Formerly;
"Give me a reason," I tell her, surprising even myself in the process, "other than my promise, that is."
"What do you mean?" Bella questions and frowns slowly as she tries to read my expression. "What other reason can I possibly give you?"
She really doesn't know. I observe as I see the pain inundating her eyes at the ridiculous thought that there's nothing else she can say or do to keep me at her side.
"Kiss me," I whisper before I can rectify my brain to heart to mouth crossed wires.
Along with Bella's shock of surprise inundating my rationale, I gasp. "Wha–" Bella tries to ask but can't form the word.
That wasn't what I meant to say. I think sardonically. But now, even if I want to, I can't take the words back and I recklessly don't want to rectify my mistake. In fact, my feet have a mind of their own as they take me to her, ignoring my mind's cries of doing the complete opposite. "Kiss me, Isabella," I repeat, "and I'll stay."
…
…
Memoirs of Her Scent
–Chapter Thirty-One:
Bound to Her Lament
…
…Surrender…
…
...
The mind is its own place, and in itself
Can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven
–Paradise Lost
...
…
...
Last night, my mind took me to her and I dreamt of her.
Today, I don't know what to do with myself.
Perhaps, I don't wish to know or understand…
And last night, I finally understood and accepted that.
–Reflections by J. H. W.
…
...
...
Before today, I hadn't realized that I have never felt more afraid. According to yours and my heartbeats, I don't have much time left. You have to know that this is my last request. Stay and keep me company. Just a while longer, grant me the opportunity to pretend that you are mine.
And before I lose sight of my way, I want to look at you a moment longer and dream that my providence is by your side. Just this once, I want to imagine you are mine.
Give me a reason to stay, Isabella. I don't want your compassion. I want you to be with me, until I have to leave. Since there's not much time in our favor…
It used to be enough, but this time, I can't continue without having you by my side. Every moment that goes by and I think about you, I experience this yearning for your nearness, yet, I cannot forget that moment I first saw you.
Not knowing what to think, I sought to draw near you and got close. Unable to speak, I sensed you and, until today, I have not been able to escape. And it took so little for me to love you, so much, and it so happens that little by little, I began to capitulate...
Honestly, I never expected to surrender my love to you with just one glance. Getting lost in your love was something I never envisioned happening to me. But it did. It just happened, and I became yours wholeheartedly. How can I know and I understand what I feel?
Before I spend another moment with you, love, I want you to know –I want to tell you that, you are the love of my life. Before I care for you even more, please listen –allow me tell you everything. And there is no way to explain how, but less to doubt. That's just so I felt, whilst I saw you.
Regarding you, everything caught me by surprise... From the very start, I knew you were not meant to be mine. But it only took one instant, to penetrate your world… to aspire to be a permanent part of it. And without wanting to love you, I lost myself to your tenderness and gave you everything of myself.
Trying does not cost a thing, when you are the one facing me. Saying 'I love you' will not be something easy. It will just… happen. If not… will time know how to wait until I no longer love her, or learn how to keep on existing without her?
–Journal Entry #222 by J. H. W.
...
…
Mute palpitations echo a single lament, which resonates within the confines of my very soul, like the ghost of murmur, and takes root there. It whispers a single, arresting and fearsome declaration 'surrender,'it says.
…
...
…Surrender…
…
All my life, as a human fighting before my time for my country and later, through my decades of immortality with Maria while training her army of vampires to help her regain her territory, I enslaved myself; seeking and doing everything within my power for a chance at gaining my freedom.
Without realizing it, I had become a slave to the idea of freedom. Fleeting through life and immortality, unaware of when a day began, or where it ended, and morning gave birth to the next one. Always, for as long as I can remember,it has been this way. This is why, the very designof surrendering is so, well, terrifying to me.
But unknowingly, all of that changed the instant Bella appeared before me. When the depths of her chocolate eyes met mine, I woke. Before she appeared, I had not grasped just how far I had strayed from my ideals of "freedom," my desire to fly and kiss the sky.
And now that she'd appeared, I had no choice but to decide to land, stay on her grounds, and discover my faith in the illusion of her. Something within me had shifted then, like an earthquake taking over my body, and I was forced to look around and take notice of the damage and the pain, the lies and the neglect, and all that had been left unsaid, the neglected omissions.
Once my soul began to recognize the sound of Bella's voice, my heart went after her and stayed with her. Amid her calmness and my peace and my reason, I wake. In her gaze I journey, she lifts me up and somehow, I'm better a better man than I have ever been before her. Until today, I thought that freedom was something that could only be found somewhere else and by other means. And today, I discovered it within me.
Peering into the labyrinth of her love, there I find truth and within her, what I desire. Only with her, I can touch what I have been dreaming of for so long. For her, love, and because of her …and for her love. All of my life, I only wanted to be free, what an unexpected surprise it is to find this freedom within her. Being bound to Bella is freedom.
Until today, I hadn't realized or admitted, any of these revelations to myself and my soul recognizes her voice once again now that I have. Everything I'm feeling now is so unfamiliar and new, and all I know with absolute certainty is that I need and want Isabella Swan at my side, for eternity, as selfish as that might be.
Do not abandon me, Isabella. My eyes earnestly beseech hers with my plea. Don't tell me it isn't up to you but destiny, like Alice would… Do not make me realize that, although I love you, I have to choose another path. I cannot bear it! What I want can only be attained within you…
…
Besides, what is the purpose of treading through an eternity without her?
What good is there in existing, if I do not get to exist alongside her?
What use is hope, when it is the last thing that dies and I've already lost it without Bella?
What good is there in existing?
