hey all :)
so i tried to get this up a couple days ago, but certain restrictions prevented me.
but nonetheless, here's what you've been waiting for. finally, the meeting between Danny and Lindsay.
now, don't get me wrong, it's gonna get angsty, and you'll probably be confused at the very end, but now we're starting to see why Danny left in the first place.
as always, enjoy :)
Chapter 4
She slammed the door in his face.
What else was she going to do? Her heart was telling her to jump into his arms, but her head was telling her to get away, fast. So naturally, all she could think to do was to slam the door. And indeed she did. Only to be greeted by a much more intense knocking than before. But who was she kidding? She had to be stupid if she thought he was going to let her off that easy. Maybe if she gave herself a second or two, she could regain enough composure to dismiss him in a nicer fashion, one that was possibly less violent than the beat down she thought he deserved.
"Linds, is everything okay?" She was startled by Cameron's voice behind her, forgetting that she wasn't the only person in the building for a second there.
"Yeah…Yeah, everything's fine, I just…door, it slipped, I'll get it."
She tried to calm herself before she reopened the door. No matter how much she tried, she knew she wouldn't be able to contain herself when she saw his face again. It was just too much. But she would try; she would fight like hell not to let him see the pain and fear in her eyes. Because if he saw her like this, she knew he could break down all the barriers that she had spent so long building up; all of that would come crashing down, sending her right back into his arms. And she knew that it would be better for the both of them if that didn't happen. So, putting on her bravest face, she reluctantly opened the door to see a startled and somewhat broken Danny Messer staring back at her.
His eyes were what really caught her attention. She knew that once she was lost in his gaze, there was no turning back. No matter how hard she tried to look away, she was dazed, as if in a trance. He was hypnotizing her with his eyes, and there was no escape. It was just like old times, their gazes locked, the intensity of the moment so hot they could feel the warmth radiating between them. Right now, here in this moment, that intensity was stronger than ever. It had been so long since they had seen each other that it was as if all the passion between them had built up over the years and was now releasing itself. Their connection was so strong at this point that it was making her dizzy.
She shook her head, trying to regain the balance that he had taken from her. This was going to be hard.
Closing the door behind her, she tried to put on her toughest look, sending him the message that he wouldn't be standing there for very long.
"Hey Montana. Kind of a rude way to say hello, dontcha think?" He started off trying to crack a joke, but he knew his sarcasm had been a bit much as soon as the words had rolled off his tongue. The gaze she gave him was so intense, he thanked his lucky stars her eyes weren't the daggers he now saw them as.
"Don't start with me Danny," she began shakily. "What, what do you want?"
Now it was his turn to be nervous. The inimical tone in her voice was something he had never heard before. It startled him. What did he say? Did he start off by dropping to his knees and pleading with her? Surely she would understand that he was deeply sorry and in just as much pain as she was. Or did he start off with the fact that, in the room behind her, there had been another man and a child? Had she really moved on that quickly? Sure, it had been four years, but to find someone else and start a family with them as quickly as she had, he couldn't figure it out. Something was off here, and he had to figure out why. In the mean time, he was standing in the middle of her hallway with a dumbstruck look, staring into space.
"Danny…Hello, earth to Danny Messer? Did you hear me? What do you want, Danny?"
What did he do now? She was interrogating him like he was the prime suspect in a murder case, and he knew that when she was questioning a suspect, she wouldn't give up. She would stare that person down until they reached a breaking point, until they were melted in the palm of her hand. And as he stood there staring into her eyes, he could feel himself being to turn to goo. She would win, she always did and she always would. He knew that, he knew that all too well. All she had to do was give him that look, and he would instantly bend to her every whim, no matter how ridiculous. This time was no exception. He began to plead.
"Linds, I, I miss you. You don't get it, I'm fucking stupid, so stupid Lindsay, and I shoulda come back, you know as well as I do I shoulda never stayed for as long as I did. It was too long Linds, way too long to be away from you. I gotta make it up to you, I just gotta. Any way I can do that, you just say the word and it's done. Just let me come back to you Lindsay, let me come back in. I can't spend another second without you Montana. I miss you so much, so much, and I can't believe how much of a fucking idiot I've been. I'm sorry Lindsay, so sorry. You really don't understand how much I regret not coming back. Just let me fix this, please?"
