Olivia's consciousness jerked from the comfort of sleep. She was reaching for her gun before she had even opened her eyes. Abject panic set in when it wasn't on the bedside table. The searing pain in her hip when she twisted didn't slow her one bit as she
The room was unfamiliar, the bed too big and too soft. Beside her Alex screamed again and Olivia found reality. She and Alex were in a guest room at Jane's house. Her back up gun was locked in the old cabinet that Alex's father had kept his hunting rifles in.
She clasped Alex by her biceps gently and shook her. "Alex wake up. Alex WAKE UP. ALEX!"
The lawyer continued to dream and Olivia shook her a little harder to no avail. Finally Olivia leaned down and pressed her lips to Alex's left hear.
"Come on Alex wake up. It's just a bad dream. Come back to me," Olivia told her in a firm voice.
Alex awakened and rolled into Olivia's arms just as the lights came on. The blonde was sobbing so hard she was starting to hyperventilate. Olivia held on trying to calm Alex. This wasn't the first time Alex had awakened screaming. She had explained that she had started having vivid nightmare about the time she turned eleven. There was no explanation or traumatic event. They just happened.
Oddly enough taking the SVU position had not changed how frequently they occurred. Since the shooting Alex had not slept through the night.
From the door Vicky watched as Olivia rubbed the back of Alex's neck as she spoke. She heard rustling behind her and caught sight of her mother heading down the stairs. To return with tea, no doubt. It was her cure for nightmares. She glanced down the hall in the other direction and found her husband herding the kids into their room.
By the time her mother brought in the tea Alex had clamed somewhat. She was still crying in Olivia's arms but she was no longer heaving with sobs. Vicky handed Olivia the washcloth she had wet. As Olivia began to clean Alex's face something changed. Vicky felt nearly voyeuristic as she watched. The intimacy level was frightening.
Olivia broke the feeling first. She thanked Vicky and Alex looked around. She hadn't realized they weren't alone but she wasn't really surprised. Her mother and sister always came when the nightmares plagued her. She accepted the tea with lemon her mother offered with soft mumbled thanks.
"You know where to find us if you need us," Vicky said surprising Alex as she corralled their mother from the room.
Olivia watched Alex sip her tea. After a second she said, "I thought you hated lemon in your tea."
"I do. It reminds me of… Well mom always brought it when the dreams came. I guess I associate them," Alex replied in a hoarse voice. Olivia traced a finger over Alex's throat and followed it with a gentle kiss.
"Want to tell me about it?" Olivia asked. The china rattled as Alex's hand shook. She sat the delicate tea cup on the bedside table and attempted the still her shaking hands.
"I just want… I want you to make love to me," Alex replied.
Olivia took a deep breath, "No."
"No?" Alex asked and Olivia saw her tremble harder.
"I won't use sex to chase away bad dreams," Olivia said in a firm voice. Now was not the time to tell Alex that she had been there and done that and it didn't work.
"I…" Whatever Alex was going to say was lost as Olivia kissed her deeply.
"I love you. Never ever doubt that," Olivia said fiercely after she pulled back. Alex fell into her arms needing the closeness. She knew intellectually that Olivia was right but that didn't stop the hurt of the rejection.
Olivia held Alex gently and waited for the shaking to stop. Alex managed to fall back into a fitful sleep while Olivia lay awake. She stroked the blonde hair in a gentle and methodical manner, as she was lost in her own head.
* * *
Sunday Morning Coming Down
The repeated explosions of shots fired hung in the air. Her ears rang with a high-pitched tune. All she could smell was gunpowder and blood. Blood. Blood everywhere. Frantically she looked around for Elliot. He was right next to where he had landed after slipping on the broken glass from the window they had been sitting next to. His hip was crushing her ankle but she didn't care. Elliot was alive enough to clutch his shoulder in pain.
She looked around, unable to clearly hear the Hell she was in. Three inches from her hip was a mass of what Olivia could only describe as brain matter.