Bella is the only one I will ever ask to be with, following in the wake of her tenderness.
No matter how much I beg her not to leave me,
There's no doubt in me, she will soon leave me without the alchemy of her scent…
Taking with her, her viral virtual kisses and this mute heart.
…
Like a whisper that grows with intensity and becomes a shrilling wail in my ears, enlivening the night and its encompassing shadows, Bella's heartbeat hammers a rhythm void of lyrics and melancholic that matches my overflowing feelings and desire for her. Hastily the dispersing shadows swish and flick along and within the forest crawling, retracting, and contracting like a living organism or an ominous pulse to a groaning heart, giving life to the whispering forest around us.
Time… ephemeral and merciless as ever, momentarily halts the swishing pendulum from doing its thing and ticking the seconds away, depriving me of this breathtaking moment that I have so unceremoniously thrust upon Bella and myself. Only my mind races as the sands of time decide to no longer account their lapse by pulsing with the seconds to the minutes and the minutes to the hour, prolonging the moment of truth.
And then, eerily, everything around us physically halts and impulsively arrives to a standstill. Even the air is holding its breath. The leaves around us quiet their rustling mumbles and whispers shrewdly and like I, stills, awaiting with strained anticipation what happens next.
Meanwhile, Bella and I, consumed in this timeless instant, gauge each other uncertainly, almost wryly. Waiting… All that can be heard are our shallow, quickening breaths and the mounting trepidation of anticipation. Fear, consuming in its wake, burns a shiver up my spine and I take a cautious but quivering breath. In and out… Out and in… Rinse and repeat.
My mouth opens and closes several times, urging me to say anything and break the silence but my multitude of uncertainties and regret renders me voiceless in the presence of the woman I love. The woman I might as well have chased away in the throes of my desperation to possess her. A strangled cry contained by Bella's throat ensnares and dies, before it can echo and tear through the darkness, in the same shallow breath and heartbeat.
Lethargically, Bella shakes her head in rejection and she attempts to take a step away from me and put some distance as her left foot stretches out behind her. And, again, I fear. However, Bella takes one glace at me and frowns deeply as her resolve spikes, incensing her eyes, and bringing her left foot adjacent to her right foot, she clasps her feet back together stubbornly.
An internal plea ebbs through me and grows, transcends, overwhelmingly leaving me with a wistful yearning to know what Isabella is feeling or thinking at this very moment… Not knowing is so disorienting and unbalancing, I acknowledge, like trying to talk underwater and going deaf, your own voice is something separate and disembodied.
For the first time, I hate the depravity of something I've loathed possessing for as long as I have walked this earth as one of the condemned. But right now, I'm desperately wishing and reaching to get attuned with my so-called gift once again. If only to have inklinginto what might be in going on within Isabella's heart of hearts and train of thoughts.
Afraid to know, afraid to give up, and afraid of not knowing doing so, I take a calculated and languid nonthreatening step closer to Bella. Seeing my actions, Bella's eyes widen with alarm. I pause. She remains paralyzed, and her cheeks swill out furiously, while her breathing hitches and then, leaves her in a heated rush.
Liking my lips and surreptitiously inhaling her in, instantly, I savor the air inebriated by her scent and in chain response, my throat methodically inflames. Staggered and uncertain, I continue to pause, gauging what to do given Bella's reaction. After a moment, I take another hesitant step forth, testing my control and keeping a wary eye on Bella.
Bella cranes her neck back slightly to keep me in sight and shifts, most of her weight in an awkward inclination away from me, balancing on the heels of her feet. All the while, her blood is quickening with my proximity, luring, singing deafeningly with adrenaline, and beckoning the salivating monster as it stirs, welcoming the compelling invite.
…
Such a lovely and appetizing rush…
It purrs.
…
Fearing for her life and the threat I present, I wait to grasp at better control and take calculated breaths of her intoxicating scent in shallow, quick bursts to quell my demon's demands for her blood.
Though, on the inside, I am pleading with her, telling her through wretched screams to run as far as her stumbling feet might take her and hide from my demon, she doesn't. Amazingly, though she should, Bella doesn't even recoil with fear, or run away screaming the moment my hunger is made known to her and I'm glad, and this gives me some semblance of unmerited hope.
…
Hope is good… makes the chase memorable.
The demon croons mockingly as it licks its lips, tasting Bella's scent and my control over it, trying to break free and be the one calling the shots. Itshead falls backward, balancing between itsshoulder blades, and itseyes roll to the back of itshead with a groan of hungry pleasure.
Can you see it, her blood…
Thick, lethargic and quick, visible,
Running through that thin membrane of breakable skin,
Calling, alluring and compelling?
My demon practically hums and sighs distractedly, almost distracting me as I take in what it sees.
Can't we bite into her now?
Not now…
I plea with it and my voice turns hoarse from my efforts.
…
Struggling to tear my gaze and look away from Bella's tempting jugular as it writhes and trembles with the surge of her blood running in her veins under my watchful eyes, my breathing shallows and my demon temptingly reasons that a taste of her blood might actually quench our thirst. Blinking, I feel my lids flutter to the beat of Bella's heartbeat as I try to blink away the image of her blood's offering behind crimson lids.
Even so, all my eyes can focus on is that prominent vein… As if it were a crooning finger, beckoning in my direction and asking for my teeth to sink, rip and tear through the delicate ivory skin, taste, and devour the liquid of life it so temptingly parades before my appreciative eyes…
Suddenly remembering I actually love the one for whom we thirst, I manage to distance myself from the thought and mentally shake my head in horror.
…
Soon?
