Remember, Never to Forget---42
Voices, familiar and worried reached him, but he found it hard to reach for them. His body felt heavy and laden down, but his mind kept replaying the memories that haunted him. Visions of creatures who fed on humans plagued him, and he reached for the other images.
John slowly opened his eyes, not really surprised to find Teyla, Ronon, Rodney, Elizabeth, and Carson standing at the foot of his bed. He tried to sit up, but his vision blurred and forced him to lie back down.
"Take it easy, Lad, just lie still a little longer," Beckett warned.
"What happened?" John asked as the others moved to surround him.
"What do you remember?" McKay enquired.
"Ellia…she attacked me…some kind of bug?" John asked.
"The Iratus bug," McKay said and watched as John's hand went to his neck. "It attacked you."
"Stuck something in my neck…felt like a knife in the eye," John whispered.
"That is the way you described it at the time," Teyla explained, relieved that his memory seemed to be returning, but silently wishing it had been a good memory instead of this one.
"Do you remember anything else?" Elizabeth asked hopefully.
"The wraith…kneeling, dark eyes, cold touch…I thought I was going to die," John explained as his hand touched against his chest.
"You've had several encounters with the wraith," Teyla explained. "I believe you came out on top on each of those occasions."
"Really?" John asked softly. "That's not how it looked or felt."
"Maybe not," Elizabeth said with a hint of a smile. "But you're here and for me…for all of us that means you came out on top."
John smiled and managed to sit up in spite of Beckett's warning that he take it easy. He looked down at his hand and realized escaping from the infirmary might not be as easy as he'd hoped. "Hey, Doc, any chance you can take this thing out?"
"Give me a couple of minutes to check you over and get a new set of vitals and I just might let you go," Beckett told him sympathetically. "You're blood pressure bottomed out, Lad…have you been eating?"
"I am…"
"Let me try that again. Have you been eating properly and at regular intervals?" the physician asked.
"I eat, Doc…"
"Is it staying down?"
"Sometimes," John answered honestly. Truth was he was having trouble keeping food down, not because he wasn't hungry, but because of the vivid images and nightmares he was having when he did sleep. Even that was a bit of a problem lately because sleeping meant nightmares, and nightmares meant being a slave to Hawk or Shazzia and creatures with sharp talons that ripped at his skin.
"I can give you something to calm your stomach."
"That's not the problem, Doc," John said.
"What is the problem, John?" Elizabeth asked.
"I'm not sure, but I'll work it out. It's just going to take time, but I think once my memory comes back it'll fix itself," John told them and wished he could ease their worries and fears, but that wouldn't happen until he was back on his feet. "Look, the memories are coming back…just can't wait until…"
"John, what's wrong?" Teyla asked.
"I…Rodney…"
"I'm right here, John."
"You got shot…an arrow…"
"Yes, well, why don't we forget about that?" McKay asked and heard the others chuckling softly.
"In the ass?" John asked, and suddenly understood why the others were laughing. "Carson had you doped up to the gills and you…he told us about you saying 'that's my ass isn't it…"
"Carson, I owe you!" McKay said.
"It's been open season on McKay's ass since then," Ronon added softly.
"He's been the butt of many a wee joke," Beckett said, his eyes filled with mischief as the others tried to cover their laughter.
"Come on! Isn't there something better to talk about than my ass?"
"Oh, I don't know," Weir remarked and made a show of looking at the Canadian's backside. "It looks pretty good from where I stand. What do you think, Teyla?"
"Don't answer that, Teyla!" McKay said as Beckett finished taking John's vitals. It felt good to see Sheppard smile and the fact that he was the 'butt' of the jokes again didn't bother him because it meant John had regained another memory.
"Well, Doc?" John asked when Carson finished listening to his heart.
"I think you can get out of here, but I want you to go eat something. Start with something light…maybe a bowl of soup and crackers. If that doesn't stay put then I want you to come see me and we'll find out if there's anything wrong that I've missed."
"I don't think that's possible…think you poked and prodded me more this time than you did when I was turning into that damn bug," John said, closing his eyes as another image formed in his mind.
"John?" Teyla said and reached for his arm.
"I'm okay…just seems like I'm getting flashes of memories, but they're not complete."
"Hello, John," Heitmeyer said. She'd been summoned by one of Beckett's nurses the minute Sheppard had woken and had to finish with another patient before heading for the infirmary.
"Hey, Doc," Sheppard greeted the newcomer.
"How are you feeling, John?" Heitmeyer asked as the others moved away to give them some privacy.
"I'm okay…just trying to get used to all of this. It feels like there's a television in my head and someone's switching the channels every few seconds," John answered.
"Would you like to tell me what you remember?"
