Remember, Never to Forget---39
John felt slightly overwhelmed as Teyla wheeled the chair along the corridors, revealing more and more of the city he now knew as Atlantis. Several people passed them, offering good wishes and telling him to get well soon. He smiled, but didn't really feel much like talking and often saw a look of disappointment on their faces.
"John, are you feeling all right?"
"I'm fine, Teyla…just didn't realize how big this place is," John answered honestly.
"You haven't seen anything yet, John," McKay said when they reached the transporter.
"What's this?" John asked.
"This is called a transporter," Teyla explained. "It will take us to the tower Ronon told you about. You'll be able to see so much from up there."
John nodded, but remained silent as they stepped into the transporter and Rodney touched a keypad and suddenly they were in another part of the city. An image formed as they made their way toward a set of doors and several more followed in quick succession as they stepped outside. The sounds and smells assaulted his senses and he fought for air as someone knelt in front of him.
"John, listen to me…"
"Teyla…I…"
"Perhaps this wasn't such a smart move," McKay said as beads of perspiration formed on Sheppard's forehead and slid down his face.
"No, he's all right," Emmagan said and waited for Sheppard to open his eyes. "John…"
John knew the images he was seeing were real and he flinched as bright lights flashed nearby as if they were happening now instead of in his memories. Screams of pain, cries for help, and a beam of light taking people from their home. The Wraith had done this, but who were the wraith? An image of a female with long black hair and a grotesque hand reached out to touch a long fingernail against his cheek.
'Kneel!'
"No," John whispered as if the word had actually been spoken aloud.
"John, look at me," Teyla tried.
"Please…I can't…I won't kneel…"
"You don't have to kneel, John," McKay said as Emmagan moved aside and allowed him to speak with the injured colonel.
"Rodney…why?"
"Why what, John?"
"Why do I remember kneeling for a Wraith Queen, but I can't remember all of you? Why am I remembering only the bad things?" John asked softly.
"I don't know, John, but the fact that your remembering something is a good thing," McKay explained and saw fear in his friend's eyes. "Do you want to go back?"
"No…I can do this…I need to do this," John told them and motioned toward the railing. "Can you move me closer? I want to look at the ocean."
"All right, John," McKay said and pushed the chair closer to the edge, but kept him far enough back for safety.
"It's nice," John said, closing his eyes as a soft breeze wafted over him. A sense of belonging washed over him, yet his mind remained blank as he tried to draw on the images he'd seen earlier.
"John…"
"Golf balls…we hit them from here. Me and Ronon?" John asked simply.
"Yes we did," Dex answered with a hint of a smile.
"You hit one that…" John frowned and then smiled before finishing. "You hit one that hasn't landed yet."
"You're a good teacher," Ronon told him.
"If I am I don't remember," John said sadly.
"Maybe you just don't like the thought of a rookie to the sport beating you," McKay said.
"No, I don't think so," John told him, closing his eyes as another memory played across his mind.
"John?" Emmagan said worriedly.
"I'm okay…I need….there's a chair…a special chair?"
"Yes, there is," McKay said.
"Take me there," John ordered.
"John, we promised Carson we'd bring you back before the hour was up," Teyla explained.
"Please, Teyla, I need to see it. I need to know it's real and not my imagination playing tricks on me," John told her.
"All right," Emmagan agreed when she saw the look of hope on his face. It wouldn't take long to reach the chair room and if it helped John Sheppard reclaim his lost memories then it was worth 'bedpan duty'.
SGASGASGASGASGA
John knew the others were watching him closely as they made their way toward the chair room. He knew they were worried, but there was nothing he could do to ease their minds, not when his own mind seemed blank at times and filled with horrific images at others. He sighed tiredly and unconsciously rubbed at the mark Hawk had left on his chest as the wheelchair was pushed inside a spacious room.
The chair was directly in front of him and he managed to climb to his feet before the others reacted. Ronon grabbed him before he fell and made to ease him back, but he shook his head vehemently. "No…I need…I need."
"What do you need, John?" Teyla asked softly.
"I need to sit…"
"Ronon, put him back…"
"No, need to sit in that chair…I need to feel it…"
"John, are you sure?" McKay asked, worried about how pale the injured man was.
"Yes…no, I don't know, Rodney, but I can't stay like this forever. I need to get my memory back. I need to get my life back. I need to remember you and Teyla and Ronon and Atlantis. Please…just let me try," John said.
