Roy Mustang, Hopeless Romantic
Ed sat at the table holding his knees and sucking his thumb. How can I write porn?! He started rocking back and forth, eyes glazing over. Roy walked into the adjoining kitchen and amusedly noticed the state Ed was in.
"Are you still hung up on the porn thing?"
"How can people write it? It's so private, and there's embarrassing words and embarrassing sounds and stuff! Why, oh why, did I have to write myself into a yaoi corner?!"
"Ed… stop being such a pussy and write the damn porn."
Ed wiped his tears and said, "Okay, I'll try, I guess."
"Good uke." Roy patted Ed's head and walked back to his typewriter with a glass of water.
Hmm… what should happen to Bryna and Brogan now?
Brogan reached down to explore Bryna's body, fingers touching and stroking, and awkwardly attempting to unhook Bryna's bra.
Oh, shit! How do women put these things on everyday! Alright, one's unhooked! Now for the second- ah, crap, the first one's hooked again! Ah, come on!
By now, Bryna was getting impatient.
"Just let me unhook the damn thing!"
She reached behind herself and unsnapped her bra one-handed. Brogan just stared at her, wide mouthed.
How'd she do that?
"Agh, let's just DO IT already!"
Bryna and Brogan packed the few belongings they had on them and continued on their way to usurp Bryna's tyrannical father. They skipped arm and arm in the woods, singing all the way.
About three hours later, when both Bryna and Brogan were fairly convinced they were hopelessly lost, they heard the sound of a white horse galloping in their direction.
"Do you hear a white horse coming this way?"
"Yeah, I do. How queer."
A moment later, they saw a large white steed trot up to them, bearing one of the most handsome men Bryna had ever seen. The mysterious stranger had luxurious black hair that fell to his eyes in the front and his ears on the side. His eyes were such a velvety shade of midnight blue she swore she could see the depths of the universe in them. He had sensuous lips and crystal clear, perfect skin. When he spoke, it was as if God himself had become a soft-jazz radio DJ, hand-feeding dark chocolate to her starving ears.
The mysteriously desirable visitor spoke. "Are you Princess Bryna?"
Bryna, stunned into silent eargasm by the sound of her name on the overwhelmingly sensual lips of this seraphic stranger, took a few moments to respond.
"Oh. Oh, why yes, yes I am. Did you need me to do something for you, because you know I'll do just about... anything." She batted her eyelashes, licked her lip, and twirled her hair, displaying her breasts with even more fervor than usual.
"Oh, thank heavens! I'm your guardian, Ron, and I've got urgent news for you!"
"Oh…go on."
"You're in terrible danger!"
"Keep talking."
Brogan, none too happy that his woman was flirting with some random, though inexplicably attractive, stranger, showing off her goodies and making an ass out of herself, spoke his piece.
"Bryna, snap out of it! You don't even know this oddly magnetic bishonen! And he says you're in danger! Maybe you should hear him out, this Adonis of a man."
"Thank you, servant boy.
"Hey!"
"I was sent by your mother to find you. She has been tracking your father's Fares for many moons, and says all they've been up to this point has been to lull you into a false sense of security to trap you and this servant boy you've taken to traveling with."
"You bastard, I'll kill you!"
"Anyway, Princess Bryna, it would be my honor to protect you."
"Well, if it would be your honor, who am I to deny you?"
"A wise choice. Would you ride with me?"
"It would be my pleasure."
Brogan reluctantly boosted Bryna up to Ron's horse, kneeling on all fours and grunting when Bryna stepped on him with little dignity, after a rather decisive order from his (estranged?) lover.
"You shall sit in front of me, oh Beautiful Ruler."
"Very well."
She sat in front of him in his saddle, probably a bit closer than necessary, loving his strong, muscular, yet tender, arms wrapped around her, to reach the reins. Brogan intensely disliked the sight, and actually vomited when he saw Bryna whisper something to Ron and giggle, while Ron smiled.
"How'd you survive so long with such a weak-minded, incompetent servant boy this whole time?"
"Well… he had his purpose."
Brogan thought he would vomit again.
Okay, I can do this! Ed thought, doing some deep breathing exercises. I am a writing machine! He did some toe-touches.
"I… am… Spartacus! Of yaoi!"
"Attaboy! Now, how about you write some for me?" Roy shouted from his typewriter.
Ed blushed when he noticed he'd said that aloud.
"Oh… uh, alright. I'll get right on that." He then proceeded to boil another packet of delicious chicken ramen.
When night came, the three of them slept together on the single blanket amongst them. Bryna lay between the men, her back fully to Brogan, who was now on the verge of tears. Bryna wrapped her arms around Ron, stroking his leg with her foot, nuzzling her head into his shoulder. Ron held her hand close to his chest as he slept. Brogan just rolled over and took care of himself, weeping.
When Brogan awoke the next morning, he noticed he'd somehow become entangled in Ron's arms. What he tried not to notice was how safe he felt there. After a quick moment, he removed himself from the situation and noticed Bryna was gone- by herself.
Oh, no! What about the Fares!?
He shouted to Ron. "Hey, dipshit! Our Beautiful Ruler is gone! And alone!"
"Well, that's a fine kettle of fish! I suppose all we can really do is search for her…. Hey, what's this? It appears to be some sort of ransom note."
"That's exactly what it is."
I have the girl. If you ever want to see her again,
You'd better get your fat fanny over to the
Clearing we fought in and apologize for being
such a bloody jerkface to me!
Your Friend,
Dread Pirate Richards
"Again? Holy shit, you've GOT to be SHITTING me!"
"The two of you have met before?"
"Maybe a couple of times. Anyway, let's just go rescue my ex-girlfriend."
Okay, I AM Yaoi Spartacus! I can do this! I will get to the money shot!
But not yet.