Olivia shook herself back to the present time. She felt the blood draining from her face and her stomach clinch tightly. Shit, shit, shit, she thought fiercely hoping Alex wouldn't notice. Alex didn't have Olivia's observation skills but there was no way she could miss the sudden change in her lover. Olivia was clearly rattled.
"Olivia? What is it?" She asked from her spot on the other end of the couch.
They had been entangled foot to foot on Alex's couch, as they were most Sunday mornings. Olivia had her sore ankle off the couch and resting on the coffee table. Her other foot had been unconsciously rubbing Alex's leg which also happened most Sunday mornings. They had the Times in a pile by their feet and Olivia had been reading an op ed piece that left her convinced they should find a deserted island. Absently chewing her lip, she had broken it and the taste of the blood brought the world crashing around her favorite morning of the week.
"Nothing. I bit my lip," she said tossing the paper into the pile.
"I'll get…"
"I'll take care of it Alex. I need the bathroom anyway," Olivia said waving for Alex to sit back down. Alex stood anyway and looked around.
"Where are your crutches?" Alex demanded.
"Bedroom. I'm just going…"
"Sit down. I'll get them," Alex said rushing from the living room. Olivia sat with a scowl that Alex didn't see. She was massaging her temples when Alex returned with the hated aluminum sticks.
"You have a head ache?" Alex asked softly. Olivia pulled away when Alex attempted to touch her head. Olivia didn't answer instead she took the crutches and hobbled her way toward the bathroom. When she finished her business she washed her hands and brushed her teeth. She had to get that taste out of her mouth.
She took the crutches into the bedroom again, this time shoving them under the bed. Her ankle still ached but she could walk with out the damn things. If Alex would let her.
She found Alex sitting on the couch with a bottle of Advil and a glass of water. Olivia shook her head and waved away the painkillers. Alex looked as if she were going to argue but instead let it pass.
"Come here," Alex, said offering her arms.
Olivia hesitated. If she crawled into Alex's arms she may never leave them. Alex positioned herself on the couch so that Olivia could lie between her legs and use her torso as a pillow. Olivia decided she was being an idiot as she accepted the invitation. Alex ran her hands through Olivia's hair massaging her scalp. Olivia looked up from her position between Alex's breasts.
"That bothering you?" Alex asked.
"Not at all. Just… I love you," Olivia told her.
"I love you too."
Olivia closed her eyes and listened to Alex's heartbeat. Olivia couldn't see how snuggling with Alex was going to help her own pain but it helped Alex immensely. Tough sacrifice, Olivia thought with a small smirk as she drifted to sleep.
Alex felt Olivia's breathing slow to a steady rhythm and carefully shifted until she was completely comfortable. Her movement didn't disturb Olivia one bit. Alex glanced down and watched the detective sleep.
Olivia, like Alex, didn't sleep well often. Alex felt guilty sometimes knowing that Olivia had real reasons to have nightmares. Her own unexplained bouts of bad dreams were usually nothing compared to the nights that Olivia would wake up screaming.
Since the shooting Alex had regular nightmares, constant anxiety and even several panic attacks. The day after the shooting Alex had spoken to Elizabeth Olivet about what to expect from Olivia. At the time Alex had brushed off concerns about how she herself would react. Two days later she had eaten the crow and called the doctor back. The recommendation had been that they see a counselor together. Alex had a doctor's name but was unsure how to approach the topic with Olivia.
She stroked Olivia's cheek gently. She couldn't put into words what she felt for this woman. Sometimes saying I love you didn't quite cover it and Alex was unsure if she was able to show Olivia completely.
She hated seeing Olivia in her current state. For the most part it was as if Olivia had shut off her emotions. Alex was trying to not push but it was hard to suddenly be on the outside. She hadn't felt this separated from Olivia since her early days with the squad.
She knew that Olivia was not intentionally shutting her out she but wasn't sure if there was anything she could do about it. Alex had made every effort to make Olivia comfortable, tend to her injuries and not fight or argue. She didn't want to upset the detective who she could see was steadily getting more and more tense.
