Remember, Never to Forget---40

John kept his eyes closed and listened to the sounds around him. He knew Beckett's voice, but not the female voice that answered him. He was pretty sure it was Dr. Heitmeyer, but could not picture a face to go with the name.

"Colonel Sheppard…John," Heitmeyer called and smiled as Sheppard's eyes opened.

"I…who are you?" he asked softly.

"I'm Dr. Heitmeyer. Dr. Beckett asked me to look in on you. How are you feeling?"

"Lost," John answered honestly.

"That's understandable, but if you're willing to let me I'll do my best to help you find your way home," the psychiatrist told him before taking a seat in the chair beside his bed.

"Where do we start?" John asked.

"Wherever you want to," Heitmeyer answered, watching as his eyes seemed to look anywhere, but at her. "John, I know it's hard, but if we start with the little things then the bigger things will take care of themselves."

"I remember waking up and there was so much pain and I thought I was dead, but somehow I knew death didn't hurt that much," John told her. "I couldn't think past the pain and all I could see were these damn creatures until she showed up."

"She?"

"Shazzia, God she was beautiful, but she was so damn cold. She told them she wanted me alive so that I would know what it was like to be a slave. She told me I belonged to her and that no one would ever take me away. I couldn't remember anything before the pain and somehow she played on that and kept me at her side. She never let me think about anything and if I did she'd hurt…hurt me in ways you couldn't imagine." John grew quiet as he thought about his time with the slaver and wondered if he'd ever get his memory back or would he have to live with bits and pieces of his life before Shazzia.

"What happened to change her mind?"

"About what?"

"About keeping you with her…how did you end up with Hawk?"

"I'm not sure, but I think it had something to do with Rodney spotting me on one of the planets. I think she thought I was too dangerous a commodity to keep around and she," John sighed heavily as he remembered the day she'd placed him on the auction block.

"What did she do?"

"She sold me…God I don't think I've ever felt that low…that humiliated," John told her, fighting back the emotional tide that threatened to capsize the raft he'd been given since waking on Atlantis. "There were others…a lot of others and we were…we were paraded in front of buyers and they were allowed to bid on us. Hawk…Hawk managed to outbid everyone else and he took me, Tyrel and the others to his ship."

"How did you feel after she sold you?"

"How would you feel?" John snapped, apologizing immediately for the angry words. "I felt angry…but there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. Don't get me wrong, Doc, I tried, but Hawk wasn't going to let me escape. Every time I tried he found some new way to punish me…including marking me."

"That mark can be removed, John…"

"I know, but taking away the memory of its existence is impossible. I have to live with it."

"Yes, you do, but you don't have to let it be a mark of slavery, John, you can make it a mark of freedom once Dr. Beckett removes it."

"There'll still be the memory of why he did it…a mark of ownership," John told her.

"That's what it is now, but as I said the mark left once Dr. Beckett removes it will be a mark of freedom and one you can be proud of. You survived Shazzia and Hawk and when you're ready you will be free to pick up the…"

"The pieces of my life?" John finished with a weak laugh. "I don't think I'll be able to recognize those if they were handed to me on a silver platter."

"It will take a lot of time and patience, John, but I really believe your memory will return…"

"What if it doesn't, Doc? What do I do then?"

"John, I wish I could answer that, John, but right now I can't. What I will say is that each day you seem to be remembering little details and hopefully the bigger picture will clear until you can see your past and your present and look forward to a bright future."

"I hope so, Doc, because I hate being stuck in the dark with just the nightmares to keep me company."

"Do you feel like talking about the nightmares?"

"I don't know…sometimes the nightmares are not really nightmares. They're real."

"Tell me about the real ones," Heitmeyer said and watched his eyes closely, knowing he was fighting to keep his emotions in check.

"There are things out there that are worse than the monsters we can dream up," John told her. "Some look just like us, but we should stay away from them. Hawk…Hawk was…is one of hem. He really believes he has the right to own people…enslave them and make them do what he wants them to do."

"What did he make you do, John?"

"He made me fight in the cages. Made me…made me fight if I wanted Tyrel to go free."

"Who was Tyrel?"

"Tyrel was a kid…can't even remember where he was from, but he became one of Hawk's best fighters. I didn't want to see him like that and had to fight him."

"Fight Tyrel?"

"No, Hawk. I had to fight him and defeat him if I wanted Tyrel's freedom."

"Did you fight him?"

"I did," John said with a hint of a cocky smile. "I beat him…surprised the hell out of him, and paid the price, but at least Tyrel was freed."

