Memoirs of Her Scent
by
Amaterasu Kinesi
Chapter Twenty-Two
Harder to Breathe
…
Same Day; A Few Hours Earlier...
Next time I see Edward, I'll kill him, again, slowly, I find myself thinking as Bella begins to fall to pieces while I helplessly watch. It is a promise. Her heart is beating faster with each shallow breath she takes, punctuating, like a hammer to a nail's head, the feelings of despair and grieve that are steadily spinning out of her control the longer she stands looking after the wind that took Edward's phantom shadow with it.
Breathe, I want to remind her but my own airway is blocked... She's about to hyperventilate when–
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry...," laments Bella through a strangled, hoarse cry that echoes like ripples on the surface of a lake that has been perturbed and crumbles to the floor before I can make a move to catch her.
"Come here…" Meanwhile, I keep the woes of my own lament silenced and gather her crippled form in my arms, hoping to absorb as much of her heartache as possible. She allows it, accepting my nearness with gratitude and welcoming it as she leans into me.
Isabella is weightless and fragile and trembling like a leaf in autumn in my arms.
Right now, all I can do to show my support is hold her close and pray that I will never have to let her go. Hope that she will not ask me, ever, to let her go or to walk away and leave her alone.
"Edward come back," she chokes out and my heart breaks a little more, and the bits that crumble and fall become dust before they even reach rock bottom. "Please, come back. I'm sorry… I'm so sorry."
As her frantic apologies tumble out of her lips again and again, taking on a new form of grievance and bringing about more to her endless stream of tears, my heartbroken and contrite voice joins hers in apology, attempting to soothe her crippled spirit. "I'm so sorry, Bella... So sorry..."
Her lament inundating my senses like a shroud, I cry along with her in silence. Since my tears have long dried up, I have nothing to show for them except an excess of penance and a miasma of brackish despair that permeates the air. For all my attempts at comfort, I still feel useless and worn out.
After a while, I no longer know or can distinguish who is uttering the words of apology; they just tumble out, sincere and pained. Bella is in anguish because of Edward. He has once again left her side without allowing her to speak her mind and completely crippled her fragile decadence. And once again I am left behind to take his place and dry the tears that he should be drying.
On the other hand, though I'm sorry that Bella's in pain because Edward, I have no qualms about him being gone. Despite the fact that I resent him because he has taken the easy way out and is now gone, leaving me here to collect the pieces of the broken girl he shattered when it isn't my right or place to be the one drying her tears, I'm glad I am the one that gets to dry Bella's tears. And that, more than anything, feels like betrayal.
It is unhealthy, this desire I have rooted within the depths of my heart. All I want is to encompass Bella in the shelter of my arms and keep her from Edward and all the pain he has brought into her life, where more is sure to follow. It is a betrayal to both, Isabella and Edward... and myself, in some ways. Because I keep fooling myself into believing that I can take his place, when I obviously cannot.
Even if I try, I cannot protect her forever. Especially not from herself, not when all she wants is Edward. Obviously, this seemingly simple wish is but a delusion. There's nothing I can do for Bella. I have nothing to offer, other than this cold, dead embrace that can't even warm her. Her endless stream of tears serves as prove of that. Right now, though I'm the one here, I'm not the one Isabella needs and craves at her side. It's him, Edward.
Still, I continue to strive, trying to be enough for her, for now. But, until when will I be enough. Have I ever been enough? Will I ever?
"He left, Jasper... He left..." She is shaking, tremor after tremor her tears fall like bullets against my chest. "He's... He's gone..." Her hands are gripping tightly to my forearms, her nails digging into my cold, stone flesh in an attempt to steady herself as her reality crumbles in the wake of Edward's abandon. "Gone, Jasper... Gone..."
'Again' is the word that Bella won't and can't bring herself to say, in the sway of her great despair. Her grip is like a vice, unwilling to let go and growing tighter, colder.
"Everything will be alright," I promise.
She shakes her head, no. "No…"
No, she can't believe me. No, she won't believe me.
"He'll come back," I say. She trembles, dreading to hope.
Lies, lies, and more lies... and empty promises, my mind mocks and I can't contradict it.
"He has to." She can barely dare to hope, but she allows herself to. "He loves you..." I love you... I want to confess, only, she won't want to hear the words. "He won't be long now." She prays. I dread. My own words are like ash in my mouth, leaving behind an acrid taste on my tongue.
"You'll stay until then?" she pleads, "Until he returns?"
Cringing, I listen and I hear her desperate cry, the deeper meaning behind her tactless words, saying, 'Please stay, Jasper. Please, please, Jasper, don't leave me alone in the dark.' Meanwhile, I'm afraid if I do, I'll go insane. Still, her emotions keep on whispering words I cannot ignore, 'I'm afraid if you leave, I'll go insane, Jasper… like before you came and rescued me from the dark.'
"I'll stay," I barely manage to promise.
These binding words feel like sandpaper shredding at my vocal chords. All I want is to promise her that I'll stay and that I'll be the one loving her, if only she would have me. But... these are not the words she wants to hear. Therefore, I bite down on my tongue and swallow them down before they can get away from me.
"Thank you," she sobs, eyes wide with gratitude and streaming with tears and more tears that when I look into mirror of her eyes, reflect my own miserable face back at me. "Thank you…"
However, Bella doesn't see the misery she is inflicting and every new tear that falls down her delicately flushed cheeks and onto my shirt is like a stake shoved straight at my heart and twisted deeper. Even then, despite her unintentional cruelty, I still love her.
Beyond the shadow of a doubt, still, I want to remain at her side. I wish to be where she is. Even as she's crying and wishing to be in the company of another man. If only to serve her as that someone who can help her dry her tears, I'll remain. Though it might be a painful existence, it has purpose and drive and it allows me to be at her side, which is more than I deserve.
"You are a very cruel woman, Isabella Swan," I whisper against the shell of her ear, but my words go unheard as her cries begin anew. "Won't you look my way once, is that too much to ask for?"
The silence that descends next is heavily interrupted with intervals of Bella crying and sniffling as she calls for Edward... immersed in suffering, because of Edward...
Between half sobs and shuddering breaths, Bella eventually exhausts herself and calms down enough to stop crying altogether, but I just continue holding her close. Because I can't seem to bring myself to be apart from her, not after the hell I've been through since she went to rescue Edward.
Unreasonable as my desire might be, I need to be by her side. Therefore, starting from her nape to the wavy ends and back again, my fingers comb through Bella's hair in an effortless loop that calms us both, for longer than it would be deemed appropriate and I still can't bring myself to distance myself from her.
Meanwhile, Bella's fingertips are resting at the nape of my neck, unmoving, barely tangled in my tousled, flaxen curls while I remain kneeled at the foot of her bed, nestled between her accommodating thighs and hug her to me with my left hand resting at the small of her back. This position brings us face-to-face and forehead-to-forehead.
Needing and craving Bella's nearness and reassuring warmth, almost painfully so, I embrace her tighter to my chest. Thankfully, she doesn't complain. However, it is not until I hear her breathing even out and her grip on my hair slacken and slide down my shoulders that I know she's cried herself to a fitful sleep. Again. And just like that, we are back to square one.
Back to when no matter what I said or did, it would not register with Isabella and all I was capable of doing was keep her demons at bay and make sure that the abyss of her despair wouldn't swallow her whole, while battling my own demon and bloodlust.
And that is exactly what I do now, I hold Isabella close and murmur promises that will never reach her, but I'll hold true to. That's all I'm capable of doing for her, for myself. It will have to be enough. Maybe it is because I can't seem to bring myself to let go; somehow, I'm too afraid to let go... Or maybe it's because doing nothing will send me spiraling into my own personal Hell that I am incapable of extracting myself from this situation I have no business being swept into. But I'm already way in over my head from day one, tangled in her intricate webs of many miseries and can't go back, I know.
After all, the moment I realized that the young woman I am currently holding in my arms came to possess my heart in the palm of her hand, the tides had changed and turned in Bella's favor. Since then, it has been 'GAME OVER' for me.