Alex put the thoughts away and let herself relax a little. Neither of them had slept well the night before. First Alex had awakened from another dream of Olivia in a casket. Then Olivia had jerked awake three hours later. Not wanting to add to her stress Alex hadn't discussed her dreams with Olivia.
Alex felt her eyes drooping and welcomed sleep. She hoped the nap would be a long one.
It may have been three hours later but it felt like three minutes. Alex had awakened briefly when Olivia went to the bathroom but drifted back to sleep easily. Now she heard voices and could smell what had to be Chinese food. Apparently Olivia had ordered lunch.
Alex stopped to kiss Olivia on her way to clean up. When she returned she found the detective dishing out fried rice, General Tso chicken for herself and chicken with sesame noodles for Alex. Olivia handed her a Corona and Alex looked from the food to the beer.
"It's all you have," Olivia told her.
"This looks great," Alex told her deciding to not reveal the office had ordered Chinese three times the past week. She sipped the beer and then picked up her fork.
"I think I was getting withdrawal," Olivia commented picking up a large pepper with her chopsticks. The squad ordered more often than the DA's office.
"Maybe you should convince the guys to eat healthier," Alex suggested knowing it would make Olivia smirk. Alex was pleased when it did so she continued, "Of course you could convince Branch he's really a woman trapped in a mans body more easily."
"I'll save that argument for when were not eating," Olivia told her and it was Alex's turn to smirk.
"How'd you sleep?" Alex asked her in between bites.
"Not bad. You?" Olivia asked.
"It was a nice nap," Alex admitted.
They continued to eat in a compatible silence. Alex forwent the egg roll and the soup but stole a couple bites of spicy chicken from Olivia. Olivia seemed to enjoy pushing her food around the plate. Alex had just finished her beer when Olivia began to place her remaining food back in the box. Alex frowned.
"You're done?" she asked.
"I wasn't very hungry," Olivia said with a decided edge to her voice.
"I see," Alex replied.
"What does that mean?" Olivia demanded. Alex's head snapped up to look at Olivia. The lawyer was taken aback by the absolute rage in Olivia's eyes.
"It means I understand," she said uncertainly. Alex had seen that look before but never directed at her. Olivia didn't say anything for a long moment then she finished her half empty beer and went to the bathroom.
Alex sighed, lost as to what to do or say. She finished cleaning up dinner and was sitting on the couch nursing a second bottle when Olivia returned.
"I'm sorry," Olivia said as she sat down.
"Where are you're crutches?" Alex asked. She had noticed them missing before their nap but in the interest of peace had let it go.
"I put them under the bed. I don't…"
"I don't care if you want to use them or not," Alex snapped, her feelings still hurt from earlier.
"I don't NEED them," Olivia said finishing her thought.
"You're hobbling around in pain," Alex told her.
"I am fine. My ankle is fine. I just…"
"What?" Alex asked when Olivia didn't continue.
"I just need some space. You've been hovering over me like I'm an invalid. Christ Alex don't…" Olivia said when the tears in Alex's eyes became visible.
"Don't what? Don't get upset? I'm just trying to make things easier for you."
"I don't need you to mother me," Olivia told her.
"What do you need?" Alex asked trying to stop the tears but it was too late. Her cheeks were already wet.
"I… I need you to let me breathe. I need you to stop watching and judging everything I do. I'm fine."
"No, you're not. Neither am I," Alex replied.
"You weren't there," Olivia snapped.
"No I wasn't. But you were and I love you. I'm scared to death about what could have happened," Alex told her.
"I'm fi…"
"Goddamn it. If you say you're fine one more time I'm going to scream. You are not FINE. You are not even OKAY," Alex lost her temper. Shit, she thought trying to get it back under control. She didn't want to upset Olivia any more than she already had. Olivia didn't respond so Alex took a deep breath and said, "Elizabeth Olivet recommended a therapist. Will you go with me?"