Author's note:
Mistress Cavy would like to thank all of our dear readers . . . all eight of them, in fact, for your continued support and patience. We are people of little attention span, Miss Polly and I, and we chose to work on every chapter of this fine work of utter crack before finally finishing this chapter.
Miss Polptera would like to thank Mistress Cavy mostly for doing most of the writing this week while she has been stricken with.. not love.. but disease!
Mistress Cavy would ask Miss Polyptra to not scare off their dear readers with talk of skin lesions.
Miss Polyptera would like to let Mistress Cavy know that she was the one who brought that up, not Miss Polyptera.
Mistress Cavy would like to post this damn chapter and cease having her many faults expounded upon.
Miss Polyptera agrees.
As always, we solemnly swear we are up to no good!
Wiping vomit from his mouth, Harry was still able, through his horror, to feel an odd sense of satisfaction. Of all the people to blow chunks on, Snape sure deserved it most. He really deserved significantly worse for a prank like this, and Hermione for agreeing to it. What was she thinking?!
"Oh, Harry, it's going to be alright. I'll summon you a calming draught, and maybe an anti-emetic . . ." Snape cooed, attempting to pull Harry into his vomit-soaked lap for a cuddle. His idea of revenge, perhaps? Harry fought valiantly while Hermione aimed a scourgify at Snape's lap. Snape shivered oddly, giving a very uncharacteristic grin.
"I still get chills of pleasure remembering the last time you had your wand aimed there." Snape said leering at Hermione while Harry retched, bringing up nothing but bile. "Poor baby! Let me help!" Snape waved his wand and two bottles flew into the room, landing gracefully in the potion master's hands.
"You do know how to handle your vials, mine too, but I think that one of the left is just for us darling." Hermione said as she plucked a vial from his hands and replaced it with a clearly labeled batch of calming draft.
Recognizing the greyish brew he'd learned to make in third year, Harry quickly grabbed the nausea-reducing potion from Snape's other hand and began to chug, pocketing the left-overs in his . . . in his. . . "Who the hell put me in footie pajamas?!"
He was in fact wearing maroon footies with playfully dancing snitches flittering across the fabric. How long had he been unconscious? Who had changed his clothes... it couldn't have been Snape? Harry shuddered in horror.
"Harry, were you in the bad place, again?" Asked Hermione worriedly. "Did you forget Sevvie carrying you to bed last night? We would have let you stay in our bed, but it was adults night remember? Here, you need this," she tried to force the calming draught into his hands.
As tempting as it was and as badly as he felt he needed it, he pushed her hands firmly away. The last thing he needed right now was to be less than at his top mental acuity around these two. And really... it was obvious that the source of his problems lay in an overdose of potions, this was clearly a medication induced hallucination.
"I'm not sure what bad place you're talking about, but I think this may be worse than the Department of Mysteries..." Harry replied in a daze as he pinched his face hard. "I need to WAKE UP!"
"Harry, you promised us you'd stop hurting yourself!" gasped Snape, pulling his hands away from his face.
"Wha . ..?" began Harry, but Snape gasped again, staring at his wrist as though it hadn't been there a moment before.
"Where are all the scars?" he looked at Harry quizzically.
Harry shifted uncomfortably, thinking about the words Umbridge had him carve into his hand. How did Snape know about that? But why was he looking at his wrist, and not the back of his hand.
"Harry, have you been putting glamours on yourself again?" demanded Snape. Hermione, behind him, began to cry uncontrollably.
"Oh, those, those, awful people!" she sobbed into Snape's shoulder. Harry eyed the door, considering making a break for it while Snape was distracted by Hermione's wails. "He'll never be a normal boy after what the Dursleys did to him, will he Severus?"
Snape continued to coo at her, "The mind healers are hopeful, love. You've seen how he's improved! He's already so much better than he was when we found him in that cage, caked in blood and filth. He eats regularly now and he's finally using the potty like a big boy, you must know he will flourish now that he is in a home that only spanks him in love ..."
"And I'm done," said Harry firmly, attempting to throw his legs over the side of his bed. "I'm going back to Hogwarts and Dumbledore will come and set this - oof!" he grunted indignantly as he had a harder time than expected leaving the bed. It was like his legs encountered some soft, invisible barrier as they brushed the bizarre flowery padding adorning the sides of what can best be described as a magically enlarged toddler bed.
