"So you're just gonna be friends?"
Rickie and Angela were lying on her bed flicking through a magazine but neither was really paying attention to its content.
"Yeah. Well, not entirely, he kinda went back on it. He got sort of angry, I haven't seen him like that before,"
"Then you left,"
Angela groaned, and collapsed face down into the mattress and remained there, her groans muffled, before she quickly restored herself to her previous position, propped up on her elbow, "what am I afraid of?"
"Could it be about Rayanne, are you still angry with him?"
"I don't know, partly I guess," she turned another page of the magazine "partly it has to with Brian,"
"Brian? You mean about the letter?"
"Not exactly. I can't explain it, it's like this little niggling thought in my head," she took a moment to think, "there are just certain aspects of Brian that-, I mean obviously on balance he drives me insane but just some aspects that, I don't know, Jordan's kind of lacking,"
"Like what?"
"Like being able to show emotion, like real emotion. When I got that letter," she shakes her head wistfully at the memory, "I couldn't believe it," a smile spreads across her face as she recalls the words that she had memorised. Gradually her smile fades "but then I really couldn't believe it. Part of me knew there was just no way he would ever write me something like that, even if he could. But Brian, he wrote that. Am I making any sense?"
"Totally. I guess it's kinda like me and Delia; we'd be perfect together except that she's … her and I'm … well I'm me. And there's no way it could ever be more than it is. I guess what I'm trying to say is at least you have the choice,"
Angela leant closer to Rickie and rested her head against his shoulder.
"I guess he's just easier to deal with than Jordan sometimes,"
"So what you really need is some kind of mind mesh machine. Like Brian's romantic verses inside Jordan's-, well Jordan,"
Angela laughed.
Rickie sat up suddenly, struck by an idea "no I'll tell you what you need – how about we go see a film tonight?"
She considered it before announcing with conviction, "yeah, why not,"
"Great,"
With that settled, they turned back to the magazine. Or at least Rickie did. Angela had clearly moved on to thinking about another issue, her frown indicative of reflection. At last she verbalised it.
"I guess we should invite Rayanne,"
Rickie chose his words carefully, he had long been hoping for reconciliation but was afraid to push it "it's up to you,"
"Do you want to invite her?"
"I don't mind either way,"
"Maybe I should invite Sharon too,"
"Why not, the more the merrier. Why don't you invite Brian?"
Angela let out a stunned laugh, "Rickie!" she shook her head, "I'm not inviting Brian,"
"No, maybe you should. I mean maybe it would be good for you to, you know, sort things out - once and for all," Rickie was clearly convinced by his own plan.
Angela smiled at him, still not quite believing he had made the suggestion "Oh my God," she took a deep breath, "all right. All right I'll invite him,"
"I mean it's not like it'll just be the two of you; me, Rayanne and Sharon will be there,"
Angela rolled her eyes.
--
The group gathered at Angela's house. Patty insisted on making them all food, in spite of Angela's insistence that they would probably eat something at the cinema. She got the impression that her mom was trying to distract herself from something bothering her. She could guess at what it might be, but not with any certainty, and cursed herself for being so caught up with Jordan Catalano that she had lost track of what was going on in her own home.
There was one person missing from the group.
Angela rang the doorbell at Brian's house. His mom opened the door; a tall elegant woman dressed smartly in a suit and with her hair pulled back.
"Angela!" she grinned, "how's school?"
I've always had a hard time believing that Jennifer Krakow was actually Brian's mom. I've idolised her as far back as I can remember. She let me try on her shoes once, these towering stilettos, and let me wear them around the kitchen. Seeing her alongside Brian - it's like a genetic impossibility.
"Do you want me to get Brian?"
From behind her Brian's voice could be heard, "I'm here mom,"
She gave Angela a last smile, "nice to see you again Angela,"
"Hey," Brian took her place in the doorway, looking slightly uncomfortable.
"Hey," she tried to sound casual, "so a bunch of us are going to see a movie tonight if you wanted to come along?"
"Which people?"
"Rickie, Rayanne, Sharon,"
Angela could almost see the inner workings of Brian's brain weighing up the pros and cons of the situation.
