give into the arms of blissful abyss and my demon roars in protest but I pretend not to hear or care. Escape. As I suspected, for my demon followed, it wouldn't be that easy.

-O-

Don't walk away! The demon commands, halting my blissful retreat.

Turn around and leave me alone, I plead of it, tired of arguing.

I see, you've take the cup of delusion and the wine of remorse, He mocks with a wide crude sneer distorting his features, which are so similar to my own.

Yes, Isabella Swan is gone, I agree, thinking it the easier way out. I'm gone.

This empty hole inside- Knowing that he won't let up until I've listened to him, I turn around and listen to him, giving him my full attention, which gives him pause. For a moment he's slightly taken aback and struggles with his words, like someone who's not used to being listened to for long periods of time and is uncomfortable with the sudden attention. She's gone, He finally adds, looking distraught by the admittance of this obvious of situations. You can't take it back. Now he's back to blaming me.

I can't go back, I simply state, stubborn.

I thought you had it all together? He scowls, reminding me of everything I've lost. We've lost, I amend.

But my hands are empty… there's no Bella.

Does it matter now? My head whips up to look at him and I stare deep into his eyes. He stares back, unflinching. For some reason, as I search deep within his unrestricted onyx eyes, this feels like it's the first time I've done this. The first time I've really stared into the mirrored eyes of my own monster. It isss, I think I hear him quietly hiss, like water to a hot rod, but I'm not sure.

You're right. I can't even measure the pain it caused.

Amazingly enough, what I find there surprises me. He's guarded, no, that's not right. My devil is vulnerable. I blink and he remains stoic and unmoving without so much as daring to blink or breathe. Like some great mystery, I realize that his very foundation has been shaken from under him and he doesn't feel like he can reach out for me to lend him the strength we usually share in without much thought.

Suffering is sweet agony, but Who am I to compare my pain to yours? He sounds hurt and like an abandoned child as he says this and I feel a twinge of guilt and sympathy. Perhaps I don't know him as well as I thought? Maybe, not at all or not enough? I contemplate. I think he sees the sympathy in my eyes and his coal black eyes harden, cutting me off from further scrutiny.

My suffering must mean nothing… I try to focus back on myself to stop the guilt I feel for him from overwhelming me. It seems like everything is felt that much more acutely here. I hate it. I start to check out but I don't get far enough when his voice cuts through the veil of sweet awaiting oblivion. Stop it! He demands in a panic, chest rising with his heaving breathes. Quit imagining that you've left this life! A plead and a command sewn together, effective enough to gain my attention.

Does it still matter now? I'm honestly curious. I earnestly wish to know what he thinks. It's true.

If that's the way it should be, then I believe in you. Clearly not the response I was expecting.

My suffering must mean something. I can't accept the idea of going through this for nothing.

Must meant something to you, or to me? There's no mockery in his tone, just tentative intrigue.

If you could see my fear… I sigh, displeased and mildly disgusted with this void, but unable to bring myself to leave it.

I feel it with you, remember? For a perplexing moment I'm shocked. I'd forgotten that he is a part of me and I of him. Of course he knows exactly how I feel. Again, guilt plagues me because I have no idea how he feels when he endures my every sentiment. Hold tight to your convictions, our convictions, He suggests meekly with an offhanded shrug that seems too rehearsed and nonchalant a gesture to be his true feelings behind the matter. He doesn't fool me for a second.

This heart's not my possession; I know my fears and doubts control me. A confession, a statement, a glimpse into my soul, or an undeniable truth, it didn't matter how my demon viewed it as long as he understood the shaky grounds upon which we were standing.

Aggressive passive inhibitions. His apparent opinion on the matter was kinder than I'd been preparing myself to hear.

When all I know decays in vain and I am left alone again-

When all you measure turns to dust, do you run or do you stay? Once again I found myself marveling at how well he got me and at my uncanny ability to not misunderstand his few but enlightening words and vice versa.

I laugh before the indecision!

Is it so bad that you would shut me out? Again with the vulnerability that left me feeling edgy and on the brink of falling off that very thin edge upon which we stood, freely trading words and thoughts without reservations or caution.

