A/N: Hi everyone, I'm sorry for the delay on this chapter but I have been feeling a little down recently and I have had this chapter written up on paper for a while and have only just bothered to type it up so I apologise for my laziness. Anyway, on with the chapter! P.s I apologise for the lack of hayffie in this chapter :(

The heat is insufferable.

Even from my place in the shade I can feel the sweat building up on my palms. So much so that I have to wipe them on my silk skirt and hope that it doesn't leave a mark.

This isn't like the normal Reaping's. The mayor isn't giving his usual speech on the Dark Days and origins of the Hunger Games and is instead seated on a chair at the opposite side of the stage to myself, occasionally fanning himself with his hat.

I don't feel nervous; I'm not at all sure what I feel to be perfectly honest. There is an almost constant feeling of nausea knotting around my stomach but it has been there for days now and comes in waves whenever I think of the victors.

Given the opportunity, I would gladly run away from the Reaping all together but my chances of escape would be fairly remote as there is what seems like hundreds of guards situated on rooftops of buildings, guns trained on the victors turn tributes and audience should someone step out of line.

The majority of the District has turned out to watch the event in a roped off section towards the back of the square, ladies fanning themselves with their hands and men's best shirts wilted in the blistering sun.

Aside from an occasional shuffle in the crowd, everything is eerily silent. The whole of Panem watches as the three lone victors from District Twelve are put at risk once again.

This is it, the mayor nods his head as a signal for me to take to the stage and I do so with legs that feel as if they could give way at any minute.

The shade was positively cold in comparison to the exposure of the stage and I have to squint as I approach the looming glass bowls and microphone at the centre of the stage.

I pause and take a moment to clear my throat before I begin to speak.

"Welcome ladies and gentlemen to this, the Reaping of the seventy-fifth annual Hunger Games or as many of you know it, the third Quarter Quell." My voice reverberates off the dilapidated buildings of the square and I try to smile but it probably comes out as more of a grimace as I am in no mood to be happy.

"Now then, as we are under a strict time limit today, I will get straight to the drawings. And as usual, ladies first."

I lack my usual enthusiasm as I totter over to the girls Reaping bowl and precariously reach my hand inside. I have to hold onto the side of the bowl and claw around in order to grasp the one small slip of paper that everyone knows has Katniss Everdeen's name written across it.

If it weren't for the severity of the situation, I'm fairly certain that Haymitch would be laughing at me but when I look towards the victors for the first time today, I see Peeta staring intently at the boys Reaping bowl as if by looking at it would somehow shatter it. Katniss is watching me as I try and catch her name and then you have Haymitch kicking up small clouds of dust, hands in pockets. Honestly! Has no one ever taught him about appearance in public?

I eventually grasp the piece of paper and cross over to the microphone, the sun glaring brutally into my eyes. I open the paper and take a breath before speaking.

"Katniss Everdeen."

Before I have even passed the first syllable, Katniss is already making her way up the stone steps to the stage. A peacekeeper tries to take hold of her arm but she tugs it away quite forcefully and continues to the middle of the stage.

I don't move from my spot to congratulate her as I did last year, after all, what's to congratulate?

Next I cross over to the boy's bowl, a wave of nausea hitting me full on. Now I have to choose between a boy I care for very dearly or a man that it think I've fallen in love with – No, I can't think like that, I won't think like that. He is a colleague, nothing more.

I reach into the bowl and manage to grasp a piece of paper relatively quickly until I realise I've grabbed both pieces. I drop one of them without thinking and hope that I have made the right choice. Is there a right choice? Either way I could end up losing someone I care for profoundly.

I walk back to the microphone, open it up and say the name before I have time to react.

"Haymitch Abernathy." I have said it fast enough for the small noise at the back of my throat not to be heard.

Haymitch takes a step out of the roped off section but Peeta quickly takes his place, making it perfectly clear that he volunteers.

I let out a breath I wasn't aware I was holding and I don't know if this has relieved me somewhat or if it has made me feel even worse.

