Chapter 7
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He can't see a thing.
Literally.
The candle flame has died.
Suddenly.
He is sitting in the dark.
Shivering.
Shaking.
Sobbing.
For how many minutes... how many hours?...
...
He drops the needle, still full, which falls on the floor.
He tries to move.
He can't.
Paralyzed.
Fear.
Pain.
Darkness.
In an extremely slow motion, his hand reaches for the matches, takes one from the box with clumsy fingers, rubs it, lights the candle again.
The new light seems so brilliant now!
...
He tries to breathe normally.
He looks around.
All the windows are closed.
The door too.
He looks at the shadow on the wall made by the candle light.
He starts to cry heavily.
Out loud.
Feels a presence.
But there is no one around.
A voice inside him is whispering "You're safe now."
He does not understand.
He tries to stand up. He can't. His legs not strong enough.
He falls on the floor and loses consciousness.
*******
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How many hours...
How many days...
Anna found me lying on the floor, in a shock.
In such a pain.
Withdrawal symptoms.
She called Huggy. Once again Huggy is gonna have a hard time taking care of me.
Only this time, I wanna get rid of the fix, once and for all.
...
I did not recognize the voice I heard in my head... before I was attempting to take my last ride.
There was no air draft. I don't know what blew that candle out, leaving me in a soothing darkness which prevented me from crossing the line.
I don't care... but I am grateful.
I really need to get over it.
For good.
I know that I won't go back to my job after what I have been through all these months. Anyway, I don't want to. Not without Starsky.
I haven't heard from him for a while now. How is he? Does he know? I have done and said awful things. Wish I could take it all back.
This is gonna be my penance. I feel I deserve this. And I accept it now.
*******
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I have attempted and managed to get rid of the guilt for weeks now.
I have finally come to accept what I am, a junkie.
Well, I WAS. It's over.
I have not taken anything since the night Anna found me almost dying on the floor.
I've been through hell, and even more despair than when I held my partner in my arms, so close to death.
But hell is what I deserved and I have accepted the verdict. Now I'm serving whatever it takes. I wanna be a man again, a husband, a friend, a partner.
Each and every fiber in me is in deep physical pain, but my mind is cured. I wanna be a human being again!
*******
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In a couple of days, it'll be be Christmas Eve and for the first time, I wish he was here to celebrate with me.
I have been through all sorts of therapies, and I took it very seriously this time. Each passing day, I feel a little bit better. Of course, sometimes, my body longs for a line, as a precious memory hidden like a spider and waiting to strike. Thinking of all the ones around who are waiting for me to become whole again, I strike back, fighting the withdrawal pain, the shiver, the nightmares, the hallucinations, fighting like hell to make it through.
And deep in my soul, I know I'm gonna make it. For good.
I don't even feel like thinking again to all the shit I've been through and the shit I had become.
I am not denying what's happened. I can't... and I won't, this is part of me, of who I will be, for ever.
I just want it all behind me.
And look forward.
*******
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Gee, Starsk, I have missed you so much!
You'll never know the hell I have been through leaving the white shit behind. I won't tell you about this. What for?
Now I look forward to telling you that I'm sorry, for letting you down, to telling Anna I still love her, if she still wants me, to telling Huggy he is the best friend we could ever have, to giving Dobey my resignation.
It's better this way, for everyone. I gotta build a new life. Here. But somehow different. God, please, grant me this.
*******
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I can hear the phone. It must have been ringing for a long while before I realized and picked it up.
"Hi, Buddy!"
...
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(TBC...small chapter this time, next one very soon...)