And leave you here alone? I hoped that my less serious respond could take us back to less dangerous grounds, but no such wanted to continue on this path towards imminent destruction. Taking a deep breath, I gave in and gave him what he wanted, saying, When I gave up on myself again, you believed in me. I just can't do that to you. He cocked his head for a moment in thoughtful suspense and seemed satisfied by my answer.

Yes, I saw what you did. Again with the reminders of Isabella, didn't he get that I was trying to escape my thoughts of her? I was right there with you, I won't let you sink. More like he wouldn't let me forget, a bitter realization indeed.

It's like I'm spilling from an empty cup.

Love needs room to breathe… I raised a brow in disbelieve. Now he's the expert in matters of the heart and love?

That blatant tone of yours creates a searing blackness deep within my soul. Seething so profusely that I felt my body's physical trembles, I could no longer look at the demon in my view.

I have watched you grow; You bury guilt like sin, hurling smiles and judgments, He accused and I mockingly wondered who was truly doing the judging.

Bitterness trickles through that vein of tenderness.

And gives cause to stumble, it's sobering, the changes. I was irking him, I could tell by the unwavering blacker than black voided gaze he fixed on me. Good.

Don't try to lead, when you don't know. There was just no way I was backing down, I wasn't afraid of him. We both knew he needed me.

I've stood in your shadow, I've never walked away. Ah, that's going below the belt and right down to the guilt and pity party. Couldn't say I was buying it. However, I was learning a ton about myself and my shadowed mirror self.

Deep inside, I want to become brave and courageous, not someone buried in self-pity of my own, I admitted, open and honest, tiered of the run around and avoiding.

Ashamed and alone from all, that's been done to me. Of course he would have to try and best me at my own game and take the upper hand.

It's not my fault. What kind of game was this, the 'which Jasper is more fucked-up' pity party game? Please. I'm the original vintage, he's got nothing on me and I was trying to convey as much through my steely glower.

I remind myself, He finally sighed in defeat. Apparently he was finally tired of trying to gain the upper hand. It was a lost cause since the beginning anyway, he did both of us a favor.

You've never loved me. Color us surprised. I hadn't meant to blurt that out.

You've never even loved yourself! He argued heatedly, seemingly on edge, mortified, and downright embarrassed. I know I was. And now you treat me like a burden, just another object on your shelf, pushed aside until forgotten.

His voice broke at the very end in such a way that it made me hang my head in shame. He was right, though. I've never been able to come to terms with the fact that I am a demon and a monster with no chance for redemption or deserving of mercy and much less grace. He knew this because I knew it.

I don't know if I can take this, I admitted, telling the truth, for once, from the get go. He deserved the truth for once. I've been denying him my honesty for far too long now to continue being as shameless as to pretend to be oblivious.

Is there anyway you can forgive me for what I've done? He questions in earnest vulnerability. Is there anyway you could love me still, for being so... wrong.

I don't know how to love you, I sadly admit, but he seems to accept my honesty with grade and a little sadness of hope long lost. In time, I try to promise in an attempt to rekindle the embers of his dying hope. Slowly, I think it works.

I looked for that long forgotten love, until my luck ran out and then I saw your face… He was grasping at straws. I hated myself for putting him in that position. Tossing, turning, I feel blind being on the inside looking out. Such raw emotion that it grates on my nerves to see his pain and my pain reflected back at me in twin eyes of onyx, soulless eyes that showed more emotion than I expect mine ever did or ever would.

No matter what I've done, or is done to me, nothing's unforgivable, or unable to be set free. I wish I could set him free, set us free. I must have said something wrong because I feel a rift and an indisputable cold and growing distance separating us once again.

This pain that I carry's not my own, I'm ashamed and alone from all that's been done to you. His quiet whisper reached my ears moments after he had spoken, because he couldn't bear to look at me and say the words to my face, our face. But don't worry; it's not your fault. His impenetrable wall was back up again, I was running out of time.

I remind myself. My turn to use his words against him, I couldn't help it. I was fuming!

Can I even wait here anymore? He whispered dangerously low, almost a growl. When he did look up, it took all of my self-control not to take a step away from him. His eyes seemed to no longer look at me, just black merciless pupils that looked on forward, taking everything in but never truly seeing.