It asks hopefully, smugly following my train of thought. It stares at me speculative and seems to go deep in thought, trying to understand the reasoning behind my depriving it of its wants and needs.
Never. This is Bella we are talking about here and I love her.
I explain sullenly. A jolt and shudder runs through my demon at my words and an unfurling and blossoming awareness awakes from within it, filled with a recognition I did not think it capable of possessing.
Bella?
It asks, murmuring her name with a tentative caress that puzzles it. My demon frowns and repeats her name in an almost reverent whisper, as if hearing and tasting her name on its tongue for the first time and it liked the sound nearly as much as it did the sound of rushing blood in the veins.
Bella… Isabella.
I agree, probing and cautious.
Isabella…
Uncertainly, itbreathes her name and nods. Marveling as to why the name feels so familiar and above all, why the name resonates within itwith a sense of apprehension and thrill, also wondering the reason behind the endearment it feels her name invokes.
The one I love, need, and want…
Love…?
My demon visibly swallows and my eyes widen. A slow and tentative smile distorts its face unexpectedly as it once again mumbles her name.
Isabella…
Only this time, the reverence is palpable and undeniable, its voice giddy with apparent fondness.
Our Isabella?
It hopes tentatively and disturbingly looks at me through the eyes of a petulant child, taking me aback.
Not yet.
I admit and it snarls with displeasure.
But that's what I'm aiming for.
Hastening, I accent. It stirs again, curious and contemplative.
So, please, do make an effort. I –we– need to keep her alive.
But she smells so… delectable and sublime.
It points out, frowns, pouting slightly with displeasure, and practically bemoans.
Just imagine how she'll taste when her life flows across your tongue...
Like silkily rivulets caressing down the length of our parched throat,
And finally, soothing and satisfying the conflagration of our thirst!
…
Seeing every scenario it seductively whispers with vivid imagery, I groan. It is almost too much and too tempting, the idea. This will not do, I mentally chastise myself and shake my head. Trying to rid it of all the images of a broken and bleeding Bella in my arms, with the light in her eyes dimming as her life flees her with every taste my demon and I savor of her blood.
…
Do you want to possess her, or not?
I argue through gritted teeth.
Possess! Posses!
It practically moans and purrs eagerly.
...
Different scenarios of how it desires to posses Bella unraveling before us instantly. The notion of possessing Bella much too tempting for its ego –an idea that it had clearly not envisioned or even thought possible before now. And now that it is a possibility, it cannot imagine doing it any other way… for now.
...
Then it would be best for her to be kept alive.
I point out sagely.
My demon hums, seeing my point and looking bashful as we sneeringly and possessively think, together:
She must be kept alive, my sublime Isabella.
…
…
...
Tentatively and not daring to breathe, I swallow the lump in my throat, my heart I think, and lift my left hand unsteady with hesitation. Watching Bella, I stare into her wide, uncertain eyes for any sign of fear or revulsion within her coffee depths and listen to her labored breathing...
As her eyes meet my own, which are dark and dilated with a silently plea in their depths, I breathe out shakily, deliberately and ever so gradually, I reach for her affection. When my knuckles, gentle and unsure, make contact with her smothering skin, caressing, basking,and imploring trust, my breath catches.
Bella's pupils dilate at the contact and her cheeks flush a delicate pink and I feel my eyes going blown out onyx as my own pupils dilate further to take in the full effect my touch might have over her, while my nose flares and I inhale her in cautiously. Exuberant with the effect my touch has on her, I relax into the touch and my disposition ebbs tenderness.
Unable to stop its self my demon groans with want and need, rattling the bars of its cage and straining against its restraining manacles while attempting to get set free as I continue the sweet torture of inhaling her toxin scent greedily. With great difficulty I ignore my demon and my eyes stray away from Bella's before she can meet mine or else, I'm afraid, she might find me out.
Instead, I focus my gaze and interest at the point where my knuckles and her cheek connect, and stare, awed. Bella is so warm and soft… I marvel, finding rapture in the singular and familiar sensation of touch and her emanating warmth and I swallow thickly, while my demon becomes temporarily docile with its mirroring awe.
Seeking to extract and feel more of Bella's inviting warmth, I allow my knuckles to unhurriedly travel the curve of her left cheek to the apex of her lower jaw with one smooth and tantalizing sweep, forcing myself to halt there. She's instantly responsive, quivering in the wake of my breezy caress and my demon purrs in appreciation while she flushes a darker shade pink. Drinking in the sight of Isabella trembling under my touch and the sensation of her warmth against the coolness of my skin spreading from her to me, I grow slightly bold and more confident.
Slowly, I begin to uncoil my curled fingers, until I am cradling the opposite right cheek of her face with my palm and my fingers find a way to get tangled in her wayward tresses. Bella leans into my touch with closed eyes, all her uncertainties and reservations dissipating for the time being as she surrenders to my affection.
Trust. Isabella trusts me, a vampire. It is my turn to shiver and quiver with the overwhelming fear her trust invokes from within, along with the accompanying thrill and joy that only she can give me. I feel alive. Everything within me is a juxtaposition of warring and paradoxical emotions. Nothing makes sense… But this is the very moment something within me shifts and I can no longer resist.
Bella swallows with alarm and anxiety brimming in the shadows of her dark coffee eyes, breathing shallowly and rapidly as she waits. Still, she remains silent, unmoving, and, though I no longer feel her as being fully trusting, she is unafraid. Her stance is almost resigned and rueful, waiting. Swallowing thickly, I follow suit and my breathing matches hers and the tempo of her heartbeats.
