Remember, Never to Forget---37
"Easy, Sheppard, you're okay…you're safe," Rodney tried as he moved to the bed and reached out to touch the colonel's shoulder. The man seemed on the verge of waking and it was plain that there was still some panic in not knowing where he was or what had happened. It would be doubly bad for Sheppard if they were right about his memory.
"You're in the infirmary and Carson is taking care of you…that's it…open your eyes and look at me."
'Rodney,' John thought and looked at the man whose voice soothed his fears, but could not remember why this man's presence seemed to ground him. He tried to move his tongue, but the inside of his mouth was dry and whatever was down his throat made it impossible to form words.
"Carson put a tube down to help you breathe, but I'm pretty sure he'll take it out once he realizes you're awake. Do you want it out, Sheppard?"
John nodded slightly and frowned when a second voice reached his ears and he turned to see another man. There was something friendly about him, something that felt right to John, but he quickly turned his attention back to Rodney as he felt the tape holding the tube in place being removed.
"Now, Lad, I'll need you to breathe out as hard as you can for me," Beckett ordered.
"You ready to do this, Sheppard?" McKay asked and got a nod from the injured colonel. He looked up to see Teyla, Ronon, and Elizabeth watching from outside the SICU and smiled thinly before looking down at the pale colonel again. "He's ready, Carson, get that damn thing out."
"All right, Colonel, breathe out now," Beckett ordered and pulled the tube from his patient.
John coughed and gasped as the tube was removed and tried to curl into a ball as pain awakened in every part of his body. He felt a hand clasp his own and held tightly to the lifeline, latching onto the friendship he felt for the man he knew only as Rodney.
McKay watched as Beckett eased a warm cloth over the injured man's face, cleaning away the evidence of the tape that had held the tube in place. He felt a small tremor run through John Sheppard's body and reflexively squeezed his fingers before speaking softly. "Welcome home, Sheppard…"
"Who…who is Sheppard?" John asked, hardly recognizing the rasping whisper s his own voice.
McKay met Beckett's eyes and knew what he'd suspected in Hawk's fortress was true. Sheppard seemed to have no memory of who he was except for his own name and Rodney. Why the colonel had singled him out, Rodney had no idea, but he intended to do everything in his power to help his friend.
"Rodney…what's wrong?" Sheppard asked, but felt the last of his energy drain and let his eyes close.
"He's sleeping," Beckett said and checked the numbers on the monitoring equipment as Sheppard slipped deeper into sleep.
"Why does he remember me, but not his own name?" McKay asked.
"I don't know, Rodney, perhaps it's because you were the last person he saw before…" Beckett froze and looked into eyes filled with despair, silently cursing himself for reminding the Canadian why they thought Sheppard was lost to them forever. "Rodney, I'm sorry. I didn't mean…"
"It's okay, Carson, believe me I've blamed myself often enough…"
"You were not to blame for what happened," Beckett said and led the injured man from Sheppard's room. "Look, we've been through this and no one blames you for what happened. Lie down, Rodney…"
"Carson…"
"Sh, I'm going to give you a little something to help you sleep, Rodney," Beckett told him.
"What if Sheppard wakes up? He doesn't know where he is and he might panic."
"I'll make sure we wake you if he does, but right now you need sleep."
"Listen to Carson, Rodney," Weir said from behind Atlantis' CMO.
"It's my fault, Elizabeth," McKay whispered before Beckett's medication took affect.
"I've never seen Rodney hold onto anything like this," Weir said.
"He's been holding it in since Colonel Sheppard disappeared, Elizabeth. Finding Sheppard alive will help, but until he's back on his feet and his memory returns, Rodney will continue to feel as he does," Beckett said and straightened the blankets covering the sleeping Canadian.
"Carson, what are the chances of John's memory returning?" Weir asked as Ronon silently lay back on his bed and closed his eyes.
"I honestly don't know, Elizabeth. We know next to nothing about what happened after the explosion except that it was bad enough that Colonel Sheppard blacked it all out. His memory could return, whether it's complete or only partial is another question."
"Do whatever you have to, Carson," Weir said.
"I will, Elizabeth," Beckett said. "Did you notify his brother?"
"Not yet…I was hoping to have some news to tell him."
"I would think finding john alive would be good news," Teyla offered.
"It is, but John has had problems with his family, but it's not up to me to tell you about that so lets' just say John made his own way in the world," Weir said.
"Then shouldn't his family be proud of his accomplishments?" Ronon asked.
"They should," Beckett said and left it at that. "Teyla, how are you feeling?"
"I am fine, Carson, just a little sore sometimes," Emmagan assured him.
