V
"What are you freakazoids doing?"
I tip-toed downstairs to find Jay, Seth, Jonah, and Craig crammed into the bed in the floor in the downstairs living room. They all looked up at me.
"Blake! Come snuggle in." Jonah said, squished between Jay and Seth.
"C'mere, ho." Jay said, "Come join the misery."
I laughed, making my way over to the simpletons I call my friends. I took up residence lying at their feet, staring up at the ceiling.
"Stop being such a little wuss, Jay." I said, looking up at him.
"It's the apocalypse, Blake. I know it." Jay sighed, "I can't believe this is happening. Of all fucking places I'm going to die, it's Los Angeles. Fuck me."
I felt fear racing through me, but I sat up to look at the boys, "The apocalypse?"
"You know, like in the Bible," Jay explained.
We spent at least an hour discussing the possibility that this was the apocalypse, the people we'd lost, and how the hell this all even happened. And, it took us at least twenty minutes for all of us to get situated in our sleeping arrangements. Seth, Jay and Jonah struggled on how they were going to sleep without spooning and having their dicks sticking into each other's butts.
"You guys, we need to go to bed," I said, "So shut up and sleep."
"Goodnight, boys." Jonah said, kissing Jay and Seth on the top of their heads. He leaned over and kissed me on the temple.
"Goodnight, sweet Blake." Jonah said.
"'Night, ya'll." Craig said.
Jay just groaned in misery.
"Goodnight, freaks." I laughed, and shut my eyes to sleep.
"GUYS! GUYS, WAKE UP! DANNY'S ALIVE!"
I woke up to James's frantic yelling. During the night we had all tossed and turned, with Craig's arm draped across Seth's face and my face in Jay's crotch, the rest of my body sprawled across the boys.
"BLAKE! SETH! JAY! CRAIG! JONAH! HE'S EATING ALL THE FUCKING FOOD!"
The four of us sprang up out of bed, fumbling and falling while trying to get up. James wore a tank top and shorts, his brown hair a mess, and with a toothbrush in hands. His mouth was dribbling toothpaste, and some was dripping down his chin.
"Oh my God! Danny, come on, man!" I yelled, as the guys and I ran to him.
There, sitting at the lone table chuck-filled with food, was Danny McBride. We all circled him, yelling at him because of wasting the food. I threw my hands up in the air, exasperated.
"You've got to be fucking kidding me." I said, "Danny, that's literally all the food we have left! You asshole!"
Danny frowned at me, arching his eyebrows and narrowing his eyes at me, "Nice to see you too, Blake. Calm your perky titties. Jesus. I made this wonderful breakfast for all of you. It was an act of kindness."
Danny shoved a pop tart in his mouth.
"Stop eating!" Seth snapped.
Jay whined, "It's all we have left!"
"Everybody needs to chill the fuck out. I'm sure the Green Goblin can fuckin' afford some more bacon." Danny replied, pointing his fork at James.
I stifled a laugh; I loved giving James shit about starring in the Spiderman movies. It was a passion of mine.
"That's supposed to last us until we get rescued!" Craig said, gesturing to all the food.
Danny looked at all of us suspiciously, then broke out into a sly smile.
"Wait a second. I know what you guys did. Ya'll dropped acid, didn't you? Blake, what'd you do, get that sweet acid you got for us from Alaska last year for my birthday? Remember that shit?" Danny laughed, "Mhm. That's exactly what happened. Craig, you don't have any pants on. Got fucking wild. You probably danced and sweated all over the place."
I shut my eyes, annoyed, trying not to remember the Alaskan acid trip we'd embarked on last year for Danny's birthday. It was a gift I'd given to him, and we'd ended up all tripping. The night ended with Jonah making out with a cactus (resulting in lots of cuts on his mouth), James fingering me, Seth almost getting hit by a car, Craig dancing ass-naked on the roof, and me sucking on Danny's toes.
I rubbed my temples in irritation. God, I needed some girl friends.
He looked at James.
"You got a little bit of white shit all on your mouth, Franco. You probably spent the whole fuckin' night sucking on Blake's clit. And fuckin' Jonah over here probably jerked off and watched you two go at it."
James and I looked at each other, and I swear my cheeks were burning red. I felt flushed. I loved Danny to death (I'd worked with him on a lot of things (like Tropic Thunder and Eastbound and Down), but his bluntness and crudeness was always a wonder to me. We were bad, but he was a whole other level than us. I had grown used to his language and behavior over the years.
