Chapter 2
Vincent,
I wish I could tell you how I felt when I saw those bloody rags on the counter in the boathouse. Terrified. Heartbroken. Guilty. Sad. But I know you're not happy with me right now (just as I'm not happy with you), so talking like this is as close as we're going to get. Maybe one day you'll read this and understand what I couldn't say to you face to face.
You blame me. I get it. At some point I hope with all my heart you'll change your mind and at least try to see things from my perspective. I love you. I have never loved anyone the way I have loved you. That counts for something. I feel connected to you more than I've ever felt for anyone before. But sometimes love has to take the hard road. The tough road. Will you ever believe I shot you out of love? I don't know. I pray you will. I just wish it had never come to that. But I can't take it back or change what's been done.
At least you had the strength to be angry with me. You're too stubborn to die and that greatly relieves my mind. You are someone very special. You deserve to grow old and live a full life, and I want with all my heart to be able to see that happen.
Until now I thought we were on the same side. I want to believe you still want the same things I do, but perhaps we both need time to figure that out.
So much has changed. I want you to know how much I miss you—miss us—but now obviously isn't the time. You need to figure out who you are—apart from me—and I must do the same. One day we may find ourselves on the same road again. Believe it or not, I hope that happens.
I'm glad you have Tori to help you. I really am. She needs you right now—your guidance. I understand that. I know you'll do your best to help her because that's who you are. And JT. I hope he will one day come to believe I'm not your enemy and we can all be friends again. We were quite a team, weren't we?
You know, when they took away my badge and gun earlier I thought, this is it. This is as low as one can go. But maybe that's a good thing—because it's only up from here.
Vincent, please don't hate me. I don't think I could handle that. Get well and thrive. I only want the best for you. As I watched you stand before the world and say your name, I stopped breathing. That was what we wanted for so long! I am so, so happy for you. It breaks my heart not to share it with you, but know how amazing that makes me feel. I don't know what the future holds. Obviously there are mysteries and people we still have to deal with, but you can live your life now—freely. It brings tears to my eyes every time I think of it.
I'm going to step back and give you space—the space we both need. And then maybe we can one day start again.
You'll never be far from my thoughts.
Catherine