"Harry, you need rest," said Hermione emphatically. "You need sleep."
Desperately, Harry jumped away from their clutching arms, grabbing hold of the sparkly unicorn curtains hanging from his bed. Reaching as high as he could, he used the curtain to swing himself over whatever barrier these clearly polyjuiced loons had erected over his bed (or rather prison). He landed rather gracefully on the soft rug, his footy pajamas having surprisingly excellent traction.
To his profound relief, his wand was within easy reach on a baby blue dresser near the door, he snatched it up and aimed it threateningly at his captors, backing away towards the door. They attempted to follow, but, to his surprise, didn't go for their wands. They both made slow, exaggerated movements, making odd cooing noises Harry supposed were meant to be calming.
"Harry, calm down. You're not well . .."
"You just stay there!" Harry snapped. "I don't know who you are, or what you did with Sirius, but I am leaving. I don't know what you fruit cakes are trying to achieve here, but once I get to Hogwarts someone will know what the HELL is going on." With this he backed out of the door, realizing that, for the first time in his life, he was looking forward to seeing Snape. The real Snape, that is.
Quickly surveying his surroundings, Harry saw he was underground, in a flagstone corridor. There was a very familiar door to his right, and a very familiar pair or red heads clustered together, likely planning some mischief... wait.. Harry quickly turned his head away. He hadn't seen that, he didn't want to see anything like that. He focused his attention back on the mission and looked in the opposite direction.
Oh.. He was right next to the potions lab at Hogwarts.
"Well, that was easy."
.
.
.
Sirius once again opened his eyes but this time Remus wasn't sleeping next to him, he was sleeping on him. Instinct kicked in before any rational thought could take hold and he shoved hard, pushing Remus off him and across the tent.
"Be careful Sirius! You could injure the pups!" Remus cried angrily.
"The what?" Sirius asked in bewilderment. He hadn't seen any dogs, and why on earth would Remus have a tent full of puppies, anyways?
"I didn't mention that yet did I.. " Remus replied with a blush, his anger suddenly gone, "The potion Severus gave us, it worked! I think there must be at least three. It's a bit early to know for sure though."
"Did you say Snivilus slipped you something?" Sirius asked in disgust, fumbling around for his wand. Of course Snape was involved, that would explain .. . No, he thought firmly, That was a dream. Remus did not just kiss me.
To his surprise, Remus began pounding the furs angrily, "We talked about this! We agreed to put aside our differences with Severus! For us!" He looked like he was about to cry. Sirius gaped at his long-time friend, utterly unsure of what to do. "I'm sorry," Remus choked suddenly. "I shouldn't have snapped at you. You know how I get this time of the month."
Startled, Sirius dove to the opening of the tent and ripped the flap aside, examining the sky. It was early morning, no full moon in sight. Sirius breathed a sigh of relief. Finding his wand hidden in the furs beside him, he turned back to Remus, "I really have no idea what you're talking about. What happened to Harry? Everyone else?"
This was the wrong question. Remus was angry again. "You know that won't work Paddy!" Paddy?! "Severus is Harry's legal guardian! He wants to raise him and we agreed to let him help us to start a life with pups of our own."
Too distracted to hear Remus' last sentence, Sirius jumped to his feet, going white, "Severus is WHAT?!" Sirius disentangled his robes from the mass of cloth around them, angrily pulling them on. How long was he out? Who had taken off his robes? What the hell had Severus done to Remus? Why did he have Harry?! Sirius was about to become the murderer the world believed him to be.
Remus grabbed his arm, "Paddy, don't go! Think of our pups!"
Frustrated, Sirius turned on him, "Why are you talking about puppies right now?!"
"Pups Siri, three of our pups." Remus said, grabbing Sirius' hand and placed it on his slightly bulging abdomen. "Sirius, I thought you were ready. I did this for us. Paddy, I'm having your babies!"
Sirius ripped his hand away and threw himself back in horror. A tangible silence filled the tent during which Remus glowed and Sirius gaped.
Sirius did what every self-respecting Black does when someone they aren't married to informs them they are having his child. He made a runner.
.
.
.
Harry sat in Dumbledore's office with all three empty chairs positioned between himself and poor bewitched Hermione and her 'Sevviekins'. He pinched himself again, but to no avail, it had already been over an hour of fruitless arguing to get this far and he hadn't woken up yet.