"How did you feel when you won Tyrel's freedom?"

"Angry…angry that it wasn't me, but I knew Hawk would never let me go. Not willingly anyway," John answered, sighing tiredly as he shifted on the bed.

"I believe that's enough for today, John," Heitmeyer said as Beckett moved in to check the monitors.

"Thanks, Doc."

"You don't need to thank me, you did all the talking."

"But you listened," John told her as whatever Beckett injected into his IV lulled him toward sleep.

"He's been through hell," Beckett offered.

"And then some. If he wakes up and wants to talk to me just have me paged," the psychiatrist added before leaving the room.

Carson watched the monitors for several minutes, relieved to see the numbers were finally within range of normal. He knew the struggle to bring John Sheppard all the way back was only just beginning, but vowed that he would help the man triumph over the evil that had entered his life. With a last look at the monitors, Carson left the man alone and missed the soft plea that escaped the colonel's throat.

"Please…don't let them t…touch me…"

SGASGASGASGASGA

Suduko watched as the ship landed in the clearing and waited for the newcomers to exit the craft. He knew who his guests were and although he still held resentment toward Shariel, he knew she'd kept her word about speaking with the other slavers. Suduko waited until the duo reached him before acknowledging them with a simple nod of his head.

"Suduko, it is good to see you again."

"Thank you, Kudrone, how are things with you?"

"Shariel and I have come to an understanding and we have spoken with several major 'slavers'. It seems there is a lot of remorse and rethinking on their parts since Shariel has made the move to free her former 'slaves'."

"Suduko, I know I still have a lot to answer for, but believe me when I tell you I will never own another 'slave' and will not welcome a 'slaver' into my home again," Shariel told him.

"Has there been any word on John?" Kudrone asked.

"He is slowly regaining his strength and some parts of his memory," Suduko answered.

"Then it is possible that his memory will return completely," Shariel offered.

"It is possible," Suduko said.

"I hope he will recover and return to his former life," Shariel told them.

"It will take time and patience," Kudrone observed.

"Has there been any news of Hawk or Shazzia?" Kudrone asked.

"Hawk has disappeared. He is probably off licking his wounds and plotting a way to get John back. If I hear of his whereabouts I will lead an assault on him myself," Shariel answered.

"You will have plenty of people ready and willing to follow you in your quest," Suduko assured her.

"I'll keep that in mind, Suduko," Shariel said.

"What of Shazzia?" Suduko repeated.

"There are rumors that she is hiding out somewhere on your world, Suduko," Kudrone offered.

"I have people watching Domitar's home, but there has been no sign of her. That does not mean she is not here," Suduko told them angrily.

"Is there any way of searching Domitar's home?" Kudrone asked.

"Not without alerting him and Shazzia," Suduko explained. "Although, maybe it is time to speak to Corbone."

"Corbone?" Shariel asked.

"He is one of Trazdia's men, but he is not trusted…not for a long time. Trazdia has known of his disloyalty for a long time and has often fed him misinformation. Corbone thinks he is free and clear, but that is far from the truth."

"Do you think he knows where Shazzia is?" Shariel asked.

"Possibly, I will speak to Trazdia about questioning Corbone before the day is out," Suduko vowed.

"Is it okay for us to stay?" Kudrone asked.

"You are welcome in my home, but I must ask you to stay out of sight until after we have spoken with Corbone."

"We will do as you ask," Shariel assured him and followed the big man toward his home.

SGASGASGASGASGA

Shazzia knew she owed her father for what he did for her, but she had never been one to show her feelings and was not going to start now. Domitar had somehow managed to find her a ship, one that was large enough to support more than a dozen crewmembers and even had cells for 'slaves'.

"I know you are used to far more luxurious chambers, Shazzia, but this was the best I could do."

"Domitar, it is a wonderful ship and as soon as I hire a new crew I will be leaving."

"Are you going after John Sheppard?"

"Eventually I will, but for now he is out of reach."

"Corbone was here earlier and told me Sheppard still has not regained his memory."

"I am sure he will remember me. If not I have ways to make him remember," Shazzia said with a hint of a smile.

"Do you think that is wise?"

"John is part of Atlantis' military…commander I believe and with him as my property I will go after those who denied me their allegiance," Shazzia said angrily.

"His people will not stop looking for him."

"They will if they think he's dead. It worked before and I believe it will work again, but this time we will need a body," Shazzia said as she continued to check out the new ship. Her quarters had already been outfitted to her specifications and all that remained was for her to find a crew. It wouldn't take long to find the right people, especially when she tended to pay more than others in her position did.

