Remember, Never to Forget---38
John had no way of knowing how long he'd slept, but his body was stiff and sore as he opened his eyes. It took him a few minutes to remember where he was and fight back the fear that threatened to turn into a fight or flight reaction when a stranger moved toward him.
"John, welcome home."
"Who…who are you?" John asked and saw a hint of sadness in the woman's eyes.
"My name is Elizabeth Weir and we've know each other since we came to the Pegasus Galaxy."
"I'm sorry, Dr. Weir…I just don't remember you."
"That's okay…Carson says it will take time, and I wanted you to know that if you need anything…anything at all just let me know and I'll do my best to get it for you."
"Thank you…is Rodney around?" John asked, hating how needy his voice sounded.
"He's in his quarters, but I'm sure he'll be here soon," Weir answered. She knew McKay was the only member of the expedition John Sheppard seemed to know; although she had a feeling he was getting flashes of memories of the rest of them.
"He should rest," John said.
"I'm sure that's what Carson told him too," Weir said. "John, I know all of this must seem strange to you…"
"No stranger than being a slave, Dr. Weir," John told her and wished he could erase the look of sadness that formed on her face. "I'm sorry…"
"You have nothing to be sorry for, John. I won't say I know how you feel because that would be a lie, but I will tell you all of us are willing to do whatever it takes to help you get your life back."
"My life here?" John asked.
"Yes, and on Earth."
"Do I have family on Earth?"
"You have a brother…his name is David."
"Does he know I'm here?"
"Not yet…I was waiting until you were stronger to tell him," Weir said.
" Why?" John asked.
"John, we don't need to do this now…"
"Why not, Dr. Weir…is my brother…is David ashamed of what happened to me?"
"All David knows is that you were MIA…"
"MIA?"
"Missing in Action," Elizabeth answered. "It is the story we give most civilian family members when a member of this exhibition disappears."
"Still doesn't tell me why you haven't told him I'm alive," John said, sighing heavily as he fought to stay awake.
"John, I'll come back later when you've had some sleep," Weir told him.
"Okay," John said and closed his eyes.
Elizabeth watched the injured man for a few minutes until she was sure he was sleeping. When she finally turned away Carson Beckett was watching her. She smiled at Atlantis' CMO and knew John Sheppard was in the best possible hands.
"Elizabeth, he is getting better."
"I know…I just wish…"
"We all do, and I truly believe he will get his memory back, but it will not happen overnight. Little things might just trigger a small memory or it could open the floodgates. Honestly, I'd rather it come back in little pieces because it'd be easier on him."
"Catastrophic overload," Elizabeth whispered.
"Pardon me?" Beckett said with a frown.
"If John's memory came back all at once it would be like one of Rodney's catastrophic overloads."
"That's probably the best description I've heard. Go easy and things will work out," Beckett said and laid a hand on her shoulder as she passed him. "Have you eaten yet?"
"I was just on my way to the Mess Hall…care to join me?"
"Give me a few minutes to check Colonel Sheppard and I'll meet you there," Beckett said. He moved to the bed and checked the readouts above his patient's head and knew they still had an uphill battle ahead of them. Sheppard's temperature was still higher than he'd like and Carson quickly change the order of antibiotics that he'd ordered to a stronger cocktail he hoped would work.
Carson watched as a frown creased John's forehead and heard a soft whimper that was so unlike anything he'd ever attribute to this man. "Ah, Lad, what did those bastards do to you?" Beckett knew it was a stupid question, because he could see the physical damage before him. What he couldn't see, what worried him even more than the physical wounds was the damage to Sheppard's psyche that had led him to black out everything before Shazzia and Hawk had enslaved him.
"Dr. Beckett, are you all right?"
"Aye, Lass, I'm fine. Just keep an eye on him and let me know if anything changes," Beckett told the nurse.
"I will," the woman said.
Carson reluctantly left the room and made his way to the mess hall, not surprised to find Weir already seated with McKay, Emmagan, Dex, Zelenka, and Lorne. There was a single seat left for him and someone had taken the liberty of getting him coffee and a bagel with cream cheese.
"Carson, Elizabeth was just telling us Colonel Sheppard was awake for a while," Teyla said.
"Yes, he was, but he's going to be sleeping more than he's awake for a while yet," Beckett told them. "How's the arm, Rodney?"
"It would be a lot better without the damn sling," McKay complained.
