Chapter 6

. . .

I swear it was supposed to be just a one-night try. I was so wrong. God forbid me. I felt the pain and fear leave me instantly. Like the first time Monk and his guys shot me with their dust. I felt strong again, in charge, controlling it all.

Starsk, I know that they give you regular shots of morphine, like they did when you were shot by Gunther's hitmen. You are fully entitled to that treatment. I wish I could justify what I am taking now, but I can't. The more I try to convince myself I can end this any time I want to, the more I know I will not come to the decision.

Because this time, you are not here to stop me. When we talk on the phone, I can feel in your voice you are getting stronger every day. But something's broken.

In your back. In my heart.

Anna does not know, but I think she is beginning to suspect. Dobey is pretending not to see I 'm not doing as usual. I am always late handing in my reports and I tend to spend more time than necessary on the streets at night, pretending to work on the "case".

The point is, I have made some wicket deal a while ago with some little crook named Spot, in exchange for precious information on the network I am trying to take down.

After all the shit the doctor had given me, I felt the urge to be on the edge again, to get out of that fog he was putting me in. I had started to take too many sleeping pills to ensure some quiet night free of nightmares and a lot of stimulants to keep up with the job during the day.

Now I get my small supply of 'C' on a regular basis. I don't take much. Just enough to forget... what? That I am a coward? That I finally let my best friend down? He does not seem to need me, with all those specialists around him who haven't even managed to put him back on his feet again anyway.

Even Anna is getting tired of me, I can feel she is fed up with the long night shifts I keep accepting more often than necessary.

I just don't feel like going home.

I feel better on my own.

Anna has given me an ultimatum. Either I stop destroying myself or she leaves. She has tried to help me, but I guess I have been treating her like dirt long enough. Am I still any kind of husband to her?

The only thing that matters to me now is to get the bad guys and get my next line.

Anna left this morning. She took a few things, told me she would come and get the rest later and moved in with a friend of hers. I watched her in silence, I could not say a word when she gave me a last chance to change my mind. What the hell? Losing a little bit more will not change much now.

She will be better off without me...

Now that I can concentrate on this investigation without any other distraction. I am getting even more involved in my undercover scenario. I am getting good at it!

I finally managed to get a meeting with the big boss in a couple of days. I planned with Dobey to get reinforcements and arrest the whole gang. I just hope these dummies will be discreet and not blow it! I really want to close that case and go back to...

Hell! Go back to what?

Anna is gone. I don't think Starsky will come back from New York. He has started new physiotherapy. He seemed genuinely worried by the tone in my voice but I said I was tired because of the case I have been working on for more than four months now. The doctors at the rehab' center there explained about another surgical operation but I did not quite catch it.

When Starsky called me himself to give me the news, I was in a hurry, not to miss an important meeting with one of the members of the gang. I guess he did not really want to give more details about his condition. When he said he missed me, my heart felt like it was being crushed for a moment and then I said something about missing him too.

You bastard, Hutch, your best friend is extending a hand. Don't you see? What's got into ya? Are you losing it, man?

Huggy came to my place last night. I was not sleeping, as usual. I hardly sleep more than a couple of hours now. When I opened the door, I saw the look in his eyes, like he had seen a ghost. He seemed concerned by my condition but I said I was fine and that I did not need him. He tried to insist but I sent him back where he belongs. I don't wanna talk to him.

Dobey called me this morning and this time, I got into real trouble. He suspended me. I didn't ask for more details. He said he had no choice until I snap out of my odd behavior. I told him I had decided to resign anyway. Going on like this makes no sense. I have been screwing things up for months now. With Starsky gone, Anna leaving me, it's just no use.

I need to get away from these good people. I have been pretending for too long that I m strong and reliable. Look where it got my partner. Partner, huh? He is not my partner anymore. And the way I have treated him lately on the phone? I've lost his friendship for sure.

Hutchinson, you're no use... to anybody... Not even to yourself. Don't you see?

My whole life has become one big hollow. I'm falling with nothing to hold on to to.

Getting used to flying in Nowhere Land!

I need to get in touch with Spot; I need one last favor from him.

He is sitting on the chair in front of the little night table.

The mixture is ready.

The rubber band is in place.

His left arm is extended on the table.

In his right hand, he holds the syringe, full of its lethal liquid.

The room is very dark.

The only source of light is the candle.

The point of the needle touches the skin.

He hesitates for a fraction of a second which feels like an eternity. Closes his eyes, sees a face with blue eyes and curly brown hair. And thinks "Forgive me, Pal."

And all of a sudden, the whole place goes dark.