"All right, John," McKay said and turned to the Setedan. "Ronon, help him into the chair."
John held his breath as the bigger man lifted him from the wheel chair and moved him to the drone chair. He closed his eyes fro several long seconds and waited for the nauseating dizziness to pass. No one spoke as he opened his eyes and moved his hands to the arms of the chair. He sat for several minutes, but nothing happened, nothing changed as he shifted slightly and looked around in disappointment.
"John, just think about Atlantis and where we are?" McKay said.
"That's just it, Rodney, I don't know where we are," John snarled.
"Maybe not consciously, but the memory is there and you just have to reach for it. Maybe it'll be easier if you think about Earth and where it's located…"
John's eyes shot open as a solar system appeared above them. "Did I do that?"
"Yes…yes, you did, John," McKay said with a grin as he studied the moving chart. Everything looked like it was in its place and it proved that the ATA gene was still working in spite of John's memory loss.
"Is that Earth?"
"Yes it is," McKay offered.
"My brother lives there?"
"Yes, he does."
"I don't even know what he looks like," John told them.
"It's okay, John, it'll come back to you and when it does you'll be able to do everything you did before this happened," McKay said.
"John, we should get you back to the infirmary," Teyla told him.
"Okay…I am tired," John told them as Ronon helped him back into the wheelchair. He closed his eyes and listened to the trio talk during the return trip to the infirmary. His mind drifted back over the last few weeks and he tried to ignore Hawk's warning voice inside his head, but he knew the man was out there somewhere. No matter what the others believed, John knew that sooner or later he would come face to face with his worst nightmare. He could only hope he was strong enough for the challenge.
"John, let's get you back into bed," Beckett said, a hint of impatience in his voice. He'd been ready to send out a search party when the small group had shown up. Sheppard look paler than before and was bathed in a fine sheen of sweat as he was helped back into bed. "Jenny, set up the antibiotics and get a set of vitals for me."
"Yes, Dr. Beckett."
"John, I'm going to give you something to help with the pain and it'll also help you sleep," Beckett said.
"Thanks, Carson," John said, sighing tiredly before closing his eyes. He heard softly spoken words and felt a sense of warmth wash over him. 'Home,' he thought before the darkness closed around him.
SGASGASGASGASGASGA
"Carson, how is he?" Elizabeth Weir asked. She had been told about the trip that Sheppard's team had taken him on. McKay had stopped by and told her how he'd remembered a couple of things about shooting golf balls off the high tower and that he'd been able to activate the drone chair.
"Aside from being worn out he's doing fine," Beckett explained as they walked toward Sheppard's bed. "The fact that he remembered a couple of things is a good sign."
"Too bad those memories had to involve the Wraith," Weir said. Rodney had told her about Sheppard remembering the Wraith Queen who'd made him kneel and understood how painfully hard that was for a man like Colonel John Sheppard.
"The good memories will come, Elizabeth, but sometimes the bad ones are the first to return. Something about the trauma…I don't really know since that's not my area. Perhaps it's time he spoke with Dr. Heitmeyer."
"She was waiting until you said he was strong enough," Weir explained.
"I will contact her and let her know she can stop by whenever she gets a chance. Perhaps she'll be able to help him understand the memories he does have."
"I hope so, Carson, we really need him back," Elizabeth said.
"I know," Beckett agreed and glanced at the sleeping colonel. No matter how long it took, he knew this was going to be hard on John Sheppard and just as hard on his friends.
"I'd like to stay with him for a while," Weir said.
"All right, but he should sleep for several hours," Beckett told her before making his way toward his office.
SGASGASGASGASGASGA
"Blow it!" Sheppard managed, blood spilling from his mouth and running down his chin.
"No…Teyla, shoot the bastard!" McKay screamed.
"I can't without killing him!" Teyla snapped.
"Blow it! God Damn you, McKay, blow it now!"
"Sheppard…"
"Rodney, you have to!" Teyla said as more and more of the creatures came from the back of the craft.
"McKay…please…just do it," Sheppard said as the bulbous fixture he thought was a mouth formed into a cone that ended in a point aimed directly at his left eye. He screamed as pain shot through his body and John Sheppard knew he was dying as he tried to will McKay's hand to press down on the detonator.
Pain, God help him, but there was so much pain and he'd brought it on himself. 'Blow it!' that's what he'd shouted just before the world around him disappeared in a crimson tide of pulsating light that sent him spiraling into the hellish nightmares that plagued him from the moment he'd woken in Shazzia's chambers.