Dumbledore stared meaningfully at Snape over his half-moon spectacles, "Are you sure he has not consumed some of your potions in another one of his, er, attempts? I agreed to let you house him in your quarters instead of the dorms because you were convinced it would be safer . . ."
"Headmaster, I assure you, I removed all poisonous material from my quarters months ago!"
Harry stared at Professor incredulously. It sounded as though they thought he was suicidal, psychologically handicapped, and quite possibly a unicorn animagus or maybe just an 18 month old. What was with that nursery they had him in?!
"It wasn't any of that Headmaster! They kidnapped me! Or... I think they did. I'm not really sure why Hermione is in on this... its possible that we need something for polyjuice reversal," Harry butted in firmly.
Dumbledore looked over at him thoughtfully. "Tell me, Harry, what is the last thing you remember?"
"I already told you that. Fifteen times. I counted. Snape was crying pretty loudly, though, so you might have only heard the last eleven," he said pointedly. The group continued to stare, and Harry sighed and once again recounted his tale of woe, the fight at the Ministry,falling through the veil with Sirius and waking up in this sick nightmare for the upteenth time.
Snape began to cry again. Hermione got up to owl St. Mungo's, but Harry looked hopefully to his headmaster once again. If anyone could fight the effects of whatever was happening to everyone, it was Albus Dumbledore. "Curious," muttered Albus. Harry leaned forward hopefully. "If you not mind, Harry, I wish to cast a simple diagnostic spell on you. It will not harm you."
Harry sighed. "You've already zapped me with everything from an imperious detector to a gender revealing charm. Do whatever you want, I just want to see Sirius." He'd made this request at least as many times as he'd repeated his story, and he was expecting it to fall on deaf ears once again. It did.
Albus Dumbledore waved his wand silently at Harry. At first he thought that, once again, nothing had happened, until he noticed the group of three gawking at a place just above his head. Looking up, he saw a general representation of the human body floating above him, made of green light. He backed up a bit to get a better look. "Curious," Albus muttered yet again. Examining it closely, Harry saw it must be some kind of medical chart. Dim red lights glowed on the body in several places: the arm he had broken in second year, higher up on the same arm where he had been pierced by the basilisk fang, on his right hand where the blood quill had carved words into his flesh, and of course on his forehead the cursed scar glowed brightest of all.
"Where are the gunshot wounds?" asked Hermione in confusion. "There must be some mistake."
"There is no mistake," said Albus gravely, while Harry gasped "Gun shot wounds?!" Albus continued, "I have done every spell I can think of to check for glamors and other spells to trick eyes and magic. I found nothing. I believe .. . that this isn't Harry."
The silence after Albus Dumbledore's declaration was deafening. Harry thought he could hear a pin drop, but instead heard a rather loud crash and a lot of cursing as Sirius Black fell unceremoniously through the fireplace into the headmaster's office.
"Harry! You're alive!" he gasped before his eyes narrowed suspiciously "Why are you wearing footy pajamas?"
Harry's horror at the realization that he hadn't changed was drowned out first by overwhelming relief, then trepidation. "Sirius! Wait... are you my Sirius? When was the last time we saw each other?"
"Your Sirius?" Harry thought he heard him mumble something about being too many people's Sirius all of the sudden, but he quickly became distracted by the sight of Hermione Granger sitting in the lap of Severus Snape in the corner, staring up at him with doe eyes.
Following his godfather's gaze, he rolled his eyes and snapped his fingers, "Oiy! Sirius! Over here!" Sirius gaped at them in horror, and as a sudden thought occurred to him Harry couldn't help but ask.. "What is the legal age of consent?! Isn't that statutory rape? Pedophilia? Shouldn't he be in Azkaban for touching her?"
"Oh Harrykins..." Hermione cooed, "You're always so concerned about me, but don't you mummy is a legal adult thanks to all those spins on the time-turner."
Watching his godfather cover his mouth as though trying not to expel the contents of his stomach, Harry nodded and sighed in relief, "Oh thank goodness it is you!"
Snape merely gave Sirius a brief, scathing glance before rounding on Dumbledore, "What do you mean? If this isn't him, then where is my son?!" He was shouting by the end of his tirade, brushing Hermione off his lap as he stood, fists clenched in anger and fear.
Dumbledore opened his mouth to speak, but Sirius cut him off while Harry made funny choking noises behind him, "What d'you mean, your son?!"