"Well then by all means get rid of it, but," Beckett paused as he watched McKay reaching for the offending item. "Don't come complaining to me when the pain keeps you awake or when you don't have the dexterity in your fingers to use those small data pads…"
"I guess I can keep it on for a while longer," the Canadian said and reached for his cup of coffee.
"Ronon?" Beckett said.
"I'm okay, Doc," Dex answered the unasked question.
"Sure you are. I don't want you running around the city until those ribs heal," Beckett scolded. "How are the headaches?"
"Not bad…sleep helps."
"Good…I want you to come see me if they get bad," the physician said and turned to Emmagan. "Teyla, how do you feel?"
"Much better, Carson," Teyla answered honestly.
"Glad to hear it, but again I don't want you doing anything more strenuous than lifting that coffee cup for a few more days. Let Major Lorne's team take care of any off world missions until I clear you three."
"There's nothing pressing right now, Carson," Weir said. The group grew quiet each one thinking about John Sheppard and what lay ahead for him.
SGASGASGASGASGA
Rodney smiled at the nurse who moved a chair close to the bed for his use. The day had been busy and this was the first chance he'd had to stop in and check on John Sheppard. McKay knew being busy was an excuse, a weak one to appease his own mind because he really wasn't sure what to say to this man.
Rodney had kicked himself several times throughout the day because there was no excuse for his absence and he knew it. He just found it hard to see Sheppard so subdued, so beaten as if he didn't have the will to fight. That was something Rodney was ready to do something about…what exactly, he didn't know.
McKay watched as John's eyelids slowly peeled back over confused eyes and smiled in spite of the chill that swept through him. "Hello, John, how do you feel?"
"Rodney?" John asked, hoping the man was really there and not just another image that followed him from his nightmares.
"You okay?" McKay asked when he saw something akin to fear in his friend's eyes.
"Think so…just dreams right?"
"I don't know if dreams are the right word for whatever you see when you're sleeping…nightmares is probably more fitting," the Canadian told him.
"Probably," John said and shifted on the bed, searching for the correct control that would raise the head of the bed.
"Here, let me do it," McKay offered. "Better?"
"Yeah, thanks…how's the arm?"
"Sore, but it's getting better," McKay said and adjusted the sling. "I hate this thing."
"I bet," John said as Beckett came into the room with a dinner tray.
"Well, Colonel, I hope you're hungry because it looks like someone decided to make your favorites," Beckett said and placed the tray on the table before moving it over the bed Sheppard lay in.
"Don't worry, John, I'll sneak in something later…"
"Try it Rodney and I'll see that you're put on a strict diet of bread and water," Beckett lightly scolded.
"You would too," McKay grumbled as Beckett removed the covers from the food. "I thought you said they made his favorites?"
"Rodney…"
"This is cruel even for you, Carson," McKay griped. "Soup and green Jell-O…"
"It's okay, Rodney, I'm not that hungry anyway," John told them.
"Colonel, you need to eat…"
"Don't you mean drink…"
"Eat," Beckett reiterated and returned his attention to his patient. "John, if this stays put we'll see about getting you something a little more…"
"Palatable?"
"Rodney, I swear I'll knock you on your proverbial…"
"I'm not saying another word, Carson," McKay said and leaned closer to Sheppard before whispering conspiratorially. "I'll see if there are any cheeseburgers…"
"You'll do no such thing!" Beckett saw a hint of a smile form on John Sheppard's face and wondered if McKay realized just how much his presence meant to the injured man. Somehow Rodney seemed to have a calming effect and that was something he would never have predicted.
"Thanks," John said and looked at the food with disinterest. He lifted the spoon and began eating the soup, surprised that it actually tasted better than it smelled. By the time he finished sleep beckoned to him once more and he heard McKay and Beckett talking as if from a distance.
SGASGASGASGASGASGA
The days seemed to drag for John as his physical wounds slowly healed, but his memory remained as illusive as ever. The nights were the worst when he'd wake up shaking in fear of something that stayed at the edge of his vision and disappeared when he opened his eyes.
The noises of the infirmary, the constant presence of a nurse or one of his friends was beginning to grate on his nerves and he began thinking of ways to escape. The problem was where would he go? He had no memory of Atlantis or how the city was laid out. From what Rodney had told him it was a city that floated on the water, but it could also fly.
'A flying city,' John thought and looked around. It was hard for him to lie here and not know his surroundings, yet he would much rather be here and not at Hawk's whim. He briefly wondered where the 'slaver' was, cursing softly when an involuntary shudder ran through his body. His finger touched against the mark on his chest and he vividly remembered the day Hawk had marked him as his property.