"And Jay, I didn't even know you were in town. Good to see ya." Danny finished.
"Danny! We're not on acid!" Seth and I shouted at him in unison.
"We didn't suck each other's anything!" Seth added.
"James Franco didn't eat Blake Reid's pussy last night? Now I know ya'll are trippin'. What'd you guys do, blare Blurred Lines and have anal instead?" Danny scoffed and laughed, pointing to James and I, "'Cause that's somethin' I wouldn't doubt."
I smirked at James and he smirked back, but we rolled our eyes at Danny.
"I don't hear you fuckers denying it, so I'll assume that I'm right." Danny said, shrugging.
"Shut the fuck up, McBride. Do you really not know what happened last night?" I said, looking at him with arched eyebrows and an annoyed expression.
"Daniel, you may want to stay seated for a second." Jonah said gently. "A lot of messed up stuff happened. There were a lot of fatalities."
"Oh, really? You're putting your serious voice on, Jonah?" Danny scoffed, "Tell me about these fatalities."
"Dude, Michael Cera's dead, Segal is dead, Krumholtz is dead." Craig listed off our friends' names.
Danny started laughing, "Michael Cera's gone, that's not such a loss is it? Ha, ha! Michael Cera's dead!"
"Come on, Danny. Jesus, that's horrible." I said, punching him in the arm, "You dick. It was gross, he got impaled by a telephone pole and then swallowed by a sinkhole."
"That's not funny." James muttered.
"Seth, that was a better performance than you've given in your last six movies, where the hell was that in Green Hornet? Jonah, you're fuckin' suckin' balls. You're an Academy Award-nominated person. You need to be fuckin' selling' that shit, dude! Fatalities." Danny said, imitating Jonah's use of the word, "There were a lot of fatalities."
We all sighed and glared at Danny, getting real tired of his shit. I remembered what James had told me the night before, that he was getting sick of Danny and all of Danny's antics. Like I said, I loved Danny to death, but he had a tendency to be a bit overwhelming and conniving at times.
"And Blake. That was a lovely performance. Almost as golden as your performance in last season of Eastbound and Down. Almost as golden as that sex scene we had together. I'm proud of you, you 'lil bitch. You should win a motherfucking Emmy for that one." Danny commented.
I smacked my hand to my face with exasperation, "Oh, my God. Does it look like we're fucking joking?"I exploded, and Danny popped another piece of bacon in his mouth. Mid-chew, Craig caught him by the jaw and made him spit out the bacon, bits of it flying across the room.
Yum, chewed up bacon spewing at me at high speed curtsey of Danny McBride.
"Ugh, gross." I said, sweeping bacon crumbs off my shirt, "Fuck you, Danny."
"Yuck. You've got some in your hair. Fucking gnarly." James said, sweeping it out of my hair.
I smiled at him and laughed, "Thanks, douche-bag."
"No problem, bitch." James said, smacking my behind playfully.
All of us stopped and swirled around when we heard a loud pounding at the door. My breathing quickened, and all of us stared at the door that had a million planks of wood stacked up and hammered up against it. The barricade against the door didn't seem to hold, through, when some random guy's head popped through and made a hole in the door. I quivered behind Seth and James. James raised his handgun to the stranger.
"Please, please, you've got to let me in!" The man shrieked, pleading.
"Just…hang on a second." James said, unsure, glaring at the man at the door. We all looked at him, confused, as he turned to look at us. James cleared his throat, "Guys, I know this is going to sound really weird, but I don't think we should let him in."
"What?" Jay asked.
"Why not?" I exclaimed, giving James an urgent glance.
"Yeah, why not?" The man in the door shouted, "I can hear you, by the way."
"I'm sorry, man. We just don't know you." James said with a sympathetic expression on his face, "You could be a looter, or a…a rapist. Or a titty fucker. I'm sorry. I've got a woman here to think about." He gestured to me, and I smiled a little at James's consideration of me, "As well as the rest of us. I'm sorry, man."
When James mentioned titty fucker, Seth held his man-boobs protectively. I stifled a laugh at him.
James turned back to look at us, "You guys, we just boarded this whole house up to keep things and people out, and now the first guy comes along and you wanna just let him right the hell in? How do we know we can trust this guy?"