"Okay then,"
"Great, so the movie's at eight thirty, so-,"
"I'll be right over," he nodded.
Angela nodded. She spun around on her heels and made her way back across to her own house.
Brian remained in the doorway, struck dumb by this turn of events. Angela Chase actually came over and asked him to go to the cinema with her. Well not with her, but the others could just be going along so that it wasn't, like, too obvious. Because people do that sometimes … or so he'd heard.
"Brian," his mother's voice drew him out of his speculation, "are you going to close the door?"
As the Chase's front door closed, and Angela disappeared behind it, Brian flung the door shut, earning him a puzzled glance from Jennifer.
At the dining table Patty played the capable hostess to perfection but Angela knew that beneath the calm surface was a raging torrent. She had observed her mother, over the years, developing the techniques for hiding her true emotions; able to identify them by the similarities they bore to Angela's own means. She knew it was something to do with her father. Angela got a queasy feeling every time she thought about it, thought about the suspicions she had once had about him.
There was a strange tension at the table, despite Patty's best efforts. Between bites of food Angela was sure she caught Rayanne staring at her, as if she was attempting to transmit some sort of message via telepathy.
"This is really delicious," Sharon chirped up to try and lighten the mood, but her efforts only served to make the silence than followed even more obvious, and even more awkward.
The phone rang and all five of them started slightly as the shrill sound cut through the silence.
"I'll get it,"
"I'll get it,"
Both Angela and Patty jumped up at the same time.
"I got it mom,"
Angela went through into the kitchen and reappeared a few moments later.
"Sharon, it's Kyle,"
Sharon looked slightly embarrassed as she passed Angela into the kitchen.
Rayanne watched her disappear "so I guess it's still on with her and Vinnovich?"
"Oh that's Sharon's boyfriend?" Patty chirped up at the prospect of a conversation.
"I think they're just kind of friends now,"
Rayanne scoffed, "yeah, if you say so,"
"Rayanne is it possible for you to stay out of other people's business for one second?" Angela surprised herself at how angry she sounded.
Rayanne, suitably scorned, confined her gaze to her plate.
"Angela," Patty struck a glance at her daughter.
"It's all right," Rayanne raised her eyebrows, "it's not like I don't know why she's mad at me,"
Angela combed her fingers through her hair, regretting having created this situation.
"Why don't I get us some desert?" Patty stood and began gathering plates to her.
"I'll help," Rickie also stood and started collecting the plates.
"I don't know why she can't just talk to me about it?" Rayanne continued, "I mean that's what friends are supposed to do, right?"
Patty and Rickie froze, each holding a selection of plates and cutlery, unsure as to whether now would be the best time to leave or not.
"Right?" Rayanne looks up at Rickie for support but received none, Rickie simply looked down at the salad bowl in his hands.
"I don't want to talk about it,"
"I mean you've forgiven Jordan. He didn't even write the stupid letter. I'm trying to apologise, like in person, and you won't even listen to me. So what, Jordan Catalano means more to you?"
Angela frowned and shook her head, "no, that's not it,"
"Yeah," she stands.
Patty realises she is about to leave, "Rayanne,"
"Thanks for the food,"
Sharon re-entered the room just as the front door slammed closed.
"I might have to give the cinema a miss, Kyle's got this history work to do and-, where's Rayanne?"
"She left," Angela took a sip of water.
Sharon suddenly felt incredibly guilty that she was about to abandon them because Kyle had the house to himself.
"So you're going to see Kyle?" Angela continued.
"I kinda promised I'd help him, sorry,"
Angela tried to smile at her reassuringly, "it's okay you should go. We probably won't go now anyway,"
"I'll see you in school,"
The three of them collected the remaining plates in silence. Angela noticed her mother checking the clock; Graham was late again. She thought back to the time she had seen her father talking with the young woman in the street, and allowed herself to worry a little that he might be out there somewhere now. When they had washed the dishes Rickie decided to go home, but secretly planned to call Rayanne as he knew Amber was away.
As Angela closed the door after Rickie, Patty emerged from the kitchen.