Wait one more hour, I pleaded, afraid to face my reality once more without mentally preparing myself or having him there to offer me some leeway.

Not sure if I'll see anything… I could tell he was bored of me already.

Another day of no end, shadows will hang over me, darkness, fading, grab it, kick it, smash it, and hold it, throw it, crave it in my search for solace.

These long nights are never kind, He seemed to agree. I'll endure it then,He promised, I'll wait an hour more.

It will be great to continue seeing you, now that the old wounds have mended,I admitted, surprised that I actually meant it. Never before had I wanted to willingly come face to face with my demon, the one I constantly saw as my enemy. Now, I was beginning to think that he just might be my most needed ally.

Before, I couldn't or just wouldn't allow myself to see where my demon was coming from, it took Bella leaving to see what he'd become, what he made me, and what we are. To see what I'd become, I had to look past all the things I'd done alongside him.

Though it is hard to forgive and even harder to forget, I was willing to see him for who he really was, an irrefutable and inimitable part of me that at times consumed me to the brink of unquenchable quests for blood games.

After a long pause in which he wouldn't even meet my eyes, his cogent eyes held my gaze steadily and then, to my utter surprise, he gave one precise nod of agreement. And was that respect I spied? Yes, an ally.

I promise I'll be waiting by the door, He vowed, unlike so many nights before.

I know that you're on the inside looking out for me. My tone was grateful and ingenuous, respectful even.

Good, He accepted, sounding smugly pleased. You know that I'm looking out for you as you wallow in self-pity, He actually teased, and there's no coming back for me.

I smiled. Every point of view has another angle and every angle has its merit. For the life of me I never could have guessed that the guy had a sense of humor, which deserved some merit.

And the restless soul is searching, wearing every shade of cynical. Same playful tone but I knew that there was an actual valuable lesson being told in such ominous and short wording. I spoke out of turn, and hurt you, but you I've learned that it hurts me back.

Is that why you saved me from the 'everything' I couldn't be? I wondered out loud without meaning to.

I can try to justify but it doesn't mean anything. He was practically evading the subject now, landmine territory.

I smirked. Because after everything is said and done, you still need me? I figured.

I feel so trapped instead, but trapped doesn't seem so bad, 'cause you are here, He admits, if a little begrudging, pouting and looking like if he could, he'd be blushing, and I along with him. You need me, I need you, and we need her, though she might not need us any longer. I don't know which one of us was more hurt by his words, him or I. The fact is, it stroke a resonating cord within us.

And do you ever feel that there is something missing? Besides Bella, of course, but that was beside the point now. Does the world seem gray with empty longing to you too?

There was a portentous pause before he conceded and nodded, saying, That's my point of view...

With that, my demon pushed me unceremoniously through the veil and back into awareness and the full throttle of our combined sorrows. For the time being, I was too shocked to be resentful. Later, that was another matter entirely.

oOo

How's a man to find his way north when he's been stripped of his compass and thrown in the middle of the ocean? How's he to warm himself when his fire has been long doused, extinguished to none existence by his own hand and the nights grow mercilessly cold night after night? Who has he to blame then, but himself?

I, Jasper Whitlock, had no one to blame but myself for my current state of mind, in spite of who I was trying to talk myself into blaming, I knew this much. Catatonic, it could at best be described as such, my present shape of mind. Currently I was trying to find a more befitting verb or adjective or something in any and all languages I knew, but I kept coming up short and drawing to a blank.

I had started out pacing, since the moment I got back after watching Bella disappear from my sight and into the distance to go rescue Edward. As soon as I'd realized she was gone, I'd wanted her back but had been unable to go after her and tell her not to go, or my reason for not wanting her to.

Literally, I was at war with myself. Now I was reduced to a ball, crouched in the corner of Bella's closed closet, doing nothing more than inhaling her scent and wishing. My mutters an incessant buzz in my ears that repeated the same thing over and over again in hopes that she would change her mind and come back as I stared straight ahead with unseeing eyes vacant.