Given the fact that I was the one that had handed it over to her without realizing I'd done so, I had no other options but to surrender to part of my heart's desire. Therefore, there is no going back. Not that I'd want to, but I can't take back what's been given away.
Throwing away all thoughts of proper conduct and caution, I allow my fingers free reign and comb them through Bella's disheveled hair without hesitation and breathe her in, mirroring my breathing to her steady breaths. Allowing my self this small pleasure, I take full advantage of it and admire the sleeping beauty in arms as my fingertips try to memorize the feel of her.
This is what home feels like, I muse, my left hand resting at her waist and giving my vacillating fingers the advantage of direct contact with the warmth of her soft flesh to draw lazy circles on and seek comfort. Thankful for this welcome distraction, I allow myself to momentarily get caught up in the moment without thoughts of the here and now dampening the occasion.
In my hands, she is like a living, breathing canvas for me to draw on and admire to my heart's content. However, not before long, Bella stirs and the scent of brackish moisture accompanies her into awareness and I am abruptly brought back to reality. She's crying again. Knowing that Isabella hasn't caved in under the weight of her pain, or withdrawn in the hopes of opting to avoid thinking about this painful reality she is living in and once again reaching for the numbness is the only comfort I gain from her tears.
Perhaps, my voice might reach her... There's still hope and that's only a small comfort for her, and total devastation for me.
Gently squeezing the back of Bella's neck reassuringly I sigh, feeling dejected, and place her on the bed before languidly heaving to my feet. Bella frowns at me in confusion but does not question or protests my actions otherwise. Instead, she wipes furiously at the tears on her face and silently watches me, trying to read my next move and gain some insight as to what might be going through my mind from my stoic body language.
Once on my feet and far enough from Isabella that her nearness clouds my senses less, I immediately commence pacing at a pace that is a notch beyond human speed and instantly get lost in my thoughts. Feeling the heat of Bella's eyes following the trajectory of my dejection, I force my steps to falter into a more human speed. Because, honestly speaking, I can't convince myself to come to a complete halt without wanting to go back to her side and resist touching her.
Time is of the essence. Shaking my head, I try to focus; I have a choice to make and not much time to consider the consequences and for that, I need to be able to think.
Being near Bella doesn't help me think, at least not as close as I was before. Hence, the desperate need to put some distance between us. While pacing, I try to make my choice by removing myself from the equation and thinking about what is best for Bella.
What would be best for Bella? I wonder, dreading the answer. Sure that whatever is best for Bella is sure to leave in tethers. By now, my steps are a blur and I can hear static in the air...
A movement catches my attention and out of the corner of my eye I watch as Bella also gets to her feet and continues to frown at me as she takes her plum lower lip between her teeth in thought. No doubt, trying to figure me out as questions begin to ember in her doe-like chocolate eyes.
The unspoken questions hanging between us and still unasked, suffocate the mournful mood in the room and shroud over me, to the point where I feel them trying to coax me into confessing all my dirty little secrets and nearly garroting my airway.
Coming to an abrupt halt once and for all, I steel my resolve and timidly face Bella. She gazes at me pointedly and blatantly holds my gaze to hers, her mood somnolent but cordial as she tries to read my face –a mask of indifference that belies the tempest raging within. "Isabella…" I sigh, trailing off.
Gazing at her I try to memorize this moment in time. Especially the way her eyes are shining as she gazes up at me, hair mussed from sleep. Desperately, I find myself wishing I could somehow freeze this moment and live in it for eternity.
Like a man memorizing a landscape marked with treasures untold, my eyes rove longingly over her porcelain, heart-shaped visage. Slowly, as if I were caressing her face with my fingertips rather than just looking from a distance, I allow myself a moment of indecency and look at Bella through the eyes of a man admiring a woman.
I take a moment to trace all of her features into an empty canvas in my mind. Shading in the frown of her mouth and the plumpness of her lips, the tightness around the outer corners of her doe eyes, slightly creased with worries and questions, and the simplicity of her quiet and innocent beauty. As soon as I allow myself this guilty pleasure, it is easy to imagine my hands on her skin and my fingers titillating her sensuous senses awake until she succumbs to my seduction.
Next, my imaginary fingers are dancing across Bella's alabaster skin, skimming trail down the long, delicate curve of her neck and linger hungrily over the pulse point of her throat before moving on. While my eyes simply admire the milky parlor of her unblemished skin with twin pools of subdued rouge accentuating her high cheekbones, I take in her delicate collarbones, framed and shadowed by her coffee tresses, and the swell of her full breasts, adding to the sketch every curve and plane of her form and beauty my eyes are able to mimic in the recesses of my mind.
Isabella isn't exactly beautiful or gorgeous or sexy or cute, though in some ways she encompasses all of these very attributes. Regardless, there is something more to her that I can't quite name... She is breathtakingly human, I conclude. Satisfied, I nod to myself. That's it.
Breathtaking...
A rather befitting word,I can't help but think. It possesses its own character and personality, which adequately simplifies and puts into perspective how I view Isabella Swan.
Carefully, as if I might forget the next moment, I complete her sketch with careful and detailed design like a mental photograph. With the knowledge that my excellent memory will never do Bella's silent intensity and beauty justice, I commit this short moment to memory for a day when I will no longer have the opportunity to look upon her flawed perfection unabashedly.
Taking in a deep and scorching breath laden with Bella's unique scent, I let it out slowly and unevenly. And as if this action actually pains me, I momentarily close my eyes, tightly, and roughly rake my fingers through my tangled wisps in an effort to stop my hands from trembling and Bella from noticing my silent unraveling. Still, she is patiently looking at me and waiting to hear whatever it is I'd started to say without so much as showing any signs of annoyance. Clearly, she is more patient with me than I am.
"Bella, I–" I try again but stop, frustrated. Dropping my hand back to my side lamely, I sigh a long-suffering sigh.
What is wrong with me? I wonder and wait a moment as if expecting an answer from Bella or anyone, I don't know. Of course, there is none. I'm probably losing it. Sighing, I shake my head almost violently as if to clear it of cobwebs. I can't lie to myself any longer; I can't hide any more… I decide.
You've got nothing to say that anyone will want to hear. A little voice in the back of my mind taunts.
I've got nothing. I agree. I've got nothing to offer. At least that's what I've been telling myself. She's given me more than I can ever repay, yet there's so much that she deserves and I'm not the one she's expecting it from.
This particular train of thought causes the corners of my mouth to frown with distaste as another more frightening though flutters across my mind.
…
As much as the thought cripples me, I must leave and learn to live without her…
So you think our paths are headed separate ways?
For once, my demon doesn't sound sardonic. In fact, I'd say it sounds worried.
…
As if this might actually help me quiet my mental debate, I shut my eyes tightly and focus on my breathing.
…
There's nothing I can do about it… and I don't just think, I know.
…
One, two... I try to count my breaths but the legato sound of Bella's heartbeat is like a compelling whisper, a siren call that is keen on saying and knowing only my name.
…
You think you know…
And the sardonic bastard is back, it was nice while it lasted.
So we're giving up? Just like that?
…
"Jasper?" Bella's heartbeat thuds loud and clear and that's when I know for certain that I am too far-gone in this delusion, in this insensitive, selfish need to prolong this moment for just a while longer.
…
Not only that, it feels like the more time I spend with her, the closer I get to telling her that I–
Oh, just spit it out!
I love her… But there's no way the sentiment will be reciprocated…
…
Bella shifts and takes a cautious step in my direction and my heart swells and catches in my throat. My demon stirs, practically on the verge of purring.
"Jasper?" her heart thuds again and now I feel as if she is standing a breath from me.
This is torture... I mentally groan.
If I didn't know any better, I'd say I can just feel her warmth trying to make up for my lack of body heat, enveloping me in her scent. My palm twitches, eager to reach out and give in to temptation. Instead, I fist my hands at my sides and hope that Bella doesn't take notice of my fragmenting control.
…
You won't know until you man up and tell her.
There's nothing I can say that'll make her look at me, much less choose me.
…
My uncertain train of thought comes to an abrupt halt as I distinctively feel Bella carefully reach out and put her hands on either side of my face, cupping my cheeks with her palms. For a moment, my mind goes blank and I can't think because what I think is happening can't possibly be happening.