"Well your father is obviously not coming home any time soon. I think I'm going to get an early night,"
Angela wanted to console her mother, "it must be a lot of work getting the restaurant ready,"
"Evidently,"
With that, Patty turned and disappeared up the stairs. Just as Angela stepped away from the door, there was a knock. Brian was standing outside.
"Sorry I'm late, my mom insisted on me having a shower. I hope you don't mind, I brought my own popcorn, cinema snacks make me kinda-, nevermind,"
"Well the others all left so-,"
Brian looked surprised and tried to convince himself this was in no way Angela's plan all along, "really?"
He hovered in the doorway as Angela leant against the door and shut her eyes. Brian took a moment to look at her face, the way the light played on her cheek, and how pale her skin was on her neck.
"Do you still want to go?" his voice came out horse and weird sounding, like when he first woke up in the morning.
"No," she opened her eyes and straightened up, "can we just walk somewhere?"
"Sure,"
They walked together slowly, in silence, along the street, stopping after a short distance to sit down on the grass beneath a streetlight. Brian offered her the popcorn and Angela took a small handful.
"So the others couldn't make it?"
Angela didn't reply.
"How's Jordan?" realising it was slightly weird for him to be asking Brian tried to quickly justify it, "I mean, because I need to know, for tutoring, when he's going to be back in school. We're kind of behind in Phonics Manual and-,"
"Phonics Manual?"
"I just don't want to waste my time preparing work if he's not going to be there,"
"Oh well I'll remind him to apologise to you, I'm sure he'd be devastated if he knew he'd wasted your time,"
"I didn't mean it like that,"
Angela stared at him in semi-shock at the apparent insanity of his priorities "he could have died Brian,"
"I know," Brian replied defensively.
Angela rolled her eyes and took another handful of popcorn, aggressively scooping it out of the bag as if to punish Brian for his comment via his savoury snack.
It's so weird; I just can't like stay mad at Brian.
"So," Angela took a more sympathetic tone, "you're still gonna be tutoring him?"
"Yeah I guess,"
"They said he might be in the hospital for a while,"
"I guess you're just happy he didn't die or anything?"
Brian kept his gaze firmly out into the street, not wanting to make the moment any more intimate than it needed to be.
Angela nodded, more as though to answer a longstanding question in her own mind than the question posed by Brian.
"I'm happy you didn't," Brian spoke quickly, as though it was just something that needed to be said.
"Thanks,"
"I mean they could have done something about your short temper but-,"
Angela let out a laugh and shoved with her shoulder, hard enough for him to nearly topple sideways. He just managed to save the popcorn from spilling out of the bag all over the grass, laughing as he recovered his balance.
"I guess you can't have everything," Brian completed his sentence. He noticed Angela was looking at him, for the first time since they had sat down. It was as if she was looking right into his mind, Brian felt himself blush at the idea of being so … naked.
"Did he ever, like, say anything to you about me?"
"Erm," Brian pretended to think back, even though in reality he had locked away every mention Jordan had made of Angela in his memory, "sometimes,"
"What did he say?"
"I don't know, just that he felt bad about-," Brian couldn't actually bring himself to mention the Rayanne incident, "I mean he was really upset about what he did,"
"Anything else?"
"Not that I can remember," Brian finally buckled under the intensity of the eye contact, and broke it. He looked down at his hands and toyed with a piece of popcorn, "he cared, okay, that's all you need to know. If that's what you wanna hear,"
"What I wanna hear? I want the truth Brian,"
"It is the truth," he broke the piece of popcorn in two and crumbled each half, between his thumbs and forefingers, into dust. He glanced up at her to show that he was sincere.
"Why did you write the letter?"
Brian looked out into the street, "because I wanted to,"
"Look at me,"
He did.
"Did you mean it?"
"Yeah," he replied in almost a whisper.
Angela took a deep breath, "why now? I mean, were you jealous of Jordan?"
Brian let out a laugh, "oh, yeah, 'cos I woke up one morning and decided to be in love with you just to inconvenience you." During the silence that followed, Brian slowly realised what he had just said, "it's not something I have control over,"
"Why didn't you say something?"
"Oh right, while you were chasing Jordan Catalano? I have some dignity. I mean there was just no way," he looked up at her "right?"