As for my demon, he had hours ago checked out on me. What was the point when I wouldn't listen? I couldn't listen. Now, he wouldn't even deign me with as much as a scoff in my direction. He was beyond pissed and disappointed with me and I couldn't blame him. I was disappointed in myself and I sure was more than pissed at the turn of events I'd allowed to happen without putting a stop to it.

That asymmetrical curling sneer, I could perfectly visualize my demon showcasing in my mind's eye and it put me on edge. He clearly thought I was being pitiful and that I deserved this torment, even when if affected him because it had all been on me. Despite my blaming and cursing Edward's to the depths of Hell and back again so I could do it over and over, the truth was, I had no one else to blame but myself for Bella's departure. And I hated admitting it.

Smelling the air again in an attempt to inhale more of Bella from my surroundings, I smelled the night and listened intently as Charlie Swan found his daughter's hasty note and explanation for her sudden disappearance. I flinched as I felt his concern, worry, and anger sore and suffocate me. No more, no more… I pleaded in a silent whimper as I remained stoic in place, not even breathing.

And as if Chief Swan had heard my silent plea, the man ruled in his emotions and proceeded to make some calls. That was when I tuned out and a moment later found me jumping to the sound of Bella's bedroom door being open and then slammed closed.

Unsure if the Chief would come back into the room again, I remained exactly where I was squatting and curled into a hard, cold granite ball until my demon convinced me to lie down on her bed.

Pretend like it's just another night with nothing out of the norm, He whispered coyly into my entranced mind. Like nothing happened, like she's not gone- I refused to walk again, staying frozen mid step as my demon tried to convince me into motion once again. You owe me this, damn it! You were the one who let her go and I told you not to. Move. Now.

And so I did. Like a lifeless doll, I took three more steps and lay myself carefully over Bella's made-up bed. For a moment my breathing became labored as all around me, her perfume inundated us and I turned, burrowing my nose deeper into her pillows and feeling a sob trying to rip free through my parched throat.

I swallowed it and with the help of my demon talked myself into numbness as I closed my eyes and pretended to be human. For once, it was a necessary performance with no audience but my demon. Closing my eyes, I imagined that Bella was right next to me and instantly felt her warmth, her breath scorching my neck, and the weight of her weightless limbs carelessly cast over my chest as her feet tangled with mine.

As long as you don't open your eyes, you can keep up the illusion, My demon tried to convince me and I ultimately caved and believed him. Only because I had to if I wanted to keep my sanity intact. Just pretend until tomorrow. Then, we'll think of something else.

Okay.

Breath, Jasper, breathe.

I'm breathing.

Good.

Nothing's good without her here…

Focus, Jasper! He was growing impatient with me.

I'm focused, I promised, feeling dubious myself.

The demon sighed, slightly resigned before trying again, Just feel her around you and imagine her curves yielding and molding onto you…

I imagined… Yes? Yes?

Feel her lips, practically touching your neck, and so close to kissing you, like that one night.

Y-yes? Yes? My breathing was becoming labored now, it was working…

Sustain the image…

Sustaining…

Now, this is you sleeping… and we wait until the morning.

I'm sleeping, I agreed, thankful to be able to surrender to slumber and escape the reality of my mistake.

"Bella…" I sighed.

"Jasper," I heard her whisper back and for a moment I couldn't breathe, I couldn't move, and I couldn't dream. I could feel her and she was here with me… "Wake me up in the morning?" She requested and I couldn't deny her anything.

"Sure thing, Bella," I found myself answering breathlessly as a smile curved my previously frowning lips. "Sleep now," I bided, "Good night."

"Good night, Jasper…" She yawned and I smiled as she burrowed deeper onto my side, so warm and delicate.

Until tomorrow the dream will hold.

This isn't a dream any more…

oOo

A/N: Still technically short by my standards but, hey, it's a quicker update! The poem at the beginning of the story is "LAUS VENERIS" by A. C. Swinburne. It's a very long poem but I took bits and parts of it to suit the story. Well, that's it for this chapter. Let me know what you all think and drop me a review. The more reviews I get, the faster the chapters are out! Now, who can help me? I can't for the life of me recall how long did it take for Bella to come back from Italy… Anyone?