"Just don't go working out until I give you the all clear," Beckett warned.
"It is hard to work out when my sparring partners are in here," Teyla said and smiled at Ronon before leaving the infirmary with Elizabeth Weir.
Beckett looked at the two men and glanced at the ICU before making his way toward his office. God help him, but he hoped John Sheppard's memory would return. If it didn't Rodney McKay would wear a mantle of guilt that would eat away at what made him who he was.
SGASGASGASGASGA
The clicking noises and beeps were unfamiliar to him and he opened his eyes to the dim lighting of a room he didn't recognize. It was disconcerting, but it didn't scare him because he heard a soft voice humming nearby. He turned his head slightly until he saw the woman standing with her back to him. He didn't know her name, but there was something about the humming that soothed his fears.
Sharon turned and smiled when she noticed him watching her. "Hello, Colonel, how do you feel?"
"I don't know…who are you?"
"Oh, I'm sorry, my name is Sharon and I'm one of the nurses helping Dr. Beckett care for you. Are you in any pain?"
"No…can I sit up more?"
"Of course, just let me push the button and you tell me when to stop."
"That's good," John said when she'd raised his head enough to look around. "Where's Rodney?"
"He's in the other room sleeping, but I can wake him if you want me too," Sharon told him.
"No…looked like I feel when I saw him."
"Yes, well he is worried about you…"
"Does he…I mean did he…did he buy me from Hawk?" John asked softly.
"Nobody bought you, Colonel…"
"My name is John…I don't know who Colonel is," John told her, frowning as he tried to grasp an image that flashed across his mind as a man stood in the open doorway. "Car…Carson?"
"Aye, Lad, do you remember me?" Beckett asked once he reached the bed.
"Sometimes…know you helped me before," John told him.
"Yes, I have…too often sometimes, but it goes with your penchant for getting into trouble…"
"Sorry, don't mean to be…be a pain."
"You're not, Son, believe me everyone in Atlantis owes you for saving our lives…"
"Atlantis?"
"The city we live in," Beckett explained. "When you're feeling better we'll get you in a chair and show you around. It might help rekindle you're memory, Lad. Right now I want you to try and sleep."
"Seems like that's all I do."
"That's because you need it. Are you in any pain?" Beckett asked.
"A little," John told him.
"Well, that's one thing that hasn't changed," the physician said with a grin.
"I don't understand."
"Even when you've lost your memory you still lie about just how much pain you're in," Beckett said and adjusted the flow of pain medication. "That's going to make you sleepy so don't fight it."
"O…kay," John said and closed his eyes.
SGASGASGASGASGASGA
God help him, but the pain was so bad, yet there was something he had to do. Why did Rodney look shocked? What was he holding in his hand? Why did the pain suddenly intensify with each breath he took?
A soft cry escaped his throat, but went unheard by the nurse checking the monitors. 'Blow it! God Damn you, McKay, blow it now!'
SGASGASGASGASGA
Rodney opened his eyes and licked at dry lips before pressing the button to raise the head of his bed. Why was it whenever Beckett gave him something to help him sleep it left his mouth feeling as if he'd swallowed a mouthful of sand? He slid his legs over the edge of the bed, frowning when he thought he heard Sheppard calling for him. The words were imprinted on his mind and had woke him from sleep many nights since Sheppard had disappeared.
'Blow it! God Damn you, McKay, blow it now!'
"Sheppard," he whispered and stood on the floor too quickly. He gasped, but fought the wave of dizziness that threatened to put him on the floor. He grabbed the IV pole, grateful that it hadn't been unhooked yet as he made his way toward the ICU.
"Dr. McKay, are you all right?" Sharon asked when she noted the beads of sweat on the man's pale face.
"I'm fine…is he awake?"
"No, he's been sleeping since Dr. Beckett changed the dosage on his pain meds," Sharon answered. "It's late and you should be sleeping."
"No, I heard him. Something's wrong," McKay said and moved to he right side of the bed just as Sheppard's eyes shot open and he screamed the damning words that had sealed both their fates so long ago.
"Blow it! God Damn you, McKay, blow it now!"
"Jesus, Sheppard, I did!" McKay said and placed his hand on Sheppard's chest when the man seemed to find the strength he needed to sit upright.
Pain was everywhere. It filled his lungs and shattered any hope he had of drawing air into his lungs, yet there seemed to be a lifeline nearby if he could just grasp it. God, why didn't Rodney blow the damn thing to hell? Couldn't McKay see what it was doing to him?
"Look at me, Sheppard…I blew it, John, you're safe now!" the Canadian said and wished he could get through to the injured colonel, but right now nothing seemed to be working.