The tears began rolling before the first sentence had been said, and they just continued as he searched her face for an answer; for anything really, but he couldn't read any emotion on that beautiful face of hers. What was going on in that clever little head? Was she going to forgive him, or slap him across the face? He was still trying to figure her out when he was suddenly taken aback by her icy words.
"Fuck off Danny. Just fuck off. Do you really expect me to just take you back, just like that? Because if you do, you're wrong. Do you realize what hell you have put me through? You left, Danny, and not just for those couple of months. That I could have dealt with. That, I completely understood. You needed your time, and I respected that. But you didn't come back. Hell, you didn't even call to tell me yourself that you wouldn't be back, you left your dirty work to Mac and Stella. Do you know why? Because you're a coward Danny. You left me broken, and completely devastated. You think you get it but you just don't. You think you can just, just apologize your way through and it will all be better. But you know what? I'd expect that from a selfish bastard like yourself. You think it's all fixable with a sorry and an 'it won't happen again,' but this time's different Messer. I'm not that easy to get through to. You broke through to me once, and you ruined all of that. Now, get the hell out of my face, get the hell out of my apartment, and get the hell out of my life."
The look on her face was as cold as her words were. She meant it, she meant every word of what she had said, and he was still trying to wrap his head around the fact that she wanted him gone. He knew she would be angry, he wouldn't blame her for that in the least, but the fact that it was all now happening just seemed to smack him in the face. She really wanted him gone, and he couldn't stand being without her for another second. But he couldn't bear to be away from her again. He just couldn't stand being without her; he needed her presence in his life, she completed him, made him whole, and he wasn't going to let her go. Not this easily anyway.
"Linds, wait, just here me out. I know what I did was wrong. It was stupid and selfish and frankly, I can't believe you've allowed me to keep standin. I'm all of those things you called me times ten; I'm an arrogant bastard and I don't deserve to have you. But despite all that, I still have to fight, I gotta Linds, or I'll at least die tryin. You are the most important thing in my life, and I took advantage of that, I know I did. And I'm more sorry than I can say for everything that has happened. But you can't honestly say you don't still feel for me. At least a little bit…? You know there's still somethin here Lindsay, I can see it in your eyes. You're scared to let me back in, aren't you? You're afraid it's gonna happen again. And you know, I don't blame ya. I know I've fucked up in the past; I left you hangin and that's not right, that's not right at all. Especially seein how much I care about you. Lindsay Monroe, look at me for a second."
He saw that she had begun to stare at her feet, something she had always done when she was nervous. She had tears in her eyes, which was expected, but he hated that he was once again the cause of them. He was going to fix this.
"Hey. Lindsay, look at me," he repeated himself as he took a risk, gently putting his hand underneath her chin to raise her head. The look in her eyes was defeat. They were sad and tired, and he hated it when she looked this way. Her arms still crossed, she gazed deeply into his big blue eyes. They were full of sorrow, of intensity, of the truth. This is what she had been afraid of. She knew he was sorry, and that he would do anything in the world to fix it. But she was still unsure of her own feelings, of what she wanted to come from this. Did she want him back? Of course she did, that was without a doubt what she had always hoped would happen. But now that he was back, standing right in front of her, she didn't know anything anymore. For now, she was lost in his gaze.
"God how I've missed you," he whispered in a husky voice, one that sent a chill up her spine.
She could barely utter a response. She was frozen, with fear or excitement she was still unsure of. They were both caught there in that moment, staring at each other intently. There wasn't any place else either of them would have rather have been, for that moment anyway. She knew she would probably regret it, but for now, she would savor this. She had missed him so much, and now they were back in each other's arms. It was perfect, nothing could ruin this moment between. It was like the bittersweet reunion they had been waiting for.
Staring at each other, both with their jaws partially dropped, he cautiously moved his hand up from her chin to stroke her cheek. God, it had been so long since he had touched her, since he had felt the softness of her skin. It sent a rush of electricity up his arm that quickly spread throughout his entire body. In response to this, she covered his hand with her own, instinctively. She felt the current as he did, swimming throughout her entire body, reminding her of all the times they had been together. It was as if time stood still, and they were the only people standing there in that hallway. Realizing this, he decided to take another risk. He bent his head towards hers, taking in the rest of her face with his other hand, their gazes locked the entire time. It seemed to be happening in slow motion, every move they made, their lips centimeters apart. She could feel the warmth of his breath on hers, and then it hit her.