Regardless of what my mind and reason is telling me, I'm only aware of Bella and her nearness. Only able to feel the point where her hands are touching my face and warming my cool skin, and smell her scent mixing with mine. Now so concentrated in this room that I have to stop breathing before I start drooling at the corners.
Therefore, the only thing I can do is swallow.
Next, as impossible as her actions might seem in my mind, I feel Bella's fingertips against my forehead as she caresses my knitted brows and smoothes out the tension gathered there.
When had I furrowed them? If I had a tail, I might add, I'd probably be wagging it into a blur by now...
And again, all I feel is the warmth of her hands against my cheeks and the hypnotizing whoosh of her pulse roaring in my ears... Unconsciously, I lick my lips and savor her scent on my tongue.
"What's wrong?" Bella's soft mutter reaches my ears and I know it's not my imagination because her voice is still raw and gravely with tears and sleep. "Talk to me?" she coaxes.
Once again, I'm back to the here and now.
…
You won't know until you man up and tell her.
…
Unbidden, my mouth opens and like a self-inflicted death knell, I speak:
"Go to him."
Against my better judgment the words are out of my mouth before I can take them back. Therefore, though I know I will regret it later (I already am) the moment the words are out, I know I've said the right thing. Even if my heart won't agree to it, my reasoning does.
…
Have I lost my mind?!
I mentally berate myself.
I think you have.
My demon's voice sounds somewhere between a sneer and a snarl.
Why would I send her seeking after Edward?
My demon sighs and probably shakes its head in pity.
Because you are so sensible and don't want to hurt her feelings but you need room to breathe, without her around, perhaps?
But, yeah, it's safe to say you've lost it.
There's no question about it now, my demon is sneering at me.
…
As my internal freaking out episode comes to an end, I notice I'm not the only one in utter disbelieve. That makes two, I'm as surprised as she is. Bella's speechless shock is like a tidal wave of give and take that churns and runs through me as it leaves her body and coxes into mine with a well-strung current of ill placed electricity. In every sense of the word, she looks stricken.
Honestly, my guess is as good as hers. In fact, I'm still reeling, have no idea what came over me! Perhaps, it is the southern gentleman in me, finally having a say in all this. Maybe I'm actually a better man than anyone or I give me credit for. Who knows?
For a long moment, there is absolute silence and then–
"What?" Bella blinks, trying to process the meaning behind my three little words. Bella shakes her head in defiant denial and takes two, three steps away from me and hugs her midsection; needing to get away from my words as if distance would make them revocable.
It's as if she believes that simple action can protect her from the audacity of my words. No such luck. Her inability to accept what's right in front of her leaves me cold and disappointed at having lost the small contact, in the process.
…
I must learn to live without her…
Now, that's something to strive for, my demon mocks.
Yeah, I don't think I can do it either, I reply dryly.
You really need to learn how to appreciate sarcasm…
…
Bella's eyes rove all over my face, beseeching and begging me to take my words back. "You don't mean that," she whispers, shaking her head frantically.
"Sorry," I say. Unable to look at her and watch the betrayal dancing behind her eyes as they tear up, I hang my head.
I can't lie to her. Understanding dawns on her and though her voice quivers when she does, Bella starts to protest. "But–"
"You went all the way to the Volturi, Isabella." I interrupt, chuckling darkly, humorlessly. "That's the very heart of the vampire world and you're human, let's not forget."
"I don't think– What does that have to do with anything?" she asks, aghast.
"It has everything to do with it, Bella!" I argue curtly. Bella flinches at my tone and takes another step away from me, until her knees hit the foot of her bed. My tone is bitter, but I don't care, I press on, "You went there just to save him, to save Edward!"
"I had to, okay!" she bellows, her own rage giving her courage. "I thought you understood that!"
"I do, Bella, I do," I placate, trying to soothe the turmoil of rage spiraling within her.
"Go on." Bella isn't fooled, she just folds her arms over her chest and juts her chin up stubbornly. This is the first time I've ever seen her so riled up and all over Edward, of course.
"Therefore, don't tell me you risked your own life for nothing!" I remind her, my voice no more than a hoarse whisper, before she can argue and I lose the will to keep my head and priorities straight.
Or rather, before I can steal her away against her will…
"As you pointed out, I did that to save Edward," she shuts back, trying my patience. It takes closing my eyes and breathing in and out several times before I can look at Bella and speak without growling at her.
"Yes, we established that," I grind patiently through clenched teeth. "Let's not deviate from the intended purpose, shall we?"
"And what is the purpose here?" she asks acidly, raising a single brow. I inhale sharply. I never thought Bella could make me angry, I better reiterate that thought after this is done and over with and see if I still hold the same opinion.
"As I was saying," I practically growl out, making her smirk, which I didn't know she could manage. "Given that you've already gone through so much hardship, the next step should be the easiest. Wouldn't you say? Since all you'll have to do is set aside your pride." I smirk. "Nothing perilous."
"And what's that?" she scowls, walking up to me and staring me in the eyes.
"Give the Yankee a chance." I smile, a winning, fake smile that puts a crinkle in my eyes. "After going through all that trouble for him, the least you can do is hear him out," I reason, shrugging as if it is the most obvious solution here.
"That's your 'oh-so-easy plan,' is it now?" she scoffs and jabs a finger at my chest. I blink at her in surprise and Bella sneers. She sneers! Bella jabs my chest again and I stiffen, a low, warning growl vibrating in my chest. She's gonna get hurt if she keeps doing that. "Well?" she asks and jabs my chest again. "Is it?"
"I'm sure there's much you want to discuss with him." I reason and try to ignore the fact that Bella, a very fragile human, is challenging me, a not so fragile vampire. Guess anger does cloud everyone's judgment. "Not to mention, he has a lot of explaining to do and then, there's much that you need to get off your chest as well. Isn't there?"
"There is," she admits thoughtfully, though not yet convinced and not at all placated.
"Then hear him out, it's the least you can do for yourself," I tell her and force another smile. "Maybe then he'll hear you out…He owes you that." She nods curtly, agreeing to that last part and fixes me with a calculating look. Once again, she backs away from me until the backs of her knees hit the foot of her bed. "Problem solved." I add for good measure and shrug.
It feels as if for every word I utter is a dagger in me that I sink deeper and deeper...
"I still say it's a bad idea," she grumbles stubbornly. I don't blame her. "I'm not convinced, Jasper."
Allow me to convince you against my better judgment, I think, closing the distance created previously by her. Bella gasps and blinks rapidly as she registers the fact that I am standing before her a little belatedly. Though we are practically chest-to-chest, she stays put while her heartbeat keeps a frantic staccato against her chest at my sudden proximity.
"Conflict shouldn't be avoided." I sigh, staring intently into her eyes. I'm a martyr now? "It should be confronted and solved." Take your own advice, Whitlock, I think bitterly. "Bella, what'll it be?"
Frowning, Bella releases my and glances down at her shuffling feet before her unwavering eyes meet mine; piercingly beseeching and making me feel bare before her. She swallows thickly and after hesitating for only an instant, reaches out for my hand. Grasping it tightly, until her knuckles go numbingly white, she takes a deep, shuddering breath and lets it out raggedly.
After a while, Bella chuckles humorlessly. Nodding tersely in some kind of resolution, her mouth curves into a frown as a war wages behind her dark eyes while she stares as me.
"Let's say I consider this manic gamble you are proposing," Bella starts. Smiling, I chuckle lightly at the cunningness I see hidden behind the new smirk tugging at the corners of her lips. "What happens if I don't like what Edward has to say?"
"That's a possibility," I admit. Her brows are so tightly drawn with worry that I can't help but reach out and smooth it out with the pad of my thumb as delicately as I can manage. She smiles wanly at me as I do so. "Something you'll have to deal with when you get there."
"Actually, forget dealing with it. I don't think I even want to hear what Edward has to say…" she sounds near neurotic now, "and why should I?" When her eyes meet mine, her stare is defiant, daring me to contradict her.
