At home Jo took refuge in the shower. Her thoughts returned to one of the few certainties she did know – that she could identify the point at which everything had started to unravel, at which her world had started falling apart. It had begun with Zaf. For some reason that one hurt the most. Still.
From then onwards things had escalated rapidly – Boscard, Adam, then Ben and Connie and finally this.
She wondered if this one would be the final "adverse incident" that could dissolve her entirely, leaving no trace of who she used to be. And whether that would happen in three days or three years? By herself or with someone else watching, depending on her?
She tentatively put her hand on her stomach and wondered what it would look like in eight months if she did nothing – if she let nature take its course as women had done for thousands of years.
She switched off the shower then sighed, remembering she'd forgotten to pick up a towel from the closet in the hall.
After dinner she fished through her handbag looking for the pamphlet the doctor had given her, telling her to make sure she read it before Monday.
She leafed through the pages until her eyes focused on the section entitled, "Understanding the procedure." She began to read, becoming increasingly horrified at the description of what they would do to her, to her baby. She put it down, unable to continue.
Habit took over and she picked up the newspaper from the front door and placed it on the dining table, then opened the fridge to look for a bottle of wine. Half way between the fridge and the kitchen bench she paused and stood there frozen, not knowing what to do. Eventually she put the bottle down then picked up her phone and went in search of the letter the doctor had given her.
Half an hour later there was a knock on the door. She wasn't in the least bit surprised to find Lucas on her doorstep.
"I got your message," he said, smiling. "I just wanted to come and let you know that I'll be here to help you, to support you."
She returned his smile a little shyly, "Thanks. Do you want to come in?"
He nodded.
Once inside, she gestured to the wine bottle on the bench, "Do you want a drink? It's off limits to me now but it needs to be finished."
He shook his head, "If you can go without, I'm sure I can too."
"Sit down, please," offered Jo, before placing herself on the couch.
"How do you feel?" he asked.
"Oh," she said surprised, "Fine." She supposed she'd have to get used to people enquiring how she was – that was normally the first question people asked pregnant women.
"Did the doctor check you out?"
She nodded. "She said everything was fine. Normal."
"That's good," he said pleased. "Listen, I was wondering if there was anything I could help you with – around the house maybe?"
"Oh – that's kind of you. I can't think of anything right now, but I'm sure I'll have to make some changes at some stage."
"And I'd also like to help out financially – to cover the baby's expenses," he said smiling at her.
"Maybe we could share the costs?" she replied.
"You should let me cover most of the costs – after all my salary is higher."
"Well, we can sort it out closer to the time," she said, still set on the idea of splitting costs but not wanting to argue with him just now.
There was a pause while they tried to think of something to say.
Jo wondered who Lucas really was – this man who would be the father of her child. This man who had spent the last eight years locked up in a hellhole in Russia and who had survived. She wondered how many secrets he knew and whether she would ever find out what they were.
She wondered whether her child would take after him and what that would make them. Kind, clever, stoic yet quietly charismatic she thought. They weren't bad characteristics.
Jo started tentatively, "Lucas, I was thinking that we don't really know each other at all. I don't know anything about your family, your background."
He looked at her thoughtfully then replied, "No, I suppose we don't. Perhaps we should get to know each other then."
Jo smiled sweetly, "I'd like that."
"As for my family. My father's a Minister – retired now and my mother used to be a teacher, also retired."
Jo grimaced, "Your father's not likely to approve of this situation then."
Lucas grinned broadly, "Oh, I'm pretty sure he'll come round – they don't have any grandchildren, but I know they're keen on the idea. And I'm sure they'd like you – you're definitely what they'd call a "nice girl."
"Do you have any brothers or sisters?'
"One sister and a brother. My brother lives in Australia."
"Oh – I've always wanted to go there," said Jo, her face alight with excitement, "I love the kangaroos and they have little bears that live in trees too."
Lucas nodded, thinking how charming she was when she was happy, "Koalas, they're called."
"Yes, that's right," she said, still smiling to herself at the thought. "Have you ever been to Australia?"
"Yes, my wife and I went over for his wedding."
Jo nodded. It was difficult to tell what he was thinking from the tone in his voice, but she's heard about Lucas's wife – the one he'd left in London and returned to eight years later to find married to another man. She wondered how that felt.
'What about your family?" Lucas asked.
"My father's a retired management consultant. My mother didn't work – just looked after me and my brothers and did some charity work too."
"How many brothers do you have?"
"Three," she replied smiling. "All older than me and all trouble."
"I bet," Lucas laughed. "Were you ever allowed to date or did they keep you under house arrest?"
"They would have liked to, but settled for putting the fear of God into any boy I ever brought home. I got smart to them though and just didn't bring them home any more."
Lucas grinned, "Good for you."
"Lucas -", Jo started, "Do you think perhaps we've gone about this the wrong way round – that this was where we should have started?"
He considered this for a while, then nodded, "I think you might be right."
"Anyway – speaking of getting to know each other better I wondered whether you're busy on Sunday. I was thinking of going to the seaside perhaps you'd like to come with me?" Lucas asked.
"That sounds – nice," said Jo hesitantly.
"Good. I guess I should go soon, I expect you're tired."
Lucas paused as he was about to get up, remembering there was one final thing he had to do before he left, one final problem he had to fix.
"Jo – I'm sorry about what I said earlier, about how I spoke to you. How I said that anyone would have done and how I called you a slut. It was unforgivable and it wasn't true. I was angry – I'm sorry."
He could her see her earlier lighthearted mood vanish and she looked at him oddly, then said quietly, "maybe it was true, I don't know. Nobody tells me the truth anymore because they think that I'll fall apart if I hear it. Maybe what you said is right and you're the only one brave enough to tell me."
But it wasn't true that Lucas had been the only one to say that. In the back of her head she could hear Boscard's words. Slut. Whore. Only in her mind though because she hated the sound of those words hanging in the air, knowing that the ricochet from the silence that followed would make her feel dirty like it made feel in her head.
As he watched her say those words it was almost as if he could see the cracks appearing in her one by one. What had happened to her had picked her apart piece by piece and she was trying to find a way to pull herself back together, to make sense of everything now that her sense of identity was fractured. A bit like him.
He could recognise enough about her to know the uncertainties and doubts, and worst of all to be able to see that what the Redback had taken from her had left her hating herself even more than she hated him. He hadn't anticipated that the conversation would take this turn and after eight years in a male only prison he found it difficult to understand how women thought, and struggled to know where to begin with this one.
"Jo – I can't pretend to know what it is like for a woman to be raped, I don't know how that would feel. But I do know that what happened is no reflection on you as a person and that you're more than good enough for any man."
Jo was looking down at her hands, and he could see her knotting and unknotting her fingers before clasping them tightly together and then nodding almost imperceptibly.
He wasn't sure how to say the rest of what was on his mind. Jo was beautiful, sweet and smart. It wasn't that he was in love with her, but that he could see how easy it would be to be.
In the end he sighed and said, "I'd better go – it's late. I'll see you on Sunday. Take care of yourself."