John knew it had to be a dream…he couldn't be here…not again...he could not live through that again. He could not scream as Shazzia's doctors worked to heal him from the wounds made by her creatures. His breath caught in his throat as fire ignited in his abdomen.
John trembled convulsively and knew there was no way of escaping the hell of Shazzia's laboratories and screamed as something cut into his flesh. Hands held him down as she stood over him, watching his face and smiling at the agony her 'doctors' caused before darkness surrounded him and threatened to plunge him into hell.
"Blow it! God Damn you, McKay, blow it now!"
Those words had sealed his faith the moment he'd uttered them, but he suddenly realized they'd also damned Rodney McKay to his own version of hell. That's what he saw in the man's eyes, guilt so deep that he could easily drown in it. John fought the layers of fog surrounding his memories and began to surface into a world that was both familiar and strange at the same time.
SGASGASGASGASGASGA
"Blow it! God Damn you, McKay, blow it now!"
"John," Weir said as the injured man screamed. She reached out to touch him as Beckett and a nurse hurried toward her.
"No…please, Rodney…God, no…sorry…I'm sorry…"
"John, you're okay," Weir tried as Beckett glanced at the monitors. She could tell he was worried as he gave orders to the nurse, but she didn't speak as the medical staff began working to stabilize the injured man.
"McKay…please…just do it."
"John, you're safe," Weir tried as Sheppard's body arched up on the bed and muscles corded tightly.
"Please…sorry, Rodney…"
"It's okay…"
"Elizabeth, get Rodney here now," Beckett ordered, not all that surprised when the Canadian hurried into the Infirmary.
"What the hell's going on?" McKay snapped.
"Rodney, talk to him. See if you can get him to calm down!" Beckett ordered as McKay took Elizabeth's place.
"John, come on…look at me! You know who I am Sheppard!" McKay ordered.
"Rodney…sorry…didn't mean…didn't know…"
"Didn't know what, John?" the Canadian asked softly as his voice seemed to cut through whatever horror John Sheppard was seeing.
"Didn't mean…Rodney?" John whispered as his eyes finally focused on the man standing next to his bed.
"I'm right here, John, what happened?"
"Nightmare…thought Shazzia's creatures were back."
"What do you remember about the creatures, John?" McKay asked hopefully as the man's brows furrowed.
"Ugly thing…sharp teeth…thought…thought they were going to rip me apart," John answered. "Told you…told you to blow it. Knew…knew how hard it would be, Rodney, but there…there was so much pain and I knew…knew I was going to die anyway. Didn't mean to make you…make you feel guilty about what happened."
"I thought you were dead…thought the damn thing had killed you," McKay said as he others moved back and allowed him to speak with Sheppard.
"Would have…but Shazzia…I think she had some kind of…of transporter like the ones here. One minute I was dying…next thing I was lying…lying on some kind of metal bed and those things were op…operating on me. Felt like they were tearing me apart, but Shazzia told them she…she wanted me alive…"
"I wish…I wish we'd come after you," the Canadian said sorrowfully.
"You couldn't have known…Shazzia took me out just before you blew the ship, Rodney…I remember her laughing…but she was angry too…God she wanted to kill you…"
"I know…believe me I know and if I ever tell you I want to be kidnapped by the beautiful alien female again you have my permission to remind me of that bitch," McKay said. He watched as Sheppard's eyes closed and snapped open again as if the nightmares were still plaguing him.
"Elizabeth…"
"I'm here, John," Weir told him.
"I don't remember everything, but it's coming back in bits and pieces. I know you're supposed to let my brother know I'm alive, but please…don't. Not yet…not until I know everything that's happened…not until I know what I want to do," John told her.
"John, you really should be sleeping," Beckett told his patient.
"I don't think so, Carson…one nightmare is enough," John told him.
"All right…do you feel like talking to Dr. Heitmeyer?" the physician asked.
"Who?" John asked.
"She's a psychiatrist and might be able to help you deal with your nightmares," Beckett answered.
"I guess so," John told him. "Just not sure I'm ready to face them."
"You can stop anytime you feel like it," Weir explained as Beckett left to get Heitmeyer. She studied Sheppard's face and wished she could help him through the nightmares, but she knew there were more to come before his memory returned completely. She silently prayed the psychiatrist could help John Sheppard.
TBC