Knowing better than to go there, I don't. "It's all up to you," I say instead. Actually, I kind of like seeing Bella mad at Edward for once, since not once during his absence was she angry or resentful toward him. Justice, for a change.
"It's not like he's bothered to hear what I have to say!" she continues as if I hadn't even spoken. Bella's seething now, angrier than I've seen her in a while. "Not now, and certainly not the first time–" He left, I mentally add for her. "–Not before! No one ever cares to hear what I have to say."
"I do," I tell her gently, cupping her right cheek with my left palm.
"It doesn't matter, he won't listen." Though stubborn, her argument is feeble and she knows it.
"Be the better person," I encourage. "Make him listen and ignore whatever he has to say until he does." Bella snorts with contempt. "He owes you that much and more." I smile at her encouragingly and feel my pupils dilate with the effort of my slight insincerity.
Thankfully, Bella doesn't notice.
"I think you're the only one who thinks that," Bella mumbles, ducking her head to glance down at her feet again as a blush blooms on her cheeks. I swallow thickly, trying to inhale as little as possible as I feel my pupils dilate from bloodlust.
"You already risked your life," I point out, voice slightly strained. "Everything else from this point forward should be a piece of cake, remember?"
"So you keep reminding me." Bella smiles at me uncertainly but nods and squeezes the fingers cupping her cheek once, steeling her resolve before letting go of my grasp.
"Because we both know I'm right." She rolls her eyes at me. "I know you'll put him in his place, just agree to do it already," I tease.
"Says the vampire who can do anything." As she teases me, Bella looks up and smiles at me uncertainly but nods and squeezes my fingers once more, steeling her resolve before letting go of my grasp.
"I have faith in you. As much faith as you have in me. But this is still your decision, Bella." Once again, I try to offer her an encouraging smile, which falls the moment she looks away and fixes her gaze just over my shoulder and on the bedroom door instead.
In an attempt not to force her gaze to mine and give her some time with her thoughts, I hold my breath and wait…
"Okay...," she finally mumbles a minute later and I can tell by the unnatural glint in her eyes that she's mentally trying to talk herself into seeing this as nothing more than just... another conversation to come. Judging by the look of despair when her eyes meet mine again, she isn't having much success.
"Okay?" Hope and defeat wage war within me, my nerve endings telling me that I should talk her out of it. After all, it would be much simpler than talking her into it has been. I ignore it, focusing on doing right by Bella.
"You think I can do it?" My eyes soften at the sound and feel of her uncertainty in full display. Now that the flush and fire of her anger is gone from her cheeks and eyes, Bella looks weathered. But it adds to her silent intensity, making her more remarkable than ever before in my eyes.
"Yes," I breathe.
Without so much as a calculated thought I desperately place my hands on either side of her cheeks and cup her face between the cambers of my palms, for the span of a heartbeat. Willing and accepting, she lets me. Sighing and with a rueful smile curving the corners of my mouth, I watch Bella intently for signs of her resolve crumbling. However, she seems quite resolute if a little resentful.
"Absolutely certain?" she presses.
I don't want to lie to her and try to convey this without words, wanting to let her know that everything will work out, even if things don't go the way she wants. Before I force the next words to pass my unwilling tongue, I fix my steady gaze on hers. "No matter what, Bella, I'll be here," I assure her with a last desperate attempt that works better than I could have hoped. "Every step of the way, for as long as you need me."
Instantly, I know my words are enough as I watch Bella square her shoulders and hold her head high, chin out defiantly. "I can do this," she repeats, sounding surer than I thought she would.
With no small amount of unmasked awe, I take in the sight of Isabella forcing herself to stand tall with her head held high. She looks so regal in that moment that the smile that tugs at my lips is so genuine that it even makes me laugh. Bella beams at the sound and her eyes brighten.
"That's the spirit," I tell her. "You see? You are stronger and braver than you think, Bella. You are the bravest human I know."
"If you say so." Given the look on her face, I don't have to be an empath to know that she's dubious. "Though being stuck with me within these four walls, I'm sure you don't interact with that many humans to have that much of an opinion in the matter," she grumbles and crosses her arms over her chest, unconsciously emphasizing the fullness of her breasts.
"I heard that." Clearing my throat, I try to look anywhere but at her chest and decide to focus on Bella's face. That should be safe enough. I pocket them for precautionary measures. Swallowing, I clear my throat. Twice.
Bella giggles, clearly enjoying herself as she remains oblivious to the power she has over me.
"Good." When she meets my eyes, Bella's chocolate gaze is coy as she looks up at me from under her lashes and I have to mentally berate myself to keep my hands and their twitching fingers to myself. Something that Bella makes near impossible without meaning to, and sometimes physically painful. "I meant for you to hear that."
Distracted, I laugh. "I'll have you know, I interact with plenty of humans to know what I'm talking about." I smirk.
Incredulous, she snorts in answer and her arms tighten across her chest, which I wasn't looking at...
"Can I ask you something?" I quickly deviate. "Just… don't take it the wrong way."
"Shoot." Thankfully dropping her hands to her sides, Bella seats back on her bed and looks back up at me expectantly. "Though, I'll have you know, I make no promises," she says, looking up at me and tilting her head with a raised questioning brow. "And I might choose not to answer."
"That's fair enough. I can live with that." I nod, feeling restless. "Earlier...," I trail off, trying to trade in carefully. "When you became aware of Edward, for a moment you reacted as if you were almost scared of him..."
"Jasper…" As expected, Bella tenses up and her whisper is a near warning.
Ignore the swirling sensations of alarm and unease her body is oozing, I press on. "Why was that, Bella?" I lick my top lip nervously. "Did he do something?" Before I can even finish that last sentence, Bella is shaking her head, almost vehemently, and her mouth is set in a frown.
"He didn't do anything, apart from leaving me." I grimace at the bitterness in her words. "And I'm not scared of Edward, if that's what you're asking, Jasper," she answers carefully, her gaze unwavering on mine until I'm forced to look away. "I love him still."
Swallowing thickly, I try to ignore the pain in my sternum those three simple little words unleashed. "Then, why?" The bad reaction...
"Seriously, you and Charlie should team up and come up with some more outrageous reasons for me not to go doing whatever or seeing whomever…" she says, aggravated.
"Sorry. I'm only looking out for you," I mumble, abashed. Bella rolls her eyes at me.
"I know, I know… I'm sorry too," she sight. "The thing was, I was scared for you...," she confesses. However, her voice is so low that I'm not even sure I've heard her correctly, until she clears her throat and repeats herself without meeting my gaze.
"For me?" I ask dumbly. I search her face for any signs of deception. There are none.
"Terrified that Edward would say something to make you go before I'm ready...," she fumbles to explain herself, "that you'd go if he said you had to and wouldn't come back... I just couldn't cope with that, not after everything. You've been the one here, keeping me from completely falling apart and not him, not Edward."
The bitter cold that had settled and taken residence over my chest from the pain brought with those three simple words Bella had previously uttered, suddenly began to dissipate and was soon replaced with all consuming warmth. Bella cares…
"I wouldn't have," I assure her almost savagely. Not to mention, I just got you back and the thought of having you out of my sight so soon is unnerving and terrifying, numbing. "Not unless that's what you want," I quickly amend and she smiles winningly at me. "You never have to fear that, I promised you that I wouldn't leave until you told me to go."
Bella meets my gaze with steady eyes and in a resolute mumble, says, "Never."
My thoughts and frozen heart stutter at the sound and forcefulness of her conviction in my moment of happy astonishment. Beyond elated, I can't contain a smile from curving my lips and spreading. Satisfied, Bella, too, begins to smile.
"I'll never want you gone…" she adds under her breath, looking away from me. However, that slightly smile is still in place. Given the ravishing blush delicately tainting the alabaster skin of her soft cheeks, I know she hadn't meant for me to hear her, therefore, I pretend to not hear. Hope swells within me. Just maybe…
"The others...," I start and clear my throat before giving it another go. "The rest of the family came back, too. I should see them." I shrug, trying for nonchalance. She nods, understanding. "So go find him. I'm sure if you have a go at Edward the way you went at me," I wink teasingly, "you two will have plenty to discuss."