"You're not still going on about this, are you?" Hissed Snape. "Surely we have more pressing concerns," he nodded towards Harry, who had pulled the bottle of anti-emetic potion out of his footie pajamas and was taking another swig.
"Nope. No. Uh-uh. I can think of absolutely nothing worth more concern than this situation, and you should have seen where I just came from," Sirius replied decisively.
"Dumbledore himself brewed the paternity potion, because you didn't trust me to do it!" Severus snapped, sounding surprisingly anguished. "You watched him brew it! Are you doubting even the headmaster now? You knew he was more likely to be my son; the times matched up, and Lily spent so much more time with me than you .. ."
"WHAT?!" Feeling bile rising in his throat at the suggestion that Lily had betrayed James, that he had betrayed James, Sirius dove at the potions master, fists raised and magic forgotten. He missed the look of utter betrayal his godson gave him, as well Albus casting the shield charm. Sirius bounced futilely off of the shimmering gold barrier, landing on his backside for the second time in the last five minutes.
"ENOUGH!" Albus' shout caused everyone to freeze guiltily, even Sirius, who had not been under the man's authority for nearly twenty years. "As I said, I have reason to believe this is not Harry. Not as we know him, at least. All evidence suggests this may not be Sirius Black, either."
Breaking out of his horrified trance, Harry managed to look away from his godfather, sputtering, "No.. No.. No.. I am Harry. Harry James Potter."
"Perhaps if we brew an identification potion..." Severus offered hesitantly, face softening as he turned his gaze onto his supposed "son", tears still wet across his cheeks.
"That takes a full month to brew, my dear boy" Albus replied gravely. "No, we need a more immediate solution..."
"What about the map?!" Hermione offered brightly. "I think Gary still has it. It's never been wrong before."
"Ah.. the Maruaders Map.. what an ingenious piece of magic. Of course my dear girl, we'll send for young Gary and the map immediately." the headmaster said, brightening up as he snapped his fingers and a house elf appeared. "Now deliver this to young Master Gary Potter, he should be in the great hall or the Gryffindor dorms," the elf snatched up a small note writing itself on the headmaster's desk and disappeared with a loud crack.
"Gary?" muttered Harry in confusion. He couldn't think of any Gryffindors by that name, not that he kept track of all the first years. He felt a hot anger bubbling in his chest that someone had shown his map to some stranger while he was gone, but he firmly squashed the feeling. If it proved his identity, he could worry about getting his map back later, after he convinced Dumbledore to fix Hermione and Snape.
"I thought Harry had the map," Sirius looked up at Harry questioningly, but his godson would not meet his eyes. Dismayed, Sirius began to shout, "Look, he's crazy!" Sirius pointed furiously at Snape. "I would never -"
Dumbledore cut him off before another altercation could break out, "Let us save this discussion for when we ascertain exactly where this Sirius Black belongs."
Snape looked like he was barely holding his tongue, with Hermione tugging on his arm and making shushing motions. Sirius stood and glanced shrewdly at the aged professor, "What do you mean, Albus?"
Albus Dumbledore settled himself behind his desk, motioning for everyone to sit down once again. "I can say nothing for certain, except that the young man before us does appear to be the Harry we have known for over five years, and yet, at the same time, is not."
"But what does that mean?" asked Hermione. She seemed near bursting with frustration at being presented with a puzzle she couldn't work out.
The door opened before Dumbledore could respond. Everyone turned to look at the young man standing staring imperiously at them all from the doorway, clutching a faded piece of parchment in his hand. Sirius was the first to speak, "Um, are you sure the Harry Potter you're looking for isn't right there?"
Hermione looked at Sirius as though he'd gone daft, "That's Gary Potter, can't you tell? He doesn't have the glasses, or the scar." Harry, however, had to agree with Sirius. The young man before them looked a carbon copy of Harry, down to the messy black hair and green eyes.
"Ah, yes, things have been interesting ever since we found Harry's twin, now haven't they. Even the teachers have a hard time telling them apart," commented Albus, watching Harry and Sirius' reaction with open curiosity.
"I have a twin?!" Harry turned to Sirius accusingly.
Sirius threw his hands up in a proclamation of innocence, "Search me! It was just the one of you as far as I know."
"Interesting," said Albus, blue eyes twinkling. "Gary, if you would .. "
The doppelganger's eyes swept over Harry with unmistakable loathing before setting the parchment down on the headmaster's desk. "Er, you wanted to see my map, sir?"
