This is more of a filler than anything. Thanks to 60sVegVamp for the reviews.
I was once again awoken by beeping from my heart monitor. This time I was prepared for the pain and was able to keep from crying out. Though the pain was still as bad as ever, it seemed that my mind had cleared significantly. But with the clarity came no solutions. I was still at a loss for what to do as ever.
I began to shake as a feeling of hopelessness began to take over my body. It increased the pain and I didn't know how I was going to keep from screaming. Then all of a sudden a calm spread through my body. Not enough to take away the pain, but enough to help get a hold on myself. The realization hit me as I figured out the reason for the lessening of my pain: Jasper. I turned in my bed and was met by a pair of golden eyes, though not the ones I had expected.
"Alice?" came my trembling voice. And then tears filled my eyes and I began to sob. I was so happy to see her. Her presence seemed to quell the remaining pain somewhat. The I remembered what she had done. How she had destroyed my one chance to free myself from my depression. Anger started to make itself known. It started to brim over and I couldn't hold back the flow of words.
"Why!? Alice how could you do this to me? Why couldn't you just leave me alone? I can't take this. What am I going to do? You stole my chance to be free. I can't take this anymore. Don't you understand!? Why? Why!? WHY!?"The pain came back full force. I couldn't prevent the scream from ripping from my lips. I curled back into myself and gripped my hair as I fought to control the pain. It was as if I had started all over again and I couldn't handle the onslaught of emotions flowing through me.
All this time Alice had remained silent and I looked up to see why. There was so much hurt etched into her face and anger darkened her eyes. She looked into my eyes and before I could blink she had dashed out of the room. It surprised me because I can't ever remember being around Alice when she hadn't had something to say.
Only seconds after her departure Carlisle made his way into the room. As his eyes locked onto me sorrow filled the depths. Now not only was I in pain, but I was causing pain in the people around me. I was a monster. They loved me and this is what I put them through. I wish Alice had let me die, because then people would mourn me and move on. They wouldn't have to be ensconced by my ever-present hurting.
I broke eye-contact with Carlisle and forced the pain to the back of my mind. I could do this. This pain would not keep my incapacitated. I needed my head to clear so that I could figure out a solution to this disaster. I knew everyone would try to stop me. I couldn't plan yet. It had to be something quick. If Alice found out she would stop me again. I started to go through scenarios in my head only to be cut off by Carlisle's voice.
"Bella, how are you feeling?"
I gave him a blank stare.
"Stupid question, sorry." He gave a nervous chuckle and came to sit in the chair by my bed. I saw pain, hurt, and uncertainty flash through his eyes.
"Bella, I want to help you, but I don't know what to do, what to say. I just wish I knew how to help."
"You can't," my voice broke as I said it and I struggled to stay in control.
Pain flashed through his eyes, but his face remained a cool mask.
"Bella, tell me what you're feeling. Tell me why you did this."
"You know why. It hurts too much to keep living. Why couldn't Alice just leave me alone? I can't take it Carlisle. It's too much. It's too much. I want to die. I just want this pain to stop. Why can't you understand? Please just leave me alone. Please. I just want to die! I just-,"
My chest began to tighten and I couldn't draw a breath. My throat felt like it had closed up and I started to claw at it. Immediately Carlisle grabbed my hands to keep me from hurting myself.
"Bella! Calm down. Look into my eyes. You're okay. Everything is okay. Breathe. Come on Bella, breathe. Breath!"
I couldn't do what Carlisle was telling me. I had no control. I began to feel lightheaded and was panicking. There was nothing I could do. I felt so helpless. Carlisle was still yelling at me, but I couldn't hear it. My vision was beginning to fade and with it my pain. It was a relief, but I knew that soon I would be right back where I started. The pain would come back as strong as ever and I couldn't do anything to stop it. Well, there was something I could do, but I had already failed once. Would I ever be free from this pain?
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