"I bet we will," she admits with a sad and painful smile that I've helped Edward place on her delicate lips. "Regardless, I haven't decided what to do about Edward." When she glances at me now, her eyes are guarded and I hate that I've had a hand in putting that wall between us.
…
It's better this way.
I try and fail to convince myself.
Sure is…
And the snarky comments are back.
This way, it'll be easier for when we have to part.
Saying your words of departure so soon?
Because it'll have to happen, eventually, remember?
Sure…
…
"Don't," Bella whimpers and that single word sounds so terrified that I look up at her in alarm to try and find its cause. And that's when realize that I am the cause.
"Bella?"
…
I'm not the one she loves, nor am I the one she flew half way across the world and risked her life to find and bring back.
That, and you can never be him.
Thanks for the vote of confidence, I snarl callously at my demon.
I thought you were supposed to be on my side.
Oh, but I am.
…
"Just don't," she pleads, voice hoarse and heart hammering as the tang of her fear tantalizes my taste buds. "Jasper, please..."
"I don't–"
Before I can even ask her what I've done, Bella is on her feet and holding onto my arm with all her might. "Jasper," she gasps, her desperation palpable, "don't hide from me. Please, not from me."
Dumbfounded, I stare at Bella. "I'm not– What do you mean?"
…
I must leave and learn to live without her…
What do you know about life?
…
That sad smile I'm so very acquainted with curves her lips again as she says, "There you go, you are doing it again..." With a nervous chuckle she lets go of my arm as if she can't bear to touch me and instead, hugs herself. "I thought..." she sounds sheepish, "I'd hoped that you'd consider me a friend by now."
"I do!" I hasten to assure her, startled. And so much more!
But she just offers me a placating smile that tells me that she is unconvinced and shakes her head. "If that were the case, Jasper, you wouldn't hide from me so easily..."
"I'm not–" I am confused, however, and feeling just about ready to bolt.
Was I?
Am I?
"But you are, Jasper," she argues, though there's no fire in her eyes. "I saw it in your eyes..." She reaches out and touches the curve from my brow to my cheek with a feather-light caress of her fingertips as if to demonstrate. "Your face might not give away much, Jasper, but your eyes speak volumes," she adds.
Her words are like a collision that I can't avoid and without meaning to, I find myself flinching away from her touch for the first time. Feeling exposed, I pretend not to feel the hurt I see in her eyes. Instead, I shake my head and scowl at her, while trying to put as much distance as Bella's small room will allow between us. "I don't know what you're talking about."
"And I won't take Edward back, even if he begs me to," she retorts sarcastically and I can taste the lie, bitter on my tongue and crackling in the air like a miasma of stale alcohol.
"That's low," I growl through clenched teeth.
"Sure." Bella sighs, not quite an apology. I scowl and close my eyes to guard against her beseeching stare. "Since I can't possibly know you as well as you know me by now..." I clench my jaw at her words but say nothing. "You are hiding something, Jasper, so cut the BS and get real."
My flash open and she's still looking at me so my words catch in my throat. "I'm not–"
"There's no point denying it," she interrupts. "Look, you don't have to tell me," she adds, her tone patient and placating as she reaches out to me once again. I let her. "Just don't try to hide it from me. I won't ask for something that you are not willing to freely offer."
"Thank you," I grudgingly murmur.
Bella smiles sadly, suddenly looking exhausted. "However," I tense up, "I hope that one day you'll feel as comfortable as I do with you and you can tell me what it is that troubles you so much." Uncertainly, I relax. Slightly. "Your secret, I suppose…"
…
It's you.
My demon cuts in helpfully.
Shut it.
It's not like she can hear me.
I can feel it rolling its eyes at me.
…
"My… secret?" I ask, trying to buy time, or look for a hole to crawl into.
…
Does she know something? She can't, right?
She can probably read you like a book…
Not helping!
…But I'm sure she hasn't guessed as to that.
That's a relief…
For now, that is…
…
The longer I remain in this state of bafflement and Bella keeps on slamming her words at me with a mean curve to them, I can feel myself panicking. Honestly, I just can't predict where she'll swing next.
"Until then, just promise not to hide from me?" she wagers. "You're always doing so much for me... I just wish I could return the favor and repay you in some small way."
All I want is for you to look at me…
"I–" I try to speak but I am tongue-tied. I swallow, unsure of what to say or do and feeling emotionally exposed and cornered. How is it that she can see me so well in so little time? Do my eyes truly give away so much, or is it that because it's Bella, only she can see what lies beneath the veiled mask?
"I don't mean right now," Bella rushes to say, looking slightly nervous. "It's just that given what's been happening, I felt a bit paranoid, I guess, and in my mind it felt like... I don't know, like I was losing you back there." Her smile is apologetic and the knot around my heart loosens. "Sorry, I panicked."
Understanding, I smile. "You never have to fear that," I assure her, sincerely. "I'll be your friend for lifetime, if you wish it."
"I know that,? she admits and smiles, blushing. "Just... Don't disappear somewhere I can't reach you. I'm only human and the thought of losing you terrifies me more than I can say."
"Alright," I agree and decide to open up a bit. "It's just..."
"You don't have to explain," Bella whispers, seeing me struggle.
I shake my head. "No, I want to."
"Okay."
"Now that everyone is back, well, I was thinking that everything will change between the two of us," I try to open up and explain, searching for the right words. "I mean, it'll probably be a slow transition but everything should be going back to normal soon." Bella nods and understanding floods our delicate emotional bond. "Back to the way it was before."
You back with Edward and I... Where does that leave me?
"Thank you..." Bella beams. "But if going back to normal means losing your friendship, I think we'll have to make some adjustments…"
"Agreed," I say and walk back to Bella. Taking her by the hand I walk us to the foot of her bed and sit, taking her with me. "Just so you know, I didn't mean to hide that from you or anything," I add after carefully mulling over what I wanted to say. " This is all new to me. I'm just not used to having someone who wants to hear my thoughts, or doesn't already know what I'm about to say before I even say it."
"Except for the human," Bella laughs.
"Except for the human," I agree, laughing with her. "Funny how I keep forgetting that," I mumble, more to myself than to Bella. "It's not like this scent makes it any easier to forget." For emphasis, I pull her closer, nuzzle her neck, and inhale, making her squirm. "So why is that?"
"I don't know!" she says breathless with laughter. "Hey, that tickles!" she protests, "Jasper!" I regretfully ease up and pout, making her giggle.
"You really are mouthwatering..." I breathe. She is flushed and radiant, her eyes moist with mirth. This is how she should always look, joyful.
"Honestly, Jasper," Bella chastises, her smile now permanent. "Does that mean it's gotten easier?" she asks, nervously tugging on the hem of her shirt. "Being around me, that is."
"It never gets easier," I answer honestly. "I'm just slowly learning how to resist the pull."
"Oh…" Bella stares at me for a moment, another question forming in her mind. "How exactly do you do that?"
"Me?" She nods, smiling encouragingly. "I weigh the pros and cons… Eat Bella, no more Bella. Eat Bella… I get to find out if her blood tastes as good as it smells… And if I find out… there might not be more for later." I pout at the thought.
"That would be terrible," Bella giggles.
"It would be, very terrible," I chuckle, smirking. "Well, you get the big picture."
"Do I ever," she hums.
Catching the hour on Bella's alarm clock, I am made aware of the late hour. Time to sober up, I think reluctantly.
"If you're really considering having a go at Edward, you should get going..." And there goes that beautiful smile.
"Yeah," she says but makes no attempts to get going.
"I can drive you there in your truck," I offer halfheartedly.
"No." Bella refuses quickly and I'm slightly ashamed for feeling so relieved.
"You sure?" I ask, a little too hopeful.
"I need some alone time, if I'm really going to do this," Bella hastily explains. I understand, even if I wish I didn't. After all, I feel the same way. "Also, I need time to think about what I want to say and might want to ask him." That makes sense. "So you go on ahead without me."