With the tip of my thumb, I tilt Bella's chin up to have a better look into her eyes, she allows it and gazes steadily into mine as her alarm progressively ebbs away to extinction. Impassive, my eyes seek for answers in the depths of Bella's dark, doe eyes that are not forthcoming, quickly roving and scanning her face for a hint of a wayward answer that still refuses to surface.
Sighing with resignation and disappointment, my breath fans over Bella's face and she shivers at the coolness, rubbing her hands over her arms to stop her skin from turning into gooseflesh. With the involuntary movement, Bella's tresses tumble over her shoulders, cascading down her rigid back and revealing more of the long column of her elegant neck and impassive face, for once.
Bella's ivory visage is cast in moving shadows that fleet behind her eyes as she visibly forces herself to relax and releases the frown creasing her features in reaction to my probing gaze. But the shadows do not hinder my eyesight. If anything, it feels like I'm finally able to really have a look at Bella and see her for who she is, for the first time.
...
"Thirty-three heartbeats," I mumble, mouth barely moving and much too quickly for Bella to notice. That is how much time has passed.
Thirty-four… Thirty-five… Thirty-six…
Forty… Bella blinks and her eyes flutter open on the mark and they illuminate from within, iridescent.
It is time…
Once again, my plea filters through my mind unbidden and I allow it to take over my impassiveness and let it show and flow from behind fathomless black eyes, so that Bella can see and feel my honesty, while my demon joins in.
...
...
Though the timing is Untimely
Kiss me
In silence and mercilessly
Encumber time
Bésame
And beam this growing feeling
Kiss me
As if the world were to end soon after
Bésame
And kiss by kiss, turn the sky on its end
Kiss me
Because it's what the heart implores, without justifications
Bésame…
While I dieslowly on the inside
Feel mein the wind
Kiss me
Without motives
And this time
Yours through eternity
Kiss me
Just like that, mercilessly
Stay in me, unconditionally
Just give me an incentive and I'll stay.
And I'll stay.
And I'll stay.
And I'll stay.
…
...
Waiting… and waiting… and waiting…
Moments of a second later…
Exactly, ten tremulous heartbeats
That's all it takes…
That's all it is–was.
But in that instant, it feels like so much has happened,
When nothing really has…
Except, I still love her.
Until the earth stops whirling,
My love for Isabella Swan will continue to grow and expand.
…
...
...
Delimited in the muteness and the nerve-wracking wait, I can hear my equally taciturn heartbeats loudly shout her name –Isabella. And for a moment, if I strain my ears just enough, I can pretend and listen to her heartbeats stridently outcry the lyrical sound of my name, instead.
Thu-thump-Jasper…
Thu-thump-Jasper…
Thu-thump-Jasper…
Thu-thump-Jasper…
Thu-thump-Jasper…
Jasper… Thu-thump
Jasper… Thu-thump
Jasper… Thu-thump
Jasper… Thu-thump
Jasper… Thu-thump
Jasper… Thu-thump
…
How can such a sweet sound be so condemning?
Like an unstoppable countdown,
Reciting the perilous seconds leading to a bomb's detonating.
Now, her existence is void
And I have nowhere to go…
…
Everything changed: black and white morphed into colors
As she steals my heart with a single smile, it happens
Now, it's as if I'm in a waking dream
Imagining her caresses and kisses
...
...
Sweet love, sweeter scent
Can't you see that I'm bound in chains?
Trapped in her love
I've opened up, unsure I can trust
My heart and I are buried in dust.
Free me –free us.
She's all I need, when I'm holding her tight
If she walks away, I will suffer tonight
I found a girl I can trust
And girl, I believe in you there's an "us"
For the first time, I am terrified of love
Can you see that I'm bound in chains?
I've finally found my way
I am bound to her
Sweet scent, so pure
With just one beating heart, I catch my breath
A drumming beat that calls my name
And I embrace myself
Please don't tear this apart, I silently beg of her.
Suddenly the moment's here
And I embrace my fears,
All that I have been carrying all these years
Do I risk it all? Come this far just to fall?
Fall…
I can trust and girl, I believe there could be an "us"
And finally found my way
I am bound to you
…
...
...
"What about Alice, Jasper?" Bella finally asks in a calm whisper that catches at Alice's name and fades a wash as she utters my name, interrupting my rueful musings. The woods reach out with their shadows, crowding us and bending to hear the hush of our conversation. Disorienting…
Mournfully, I take a moment to steady my growing nervousness and close my eyes. The moment is here and all it took was eighty-two heartbeats to get to the climax. With a tremor running electrifyingly through my body, during the period of two steady palpitations, and I momentarily focus on the effects Bella's voice awakens within me.
My eyes flash open again and I fix Bella with a remorseful smile, which she doesn't return as she waits for my response. I wonder… will she understand that though I might walk away and ask her to do the same, I don't want to? That, in fact, I don't intend to? Will she know that I now adhere to this existence, for her?
All too soon, I can hear time pick up again, right where it left off, and gain momentum as the trees moan and creak, resuming their whispers and murmurs eagerly. Its pendulum marked tick for tick by the thuds of Bella's languid, steady heartbeats as she inhales deeply and relaxes noticeably before my eyes. Somewhere flocks of crows caw angrily and take flight, but everything feels too distant and disjointed.
Disorienting… I sigh despondent. It's time…
Gazing steadily into Bella's eyes, I query, "What about Alice?"
Bella looks taken aback by my passiveness and frowns, chewing thoughtfully on her bottom lip. "She is my friend." Bella pauses, beseeching with scrutinizing eyes. "And your… wife," she finally whispers and there is an undertone to her voice that tells me that the word "wife" feels foreign and troubling on her tongue.
