Hopeless Romantic

"Wait, wait- she was your girlfriend?" The surprised Ron asked, in a surprised manner.

"Yeah, she was." Brogan put special emphasis on the last word.

"And she carried on that way with me anyway?"

"She sure did."

"Whoa. Sorry, dude. I didn't mean to get all up in your action like that."

"Whatever."

They came upon the now-familiar clearing, met with the now-familiar sight of Bryna, bound and gagged atop Dread Pirate Richards' giant, black, menacing, evil, glowy-eyed steed.

"Brogan! Ron! Thank Odin you've come for me!"

Through the gag, though, it sounded more like, "Oh-ahn! Won! 'Ank owen yoovum 'er me!"

"Three snaps in a z-formation!" Spake Ron, making precisely that motion he just said. "You, sistah, are a woman, and thus must not speak till spake to! Besides, I have something that must be said: you and I are over, honey!" The look on the shocked woman's face was undeniably of shock.

"What?!" ("Huaa?!")

"That's right, beezy! Brogan told all about the history you two had, as well as your disgusting hussy habits! I will continue to protect you for it is my duty, but I simply cannot carry on with you as I have for the past… eighteen hours. Also-"

He paused for dramatic effect.

"I'm with Brogan now." He stepped to the side and looped arms with the Fabio look-alike, except he was totally way better looking than Fabio. In fact, Fabio was jealous.

"What?!" Bryna, Brogan, and Richards all shouted in surprise, whipping their heads around really fast so that you could that whoosh-y sound. Had they been drinking, they surely would have spit in surprise.

"Yes. That is, if he'll have me." Ron got down on one knee and produced a small box, seemingly from nowhere, containing a gorgeous ring.

"What do you say, Bro-Bro?"

"Well… Ron… I'm… flattered. I think we should take care of business before we get down to it."

"Of course, of course," Ron said, putting the ring back wherever he'd pulled it from, and swiveled towards Richards.

"Unhand my client's daughter at once, you lascivious fiend, or suffer my bisexual wrath!"

; - ;

Ed, feeling as though he'd grown cojones in the past few minutes, sat down to his forgotten noodles and began to write his porn.

"Roy! I'm done! Want to see?"

Roy ran quickly ran in quickly, eager to read the hot smut he was sure his lover had written.

He sat in Ed's chair, holding the yellow legal pad Ed had attempted to write in. Though eager at first, he soon became disappointed; Ed had replaced all the dirty words with dashes!

Alagan's hands ran all over Alary's body, causing shivers to course through his entire body, especially along his - and in his -. Blissfully receiving the attention, Alary threw his head back as Alagan - and - his -. He suddenly felt fingers gently prodding at his -, stretching and scissoring. He turned over at Alagan's request, fingers replaced by a - - -, that - and - , and he couldn't get enough. Shivering, he - - - - -. Sated, he fell back exhaustedly, as Alagan continued - and - until he felt the sticky, warm fluid from Alagan's - - release inside his -.

"Uh…Ed?" The blond looked up expectantly. "This…" He said, tapping the pad, "isn't porn."

"What?! Are you sure?" Ed narrowed his eyes suspiciously.

"Well… you can't just leave a blank where the doyty woyds need to be! If you do that, then it's just yaoi mad libs. Not that those aren't fun sometimes. Am I right, Cheryl*?" Roy referenced his own favorite fan fiction author, inventor of said yaoi mad libs, and a woman quite gifted at writing sexy porn as well as lovely …not porn. Roy returned his attention to Ed's dilemma.

"Aw, shucks! Now I have to rewrite the whole thing!" "Papi, es no problema! I'll just have to show you how it's done, mi amigo!"

Softly singing, "La cuca! Rrrraaacha!" to himself, having randomly adopted that tasty Latino spice, he sashayed to his typewriter, throwing in a little cha-cha step.

Floating down to his most comfy typing chair, he fed a fresh piece of paper into his typewriter, preparing to show Ed just what he needed to know.

"See, just watch!"

Ed did just that, staring intently as Roy worked his pr0nzy magic.

"I see what you were getting at- let's just try this, though."

Alagan ran his hands delicately over Alary's body, causing shivers to course through his body and excited heat to pool in his cock. Blissfully receiving the attention, Alary threw his head back as Alagan took the entirety of his lover's cock into his mouth, licking along the shaft. trails of saliva cooled as he removed his mouth, a warm hand replacing it. He pumped up and down slowly, delighting in the unabashed pleasure on the face of his usually reserved lover; the lidded eyes, gaping mouth and heavy breathing letting him know he was doing it right. He took a bottle of lube from his bedside table, coating his fingers with it, and gently prodded at Alary's entrance, stretching him slowly. He inserted another finger, exploring, searching for that one perfect spot. Alary's cry let him know he'd brushed it, and he inserted a third finger. He started scissoring and branching his fingers out, making Alary cry out again, this time louder. He drew them out, gripping his own sex, pumping for a few moments. He aligned himself with Alary, pushing in, allowing him to adjust. After a moment, he pulled out and pushed back in, slowly easing himself deep into the other man. His pace quickened gradually, momentum building. He found Alary's spot once again, taking advantage. "Oh!" He practically sang. Alagan brushed the spot again, and Alary went into orbit. The more delicate man came, and Alagan continued pumping until Alary felt the warm, sticky mess inside him. They collapsed onto the bed, Alagan kissing his partner's neck and stroking his hair. They lay there for a while, until cleaning up and falling asleep together.