"I remember a lot of things…most of them bad," John told her honestly. "Although, there have been a couple…well, Rodney would rather I didn't talk about those."
"John, the memories are coming back and although most of them seem to be of the darker variety the good ones will also come back."
"I hope so, Doc, because so far it's been mostly nightmares."
"I know, but believe me they'll come," Heitmeyer assured him.
"Doc, what about hypnosis?"
"What about it?"
"Could you…you know?"
"Could I use it to help you remember?"
"Yes."
"It's possible, but there's no way of predicting whether or not they'll be more of what you've been having. Right now I believe your better off letting nature take its course."
"What if Nature decides to be selective? Come on, Doc, I'd rather not live the rest of my life in the dark."
"If Dr. Beckett says it's all right I'll set up an appointment for tomorrow."
"In your office?"
"No, I'd rather we do it here where Dr. Beckett can help if something goes wrong," Heitmeyer told him.
"Thanks, Doc," John said. "Let me know what Carson says."
"Where are you going?"
"To get something to eat before they decide to put in another IV or feeding tube of some kind!" John told her and apologized before heading out of the infirmary. He brushed past Teyla, Rodney, Elizabeth, and Carson, but felt Ronon move with him. With no idea where he was headed, John relaxed and took the lead. There was no need for words, somehow it felt right that the big Satedan was at his side.
"We going for a run?"
"Guess so," John answered the simple question. They reached an area overlooking a section of Atlantis seldom used and without a word they began running along the upper level. John ran, slowly at first, feeling Ronon at his side in sync with each step he took. He knew Beckett would give him hell for this, but it was something he needed to do. He needed to feel the freedom of not trying to regain his memories.
Ronon felt the tension of the man running beside him, but didn't speak as they raced along the corridor. Their footsteps echoed through the area, but no one came to check on them and for that he was grateful. John Sheppard needed this more than he needed anything else. He needed the chance to feel Atlantis around him. Ronon kept pace with his friend, but could easily have outraced him, but it had been so long since he'd done this with Sheppard.
John felt the strength at his side and continued to race even as his lungs felt ready to burst. His legs ached as muscles not used to such activity strained to keep up the grueling pace. He continued along the corridor, listening to their footsteps even as his heart hammered in his chest. He had no idea how long they ran, but pain won out in the end as his leg gave out and he sank to the floor.
"You all right?"
"Yes, think so," John said and rubbed his right leg.
"Leg bothering you?"
"A little, I guess this wasn't a good idea."
"How do you feel?"
"Aside from the leg I feel great."
"Hungry?"
"Could eat something."
"The mess?"
"Sounds good," John answered.
"Let me know when you're good to go."
"Ask me next week," John answered and wasn't sure if he was joking even as he struggled to stand.
"Want me to bring you back something?"
"No…I'm good," John told him and smiled. "Thanks."
"For?"
"For not picking up the pace."
"Becket would put me on bedpan duty."
"Now that's something I'd like to see."
"Yeah, well he'd have you back in the infirmary if he knew you'd done this."
"Damn, you're not going to tell him are you?"
"Your secrets safe with me," Ronon said and waited for Sheppard to set the pace again.
SGASGASGASGASGA
Shazzia stretched out on the bed in her quarters and listened to the sound of the engine as her ship gliding through the atmosphere of another planet. So far she'd been unable to find any information on John Sheppard except that he was back at his home on Atlantis. He belonged with her and sooner or later he would be warming her bed whether he wanted to or not.
Shazzia sat up and slid her legs from the bed as thoughts of John Sheppard kept her from sleep. She wondered if his memory had returned now that he was home or was he still her 'slave'. Would he remember the nights he'd lain in her bed while she explored his body? Nothing had happened beyond her touching; mostly because John had been in so much pain that pleasure had been the furthest thing from his mind.
Shazzia slowly dressed before leaving her room and making her way to the control room. She trusted the man who piloted her ship, but there were times when she wanted to feel in control. Domitar had not lied when he said this was a good ship in spite of her size and she had already decided it would be her main vessel even after she achieved her goal of owning enough 'slave ships' to make her queen of the galaxy.
"Shazzia, you look tired."
"I am, Defano, but sleep will not come to me so I am going to take the controls for a while."
"As you wish," Defano said and relinquished the ship to the vessel's owner.
"Why don't you go spend some time with your lovely mate while there is nothing pressing to contend with?"
"I believe that is a wonderful idea. I heard from Quotia."
"What did she have to say?"
"It seems Shariel is no longer one of us."
"What does that mean?"
"She has given up 'slaving' in favor of Kudrone."
"She could have had him and kept her 'slaves' if she had been patient."
"Love does strange things to those inflicted with the disease."
"You think love is a disease, yet you have a mate…do you not love her?"