It was as if everything I knew about Brian Krakow, from when we were kids, was just stripped away and all that was left was this … boy. It was too much.
Angela slowly climbed to her feet and began the walk back to her house.
Brian was frozen to the spot for a moment, half in embarrassment, half in shock that he had more or less just confessed to having feelings for Angela. It had actually happened.
Angela closed the front door and leant against it. Being back in her house, back in the familiar, made everything that had happened, and her feelings, seem totally unbelievable. She had never felt so confused, and confused in ways she couldn't even have anticipated. She noticed a light on in the kitchen and followed it. Her father was sitting at the table eating reheated leftovers. His shoulders were hunched and he seemed to be muttering to himself.
"Dad?"
He looked up and, like Patty, almost magically summoned a bright smile from nowhere, "hey, how's the arm?"
"Better," she flexed it at the elbow to demonstrate.
"You hungry?"
"No we ate,"
She sat down.
"Your mom in bed?"
"So were you busy at the restaurant?"
Graham nodded, replying in between mouthfuls of spaghetti, "the decorators are in, it's going to be mulberry burst with a dash of mellow mocha, "he raised an eyebrow at Angela, "Hallie's choice of course. I would have gone with something a little less overpowering, but she says it has to make a statement. I thought the food was the part that was meant to make the statement not the walls,"
"Dad,"
"Mmm?" he looked up at her, chewing.
"Doesn't matter. I think I'm going to go to bed,"
Upstairs she could see light coming from beneath the door to her parents' room. She pushed open the door gently, "mom?"
Patty was sitting up in bed with a photograph album open on her lap. She wiped away a tear as Angela became visible in the doorway. She observed her mother trying desperately to collect her emotions; but her daughter's appearance had been too swift for her emotional concealment to take effect. Angela climbed on to the bed and climbed under the covers next to her mother. Patty turned the page to some photographs of Angela as a child.
"So pretty," Patty ran her finger over one of the pictures.
"I have a weird look on my face,"
Patty started laughing, "your father was doing his monster impression behind the camera, it always had you stumped"
Patty turned the next page and smiled at another of the pictures.
"Mom,"
"Mmm?"
"Did you love Tony Poul?"
Patty senses what this is about, she thinks for a moment before replying, "at the time,"
"Do you ever wonder what would have happened if you'd known dad then? I mean would you have felt the same?"
"I don't know I was a different person. So were they,"
Angela traces the edge of the leather book, "but say you had to decide between what dad has and what Tony Poul had,"
"People change," Patty's eyes glaze over as she starts to really consider the question for herself, "you can make a decision you think is right because you think you know a person but eventually you realise that you never really know anyone. Everyone has hidden depths that you couldn't even imagine," she brought herself back to the present and smiled at Angela as she pushed a strand of hair out of her daughter's face, "people can surprise you, if you give them a chance,"
Angela rested her head against her mother's shoulder "it's like I had all these expectations of how it would be,"
"That's not a crime,"
"Isn't it? Why can't I just accept him as he is?"
Patty smiled down at her daughter knowingly, "just wait,"
--
Brian lay on his bed deep in thought. Was this his chance? Should he go over there and, like, capitalise on it? Okay so she hadn't exactly swooned into his arms but she hadn't slapped him, or told him something along the lines of "not if you were the last man on earth Brian Krakow". But the look on her face when he had mentioned Jordan, and the accident, there was no mistaking it.
He rolled off the bed and opened the middle drawer of his desk, taking out the Phonics Manual that had lain in there since his last tutoring session with Jordan. He suddenly felt a pang of guilt; he remembered how good Jordan had been to him, when the majority of his sort would usually just have ignored him. Jordan asked him to write the letter to Angela without knowing how Brian felt himself, he had asked him in good faith, and Brian had used it as an opportunity to vent his own anguish. Maybe Rickie was right maybe he had wronged Jordan.
Brian opened the book and flicked through the pages. A piece of paper fluttered out from between a couple of the pages at the back. Picking it up Brian realised what it was. He thought about Angela, all the years he'd spent wishing she saw him differently, wishing he was different. He folded the piece of paper and placed it back between the pages.