…
No…. no, no, no… Fix this, fix it!
…
I inhale sharply, something between a hiss and a snarl. For some reason, hearing Bella refer to Alice as my wife leaves a bitter taste on my tongue and it tugs achingly at my heart. It hurts. And for an absurd moment I feel as if Alice is a dirty little secret that I've been trying to keep Bella from finding out about for as long as possible, but I've been prematurely found out and she's confronting me about it.
"No." I shake my head and smirk sardonically. If Alice being my wife is her only reservation, then there's no problem in that end…
…
Though, that is not the only problem… and we both know that.
…
"No? I don't… understand," Bella mumbles slowly and frowns once more, studying my face.
"No, Alice is not my wife," I explain. And upon seeing Bella's frown deepen, I decide it's best to elaborate. "Alice and have always agreed on marrying after high school or college, every time we start over. Therefore, that nulls our marriage at the moment, both legally and between the two of us." Biding for time, I sigh, thinking of something else to add when I remember something else vital. "I just got a new marriage license delivered to me in person from my lawyers office the day you–" I pause and swallow thickly, stealing myself against the awful memory that assaults me, and proceed to whisper, "left."
Not that that has ever stopped me from claiming her as such over our years together, I think bitterly but do not add.
Bella flinches at my inadvertent reminder. "Oh…"
"So if that's your only argument…," I shrug, and trail off suggestively, managing to curve a corner of my mouth into something resembling a smile.
Bella's eyes widen. "I– I don't," she stutters, flushing.
"You might attempt to kiss me and give me a reason for staying now." My grin is cocky and blatant as I say this, causing Bella to flush some more. Impulsively, I take another few steps, and that brings me closer still to Bella, and I lean forward, towering over her smaller frame.
"Please…" Without warning, Bella's overheated palm raises and she places it flatly between us. Right on my chest and just over my heart, and effectively halts my advances. "Please, Jasper…" Bella repeats, looking pleadingly into my eyes. "This isn't right… or fair…"
But, though I try to process her words and stay in the here and now, Bella's touch does unexpected things to my now whirling mind and body. The sensation of her palm over my heart has me in rapture and I become a prisoner to warmth as she, almost literally,holds my heart in the palm of her hand.
…
In that shifting instant, my active imagination takes over for a moment and suddenly, I'm Icarus –I have escaped Cretes. Alice's intricately woven penitentiary of unsaid truths and omissions and I am flying,soaring across the sky of endless blue. Airborne for the first time, I am elated by the feeling of freedom and sore higher still, trying to get closer and closer to that inviting warmth that calls out to me from above –the Sun.
Only, a moment too late, I realize that I have been ignoring all of the warnings and the consequences of this dire mistake are grave. I have flown too close to the sun's burning ball of fire and now, the gossamer wings that are strapped to my back with nothing but wax are melting away from me. The wax quickly traverses down my back like thick rivulets of sweat and just as abruptly, I'm falling.
Unable to focus on anything in particular, all I can make out is a blur of whirling ground, sky, and sea, while the ground below is fast approaching to meet my descent and feel each tear of my ruffled feathers as they begin to rip with the vicious force of the wind of my perilous descent. Now, commiserated to the wind and its vacillating whims, I am a prisoner of the sky and suspended in its merciless vastness of endless blue.
Only, as I prepare for impact and to break the surface of something cold, dragging and enveloping, do I comprehend that I am drowning in the depths of a sea that weighs and oppresses, ensnaring. After a moment, breathing burns… worse than the scorching flames in my throat and there's not a sound as I scream for help, though my mouth opens and my jaw dislocates, and I keep on falling…
There is no help… I am drowning…
…
Just like that, I realize that conquering Bella's heart is as difficult as men's first attempts at conquering the sky with inadequate equipment –prone to absolute failure. If it weren't for the fact that Bella and I love in the same manner, I would think that she's a glutton for misery. Because, it is obvious, the object of my affection is, still, too caught up lamenting over Edward and the pain that he keeps inflicting with his uncertainties and mercurial ways.
Anguish washes over me at the thought and my thoughts spiral to a darker place. Still, I understand… because I love Bella despite the fact that she's still in love with Edward and despite her uncertainties and mercurial ways. The oppression of my whirling thoughts wounds and tightens around my lifeless heart and constricts, submerging me into a sea of darkness.
Bella's breathless gasp and shivering body alerts me to the realization that my chilling emotions of certain defeat are whirling out of my control and I am projecting. With some effort, I pull back all of my feelings into me and focus on wearing them like a shroud over my taut limbs, coiled with the anticipation for rejection.
"Forget it, Bella…" I say dismissively after clearing my throat, hiding my pain with a mask of crumbling impassiveness. "It's all a great joke." Otherwise, rejection would have followed and I don't think I could bear to hear the words directly from her mouth. "Really, Bella," I tease, "I thought you would have better sense than that by now." I swallow thickly. "It should be obvious to you how poor my sense of humor is, honestly…"
"But– I," she flushes and I cut her off.
"Do you really trust me so little, Isabella?" I ask contritely. "Think so little of me?"
"No!" Her eyes widen, frantic. "I–"
"Did you honestly think I'd leave without saying my final farewell?" This time, my question sounds like a bitter tasting plea and I close my eyes as Bella bites her bottom lip, gathering all the blood there, and touch my forehead to hers, trembling.
"I don't know," she admits, her whisper small.
"Have all my efforts to earn your trust been for nothing?" I ask after exhaling a shuddering breath, my voice cracking with emotion. "Have I proved you nothing while being at your side?" Staring into her eyes, beseeching, I wonder, "Did you not forgive me?"
