Chapter 4

I can't breathe.

"Huh ... of course he will walk!" I almost shout, convinced of the words I utter. But the doctor's look says that he meant what he had just said.

"Is this.... I mean, you're sure? If you operate him again when he is better, you can remove the fragment, right?"

"There is nothing we can do for the moment. And to be honest, when we are able to operate, the fragment may have moved and caused irreversible damage."

"Then you operate him now, before the fragment moves again!"

"We can not do that. Not now."

"But you've just said that if you wait, it can get worse!"

"That's why we need to talk to his family; your friend is not in a position to decide what's best for him. All we are trying to do now is keeping him alive."

"But ... paralyzed...no way... Starsky will not go with this, I mean..."

I can not find the words. I am looking at Rachel. Tears are rolling down her cheeks, silently. She is trying to hold together. Then she stands up, I come close to her and put an arm around her shoulders.

"He will make it, Rachel. You'll see. He is a fighter. Dammit, no way some stupid piece of metal is gonna stop him. He'll walk again, you'll see."

I am trying to sound reassuring, but I am uttering the words to reassure myself at the same time.

*******

I need to see your eyes. I need that deep blue look. I need to be reassured.

The doctor has given us with a profusion of sophisticated terminology all the details about your condition and future treatment. They are gonna give you a series of strong antibiotics to prevent further infection. You are also given anti-inflammatory drugs to reduce the oedema round the spine where the bullet hit you. They are doing a lot of X-rays and scans and whatever they are good at, to precisely locate that damn bullet!

Why the hell did you say you were sorry, when lying in my arms with that bullet in your back?

Man, I am the one to be sorry you had to take that one. This is complete nonsense! We were not even on duty. But why did you have to jump between Anna and me, and that lunatic?

Please, Buddy, you need to wake up. You need to get well. You need to be whole again, so we can run in the park together, and go bowling together and... Geez, here I am, right next to you, holding your hand, talking to myself, looking at you. It's been a week now, you slept enough.

Please, wake up, Starsk, don't leave me like this.

*******


Hi Starsk. It's me. It's Hutch. I'm right here. I went to fetch your Mom. Rachel is here. It'd be great if you could open your eyes for her. What do you think, huh? Now would be a good moment. So she can feel better. I can see she is aging by the day. She traveled a long way to see you, to hold your hand and whisper motherly and tender words.

Why don't you react, dammit?

I'm sorry, Buddy, it's just that I have never been alone without you for so long. I miss you laugh. Your jokes about nurses. There is a blond one, very pretty, who you would run after for sure, as soon as you are out of here. Listen to me! Am I losing it? I just can't believe what the doctors told us. That you may never walk again. Nonsense! Of course you're gonna be on our feet. It will take time, that much is certain, but you'll make it. You always make it! You pulled me out of bad situations enough times, you have no right to leave me here by myself now. You hear me?

OK, I'm going home now, I'll put up the sheet up on you torso so you don't get cold. Can you feel my hand in your hair? Gee, you'll need a haircut, when this is all over. And you look so pale. What do you say if we take a couple of weeks and head for a sunny spot... like Bolivia for example. Whaddya think, pal?

Good night, Starsk, sleep well. I'll come early tomorrow morning.

*******


Almost ten days now. Rachel was here at your side last night, gently holding and rubbing your hand. I can see she is exhausted. I can see the fear in her eyes. Afraid that you may rejoin your dad. What will become of her? Nick is too involved in his little almost-legal business to care. We could not reach him. He does not know what happened to you. Where is he when you need him? You were always there, more like a father than a brother when he needed you.

I don't give a damn about him.

I am right here, your brother, your pal.

Your mother is here too. That's all you need.

*******


This morning was the greatest moment of my life. You opened your eyes. And I was there, next to you! Thank God. I was granted your first look when you came out of your coma. I hope you recognized me. No sign of a faint smile, but you woke up, that's all that counts for now. Tomorrow is another day.

*******


The doctor told me that you may be out of your coma for good now. Yet, he explained so many steps about your recovery that I forgot most of it. Mainly that you're gonna need help for a long time. Gunther's bullets weakened your organism far too much and he said that this time, there is little chance that you may continue to be a cop! Starsk, I don't know how you're gonna take this. Being a police officer is all your life, it's what you wanted all along, hitting the streets, busting bad guys, enforce the law, work by the Book.

Here I go again!
Thinking about what I could do out there without you. Well, they were wrong once. They may be wrong again now. Just get better, Partner. We'll make it, against all odds, as before.

*******


Anna has been very patient these last days, visiting you a little bit everyday. Waiting for me at home. Yet usually I hardly spend more than a couple of hours at our place, taking care of bills, trying to grab a bite to eat, taking a quick shower and rushing back to you. Thank God she understands. I need to be with you, like last time, this way you'll make it through.

*******


I am so sorry you had to go through this again, just a couple of years after Gunther's contract on you! I just can't help thinking that it was not meant to be. Something went wrong, I should have been more aware and spotted the madman on time. I should have told everyone around to hit the floor or take cover. Last time, in the Central parking, I shouted at you to get down but you got hit anyway. Seems I'm no good anymore in moments of crisis anymore.

What's wrong with me? When Gillian was still alive, we were running after bad guys and I suddenly once froze in panic while you were getting closer to them. Remember? I was not there for you! I was shaking and scared as hell.

This time, I was not even scared, I just did not react properly. Look where you are now. Because of me. I am so sorry, Babe.

*******


I don't feel too good and Anna pushed me into an appointment with a doctor. He prescribed me some relaxation stuff so that I would sleep better. These nightmares are slowly taking their toll on me; each night I see you dead on the floor, with your blood on my hands and all over me, and I cry. I wake up screaming. Anna is trying to comfort me, but two days ago, I ended up screaming at her too, for no reason. It took her more than an hour to calm me down with gentle words and caresses. We haven't made love since that awful night. I just can't. I feel like shit inside. I can't touch her and love her and be happy with her. Not as long as you're fighting for your life.

Huggy is visiting you too and calling me every two days or so. He invited me several times to drop by at the Pits but I don't feel like it. All the places we went together are just empty without your laugh to fill up the air.

I think the weight is heavier this time than last time. Am I getting weak? I don't wanna take drugs to prevent a depression. I am not depressed; I am mad at myself! When you are better, I will be too. But it's sure taking a long time for the doctors to fix you this time. They said you'd need another operation soon, when your heart is strong enough to cope, in order to remove another fragment. There is one so close to your spine that is bothering them. That's the one pressing against the nerve and preventing your legs from reacting. I did not get it all. My ears were listening carefully, but my mind could only focus on the image of you walking again.

TBC

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Take care, Prolixius5.