Again, I don't congratulate him as I see no need to. I step backwards and let them shake hands, adding to the guilty feeling in my chest.

I don't even sign off with my habitual 'may the odds be ever in your favour'; I just want to get out of here as quickly as possible.

I take them into the Justice Building where we are met by one of the peacekeepers from the district. "New procedure," he says with a smile and I wonder what he means but then Katniss and Peeta are taken out of the back doors and straight to a car.

"What, no goodbyes?" I ask somewhat angry.

"No, ma'am."

"But they both have families and – and friends that they will want to say goodb-"

"I don't make the rules here."

I give him a look and I am about to chastise him for lack of manners but I feel a firm yet gentle press on the small of my back. "Leave it Effie." I don't have to turn around to know who it is. Great, he had to be here.

Haymitch sends a glower at the peacekeeper and we head out of the rear entrance and into a car. Good, I think, I couldn't bear the walk in silence.

The car journey seems shorter than usual, making it just that bit more bearable but I can't help but think how peculiar it feels to not have the dense crowd of citizens of Twelve lining the streets as we go. Have they all been sent home? I couldn't see why.

The whole two minutes are spent in a deafening silence and as soon as we pull up to the station, I am the first out of the car and am almost at the train before Haymitch has time to catch up. We are ushered on board by peacekeepers, the doors are shut promptly and the wheels begin to turn.

Peeta and Katniss both swan past me into one of the cars containing chairs, tables and enough food and drink to keep them going until dinner.

I look around for Haymitch but he too has disappeared and lord only knows where he is.

I go straight to my compartment that is thankfully air conditioned. I suppose now would be a good time to curl up and cry but I don't. I am beyond sadness. I'm just…numb.

I kick off my shoes and sit down on my bed, the side nearest the window, and watch as District Twelve fades away.

I'm fairly certain that making Katniss and Peeta leave without goodbyes was President Snow's idea. He knew that by doing so, he would destroy them both from the inside-out, Katniss particularly.

I think back to her little sister and all the kindness she showed me when really I deserved none of it. She should hate me; at least if she did I would have one less thing to feel bad about.

I deserve to pay for all the lives I have taken away, all the families I have torn apart and that is something that I will take with me to my grave. I deserve to die.

I try to think how different things would have been if I hadn't drawn Prim's name last year. Katniss' family would still be living a normal life- they would be starving, yes, but starving is better than this. Anything is better than this.

Peeta would be dead, no question about it. If Cato hadn't killed him, he would've died from the infection in his leg with no Katniss to help him.

Maybe it would be better if they had both died in the first arena – as horrible as it sounds – but it would mean that they wouldn't have to go through it all again. Once is quite enough.

The tinkling of the crystal chandelier above my head as we round a bend brings me out of my thoughts and I see that the room is dark. I switch on the bedside lamp, look at the clock and, seeing that it is time for dinner, smooth out my skirt and head promptly down the corridor.

I knock on both Katniss and Peeta's doors but since neither answer, I have to presume they are either ignoring me or are already at the table. When I reach the dining car I see that the only people who have bothered to turn up are Haymitch and Peeta but soon after I have sat down, Katniss joins us.

The atmosphere around the table is repentant to say the least and the lengthy periods of silence are only interrupted by the servers bringing yet more food.

I am halfway through a lime and haddock fishcake when Peeta finally speaks up. "I love your new hair, Effie."

I look up from my plate and smile, though I am really in no mood to. "Thank you. I had it especially done to match Katniss' pin. I was thinking we might get you a golden ankle band and maybe find Haymitch a gold bracelet or something so we could all look like a team." Okay, maybe the last part was a bit of a stretch but seeing Haymitch wearing jewellery would be a site that not even the most serious person in Panem could resist laughing at.

"I think that's a great idea," chimes Peeta. "How about it, Haymitch?"

I switch my gaze to the other end of the table and see a very miserable looking Haymitch. "Yeah, whatever," he says as soberly as I've ever heard him. Come to think of it, Peeta did mention something over the phone about Haymitch going cold turkey for the training for the Quell but I didn't think it would last this long. He doesn't even have a glass of wine.