"That's true." Jay and I said in unison.
"I want to live! Things have gone crazy out here!" The man screeched, trying to pry his way through the little hole in the door.
Danny condescendingly mimicked the man's desperate pleas for help, and laughed. He jerked his thumb to the door, "This guy sucks."
"What if he's a rapist?" James squeaked.
"So what if he's a rapist? He can't rape all of us!" Jonah pointed out.
"Let's address the elephant in the room. We all know he'd only rape Blake. She's the woman here." Danny said, "And she's our woman, so don't let that motherfucker in!"
"What am I, your sex slave? You misogynistic bastard." I said, sticking my tongue out at Danny.
Danny used that powerful, aggressive tone he always did. "No, but you're our property since we're all men and you're the only woman. We claim you and we've gotta look after you. Now shut up, woman."
James nodded, "Danny's right."
Jay, Jonah, Craig and Seth agreed in unison.
I rolled my eyes.
"I'm not a rapist! I won't touch any of you! Now please, let me in!" The man shouted at us.
"Are you gonna titty fuck any of us?" Seth said anxiously, squeezing his own man-boobs.
"If you want me to titty fuck you, I will! But please let me in!" The man pleaded.
Jay took my arm and said, "Please, Blake. Back me up here when I say we can't just leave the poor guy out there to die!"
I nodded, at him. "You're right, you're right." I turned to James, "James, c'mon. Let him in."
"Absolutely not!" James said, "I'm not risking any of our safety."
"Let's take a vote. I vote fuck all of you." Danny snapped, "Enough talk. I'm letting him in!"
Everyone shouted at Danny not to do it, but before we could even reach the man in the doorway, we heard a loud roar from outside, pure terror appear on the man's face, and his head was sliced right off. It spurted blood, crimson red liquid spurting across the floor. The man's decapitated head rolled across the floor, landing right at my feet, the dead man's eyes staring up at me.
Danny stood next to me, and looked down in fear. All the boys were silent.
"THIS IS REAL! THIS IS FUCKIN' REAL!" Danny screamed, sending us all into a deranged panic.
I screamed, jumping back into Seth. Danny kicked the bloody, decapitated head to James, who screamed. It eventually became a bloody soccer match, all of us kicking the head to each other in terror and panic, none of us wanting to come in contact with it.
But of course, I slipped on the blood-stained floor mid-kick, drenching myself in the man's blood. James hoisted me back up, but in the process, fell alongside me, causing the two of us to fall and pile on top of each other.
"I'm gonna puke." I said, staring down at the stained clothes once I got back up.
Jonah told everyone to shut up.
"Guys! This man was alive a few minutes ago! We can't play soccer with his head!" Jonah exclaimed, trying to talk sense into us. He went to pick up the head, but the blood made it slip from his hands. Everyone gagged, yelling to pick up the head. Craig, shaking, covered it with a woolen blanket from James's couch. Seth took one of James's metal sculptures and pushed it to the corner of the room.
"There's blood all over my floor!" James whined.
I turned and glared at him, "Oh, and that's the biggest problem we have right now, isn't it?"
James narrowed his eyes at me, "Don't get sassy with me, Blake."
I was about to say something when Seth said, "Oh, no no no. No fighting. Not between you two. We don't need another Franco/Reid feud. Not right now. Keep the sass to yourselves."
James stuck his tongue out at me, and I did the same.
"Now, someone look through the hole in the door." Seth added.
Craig quivered in fear, "No way, man! The last guy to put his head through there got his head chopped off!"
"Whatever's out there, might still be up there." Jay proposed, and James nodded.
James beckoned for us to follow him. We all followed suit, running up after James up the stairs. We stopped at a large window that would've normally looked out all over the beautiful city of Los Angeles.
I stood between Seth and James, staring at what I saw in complete and utter horror.
"Is that a giant hole? What the fuck is this?" Danny screeched.
Los Angeles was no longer a city. It was a mess of dust, desert, fire, and post-apocolyptic land. I'd never seen anything so horrific in my life. I gasped, my eyes watering in disbelief.
"It's the apocalypse." I said, and all the boys stared at me in fear.
I felt James's hand interlocking with mine, and he squeezed my hand.
We knew we were in deep shit.
Really deep shit.
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