"They will know it is not John Sheppard."

"Not if we leave them no choice. Perhaps an arm or leg would suffice," Shazzia said coldly.

"You would do that to a warrior?"

"I have done far worse before, Domitar. John Sheppard is my property."

"Not anymore, you sold him to Hawk."

"Hawk has disappeared and that means John goes to whoever is strong enough to take him."

"You believe you are strong enough, Shazzia?"

"I know I am," the woman told him. "We must begin searching for a crew."

"I will speak to several people and have them visit you here," Domitar offered before leaving his daughter alone.

Shazzia ran her fingers along the edge of the bed and felt the softness of the mattress before lying down. This ship would suffice until she found a larger one. Of course the bed was large and she would enjoy making John share it with her even if it meant securing him with restraints. A smile formed on her face at the thought of having the virile body next to her.

"Soon, John, very soon," she whispered seductively.

SGASGASGASGASGA

John knew he was being stubborn, but he was tired of lying in bed when the rest of Atlantis was just outside the doors. He wanted to explore the city and see if it jogged his memory, but Carson was not an easy man to convince. Two weeks had passed since he woke up in the infirmary and discovered a whole new world outside his forced existence as a slave.

Bits and pieces of his memory had returned while he was laid up, but it was the times he spent with his team that brought things closer. Ronon, Rodney, and Teyla were a constant, except when they were on a mission to one of the nearby planets.
God, help him, but he wanted to go with them so badly.

"John, I know you're tired of being in that bed, but…"

"Carson, you said I was getting stronger and that my fever's nearly gone. It's time to let me out of here," John tried.

"What if something goes wrong?"

"I'll call for help. I won't do anything stupid, Carson."

"Where have I heard that before?"

"I don't remember," John said with a mischievous grin as his team came in to the room.

"Did we miss something?" McKay asked.

"Carson was just going to sign my discharge papers," John offered.

"I didn't say that," Beckett told them.

"Come on, Carson, I've been in this bed too damn long. I want…I need to get my memory back," John said.

"I know you do, but…"

"Carson, perhaps if we helped John get settled in his quarters and helped him explore Atlantis…"

"Teyla, I don't need anyone watching me."

"That is not what I meant, John," Teyla said. "I simply meant we could take you to the places that could help you remember…"

"What you vowed never to forget," McKay told him. "Let us help you, John."

John looked at the four people present and realized they were right, yet he hated admitting he needed help. He sighed tiredly as Beckett sat on the edge of the bed.

"I know you hate admitting you need help, Lad, but right now you do. I don't want you exploring Atlantis on your own because there are some things we still know very little about. You're ATA gene is strong and you could easily activate something we know nothing about…"

"Has that happened before?" John asked.

"A time or two," Ronon answered softly.

"Did I hurt anyone?"

"No, but you knew instinctively when to stop," McKay offered.

"And I don't now?" John asked.

"We don't know that, but why take the chance when we could use this as a mission and hopefully help your memory return," Teyla suggested.

"I can't fight all of you," John said and turned to Carson. "Are my walking papers ready?"

"I didn't say you could leave…"

"Come on, Carson…"

"Hold on, John, I just want to make sure everything is in place. I don't want you doing anything more strenuous than lifting a fork to your mouth," Beckett warned. "It's going to take time for your strength to come back and I want you to eat when you're supposed to and drink lots of fluids…"

"I might have a little of that…."

"No!" Beckett interrupted the Satedan. "If I catch any of you giving him anything stronger than a cup of coffee those bedpans are going to be shinier than the top of Colonel Everett's head."

"Who?" John asked.

"You'll meet him in a couple of weeks," Beckett explained.

"Did I meet him before?"

"A few times," McKay said. He didn't really know how he felt about Everett, but the man knew his job although sometimes he let power go to his head.

"I can hardly wait," John said sarcastically. "Carson…."

"All right…I'm letting you out, but that doesn't mean I'm cutting you loose. I want you to check in with me on a daily basis…moe often if you suffer any headaches or…"

"I'll be here, Carson," John vowed and looked around.

"What's wrong, John?" Teyla asked.

"Where are my clothes?"

"Right here," Beckett answered with a smile.

"I think I've been had," John said of the way Beckett and the others had seemingly maneuvered him into agreeing with the physician's orders.

"Indeed," Ronon said while the others left and he reached out to help Sheppard get dressed.

TBC