"Thank you, thank you," Albus gave his wand a rather showy wave before settling down to scratch his chin thoughtfully. "Now, what was the password . . .? Ah, yes. I solemnly swear I am up to no good," he tapped the paper with his wand. Harry and Sirius watched the familiar lines materialize on the parchment's surface. Six heads crowded over the paper curiously, all focusing on the six names clustered together within the room labeled Headmaster's Office. Albus Dumbledore, Severus Snape, Hermione Granger, Gary Potter, Harry Potter, and Sirius Black.
Harry was about to let out a 'hah!' of triumph, but Gary interrupted, "Well it certainly is different, the map has been labeling Harry as 'Harrykins Potter Snape' since about midway through last year..."
"Wha . .. ?" Harry began, then realized there was absolutely nothing more to add and closed his mouth.
"This proves my theory, then . . ." Harry was both disturbed and surprised by the excitement in his headmaster's voice.
"Care to share?" asked Sirius sarcastically. For once, Snape looked like he shared the sentiment.
Albus Dumbledore steepled his fingers together and peered at the pair before him intently. "Mr. Potter, Mr. Black . . . I believe you are from an alternate universe."
Everyone exploded at this proclamation.
"But that's not possible!" Cried Hermione.
"How can you be sure?" Demanded Snape.
"How can we get back?!" Asked Harry, going white.
"There is no way in any universe, under any circumstances, Lily banged Snivilus!" Declared Sirius.
"Silence," Dumbledore did not shout, but his commanding tone was as good as a silencing charm. Sirius was the only one who continued to mutter, "Okay, maybe me, in some weird twist of fate, but never Snivilus; the woman had far too much taste .. ." Albus cleared his throat and Sirius fell silent at last.
"It has been theorized," began Albus, "and today, I believe, proven, that the Veil in the Department of Mysteries is a portal to other time-lines. Dimensions like ours, but where one significant decision was different. Adolf Hitler died in battle, Robert Downey Jr. ate at Carl's instead of Burger King . . . I digress. What I believe has happened, Mr. Potter, Mr. Black, is that the two of you are from one such time-line."
Albus Dumbledore had six people giving him a very familiar look. It was the look he received from colleagues and students alike at every welcome feast, the look he was given after every vote he cast from his seat on the Wizengamot, and the exact same stare he was given by Minerva McGonagall at the start of each year, when he informed her of his choice for the Defense Against the Dark Arts teaching position. It was the look of someone seriously concerned for his sanity. Harry was the first to speak, "But, if this is true, and I'm, well, me, and this is the Sirius I know, then where are the Sirius and the," he cringed, " . .the Harrykins from this world?"
"That is what I would like to know!" said Snape fervently.
Albus looked thoughtful. "I cannot say for certain," he raised a hand to stave off the flurry of questions, demands, and possibly curses Sirius and Snape were threatening to hurl at him. "However, assuming the Unspeakables theory of alternate timelines is true, I believe their other theory may be. I believe displacing one person from their timeline using the veil will simultaneously displace the person they are replacing, who will subsequently displace themselves from that timeline, until someone ends up in a universe in which they either do not exist or have died, thus ending the magical displacement." Albus looked around at his small audience calmly.
"That's barmy," said Sirius flatly.
"It does sound a little, erm," Hermione cast around for a politically correct argument, "difficult to prove."
Snape was gazing at Albus with unfathomable intensity, "How do I get my son back?"
Sirius snorted derisively. Albus answered Snapes' question with no small amount of compassion, "I'm afraid it is mostly in the hands of whomever he is with now. Only they can send him back; I cannot bring him here. I can, however, send these two back. Only then will your Harry and the Sirius Black of this dimension be able to appear."
"You suddenly know a lot about this theory a handful of Unspeakables have cooked up on an item believed to be so dangerous that no one has actually touched it in two hundred years," Sirius pointed out incredulously, while Snape cried into Hermione's shoulder.
Harry shushed him with wildly gesticulating arms. "But you can send us back? You're sure?"
"I can perform the ritual, yes," said Dumbledore, rather hesitantly. He turned to Hermione and Snape, "Severus, Miss Granger, dear, I would request that you return to your respective duties at this point in time. I need to speak with Harry and Sirius about how they must prepare, and I'm afraid magic so dangerous and arcane will be discussed that you could be arrested simply for hearing it. I assure you I will do all in my power to return your son to you. Gary, you are also dismissed, and I must ask you not to speak of anything you heard this morning."