"I– It's not like that…" She hesitates and I can feel the warmth of her breath and the sear of her lips brushing over my heart, a scorching torture, as she tucks her head under my chin and proceeds to rest her forehead against my left shoulder to escape my gaze. "Edward…" she continues with a tremulous whisper, "he –I didn't mean– but he made me remember…"
At her words, I stagger back; they are like poison directly injected into my veins, slowly tearing me apart from the inside and showing none of the side effects outwardly. Shaking my head at her, I swallow convulsively as my heart breaks in half and fractures into fragments. This time, it is Bella reaching and taking a step in my direction, countering for every step I take away from her. For the first time, I don't crave her nearness.
"I'm not him," I hiss out with effort and a suppressed shiver sends a tremor that rattles the shattered pieces of my heart and crumbles my foundations. But that doesn't deter her; it only causes her tears to fall and her efforts to double, and she becomes that much more inebriated on her feet.
"I know," she whispers, as if it were a promise.
"I came back!" I shout because the pain I'm feeling is so confusing and deafening that I cannot hear myself. "And when you left looking for him," she flinches, tears falling and my triumph manifests into a cruel, mocking jeer, "I stayed and waited!"
"I know that!" Bella assures me hysterically, matching my volume, her entire frame quacking as her fingers curl onto the lapels of my shirt, fisting them pleadingly, and anchoring me to her or her to me, I don't know… But my own hands remain at my side so that I don't accidentally crush her shoulders while attempting to shake the words I need to hear out of her. "Don't you think I realize that?" she says more calmly.
"Then what do I have to do," I snarl, "to prove to you that you can trust me?!" I'm exasperated and my control is spiraling and slipping from my grasp… Too surreal and disorienting… "Is there another arbitrary test I must fulfill," I ask sarcastically, "in order to get you to forget?!"
"Would you just shut up, Jasper, and let me speak!" She bellows, equally frustrated and angrily wipes at her tears. "Jasper, listen to me." Stunned, I do as she says and wait, ready to listen. "I know that I can trust you but–"
Bella cuts herself off abruptly as her tears keep on falling and staining my shirt with her sorrow, and the evidence of my dry lament.
"'But' what?!" I beg and push, impatiently, unable to take the silence. My voice startles Bella enough to cause her heart to skip a beat. Whipping her head up to stare directly into my eye, she looks at me through her tears and her eyes become angry slits as her bitterness hits me square in the chest.
"After a year of being together with him," she scowls and swallows, continuing, "I couldn't stop him from leaving…"
Who's to say I can stop you? Is what she cannot bring to herself to say out loud, I realize.
"Bella," I sigh, resigned, but her name still comes out like a soft caress. "We've been over this several times, I know you are only human." Bella blinks at me, cheeks flushed pink-red with the tint of her anger and swirls of shame. "But how can you be so blatantly blind?" I shake my head, disappointed and feeling stranded. However, trapped doesn't seem so bad, because she's here and near…
"Sorry for being 'only human'…" she mutters, staring me square in the eyes with her own narrowed again. Smirking without a trace of humor, I welcome the onslaught of Bella's sudden irritation and aggravation.
"Why is it that you don't value yourself more?" It's a rhetorical question that I didn't mean to ask out loud but as soon as it is out, Bella stiffens in my arms. "Give yourself more credit?"
"Look at you and then look at me," she offers, pointing ambivalently between the two of us. Trust me when I say I've done plenty of looking…
I frown. "Bella…" I say softly and curling a finger around her chin, I tilt her head upwards until her eyes meet mine unwillingly.
"What now?" She grimaces at the hoarse sound of her defensive tone and I smile reassuringly. She relaxes but her eyes remain wary.
"I have watched you sit alone and I have watched you cry your eyes out for far too long, Bella," I express, choosing my words carefully. "Do you honestly believe I would have the heart to shut you out and leave you here alone?"
"I don't know…" she shrugs, trailing off and looking away, does not meet my eyes as she adds, "Edward did, even after everything we overcame. None of it mattered."
"Edward is a damned Yankee and he doesn't know what he's been missing out on," I growl savagely and Bella's eyes dart to mine with evident alarm, but no fear.
"You really think so?" she asks demurely. I nod. Slowly, a trace of a curve and an inane sense of gratefulness relax her mouth into an easy smile, despite the evidence of her tears.
"Bella, I'm right here with you, I'm not Edward. Don't I keep telling you that?"
She chuckles, a rueful smile on her mouth. "So you keep saying."
"I won't let you sink again…" I promise, "Do you understand?"
"Yes." Her immense relief warms and envelops me, welcoming. "I've felt so trapped, instead, ever since Edward came back," she confesses and frowns. Looking up at me, Bella's eyes dance between mine as she searches for something and finding it, she nods, coyly adding, "But trapped doesn't seem so bad when you're near."
Gasping quietly at her words, I stare at her and my breath hitches as she blushes delicately. Once again, Bella and I are thinking alike. But I can't even think to hope that there's more to her words than that, an equal sharing of opinion. "I know what you mean," I mutter darkly and watch her intently for any signs that might tell me that I'm not the only one who feels for her, and that maybe, she feels something other than comradeship for me.
"Jasper, I can't seem to do anything without you anymore," Bella murmurs while blushing a lovely pink and glancing timidly at me, seeming slightly on edge by her own admission.
"That's –that's not true, Bella." I hold my breath, maybe, if I don't breathe, it'll be okay for me to hold hope...