Ed looked on, his mouth hanging wide open.

"Uh…"

"Yes?" Roy smirked, as he could see how his erotica, truthfully the only thing he had any skill at writing (not that he knew that), had affected his young lover.

"Uh… can Brona and Bryan or whatever wait for a few minutes?" He approached Roy hungrily, practically humping his leg. Roy thought, yes, I do believe Brianne and Brodon can wait a few- but by then he was already snogging Ed's face.

; - ;

Five wet, sloppy, horny minutes later, Roy refastened his belt, tucked in his shirt and sat back at his typewriter, which he had taken to calling "Bertha." He was terribly excited about his new twist! Roy- excuse me, Ron- had just proposed to Brogan! The drama! The conflict! Oh, the possibilities!

"Unhand my client's daughter at once, you lascivious fiend, or suffer my bishie-sexual wrath!"

"Who's gonna make me?" Richards then stuck out his tongue in a most unbecoming fashion, squinting his eyes as well.

Rolling his sleeves up, Ron flexed his most becomingly muscley biceps.

"How about Grabby?" He indicated his left arm. "And Squeezy?" He pointed to his right. The look on his face threatened death at any sign of defiance.

"Not Grabby and Squeezy!" Dread Pirate Richards gave Ron a look of genuine terror. "Okay, okay, take her, take her!" Brogan grabbed her and swiftly untied her.

"Aw, man, I suck at piracy! I should just stick to illegally downloading Lady Gaga**." He kicked the dirt and climbed on his freaky horse, riding off into the sunset. At three in the afternoon.

"Oh, Brogan, you rescued me! I love you! I love you so much!" She kissed all over his face, leaving lip prints in Revlon Cherry in the Snow on his face.

"Hey, that's not fair! Last night when Ron showed up, you were all over him! You, like, totally ignored me! You know, you can't just, like, expect me to be okay with this!"

"That's fair, I guess. But what if I-" she whispered something in his ear, something that surely must have been promises of a most erotic and sensual nature.

"Okay. I'm okay with it." He kissed her lips… erotically.

"Good." They kissed again… also erotically.

"But… what about my marriage proposal?" Ron gave them both the most adorable puppy eyes.

"Oh, yeah. Um… let's see. I think we can work something ou- " All of a sudden, the Fares burst out of the forest!

"We are the knights of the squarish table! We do the best that we are able! From North to South, from East to West, we are the knights who are the best!"

"I am Long Knight!"

"I am Short Knight!"

"I am Dark Knight!"

"And I am…White Knight!"

"Hand us the girl or we'll go all wang chung on your ass!"

"Yeah!" "Hand her over!"

"Hand her over or we'll never give you our Shikon jewel shards!"

Whispering into his friend's ear, one knight said, "That's the wrong show."

"Oh, yeah. Well, we'll never give you the One Ring either!"

"No."

"The Death Note? The real Kira?"

"Still no."

"Well… WE WON'T TELL YOU WHERE THE SIDEWALK ENDS!"

"That's not even a MacGuffin!"

"Philosopher's Stone?"

"Bingo."

"Yay, me!" He jumped up and down and clapped his hands.

During this exchange, Bryna, Brogan, and Won-won circled (triangled?) around the incompetent, distracted guards hired to catch Bryna, using the rope leftover from Dread Pirate Richards' inept attempts at kidnapping, and wrapped them all up, squishing them all together like a bunch of people being squished together.

"Isn't this getting a little old, Bryna?" He shoved their mouths full of fabric, gagging them.

"Yeah, it feels like we've done this a lot already."

"No matter. The important thing is, we have them captured. We should interrogate them to find out more of their plans."

"Good plan."

"You! You! Yes, you! What are your plans? Where are the others?"

"We are the elite Fares! The others were deemed too incompetent to complete the mission, and were sent back to do less strenuous duties."

"How do we know you're telling the truth?"

"Cross my heart and hope to die?"

"Not good enough."

"Yeah. I'd like it better if he actually died."

"HEY! Uh, well… The Flying Spaghetti Monster strike me dead if I'm lying?"

"No, I don't trust them. Well, that only leaves one option." Ron backed up, removed his sword from the sheath that he suddenly had, raised it above his head, and shouted, "WINDSCAR!" Bringing down it down with great force, sending a large, blue, glowy stream of light towards their prisoners.

"Aaaaggggghhhhhhhh!"

"See, see! I told you they'd want jewel shards!"

"Shut up!"

They didn't die, but their clothes were destroyed and their skin was now a lovely shade of lobster red. Windscar probably shouldn't work that way, but honestly, who gives a shit? Nobody, that's who.

"Now will you talk?" Ron smirked a smirk worthy of Roy Mustang.

"Yes, yes! Anything! Anything to keep you from doing… THAT again!"

"It's true! We really were deemed the only four competent enough to go on this mission! There are no more going after you! Your father has given up, and you will be allowed to marry your dreamy, roguish freedom fighter! Now, please, just let us go with our hides! We won't bother you! Waaaaaaaaaaaaah!" He cried. And cried. And cried some more. Then a little more. Then even more. And more, still.

"Your tears grow tiresome. Leave. Leave, I say! Never bother us again or… you know." He gestured at his sword.

"Yes, we know! Thank you, master, for deigning us fit to live!"

"Just barely. Now, get out of my sight!"

The four supposedly most competent Fares ran away like little sissies.