Snape and Hermione nodded tearfully, but Gary asked "What am I supposed to tell Mary-Sue?"
"Mary-Sue?" wondered Harry aloud.
Gary scoffed irritably. "You know, Mary-Sue. She's your girlfriend, descended from Ravenclaw, remembers all her past lives, can do wandless magic. Mary-Sue." Harry shrugged. "Huh," said Gary. "I guess we're the only ones with a Mary-Sue."
Albus only shook his head. "Use your best judgement, Gary. Her premonitions and Second Sight undo the best laid plans of mice and men .. ."
The two youth and one greasy pervert vacated the room, and Dumbledore turned to his remaining charges, the familiar twinkle in his eye replaced by steel. "You may not have been here long enough to know, but our timeline has a problem," he began severely. Sirius looked about to interrupt, but Albus stopped him with a glance. "Voldemort is back. I know, from young Harry's tale of falling through the veil, it sounds as if your Voldemort is back, as well. The problem is, there is a prophesy, and Harry is the only one who can defeat him. As you may have ascertained, our Harry is, well," Dumbledore winced, "weak, at best, a cowering pile of emotionally scarred and utterly committable teenage angst factory at worst. My apologies." He directed this last statement at the present Harry. "I know how to defeat him, but I simply do not believe our Harry is up to the task."
"Hold up!" Interrupted Sirius. "Are you seriously about to demand that MY fifteen-year-old godson defeat Voldemort, the Dark Lord that has turned his counterpart into some infantile, emotionally crippled mess, before you will send us home?!"
"No... not exactly my dear boy. Our Harry hasn't had an encounter with Voldemort since that fateful Halloween fourteen years ago. It was an unfortunate incident with the Dursleys that scarred poor young Harry, most unfortunate indeed. We are quite lucky that Severus is so devoted to the young man's care." Dumbledore paused a moment, as if to grieve the loss of Harrykins once-bright future, " No... Voldemort has no desire to truly harm Harry at all.. quite the opposite, I believe our dear Mr. Riddle is quite stricken with young Harry. Has been for many years now."
"Stricken?" Sirius asked hopefully. "As in, stricken with the same disease?"
"Of course not!" Dumbledore cried jovially, "Stricken with the greatest magic of all; LOVE!"
"Love?" asked Harry blankly. Turning so only Harry could see, Sirius used a finger to surreptitiously circle his ear in the universal sign of crazy while pointing at Dumbledore.
"Yes, my dear boy, Tom Riddle has been infatuated with you ever since he heard the prophecy before your birth. He's quite mad, of course," Dumbledore shook his head dismissively at his incredulous guests as though they were quite happy about the news. "He murdered your parents to have you to himself, but first he murdered countless other people. He even made horcruxes so that you could truly have 'a piece of him' I believe were his words."
Sirius paled, "Horcruxes?" he sounded horrified.
"What's a horcrux?" asked Harry, confused. He was trying very hard not to think about the headmaster's earlier proclamation. Everyone here was nuts; he wasn't going to believe a word they said.
"A horcrux, Harry, is an object containing a piece of a human soul. It is a very dark bit of magic that can only be achieved through murder," explained Albus. "I believe Tom may have gone beyond what even the most broken of men are willing to do. I believe he has rent his soul not once, but seven times."
"Again I ask," said Sirius, "where you are going with this?"
"I do not know where any of the horcruxes are, nor what they look like. However, I believe you, and your Harry, may be able to crack this code, and destroy all seven horcruxes. Once you have achieved this, you can defeat Voldemort and he will have no chance of ever returning to the land of the living."
"So, it's exactly like I said," interrupted Sirius bluntly. "You won't send us home unless my fifteen-year-old godson defeats Lord Voldemort."
Albus scratched his chin thoughtfully, "Ah, is that what you said? Then yes, that is essentially what I am offering."
Harry stood abruptly, "Let's get out of here, Sirius. Everyone in this castle has lost their marbles." He muttered something that sounded like, In love with my arse. "Why don't we just go back to the ministry and throw ourselves through the veil again? It's not like it can get any worse."
Sirius shuddered in agreement as he remembered what he woke to that morning. "Okay, but can you at least change to muted pink first? The red and gold on your jammies is giving me a migraine."
