Chapter 5

It has been three weeks now.

And hell, the day they told you about your condition, I was not there! Rachel was.

You insisted on them telling you the truth. When I entered your room later on that day, you smiled faintly at me but I felt as if you had hit me with a knife. You never liked soapy scenes all right. But how could you do this to me, Man? Why didn't you wait for me to be there at your side when they were going to tell you? I feel even worse to have missed that moment.

Now, you know I had been aware of your true condition all along and I did not speak to you about it. I had been lying, comforting you, and talking about the future as if nothing was wrong. Now there is this little gap between us which never was there before. The first time I kept silent. Omitting words. I could never have told you.

I guess I was still hoping for that miracle.

God, please, could you grant us one more? Just this once? I don't wanna loose his friendship because of that omission. But how can I say to my best friend he is never gonna walk again?? That his life as a man and a cop is over. Seeing him on the floor a few years ago when Gunther struck... it seemed as if they had hit me too. We made it together back then.

Why did I miss the opportunity to be honest again with him this time?

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...

Each day now brings some more pain to your body as you try to slowly recover some very limited physical capacities. It also brings more pain to my heart as the doctor told me that this time, I could not help you as I did after the Gunther episode.

This time, you need thorough medical and rehabilitation support. After you have undergone a final operation to relieve the inflammatory syndrome from your back and when they think you're ready for it, they will send you to New York. They say they have one of the best places in the country for rehabilitation and treatment for this kind of post-traumatic condition. With physical and occupational therapies. And counselling. And your mother will be around all the time.

What about me? Why can't I do this? Why am I not allowed to help?

That's it, Hutch! Go on being selfish!! You know that clinic is one of the best in the country, that there are none in the area better equipped to treat his condition and moreover his mother will be close.

But they don't know you as I know you. They have no idea that nothing matters more to me than your safety, your life, that we are more than brothers, that I don't want you to go. I need you here.

Why did you tell me you accepted this? OK, I am not the one to judge what's best for you. But how can I watch over you if you are on the other coast? Shall I quit my job and follow you? This does not seem an option either. Gee, I'm lost. Don't know what to do. I don't wanna see you leave; yet I know you would be in good hands and besides, your Ma will be at your side.

The same idea is circling in my head, over and over again.

It just sounds impossible that you're not gonna be recovering here, where you belong. How am I gonna cope with the lack of your presence?

*******

...

Huggy came to our place with a six-pack. Anna was still teaching at the dance school. After two beers, I felt sick; I used to drink more than that when we had a celebration all together, but as I hardly eat anything, it seems to go directly into my blood. Man, I can't hold my liquor anymore.

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...

I am so exhausted. Guess I haven't had a decent night sleep for weeks. And the sleeping pills the doctor has prescribed do not help much. I sleep for about one or two hours and then wake up sweating and crying. And all I can see is your blood on my hands in each nightmare, night after night.

Anna is starting to be concerned about my health now and tries to convince me to go and talk to a therapist. I am not crazy, dammit! I just need our lives back as they were.

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...

I can't focus on anything but taking care of you. Dobey gently made it clear he is starting worry about my extended leave of absence. He knows I need you as much as you need me, but I just can't go back to Central and resume my duties. Not without you by my side.

*******

...

That's it. You're gone. The ambulance came this morning to take you to the airport, with your Mom.

I came along, holding your hand during the journey to the plane. But somehow I was ashamed to monopolize you in front of Rachel, even if she understands what we feel for each other. She is such a wonderful lady.

I promised I'd come and see you as soon as I negotiate another special leave with Dobey. I don't know how he is gonna take it. Frankly, I don't care.

I need to help you get back on your feet. I won't quit on you, Buddy ... well, I am trying so hard anyway...

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...

I have quit on the therapy crap so many weeks ago. This guy can not help me and it is boring me to death to lie on that couch and talk about things I only wanna say to you. He gave me some new powerful anti-depressants. They seemed to have some effect for a while as I was sleeping a little bit more than before. But with each passing day, I feel each time I need higher dose of sleeping pills to benefit from a decent night.

I even enjoyed once sleeping with Anna who felt I was back to being her husband again. Well, just for one night. Like all my energy was concentrating on that unique moment we spent together. It felt like all the anger and fear and tension were all mixed and fired with an extreme sweet violence from my body to hers. She held me in her arms for a long time and I finally cried myself to sleep next to her beautiful body. I was ashamed that this night was not meant for love, but to let go of the strain in my flesh.

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...

I can not go to new York: there has been a bad series of multiple murders of youngsters involved in drugs and Dobey wants me on the case. Some dude is treating them like dirt and he needs to be stopped. It is a nightmare.

Of course, I don't tell you about this, when I call you, almost every day. Sometimes, you are asleep when I call, or having a hard time going through some physical rehabilitation exercises.

Rachel has told me that there is no hope yet of seeing you walk again. She said she was so proud when you tried your first wheelchair this morning. You joked about organizing a wheelchair competition in the clinic corridors.

Man, why don't I feel happy to hear that your sense of humor seems to have returned intact? It hurts so much down deep inside to imagine you like this, trying to manipulate that bloody chair.

I am not there with you and I feel like I am abandoning you.

This time, I feel you don't need me as much as you used to.

It is tearing me apart.

I feel so useless.

When we talk, you don't speak for long, because you are so knocked out with the heavy medication you're on. But anyway I hear a different tone in your voice. Or is it just my imagination? You say you'll be back in no time. But when? Rachel told me that this rehab' could and will last for months.

What about after?

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...

Last month, Dobey gave me an unofficial reprimand. In his office. Just him and me. Nothing will be reported in my personal file. Yet!

I have been sloppy for the past weeks. I don't really care. This investigation is getting stressful and I have to go undercover for a while, pretending to be one of the suppliers. I still can't get more reliable info on the head supervising this whole traffic. I have been entrusted with some "snow" to fool the intermediaries. I had been in stakeout for so many hours in a fancy car, waiting for them to show up.

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...

It has been so long now since you left for the East Coast and this investigation is taking its toll on my mental and emotional balance.

Sometimes I feel almost comfortable playing the bad guy, talking like them, posturing like an important link in the drug business. When I finally met one, he wanted to test the stuff. Took a pocket knife and plunged it into one of the small paper pockets I carried in a small suitcase. He seemed satisfied with what he tasted. We made a deal. I was in business!

He never suspected that I had spirited one of the small pockets.

...

God please forgive me. I was just looking for a one-time relief to my pain, my depression, call it what you want. I have been taking anti-depressants for so long now, stronger ones each time and they don't help anymore. The doctor prescribed new ones again, but I started to develop too many side-effects. Like loss of appetite.

Feeling even more pain, inside and outside...

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