"What's going on, Sharon?" Beckett asked upon entering the room.
"Carson, he's stuck…stuck in a living nightmare. Do...do something!" McKay stammered.
"I will, Rodney, but right now I need you to calm down and keep talking to him. He knows you're not going to hurt him and he'll respond to your voice."
"Colonel…John, listen to my voice," McKay tried to keep the fear from his speech, but God help he was terrified of losing this man all over again. "I'm here, John, and you're safe. You're home…Atlantis is our home, John, and I promise as soon as you're well enough I'll take you up on that golf lesson and maybe even go camping with the Athosians. How does that sound?"
"Keep talking to him, Rodney, you're getting him to calm down," Beckett told him, relieved to see Sheppard's heart rate returning to normal.
"How does that sound, John?" McKay asked, using the name that seemed to get through to the injured colonel.
"Rod…Rodney?"
"Right here," McKay said with a weak grin.
"You okay?"
"I'm fine. How do you feel?"
"Don't know…keep having the same damn dream. Wish it would stop," John told him.
"I do too and it will, John, you juts have to give it time," McKay told him.
"Why did…what did I want you to blow, Rodney?"
"It's not important right now, John…"
"Yes, it is…I think you did it and I think it hurt you to do it," John said and frowned when he found himself slipping toward sleep again. "Not your fault, Rodney…told you…told you to blow it."
"I know you did, but that doesn't make it any easier," McKay said, sighing heavily before moving back and allowing Beckett and the nurse take care of Sheppard. He walked out of the room and frowned when he spotted Ronon watching him.
"You okay?" Dex asked.
"Not really…I don't know how to help him," McKay answered as he moved to his bed.
"Oh…sounds like you did that just now," the Satedan told him.
"What do you mean?"
"Heard him tell you it wasn't your fault. Figure maybe his word would count for something," Dex offered.
"It does…it's just…"
"Guilt can eat away at you, McKay…don't let it," Ronon told him.
"Easier said than done," McKay said.
"Not really…not when you know he's alive," Dex offered. He'd seen McKay beating himself up over Sheppard's death, but the man was alive and it was time to realize there was nothing for McKay to feel guilty about. He'd obeyed his commanding officer and saved countless lives, that made him a hero whether he realized it or not.
Rodney lay back on his bed and thought about what Ronon had just told him. Sheppard really was alive, and he gasped as that realization struck deep in his soul. He hadn't killed his friend, no matter how hard he'd tried to blame himself, the truth was lying right there in the next room. A hint of a relieved smile formed on his face and McKay knew he'd do everything in his power to help John Sheppard find his way 'home'.
SGASGASGASGASGASGA
Elizabeth knew she would have to contact John's family soon and wondered what effect the news would have on David Sheppard. She didn't know the man personally, but from what Ronon had told her David was not exactly proud of his brother's accomplishments. How would he react to the news that John had lost his memory? Would he insist they send him home? If so would she be forced to fight that request because he was needed on Atlantis?
Five days had passed since John had been brought home and Carson was still worried about the fever that seemed to be sapping what little strength the colonel had. Why was this proving to be so hard when it should have been cause for celebration? How many times since coming to the Pegasus Galaxy had she been forced to write a letter informing friends and family that their loved one would not be coming home?
"Too often," Weir whispered and rubbed at tired eyes.
"Is something wrong, Elizabeth?"
"Not really, Teyla, just thinking too damn hard," Weir answered.
"Is that a letter to John's brother?"
"Yes, it is."
"Should he not be happy with the news that John is alive?"
"He should be, but I just don't know. From what little John told me about his relationship with David it was strained at best."
"Ronon did not think very much of David Sheppard," Emmagan said and sat down opposite the other woman.
"I know, and that's what makes this so hard," Weir told her.
"Why?"
"Well, David Sheppard could insist on taking charge of his brother's life now that John doesn't remember who he is or why he came to the Pegasus Galaxy in the first place."
"Will it make any difference considering he probably does not remember Earth either," Teyla asked.
"It depends on David…"
"Shouldn't it be John's choice?"
"It should, but it doesn't always work that way," Weir answered softly.
"Sometimes I find it hard to understand your ways, Elizabeth," Emmagan said.
"It's not everyone's ways, Teyla, but whether it's David Sheppard's or not remains to be seen," Weir said and stared at the letter she'd been preparing.
"Do you have to send it today?"
"Not really…I was just trying to find the right words."
"They will come when the time is right," the Athosian said.
"You're right…they will. I believe it's time to see if John is up to some company. Would you like to come along?"