"Not a slave," he whispered and reached for the IV running into his hand. He needed to see this city and find out if this was where he belonged. His injuries would slow him down, but he had never let that stop him and was not about to start now.
"Going somewhere, John?"
John's head came up and closed his eyes as several images flashed across his mind. He cried out and held his head, rocking back and forth as the insight into his past sent daggers through his skull. A pair of hand, not quite soft touched his shoulders and her voice broke through the pain. He leaned forward and placed his forehead against hers and whispered.
"Friends…"
"Yes, John, we are friends," Teyla's eyes filled with moisture as she felt his body shaking like a leaf in a strong wind.
"Teyla…Teyla," John repeated the name again and again as if afraid to forget it. "I know I should remember more, but I can't, Teyla…I'm sorry."
"Don't be, John, perhaps this is just the beginning and I believe it is a good sign that your memory will return."
"I hope so…because I don't want to lose this…will you do something for me?"
"Anything, John," Emmagan vowed.
"Get me out of here," John said hopefully.
"John, you can't…not yet…"
"Please, Teyla, I just need to see Atlantis…to see the city. I need to see if it will help me remember…who I am…who all of you are, because if I don't I might as well go find Hawk because as much as I hate it that is the only life I remember."
"John we need to ask Carson…"
"Teyla…"
"If Carson says it's okay I will take you wherever you ask, John," Emmagan vowed.
"Tell him I need to do this…I need to find…me…I need to find Colonel John Sheppard because I don't want to be John anymore," John whispered. "I don't want to be a slave, Teyla…"
"You're not, John, you are a free man." Teyla turned at the soft sound of footsteps and smiled as Carson Beckett walked toward the bed.
"It's kind of late for visiting, Lass," Beckett observed.
"I was unable to sleep and thought John might welcome some company," Emmagan told him.
"John, are you all right?" Beckett asked.
"No…no I'm not, Carson…I need to get out of here."
"Well, Lad, that won't happen for a few days yet…"
"Please, Carson, I just need to see Atlantis…I'll come back."
"Maybe in the morning…"
"Perhaps it would be good for him to go now when there are not so many people around," Teyla offered and saw something change in Beckett. Somehow she knew he understood this was something John Sheppard needed.
"Perhaps, but you're in no shape to be walking around and you need to come back here if you have any problems…"
"I'll see that he does everything he's supposed to," Emmagan explained.
"What's going on?" Rodney McKay asked upon entering the infirmary and finding the trio talking.
"What are you doing here, Rodney?" Beckett asked.
"I couldn't sleep…"
"Seems to be going around," Beckett said as Ronon Dex joined the group. "Well, John, it looks like your team has showed up at exactly the right time. If I didn't know better I'd swear it was a conspiracy."
"Couldn't sleep," Dex offered.
"There seems to be a lot of that going around. Perhaps I should send a requisition for more sleeping pills," Beckett lightly scolded.
"Softer mattresses might work better," McKay said. "So, what did we miss?"
"Teyla was just going to take John on a tour of the city," Beckett said. "I'm going to get a wheel chair…"
"I could carry him…"
"Not a chance, Ronon," John said as Beckett brought the chair closer to he bed.
"Now, John, let's see about making you comfortable," Beckett said and turned to the Athosian. "Teyla, would you mind waiting outside."
"Of course," Emmagan said.
John sat up in the bed and suddenly realized why Beckett had asked Teyla to leave. It hadn't occurred to him that there was a distinct lack of clothing that might have made things a little awkward for them. He allowed Beckett to help him into a set of light green pajamas before Ronon moved in and lifted him into the wheel chair.
"John, I've changed the IV and you're not due for antibiotics for another hour," Beckett told him and turned to McKay. "I want him back here before then or I'll stick you all with…"
"A needle," McKay griped.
"No, bedpan duty and let me tell you it can get pretty messy," Beckett said and gently placed a blanket over Sheppard's legs.
"I look like an old man," John griped as Emmagan joined them.
"Perhaps, but a handsome old man," she said and kissed his cheek before taking control of the wheelchair.
"One hour," Beckett warned as Sheppard's team wheeled him from the infirmary.
"Where would you like to go, John?" the Athosian asked.
"I don't know," John answered honestly, frowning as he tried to think of anything familiar. "Somewhere high…really high."
"The top…where he showed me how to play golf," Dex explained.
"That's about as high as it gets," McKay agreed.
John settled back in the chair and listened to the trio talk. It felt right to be here, as if a part of him had come home even if he couldn't remember why he felt that way.
TBC