"Excuse me," I say to a passing server. "Could you possibly take this chardonnay away, it's not to my taste. Thank you."

Everyone round the table knows this is a lie, I've drained half a glass but considering Haymitch is making an effort, I decide that the last thing he needs is a distraction. Or maybe a distraction is exactly what he needs.

"Maybe we could get you a wig too," Katniss says with a grin and I let out an almost silent laugh at the mental image. A glare from Haymitch is enough to shut her up.

No one says anything after this and we all finish our desert in silence before regrouping in one of the cars with a television to watch the Reaping recaps.

From District One there are the radiant brother and sister duo, Cashmere and Gloss followed by Brutus and Enobaria from Two who apparently cannot wait to get back into the arena. Then we have the ladies choice Finnick Odair and his hysterical one true love Annie Cresta who is soon replaced by Mags, the octogenarian who needs a walking stick to get to the stage and probably won't last long.

Then there are the known morphling addicts, Ademia and Theron from Six who have to be pushed forward when their names are called because they are apparently too 'out of it' to realise what has just happened.

There are the memorable ones like Johanna Mason, the twenty-one year old victor from Seven who turned out to be quite the killer. Then Cecilia from Eight is called and her three children run up and cling to her. I sigh as I remember the conversation I had with her about the rising prices in babies' clothes in the Capitol. She was pregnant at the time and it must have been her second as her eldest looks to be about ten and it couldn't have been that long ago.

I don't recognise the tributes from Ten but then Seeder and Chaff are called from District Eleven. I glance over at Haymitch but his face is void of any emotion.

Then I call Katniss, Haymitch and Peeta volunteers and then somebody turns off the television.

Haymitch leaves the car without another word and I, after bidding goodnight to Katniss and Peeta, do likewise.

I don't go straight to bed; I need something to settle my stomach. I seek out a cup of tea and when I find one, I sit down in one of the chairs and sip it quietly.

My serenity is rudely interrupted as Haymitch staggers into the compartment. "You gonna tell me why you're in such a shit mood?"

"I don't think you are really one to talk Haymitch."

I take note of the wine bottle in his hand and sigh. "I see you're giving up on sobriety." I take a sip of tea.

"Yes, it's not to my taste." He gives me a look and I can't help but smile.

"I'm funny aren't I sweetheart?" he grins cockily as though he is impressed at his own joke and I roll my eyes, wiping the smile from my face.

"You're hysterical." I retort and he gasps.

"I thought sarcasm was a breach in etiquette." He strolls further into the room and I huff. He's trying to test me.

"And I thought that all that alcohol would've destroyed your liver by now but I suppose that makes me wrong as well, doesn't it." He clutches his chest in mock pain and I scowl, picking up my tea from the table and heading toward the door but he grabs my wrist, pulling me back and risking the tea spilling.

"You didn't answer my question." He sounds almost sober again and I yank my wrist free. I am about to ask him why he cares so much but I probably already know the answer.

"I'm just sad; it's been a hard day. For everyone." I try and leave but he speaks before I can.

"Let me rephrase that. Why won't you talk to me?"

"I'm talking to you now aren't I?" he gives me an exasperated look.

"You know that's not what I meant."

"Maybe I just didn't have anything to say."

I leave him with those words and head off to bed before I can do something stupid like kiss him.

A/N: Okayyy there we have it! Again, I apologise for the lack of fluff in this chapter but I really wanted to show the difficult side of their relationship because let's face it, it isn't easy (especially with President Snow and all) but there might be more in the next chapter, I'm not sure. Okay, here comes the nagging… pretty pretty please keep reviewing *puppy dog eyes* they really do mean everything to me so please keep on! If I could reach 100 reviews by the end of this story, I would be the happiest person on earth but that is all down to you now guys. Omg I hate nagging, I feel all horrible :( all that aside, let me know what you think and look out for chapter 20 (wow!)

~ H x