She scoffs. "You have given me the strength and courage to do just about anything, and you saved me from, well, everything, Jasper… so, if you were to leave…" she swallows convulsively at the idea.
"I won't," I vow and I trust myself enough now to wrap my arms around her gingerly, comforting her the best I can, but I don't think she hears me. Bella seems momentarily disconnected from her surroundings, but accepts my comfort, drawing me in and hugs me back.
"And I can try to justify this selfishness…" she continues, her voice muffled by my shoulder. "But it won't mean anything without you here with me." Afraid to hope, I hold her tighter, hoping to convey my silent promise. However, Bella pulls back from me, not unkindly but enough to look into my eyes pleadingly and whisper, "'Cause after all's been said and done, Jasper, I still need you, here, with me…"
"You don't need to justify anything to me, Bella…" Tentatively my hands squeeze either side of her hips reassuringly as I pull her closer again and my fingertips graze a silver of her warm skin by accident, making her shudder from their coolness.
"Are you sure this is okay, my asking you to stay?" She worries. "Am being too selfish, aren't I?" she asks, her questions turning frantic, "What about the rest of the fam– and, oh, Alice–"
"I am yours." My heart is yours. I smile gently, interrupting her rant with my double intender. "Because I'm not going anywhere…"
Bella relaxes mildly, sighs content, and smiles a broad smile that reaches her eyes. "Really?"
"I can promise you that." Not even Edward will keep me from fulfilling my promise, I add mentally. "Never be afraid to count on me." Unable to resist, I kiss her forehead. "I'll be here."
"I am afraid, Jasper…" And I feel Bella's fear as soon as her whisper is stolen by the wind. "How can't I be?"
"But you are not alone…" Again, it is a promise, and I hold her tightly while she leans against me, welcoming the support of my nearness and the comfort of my touch. "There will be an ending to your fear," I assure her. I feel her doubt and a silent question. Trailing a hand to Bella's thread-like strands, I comb my fingers through her tangle of mahogany hair absentmindedly as I allot her time to think.
"True…" she finally utters. "But, Jasper, I really hope you're right." Bella looks up at me in earnest. "Right now, I just feel so raw and tired of being afraid." Frowning, she looks away and sighing, rests her head on my left shoulder. "So tired…"
"I understand. And I won't lie to you either." Inhaling deeply, I bid for time and exhale shakily before having the courage to continue. "Healing comes so painfully, Bella, and it chills to the bone," I explain and feeling her attentiveness and dread, I hold her at arm's length and stare into her dark eyes. "But eventually," I say with an encouraging smile in place, "you get there, and not everything seems as gray and bleak as before."
"That sounds promising," Bella mumbles with bleak sarcasm, a dark chuckle escaping her lips.
"But along the way…" Ignoring her comment, I press on and continue, "There will be days when you'll wonder, 'will anyone get close to me?' and–"
"Will they…?" So she has been wondering that… "And really, Jasper, if this is supposed to be making me feel better–" Putting a shushing finger to her lips, I stop Bella mid rant.
"Yes." I smile sardonically at her. "Bella, as I'm sure you know, I'm damaged goods, in every sense of the word," I inform her and upon her fervent protest, I shake my head. "But that's okay." Bella pouts in silent disagreement. Indulgently, I smile. "It is who I am, Bella."
"What I'm trying to say is…" Bella rolls her eyes at me and shakes her head at my persistence, "You are here, right?"
"Yes…" Bella answers uncertainly and fidgets in my arms, wondering where I am going with this. Placing both palms on my chest, she draws back slightly and meets my eyes but remains in my arms, gauging me.
"You got close to me, Bella, didn't you?" Though skeptical as to where this new line of questioning might lead, Bella nods in agreement. "See? And you're still here." I smile appreciatively at her.
Momentarily, Bella's eyes grow unfocused before she closes them and then opens them again, once again focused on me and unwavering. "Still, I don't see you like that," Bella says and I feel her reluctant acceptance and smile at her display of meekness.
"I assure you, you'll never meet a vampire more damaged than I," I explain.
"Again with that?" Bella pouts, not saying anything else and still not agreeing with my views of myself.
"But lately, there's been this insufferable human telling me that she sees art behind my scars…" I smile fondly at her and she practically bristles. "I'm beginning to think she might not be so delusional."
"Of course I'm not," she mumbles and I chuckle.
"No, you are not," I agree. "I assure you, Bella, just like you got close to me, someone will get close to you…" Bella blushes and I can't resist the urge to reach out and admire the ruddiness with my fingertips, so I do. "There's still much of you that's yet to be discovered, I assure you." My voice is but a whisper that the wind almost carries away before it can reach Bella's ears. "Plenty that's not damaged good."
"Again, why is it that you still believe in me, Jasper, even when I'm about to give up on myself?" Bella asks in a fearful whisper and looks away from me, unable to meet my eyes.
…
Because I love you, you silly woman, that's why…
…
"Do you really want the answer to that?" I ask ironically. Don't say I didn't give you fair warning, now.
"Only if you promise me that no matter where I go, I'll still have your hand to hold… and there's nothing to lose," Bella mumbles quietly.
…
Oh, but what could be worse than me losing you...?
Clearly, the irony is not lost on me.
What would I do, without you... here?
…
"I promise…" I pledge, elated by the thought and the promises of that future that has yet to be written, but I can clearly see unfold before my very eyes. "However, there's still much to lose."
"Then," Bella hesitates, mulling it over and deciding to be brave, whispers, "yes…"
"How about that kiss first?" I ask innocently, mischief written plaintively all over my face, though it is clear I'm stalling and we both know it.