"Yes, I would," Emmagan said and followed Weir from the office.
SGASGASGASGASGA
The sights and sounds of the infirmary were becoming familiar things to John, but he could not remember anything about Atlantis or most of the people who stopped by to say hello. The only one he knew on sight was Rodney McKay, but there were times when bits and pieces of images flashed across his mind. He knew he could trust Carson Beckett and was grateful for the care and concern from the other man, but he was tired of the constant attention.
John looked at the IV line leading into his arm and began easing off the tape, but stopped when a voice reached his ears.
"Hey, Buddy, not a good idea."
John stared at the man whose frame nearly filled the door and searched his mind for the name he'd been given. 'Ronon,' he thought and frowned when he saw a hint of a smile on the other man's face. "I need to get out of here."
"I bet…Beckett would be upset though."
"Why?"
"He'd have no one to poke and prod…or stab with a needle," Dex explained.
"Ronon?"
"In the flesh," the Satedan answered.
"We're friends?" John asked.
"Like to think so."
"Then you could help me."
"Do what?"
"Get the hell out of Dodge," John said, frowning at how easily he'd spoken those words and briefly wondered where they'd come from.
"Beckett would kill me."
"He doesn't need to know."
"You don't think he'd miss those clicks and beeps."
"Damn…hate it when you're right."
"That's what you always say."
"I take it you're right a lot."
"All the time…"
"Don't you believe him, John," McKay said upon joining the two men.
"Rodney," John said and smiled at the sight of the familiar man standing behind Ronon. No matter how bad things looked or how lousy he felt, seeing Rodney always anchored him and let him know that he was where he belonged, whether he remembered it or not.
"How do you feel…John?" McKay asked, reminding himself not to use Sheppard or Colonel when speaking with the injured man.
"Better…"
"He was trying to take out the IV when I came in?" Ronon offered.
"Traitor," John said and again found a certain familiarity with the term.
"If Carson catches you…"
"If Carson catches him doing what, Rodney?" Beckett asked and frowned at the trio who wore equal smiles. It felt right, but Beckett knew they still had a lot of work ahead of them where John Sheppard was concerned.
"Nothing, Carson, we were just talking about…"
"Me," Beckett said and moved to check on his patient. "Rodney, I'm sure I told you to rest when I let you out of here this morning."
"I just wanted to check on John before I left…"
"You're leaving?" John asked, shrinking under the blankets when he realized how his voice must have sounded.
"Rodney needs to rest, John, but he'll be back later," Beckett explained, frowning when he noticed the tape peeled away from the IV site. "John…"
"Sorry, Carson…got itchy."
"I see…well, next time just let the nurses know and they'll check it. I'm going to change the site now and then maybe we can move you out of this room so that you can have visitors…"
"Visitors?"
"Only if you feel up to it, John," Beckett said. "Right now I want to check your wounds and make sure everything is healing properly."
"Okay," John told him.
"Ronon, you should be resting…Rodney, you can go to your quarters, but stay away from your lab!"
"Carson, has anyone ever told you you're a tyrant?" McKay asked lightheartedly.
"As a matter of fact…several people have including you," Beckett offered and peeled back the bandages covering Sheppard's chest. His fingers lightly touched a mark he'd noticed when first examining the colonel, but the man had not been awake enough for him to ask about it.
"Carson…"
"John, can you tell me about this?"
"What?" John asked sadly.
"This mark. How did you get it?"
"Hawk," John said and turned away as if ashamed.
"John, look at me," McKay said, relieved he'd stuck around even after Carson's dismissal. "Why did Hawk do that?"
"I'm his property," John answered softly.
"No, you're not," the Canadian told him.
"He marks me so no other slaver would take me from him…are you…are you a slaver, Rodney?"
"No, John, I'm not and you're not a slave," McKay said, fighting to keep the distaste from his voice. "You are and always have been a free man."
"Hawk said if anyone see the mark they'll know who I belong to," John whispered.
"Carson, can you remove it?" McKay asked.
"I can…is that what you want, John?" Beckett asked.
"You can take it away?"
"I can, but I'd like to wait until you're recovered from the wounds you have," Atlantis' CMO said.
"I'd like it gone," John said and stared at his chest with relief at the promise that one reminder of his ordeal would be removed.
"John, why don't you get some sleep and I'll tell Elizabeth and Teyla to come by later," Beckett said.
"Am kind of tired," John said and wished he could remember his life before 'slavery'. He closed his eyes and fought the images flashing across his mind. Sleep was a long time coming and when it did he found himself locked in the nightmare that had started it all.
TBC