Getting to my feet, I nod. "If you're sure…"
"I'm sure. Go on." She pushes me toward the window and I obey, halting just beside it. "I bet you've missed them after being stuck with this clumsy human for so long, I know I'm poor company." Bella chuckles with halfhearted mischief and winks. "Besides, they've probably been hoping to see you since they got back and here I am, selfishly keeping you from them."
You can selfishly keep me from them any time…
"I've been having loads of fun being stuck with the clumsy human," I hurry to assure. She smiles ruefully, a tinge of rouge coloring and accentuating her cheeks. "I mean it."
"Thanks. Being stuck with a blood sucker is not so bad either," she teases back.
"Don't mention it," I say dryly. All in good humor, of course, and search my pockets for Bella's keys. "Catch," I add, throwing her the keys to her truck.
"Good idea, I'll be needing that." Bella nods thoughtfully and watching as the keys arch toward her, she steps aside at the last minute, not even bothering to try catching them, and lets them land with a bounce on her bed. "Thanks."
"You are most welcome," I say, smiling. Bella looks at me speculatively so I have to ask, "What?"
"Actually, color me disappointed, Whitlock." She smirks. I raise a brow in question. "I was expecting more bite."
"Careful what you wish for, Swan," I purr. Next thing she knows, I'm a blur and I'm biting the air dangerously close to her left ear. Bella gasps, covering her endangered ear, blinks, and next thing she knows, I'm back by the window. I chuckle darkly. "How about I race you there?"
Her eyes narrow. "See you there." I smile winningly.
"Later." Turning my attention on the open window, I nod curtly and inhale the fresh night air. Tonight, it is cold and bitter. Lithely, I position myself into a crouch and lunch myself out Bella's window with practiced ease.
"Hey!" I hear Bella call after me.
Landing swiftly on the balls of my feet without hindering my momentum, I make a run for the woods. Refusing to look back, otherwise I might be too tempted to double back and never let Bella reach Edward, I head in the direction of what used to be home.
"That's cheating!" I hear Bella grumble before I make it past the first line of trees, making me chuckle.
…
…
The further away my steps take me from Bella, the harder it becomes to breathe, think, or continue to put one foot in front of the other, and keep running. Since nothing else fills my mind than this desperate, innate need and want to retrace my steps right back through Bella's bedroom window to place her under house arrest. Surely, that way she won't be able to meet up with Edward and get things back to the way they were before...
Every cell in my body wages a war against the logic of my reasoning mind, trying to convince me to give into this barbaric desire and head back to the refuge of Isabella's room. In spite of that, I plough onward, going against my wishes, running deeper into these familiar woods. Failing to get lost in them, and aware that someone else is keeping pace with me but remaining under the cloak of shadows.
…
…
Present Time:
…
"Crisis momentarily averted!" A familiar, honey deep voice sighs, sounding ridiculously too pleased. I scowl, a snarl threatening to rip out my throat.
"Phew!" interjects another equally familiar whimsical voice. "Talk about cutting it close, Pete."
"Good job Pete," Peter says mockingly, his voice imitating Charlotte's resonating pitch perfectly in all its whimsicality. "You sure stopped Jasper from making the dumbest mistake yet."
Of course, that earns him a loud smack to the back of the head from Charlotte, who smiles at me as she does so, without so much as batting an eyelid.
Meanwhile, I'm frowning and growling with a savage scowl on my face as I dust myself off. "What the hell was that for?" I bark indignantly.
"Thank you for that, Pete," Peter retorts mockingly, imitating my drawl this time around. "You are the best friend a vamp can have."
"I'll thank you when I know why the hell you did that." Again, I scowl. "Be glad that there're not a scratches on Bella." Peter's smirk falters. "Otherwise, I'd have to have your head ripped clean off your shoulders."
"Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed today," Charlotte observes. "This is the first time you greet us with threats from the get-go." I blink at her, not amused.
"But I like my head right where it is…" grumbles Pete over Charlotte, whining for all intents and purposes. "It's already clean."
"I change my mind," I sneer, "I'll just burn you."
"Handsome, stop scowling so much, you'll break the spell of eternal youth and get wrinkles," Charlotte admonishes and removes some dirt that I'd missed from my shoulders before patting my cheek affectionately. "You shan't be leaving me husbandless today, so don't even think–"
"Okay, I reconsidered," Peter interjects with a click of his tongue while looking at his nails and buffing them on his shoulder. "I'll allow you, dear friend, the honor of my extermination." Knowing where this is going, I groan. "But only if you promise to sing 'Burn Baby, Burn' while dancing around my pyre."
Annoyed, I sigh and pinch the bridge of my nose with my thumb and forefinger, trying to ignore Peter. Sometimes, his nonchalance can get the better of me. I hang my head. If I continue to stare at the moron, I might get tempted to just give in and start rearranging his features. On the other hand... that might not be such a bad idea.
"Will you stop intentionally aggravating him?" Charlotte hisses, punching his left forearm. "You're seriously not helping your cause, darling husband..."
"Ouch! Babe, that's harsh," Peter pouts, rubbing his left arm. "Besides, he's so tease-able." As you can tell, Peter's reasoning is beyond a little off. "What will you have me do when he makes it so easy? Can you blame me, Babe?" Charlotte raises a condescending brow. Peter is unaffected. "You agree, don't you?" Charlotte huffs but I can tell she's trying not to smirk and laugh. I glare at her and she practically leers at me. "And don't forget, I don't see him enough… so I kinda have to make up for lost time." Clearly, the man is a train wreck. "And I honestly thought we were going for the bad cop, good cop routine here. When did our game plan change anyway, Char?"
"You are incorrigible," she mutters. "Suit yourself, it's your pyre." Charlotte shrugs. "Give me a minute or two and I'll just go find you the necessary wood and some matches, Jasper." She smirks savagely at me. "I've changed my mind." She leers and I practically shiver. "I'd like to help with the proceedings."
"In that case, forget the matches," I say. "I'm as resourceful as a boy scout with some dry leaves and twigs."
Charlotte winks. "You got it cowboy."
"Now you're the one not helping babe..." whines Peter, glancing nervously between the two of us and looking ready to bolt if I so decide to take Charlotte up on her offer... which, I just might.
"Jasper, just say the word..." Charlotte singsongs. Smirking, I nod. Charlotte makes a go for it, but Peter is already holding onto both of her forearms, having anticipated her move.
"Seriously woman!" How you like them eggs, Pete? "He hasn't said 'the word'! What you moving for?"
"He did give me 'the nod' though," Charlotte counters, hands on her hips and fingers drumming a staccato beat. "Right, cowboy?" she asks, glancing over her shoulder at me.
Let me not tempt her any more, she so would do it, because she's scary like that.
"It is tempting…" I muse, leering at Peter over Charlotte's shoulder. "But, nah, forget it." Charlotte pouts her disappointment and Peter looks so relieved that it almost, almost, makes me change my mind again –just to mess with him and give him a taste of his own medicine.
Regardless, I digress. If I give them an inch and let them keep at it, between all their bickering, I won't be getting any answers today. Right now, answers are more pressing on my mind.
"Now here's a reasonable man," praises Peter. I scowl. "This is what you should be learning from him, dearie."
Before he's even done with his sentence, Charlotte is applying corporate punishment and offering me an embarrassed smile, before I'm once again tempted to do so myself. "He's still in training."
"What training?" Peter asks dumbly, nursing his head. Y'all are gonna have to forgive him; Peter's always been a little slow on the uptake. Suppressing a snicker, I get back to business.
"Explain," I order, "NOW." I think I have a headache… "Before I decide to start making good on my promises..."
"I think Jasper has gotten bossier since we last saw him, what do you think Char?" If I didn't know any better, I would have thought he was talking about the weather. "He's gotten bossier, right, right?"
"Just shut up and answer the damn question, Peter!" Charlotte and I bellow in exasperation.
"So much for a warm welcome," mumbles Peter under his breath, gazing at me reproachfully. "I was expecting at least one sloppy kiss…"
"If you hadn't stopped for that snack–" began Charlotte.
"Yeah, yeah, so you say–"
"Quite it," I interrupt, growing steadily impatient. "Both of you... Explain. Now." As an afterthought I add, "Please."