Or rather, she hit him.
Hard. Right in the side of the face.
What was she doing? Was she really going to let him off that easy?
Hell no.
"Daniel Messer, don't you EVER touch me again, you hear me? I want you OUT of here. Turn your sorry ass around and get the fuck out of my face!"
The rage was still swimming through her, as was the stinging in her hand. It was like she was on an anger high. One more false move and she would have him dead on the ground. As she watched him nurse his wound, she couldn't help but laugh. He deserved it. He thought he could take her back just like that, but she wasn't going to let that happen. If he was ever going to win her back, she would make him fight like hell to make it happen. And he sure as hell wasn't going to get away with this little stunt he had tried to pull. As much as she had enjoyed every second of it, they had moved too fast, much too fast. She still held a burning hatred over his head, and if he wanted to cool the fire, he was going to have to bring a lot more ice the next time he showed up at her door. For now, they were done. He would just have to try again some other day. Another day much farther down the road, she hoped, because she wasn't sure how much more of this she could take. She had almost surrendered to his will, and she knew if she knew that if she hadn't have been so fumed right now, she would be right back in his arms, apologizing and trying to comfort him.
But she wouldn't let that happen. He was going to leave, and she was going to attempt to return to her safe little family portrait that seemed to be hanging on the wall. It wasn't reality; she, Bailey and Cameron were no more a family than she and her high school boyfriends. She knew this perfect picture she had painted herself that evening would never last. So for now, she would just imagine a life without imperfections, and she would deal with the flaws at a later date in time.
"Lindsay, listen to yourself, you don't want me to leave, just let me back in--"
"Danny, do not test me right now. If you fear for your life, you'd better start marching your ass down those stairs and back to Flack's place. You really don't want to make me more angry than I already am right now. So I suggest you just go. Leave. Don't come back until you're ready to actually face this like a man instead of whoring you way back to me."
She turned and opened the door, once again revealing a playful Bailey and Cameron at the table, eating pizza and joking like any normal father and daughter would. She hardly noticed that Danny was still there, watching it all, until she turned back around to close the door.
"So…who is this prick? And the little one, when did that happen?" The look on his face was more than shot down, more than the devastation she had expected him to have. It was complete and utter defeat, like someone had shot him point blank in the chest and left him standing there to fish out the bullet. And as far as Lindsay was concerned, he deserved it. He didn't deserve to have this life, and for all the pain he had put her through, she would let him have a taste of his own medicine.
"Don't you dare talk about Cameron that way. He's much more of a man than you will ever be. Now, get the hell out of here. I don't want you scaring my daughter."
My daughter.
Those words hit him harder than any of the others she previously stated had. It was like a blow to the head, followed by triple cardiac arrest and a knife twisting deep inside him. No. It was much worse than that. Lindsay had had a daughter. A beautiful, healthy, bouncy young child that reminded him so much of her. Staring at the small girl eating pizza at the kitchen table he had sat at so many times before, he realized how much she resembled her mother. That wavy, dirty blonde hair, those big eyes, her petite figure, the way she could melt any man with just one look, much like she was doing at that moment to Cameron. He envied that man so much, so much that he wished he could throw him out the window at that very moment. But he wouldn't. He couldn't. He knew he deserved to look on as an innocent bystander in all of this. But it just hit him so hard, harder than anything in his life ever had. He didn't know if he could take it anymore. He had no choice. He just had to pick up and leave. He would go back to Flack's and sulk, just as she knew he would. He just didn't know what he was going to do from there.
"Uhh…yeah, I'll just…I'll just, be on my way then I guess…Have a nice life Linds. She's beautiful, and I'm sure her father is just as proud as you are. I, I wish you all the best."
Turning to leave, he began to break down, much as she had in the previous twenty four hours. It was like his whole world had come crumbling down on top of him. His head was spinning, images of the past flashing before his eyes. Memories of them together were swimming in his thoughts, and he just wanted it all to go away. How he wished he could just fall into a permanent sleep, and dream of the life he would have had, he should have had, with Lindsay. He was so caught up in his misery that he didn't hear her softly call his name down the hallway.