"Jasper!" Bella chides, blushing furiously as he heart skips a few beats and speeds along. I smirk. It was worth another try.
I snort. "Now, Isabella Swan," I admonish, wagging my index finger at her, "where is that mind of yours spinning to?"
She gapes at me, flabbergasted, and I smirk and chuckle, wishing I had a camera on me right now. Her face is that priceless, Kodak moment and all that. "No where!" she refutes and I chuckle, much to her chagrin.
Innocently, I point less than an inch away from the corner of my mouth and add, "I was thinking about a kiss just about right here…" Again, Bella gapes and this time, I can't help it and full out chortle.
"Oh," she groans, mortified, "just shut up!" I don't. Bella pouts and narrows her eyes in mock disdain, but a little suspicious. "I thought you said you were terrible at humor," she points out bitterly, crossing her arms over her chest and effectively bringing my attention to their suppleness…
Uh… yeah, nope, it's not like I'm anything short of distracted…
I clear my throat, looking back up into her eyes before I embarrass myself. "Well, this had nothing to do with humor," I point out, "you're just easily… duped."
Bella scowls and then starts giggling.
I stare at her. She laughs harder. "What?" I finally ask, scowling mockingly.
She giggles. "Did you just actually use the word 'duped'?"
Amused and a little embarrassed, I smirk. "What if I did?"
"I didn't know big, bad vampires had that in their vocabulary, it's all," Bella struggles to stream her sentence through her giggles.
Pretending to look appalled, I say, "You offend me, human!" She giggles. I raise a brow at her. "Since I am a vampire, I happen to have great vocabulary." To my amusement, that sends her in another bout of giggles.
"Sorry," she finally breathes as her laughter dies down, not looking sorry at all. I snort, showing her that I am unconvinced. Bella rolls her eyes at me. I pout. "Well, how about that kiss then?" she asks. My mind goes blank. "Will that be apology enough for the lowly human to be forgiven after laughing at the mighty vampire?"
What happens next, happens without much warning than that. Using my forearms for balance support, Bella braces herself, and standing on her tiptoes, leans forward, freezing my brain to mouth to heart cross wire functions and kisses the corner of my mouth I'd previously pointed to with her too sizzling lips, blushing.
"B–Bella," I stutter, forgetting how to speak. Bella blushes further but smirks in triumph as I continue to find further speech difficult.
How can it be possible that warm on cold paralyzes? Fleetingly, I wonder as the realization sinks in and I start to feel overly too warm. Holding my palm against the searing spot Bella just kissed and I surreptitiously running my fingers along the feel of her kiss, still lingering on my cool skin, I attempt to figure out if my indestructible skin isn't as charred as it feels after what just happened. Actually, what just happened? Staring at Bella, I blink rapidly, trying to catch the words that are coming out of her mouth –which just kissed me– with this muddled brain of mine.
"There's your apology and reward," Bella explains swiftly, smiling, and sweetly adds, "My answer, please?"
"Answer?" I think she made me stupid…
"The answer to why you believe in me when even I don't believe in myself," Bella tries again, tone barely patient.
Oh… right… I steel myself. "That's because I–" However, before I can finish what I started to say, I interrupt myself abruptly, straining my sensitive ears to hear and listen.
"Jasper, is everything okay?" Bella asks in a hush, her heart speeding up and distracting me.
The only form of warning that I get for what comes next, comes as a gentle and insistent vibration on the right back pocket of my jeans –a text. But before I can reach my back pocket, I feel what my ears failed to pick up.
Before I can think about what to do to stop the inevitable, I gently push Bella away from me, careful not to hurt her as I attempt to protect her from what's coming directly toward us. "What's happening?" Bella asks, surprised by my sudden change in demeanor as I drop to a crouch and tense.
"Duck!" I instruct Bella desperately, my tone guttoral as I suppress a raising growl.
"I don't unders–"
"You don't need to understand," I growl in frustration, whirling on her. "Do as you are told. Duck." She hesitates, looking behind her and inching away from me. I growl again and she stills uncertainly. "Don't try to run, just duck! You are in danger."
Her eyes widen at my outburst and a swirling of emotions travel through her much too slowly for my taste as my word sinks in. "I won't," she promises, trembling slightly.
"Duck, Bella!" I repeat, bellowing, urgently and finally, registering my plea, she drops to the ground flat on her stomach and thankfully, not a moment too late.
"Jasper!" Bella cries in warning, eyes wide, adrenaline rushing, and I turn my back on her.
"Stay put," I warn, just before a blur of motion and limbs tackles me to the ground, taking me a yard away in the momentum with a feral snarl and a clatter of boulder as we bulldozer some trees and cause chaos along the way.
"Jasper!" I hear Bella cry and catching a momentary glimpse of her in the chaos, watch in horror as she stands and starts to run in my direction while I keep soaring and crashing into trees with the driving force of my attackers.
"Bella, stay there!" I snarl warningly and she freezes. "Trust me!"
With some effort, Bella listens, relaxing slightly, and nods, understanding my plea for what it is. A blatant attempt at keeping her out of harm's way and safe in spite of the odds.
"With my life…" she whispers, deciding to trust me.
As the wind turns in my favor, I realize that the scent of my attacker is much too familiar... and I snarl.
Isabella I know you'll be waiting there for me to come back, and I will, I silently promise.
…
…
A/N: Bésame means "Kiss me" just in case… I think I should give credit where it is merited. Therefore, there are more than ten lines of this story that I cannot take credit for. I borrowed and change some of Christina Aguilera's lyrics' for "Bound to You" and adapted them to fit the story. The rest that are unrecognizable are the works of my imagination. Thank you for reading!