"Well, look at him Charlie!" exclaims Peter, "Aren't you proud? He's learned his manners!"
"So I hear." Charlotte chuckles, trying to hide her sardonic smile behind her hand at Peter's words but seeing my murderous gaze they both get serious. "I wonder who we'll have to thank for that."
"That's it," I groan. "I'm done here, I'm leaving. It's bad manners to keep a lady waiting."
I make to leave but before I can take a single step in Bella's direction, Peter's hand is on my right shoulder and Charlotte's is on my left. Seething, I glare at the two and they drop their hands to their sides immediately. A moment too late and they might have lost that limb; I was in that foul a mood. However, I don't try to leave again.
"Sorry," Charlotte offers, an apologetic grimace already upturning the left corner of her mouth. "Please stay, Major?"
I nod, clenching and unclenching my jaw to physically show my growing level of irritation. Because they sure are grimacing under the influence of my irritation as I allow it to manifest and cloak them with it. "Start talking," I suggest. "Bella's still waiting for me an I don't like to keep her waiting longer than necessary. We know what's out there waiting and she seems to have a knack for attracting trouble."
Pointedly, I glance between the two and they manage to look sheepish. I roll my eyes at them, not buying it. Tentatively, they offer me placating smiles. Sighing, I rule in my influence sporadically. "Start speaking. Now." I scowl. "Or do I have to find creative ways to get it out of you?" Crossing my arms over my chest, I wait impatiently for either one of them to speak up and provide me with the information I want to know –the reason behind their impromptu visit.
"No worries, cowboy, we've never been much for dramatics," Charlotte interjects the moment Peter looks like he's about to open his mouth, probably to say something not forthcoming. "Right, Peter?" she adds.
"Oh, alright. I'll give the man what he wants." Thank you! I mentally cheer, about damned time, too. "Look, she's not ready to hear your epic declaration of love, Major," Peter offers sagely, his tone is subdued and respectful.
"I have no idea what you're talking about," I mutter, looking away from the pair and their probing gaze. They know I'm lying. Hell, I know I'm lying. And they are gracious enough not to call me on it –for the time being.
"You are among friends, Whitlock, what's the point in pretending?" Charlotte says, not unkindly. Still, I grimace, tightlipped. "You can't fool us, even if you can fool yourself."
"That's the thing, I can't," I mutter bitterly.
"Then why bother trying?" she points out.
"Because I am not worthy of her," I confess. Ashamed, I avoid looking them in the eyes –I don't want to see the pity that I'm sure I'll find there.
"Look," Peter says patiently, "stop with all these negative thinking. We both know you can take on that copper-headed mind reader with both hands tied behind your back, Jasper."
"Thank you," I murmured begrudgingly. He flashed a dangerous smile that I reciprocated in appreciation. His faith in my abilities wasn't unfounded, after all.
"However," Peter continues, "that doesn't mean your human girl will appreciate how badass you can be." Frowning, I fidget in place, trying to see things from Peter's perspective. "Actually, most probably, she wouldn't forgive you if you allowed your emotions to get the better of you and did do something like that. You'd lose her forever, worst case scenario." I flinch at the picture Peter painted and my hands curled into trembling fists at my sides. "You do know that, right Major?" Curtly, I nod, acknowledging his words. "Your girl needs to sort things out for herself without you getting her feathers ruffled, or burdening her with a confession like that." At the idea that my confession might be a burden to Bella, I flinch. "At ease not before she's ready."
Not before she's ready? I think, feeling a small silver of hope tugging at my navel. Encouraged by the prospect of a hopeful future, I looked up and met the eyes of my oldest friends in turn. First Peter and then Charlotte and as if they knew what I was asking, they each nodded their encouragement. There's still some hope –I can still hope.
"And that is why we had to stop you the way we did," Charlotte interjected. "Otherwise, you would have rushed into something that she isn't ready for and ruined any chance at true friendship with your impatience, much less a chance at something more… Honestly, I'm sympathetic," she admits.
"How so?" I wonder.
"I know how difficult and frustrating it must be for you, being so hyperaware of your feelings and not being able to express them when the object of your affection is constantly in front of you."
I nod. "Very frustrating. It's like she's flaunting it in my face, all of the things I'll desire and can never have…"
"Especially when they do something that just takes your breath away and just when you think you are done falling and there's just no way you can possibly fall in love with them any more than you already have," Peter says, a far away look illuminating his crimson eyes, "they catch you unawares, and the deeper you fall."
"That's when the words 'I love you' are constantly at the tip of your tongue," Charlotte says, taking over where Peter left off, "but you have to hold your horses and wait." I sigh, nodding my understanding. "Besides, going in the direction you were going, it would have been a disaster. You were aiming for resentment and there's no coming back from that."
"Seriously?" I breathe, hoarse.
Charlotte shrugs. "Us women can hold grudges like it's nobody's business, if given the ammunition."
"Well," I mumble, "isn't that's just great."
"It's fantastic!" Peter puts in, giving Charlotte an appraising look. Shaking her head, Charlotte ignores him and taking a page from her book, so do I.
"So that's why you're here…" I murmur, glancing between the two and frowning as Charlotte nods solemnly. "I should have known…" Sighing, I grumble, "Seriously, something's gotta change when you visit. 'Cause you two never bring good news with you."
"I'll pretend that's your very callous way of saying that you've missed us, Jasper," Charlotte says, mock stern and hugs me. "We've missed you too."
One armed, I hug Charlotte back and chuckle at her antics. Glancing at Peter, I raise a brow in question and open my arms wide in invitation for a hug. "How about that kiss, Pete?" Charlotte snickers and with lightning speed moves behind her husband, pushing him in my direction. For about a second, Peter pretends to look offended at my words before–
"I'm not one for gloating, much," Peter shrugs, smirking, "but you owe us big time, Major." I roll my eyes and making sure he's distracted enough to not see me moving, I grab and chuck a log at him. Too bad he's quick on his feet and avoids it. "Where the hell did that log come from?" he protests and glances at the log, now complete smithereens, as Charlotte and I laugh. "I think it actually nicked me!"
"Oh, you, stop your whining," chides Charlotte, inspecting him so he would shut up. "See?" She studies his right arm, gliding her fingers over his muscled forearms and feeling the muscles and sinew reacting under her expert touch. He shivers and she smirks, to which Peter responds with an impish grin. "There's nothing there." Peter pouts. "You're made of tougher stuff than steel, baby."
"I'll remember this, Whitlock," Peter warns ominously, looking my way. "One of these days I'll make you pay..."
"I'll consider that a promise," I tease. "I'll be waiting and ready." And because I know it'll aggravate him, I wink at him.
Peter scowls, for a change. "Whatever..." Yup, it still does the trick. I smirk.
"Aww, look at you boys!" Charlotte coos. "You sure know how to make your mamma proud!"
"And you sure know how to make us embarrassed," Peter shudders. I laugh and he smiles.
"You know you like it," Charlotte says suggestively.
I clear my throat before things get out of hand, again, and bring their easily wandering attention back to me. "Thank you girls, you've served your Major well," I smirk, hands behind my back and standing at-ease. "Satisfied?"
"So, does that mean no kiss?" Charlotte asks and walks over to Peter. Looking up at Peter pleadingly with wide and innocent eyes, she casually tucks herself under his arm.
"Any time," says Peter, saluting, walking over with Charlotte, who's still tucked under his right arm, and putting his other arm over my shoulders.
"I bet…" I mutter darkly but he ignores me.
"He turned me off so he ain't getting lucky today," he says and I wink at him again. Before he can fall in her tramp, however, Peter looks away. Smart man, I think, very much amused.
"You can be such a pain," I inform him, pleasant smile in place. "Did you know that, brother?"
"I think you've mentioned it before, come to think of it…"
"I think I've done more than mention it."
"Well, I don't mean to put a stop to your bro-mance. Trust me, I really don't," Charlotte interrupts, practically chirping. "But I really must. 'Cause now that we've all kissed and made up, don't you think we should get going?"
"Uh…" I stall. "Parting so soon?"