"Danny, wait…" But when he didn't respond, she knew what was going on in his head. And she knew that deep in her heart, no matter how much she reasoned with herself, he truly didn't deserve this. No matter how much she tried to tell herself that he had this coming to him, she knew this was too much. As she watched him aimlessly wander down the hallway towards the elevator, she began to silently weep. He became smaller and smaller as the distance between them grew farther and farther apart. It was just like the last time he had left, only this time, they were both equally to blame. And this time, she didn't know what was going to happen to him. Would he wander into a bar, or worse, into the middle of the street? She had crushed him, and she knew she would take the blame for anything that happened to him.
She walked back into the apartment sulkingly, knowing that they were both quite miserable now. She tried to put on a brave face for Bailey, but she knew the little girl was too smart for her own good. As soon as Cameron left, her inquisitiveness would spark and she wouldn't give up until she got the answers she wanted.
Lindsay walked over to the window in the living room that overlooked the front of the building and watched as Danny slowly walked over to his bike, head down, and drove away. She prayed that, wherever he was going, he would make it there safely. Crossing back over to the kitchen, she assured Cameron that all was well, and informed him that it would be best if he left for the night. They said their goodbyes, and after giving Bailey a dozen hugs, Cameron made his exit.
"Look, Linds, you know if you need anything, anything at all, you just say the word and I'm here in a second."
"Thanks Cam, but I really need to do this on my own. I'll see you at work."
"Alright. I'll see you Linds."
Letting out a sigh, she began to clear the dishes off the table. Bailey, tagging along right under her feet, was already starting with the questions.
"Mommy, who was that guy? And why are you sad again? Were you guys talking about Nemo? Cause if he told you he died, he really didn't. He should watch the movie again."
Setting the dishes on the counter, Lindsay picked Bailey up and put her on her hip. She hated mixing her daughter up in all of this, but she knew the child was smart enough to see through her lies. It was time she told the truth for once.
"That man was…well, he's an old partner of mine. We used to work together, sort of like me and Cameron do now. I haven't seen him in a long time and the last time he left, it made me sad because we were such good friends. Since he came back, I started remembering when he left, and it just made me a little sad, that's all. Do you understand sweetie?"
"Yeah, I guess. But mommy, why did he say that Uncle Cameron was my daddy? He's not my daddy, is he?"
"No baby girl, he's your Uncle Cameron, just like he's always been."
"Then mommy, if Uncle Cameron isn't my daddy, who is my daddy?"
Here it was. The question she had been dreading for four years.
How was she going to explain this to a little girl?
The tears started rolling again, as if her tear switch was stuck on high, and there was no way to turn it off.
This was going to be a long night.
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Danny had been riding for miles now. Where he was heading, he didn't exactly know. But he knew for sure that he wouldn't be stopping any time soon. He just had to keep riding; it would clear up his thoughts at least a little. The one thing he couldn't get out of his head was the look in her eyes when they had almost kissed for the first time in too long. The way she looked eager, yet terrified, the way he could look deep into her soul with just a glimpse of those big brown eyes. He couldn't shake that from his memory, and it was killing him inside. The other thing that had him was the picture in his head of that little girl. She was perfect in every single way, and he couldn't get over the fact that she was so much like her mother. And he hadn't even caught her name. She was everything he had ever imagined in his own daughter, and yet she wasn't his. He couldn't believe Lindsay had really and truly moved on.
He had to keep riding. Maybe the cold air whipping past his face would send him into shock, or at least numb the pain for awhile. After a good two and a half hours, he ended up at the one place that would calm him, as ironic as it was. He pulled up to the gates, parked his bike, and took the all too familiar walk up the pathways, knowing instinctively which way to turn like it had been inscribed into his brain, like his feet had been trained to walk this way. After many twists and turns, he arrived at the gravestone labeled "Messer", and knelt down beside it, resting his hand on top of the marble stone.
"Hey mommy, daddy, Louie…you don't know how lucky you are to be where you are right now. I miss you so much. But you're in a better place than I am. I love you guys. I'm just so sorry I couldn't have saved you…"
He wept in silence in front of the grave, holding a the faded family photo that was laid in on the ground in front of him. If only things could be this way again. So simple, so innocent. He wished he could have his family back, his mother and father, his brother.
His Lindsay.
What he would give to have them back.
He was still knelt on the ground weeping when the sun rose the next morning.