"Perhaps, but it does not blind me to the life I have chosen."
"What life is that, Defano?"
"Perhaps if you would turn control of the ship to another I could show you."
"If I were not so tired I might take you up on that offer."
"Is it that you're tired or simply that your mind is filled with memories of another man?"
"I believe Domitar was right when he told me you can read people without trying," Shazzia said with a smile.
"My race is well known for that, Shazzia."
"I know...it's why I chose you as part of my crew," Shazzia told him. "Perhaps after I've had some sleep I will take you up on your offer."
"I look forward to it," Defano said before leaving the control room.
Shazzia thought about the man's offer and was tempted to call him back, but right now her mind was on another man. John Sheppard had much to offer including a way for her to get back what she had lost. As a military member of Atlantis he would be a valuable asset to her, one that would help her show the other 'slavers' that she was a natural leader and should be given the respect of such a position.
SGASGASGASGASGA
John lay back on his bed and placed locked his fingers together behind his head. Atlantis was quiet as the natural order of night took over and most people took to their beds. He had eaten a light meal of soup and crackers with Ronon before excusing himself and making his way back to his quarters.
That had been nearly three hours ago and sleep was something that was still beyond his reach. He sat forward and rubbed at his leg as Beckett's warning repeated silently inside his mind. John knew it was his decision when to have the surgery, but Carson had warned him the longer he waited the more damage he could do to his leg.
John rubbed his face and leaned on his knees as he tried to remember his life before Shazzia and Hawk. Why couldn't he remember Atlantis? Why couldn't he remember flying a Jumper or going through a stargate? Why was it so hard to remember Elizabeth and Teyla, and Carson and Elizabeth? Why did Rodney seem to be the only one whose memory stayed with him? Could it have something to do with his being the last person he'd spoken to before his life had gone to hell?
John stood up and paced back and forth in his room, unaware that the limp was noticeably worse. He knew he had to get away fro a while, but where and would Elizabeth give permission for him to go? Did it really matter whether she did or not? John rubbed his forehead and frowned when he heard a soft knock on his door. Expecting it to be Elizabeth or Teyla, he was shocked when he opened it and found a weary eyed Rodney McKay standing there.
"Can I come in?"
"Guess so."
"Did I wake you…I didn't did I because if I did I can come back later or earlier as the case may be."
"Rodney, you're rambling," John said and motioned the man inside.
"Sorry, I just…I couldn't sleep and I kept thinking about you," McKay said and frowned when he watched John walk across the room and sit on the bed. "Do you want me to call Carson?"
"What for?" John asked softly.
"Your leg's bothering you isn't it?"
"A little, but it's not bad right now. What time is it, Rodney?"
"Three in the morning."
"Why aren't you sleeping?"
"I was thinking about you and what you've been through," McKay said sadly. "I wish…I wish I could have done something different."
"From everything I've been told and everything I remember you had no choice, Rodney. I told you to blow it…"
"I know, but it doesn't make it any easier, John. I thought…I thought I killed you," McKay said.
"Rodney, even if I had died it wouldn't have been your fault. Hell, I know what I went through with Shazzia and Hawk and that's bad enough, but sometimes I remember those creatures too and what they did to those people. I…"
"John, what's wrong?"
"I don't know. I just…I feel like I need to get away from here for a while," John told him.
"Where would you go?"
"I don't know…back to Earth maybe," John answered.
"Is that really what you want to do?"
"No…not really, but I need some space, Rodney. I need to go somewhere so I can think and maybe make some sense of what happened."
"John, do you remember Suduko?"
"Big guy…massive arms."
"That's him. He has a home in the mountains…a place they call the Retreat. It's beautiful there and reminds me of the Rocky Mountains up around Jasper and Banff," McKay said.
"What does that have to do with my getting away?"
"Suduko invited us back there whenever you felt up to traveling. I believe it's the perfect place for you to relax and think. Suduko's sister is a wonderful cook and I'm betting she'll take you under her wing and get you eating again."
"I don't know, Rodney."
"What harm could it do, John?"
"I'll think about it," John said and stood up. "I'm kind of tired, McKay…"
"What did you say?" the Canadian asked excitedly.
"I said I'm kind of tired," John answered.
"No, you said I'm kind of tired, McKay," Rodney said with a grin.
"Yeah, so?"
"You haven't called me that since you disappeared," McKay told him.
"So?"
"It's a sign, John, a good sign that your memory is coming back," Rodney told him. "Look, get some sleep and we'll talk about this again in the morning. Think about what I said, John, I really think it'll do you good…do us both some good."
"I'll think about it, Rodney," John said and closed the door when the other man left. He looked at the bed tiredly and lay down in spite of the trepidation he felt.
TBC