Charlotte blinks up at me, smirking, and dodging under Peter's arm, she comes around to my left side and loops an arm around mine. "Don't you think it's about time we show your distressed girl you're still in one piece?"
"Oh..." Suddenly, I'm not so sure about this. I swallow uncomfortably. "You were actually planning on meeting her?"
"Of course!" Charlotte rolls her eyes at me, shaking her head like I'm stupid or something. "We've come a long way."
"Yup!" Peter pipes up. "You'll have to introduce us. And if you don't–
"Why do you think I followed this idiot and came all the way here for?" Charlotte continues, cutting off the now pouting Peter. "Not just to see your sweet ass, that's for sure." Smirking, she purrs, "You're just the added bonus..."
"I don't know about you, but my pride is a little dented," Peter mutters, rather loudly. Charlotte sticks her tongue out at him behind my back. As if that would stop me from guessing that much.
"Uh... Thanks, I think," I manage, running my fingers through my hair. "And no, Peter, I think my ego just went up a notch."
"Oh, sure, 'cause you're in need of an ego boost," he grumbles. I smirk. Peter pretends to bristle rather convincingly.
"Lead the way, Major," Charlotte cuts in before I can say anything else to Peter, reminding us that we have to be on our way.
"After you then," Peter says.
"Siganme si están conmigo niñas," I say and we are on our way.
…
"You think she'll like me?" Peter muses as he catches a glimpse of Bella through the clutter of pines.
We're still too far away for my taste but every now and then I catch small glimpses of her as well, even though I can't tell what she's feeling.
Also, her scent keeps getting stronger, which is surprising, considering we are going down wind at the moment. Casually, I glance over at Peter, gauging how serious he is and I'm surprised to see that he is a little more serious than usual. He seems genuinely troubled at the prospect of Bella not liking him, which is an impossible outcome.
"You can be such an insecure little girl sometimes, babe," Charlotte sighs, tone fond as she pokes fun at him.
"And you can be such a–"
"What's not to like?" I press on before their bickering can build momentum and start up again.
"My point exactly," Charlotte agrees.
"If you say so," Peter huffs but his goofy smile gives him away, he's been placated.
"Let's keep moving," I say, speeding us along.
…
…
Fifteen Seconds Later;
…
"Is it just my colorful imagination or–?"
"Shut up, Peter!" Charlotte and I cut him off, laughing as he pouts.
"I was just trying to make an observation…"
"I think it'll benefit all of us if you keep your observations to yourself, Peter," I say patiently. And as he goes to open his mouth again, I add, "And no, we don't care to play 'I Spy' again, we didn't pay in the first place." Peter huffs but thankfully stays quiet, for now.
"Honestly, I love the man, but he sure is incorrigible," Charlotte mutters in my ear.
Nodding, I smile fondly. "I know what you mean."
"He's still mine though."
"I wasn't planning on taking him away..."
"Good."
"Good," I add, smiling as Bella's fresh scent hits my nose before I even set my eyes on her pacing form.
"Well, isn't she just mouthwatering," hums Charlotte.
"Indeed," agrees Peter, a low continuous sound vibrating in his chest.
"Now, now, girls," I admonish. "I'm not above being selfish and I'm certainly not into sharing." Inhaling her scent, I lick my lips and add, "She's mine."
"Not quite," Peter counters in a harmless tone. I growl and the sound ricochets, making the leaves and pine needles bristle. Charlotte tenses but Peter is the picture of nonchalance as he explains, saying, "Just pointing out the truth."
"You know he means no harm," Charlotte sooths, trying to calming the beast.
Slightly appeased, I nod. "I know." I inhale. "Sorry Pete."
"No harm, no foul, man." Peter shrugs. "But I'll make sure to keep my hands to myself."
"That would be wise," snorts Charlotte.
I snicker. "Indeed."
"You two seriously need to stop making me feel like the odd man out," Peter pouts, looking disgruntled. "What's with the ganging up on Peter you guys got going on?"
"He never changes, does he?" I ask Charlotte, amusement shining in my eyes and seeping through my tone.
"What now?!" Peter groans.
"Sadly, no," Charlotte sighs dramatically. "He's still slow on the uptake."
"Now, what does that mean?"
"So sad..." I say gravely, shaking my head in mock dismay and pat Peter on the back consolingly. Peter gapes, befuddled. "I still think highly of you, you know?"
"What does that even mean?" Peter wonders.
Charlotte tries very hard not to laugh and fails miserably. I join her in laughter and Peter silently fumes but I can see the tell-tale twitch of a smile tugging at the corners of his lips as Charlotte reaches out and musses his hair.
Feasting my eyes on Bella as we break through the thicket of pine trees at that very moment, I feel tension leaving my body in waves that causes the pine needles at our feet to rustle. Peter and Charlotte glance between Bella and me inquisitively as if they've never witnessed anything more curious in their travels.
The closer we get, the more at ease I feel and the feeling intensifies the moment she makes an about-face to continue her pacing and all her movements halt as she sees us coming. In that moment her heart skips a beat, accelerating and her face transforms into a welcoming smile. The drum of her heartbeat echoes welcomingly in my ears and I feel my feet trying to match its frantic rhythm.
Peter and Charlotte inhale sharply as Bella's scent thickens in the air. Glancing at them, I give them a warning look and they stop breathing, smiling tightly but very curious. This is what I was afraid of –Peter and Charlotte's ever growing curiosity.
Hastening my steps, I break free from Peter and Charlotte's grasp in an attempt to get to Bella's side quicker and ease her fears. The next moment, Bella is also on the move, trying to meet me halfway.
"Jasper!" The relief in Bella's voice is as strong as her sense of utter confusion and concern. Somehow, it immediately sets me at ease.
"I'm coming to you," I say. Of course, Bella ignores my words and continues walking toward me, not caring that I have another two vampires trailing behind me.
"Are you alright?" She's running now. "Is everything alright?" She halts, eyes somewhere over my shoulders. "And, who are they?"
"Don't mind them," I say dismissively. She looks uncertain. "They're with me," I explain, finally reaching her. "Friends," I add, caressing her cheek with my knuckles and smiling as her eyes take in Peter and Charlotte and their very red eyes before coming back to mine.
"Oh…" she breathes and glances back up at me, leaning into my touch.
"And yes, I'm alright." For effect, I smile and take a step back, letting her look at me. Critically, she gives me the once-over and seeing me unharmed, nods her assent. I reach for her again, caressing and cupping the apple of her cheek with my palm. "You don't need to worry." As soon as I say the words, I realize that she isn't. "I'm back."
"Welcome back," she says warmly and my navel gives this funny tug that vibrates all around my stomach, melting me like butter on the inside. Feeling slightly tortured, I sigh a long suffered sigh.
"And so it begins," Peter says wickedly.
"There you go, ruining the moment again," Charlotte chastises.
I roll my eyes, shaking my head. Bella giggles and glances around me at the two.
"Well, since it seems that Jasper has forgotten his manners somewhere in the woods back there, I now shall do the un-cool thing and introduce myself," Peter says, addressing Bella after sending a dirty look my way. "Hi, I'm Peter." He smiles, eyes filled with mischief. "I'm not an alcoholic –maybe a bloodaholic, you could say, is more accurate." Charlotte and I groan but he ignores us, continuing, "But I'm not in therapy for that, not yet anyway." Winking, Peter takes a few steps closer until he's standing right behind me and leaning over my shoulder toward Bella, whispers conspiratorially, "I think Jasper thinks I need help but, honestly, ocher isn't really my color."
"Terrible joke," I bemoan. Charlotte chortles, trying to conceal her laughter behind her hand as she draws closer as well and halts just over my left shoulder. Side stepping me, she takes a better look at Bella and murmurs something to Peter that I can't catch. However, Peter nods in agreement and smiles fondly at his wife without Bella realizing that there's another conversation taking place.
Bella laughs, eyes brimming with mirth. "Nice to meet you, Peter," she greets, smiling winningly. "I'm Isabella. But I like to be called Bella."
"Charlotte here, Bella. I'm a Vampire and Peter's mate," Charlotte contributes, flashing a dangerous, slow smile and waving casually. "Pleasure."