"I'm afraid my boy that that is not possible at all, no one has ever returned through the veil." Dumbledore began with a victorious grin, "The greatest minds the Department of Mysteries has to offer have studied it for many years and firmly believe it travels in only one direction... to go through the veil would take you further from your origin, not closer."
"Well isn't that convenient?" snapped Sirius.
Harry hesitated, a sudden thought striking him. "Sirius, d'you think our Voldemort made horcruxes? I mean, clearly a lot of things are different here." He shuddered at his recent memories. "A lot of things, but maybe helping out here will give us information we need to defeat our Voldemort. We should at least hear this out."
Sirius looked thoughtful, while Dumbledore added helpfully, "Of course, I could call the Department of Mysteries right now. They would be more than happy to protect you from Voldemort; you should both be safe in their very comfortable labs for the foreseeable future."
"How can we find the horcruxes? Just tell us, you manipulative old bastard," said Sirius through gritted teeth.
"There are clues," Dumbledore added gravely, "Although even my years of study have proved of little use in deciphering them. Nonetheless, I believe in this recording lies the key to finding the horcruxes and defeating the Dark Lord once and for all."
"Recording?" Harry asked curiously, while Sirius looked on skeptically.
He'd been expecting a pensieve memory, or perhaps another possesed diary. The aged headmaster simply waved his wand at an old muggle record player in the corner of his office in response. Music immediately filled the room. It was . . . strangely familiar.
"Professor," Harry began awkwardly, "Are you Rick-Rolling us?"
Albus Dumbledore looked up distractedly from the center of the room, where he had been doing the Safety Dance surprisingly well. "Ah, you know of the magic Tom is using here, my boy?"
Harry suddenly realized he didn't know, because he'd never heard these lyrics before. "Wait, start it up from the beginning . . ." he immediately requested. Dumbledore acquiesced with a wave of his wand and Harry listened carefully this time, taking a preemptive swig from the bottle of anti-emetic potion he'd kept on his person since waking up in this nightmare. As the song went on, he was glad he had.
I'm a stranger to love
You break the rules and so do I
A blood oath commitment's what I'm thinking of
You wouldn't get this from any other guy
I just wanna imperius you until you love me
Gotta make you understand
Never gonna blow you up
Never gonna hex you down
Even gonna raise my in-laws from the dead
Gonna take you to a cave
Where we can be depraved
Come on get on my swan ride
I've tried to kill you for so long
I've marked you as my equal, but
You're too shy to use it
Inside, we both know what's been prophesied
Neither can live while the other survives!
And in my heart of hearts I know it
That just means that we're meant to be!
Never gonna blow you up
Never gonna hex you down
Even gonna raise my in-laws from the dead
Gonna make you safe and warm
You're never gonna feel forlorn
Growing up where I did
Never gonna blow you up
Never gonna hex you down
Even gonna raise my in-laws from the dead
Even though my mum may cry
'Cause she had to say goodbye
Never gonna live a lie like she did
(Ooh, eat you up)
(Ooh, eat you up)
I could just eat, I could just eat
(Eat you up)
I just wanna drink, Just wanna drink
(Drink you in)
I've tried to kill you for so long
I've marked you as my equal, but
You're too shy to use it
Inside, we both know what's been prophesied
Neither can live while the other survives
Even if I slip you veritaserum
Don't tell me you're too young for me
Never gonna blow you up
Never gonna hex you down
Even gonna raise my in-laws from the dead
Gonna keep it safe and sound
Locked up high above the ground
Never know she keeps a piece of my love
Never gonna blow you up
Never gonna hex you down
Even gonna raise my in-laws from the dead
In a world where magic is might
The pure of blood come to light
In the home of the white peacock
Never gonna blow you up
Never gonna hex you down
Even gonna raise my in-laws from the dead
Gonna let you snake right in
Deep throat until we win
Gonna fill this chamber with lovin'
As the song came to a close, the only sound that could be heard was Albus' booted feet shuffling softly along the carpet as he danced.
"Wow," said Sirius.
"Yeah," said Harry.
"RemusLupinkissedme," blurted the older man.
"Come again?" asked Harry, utterly side-tracked.
"Well, I figured that was the gayest thing I, or anyone I know, would ever experience and I planned to take the secret to my grave, but you and You-Know-Who just out-gayed me so I decided to share," Sirius informed him in a rush.
"I saw George and Fred Weasley making out by the potions classroom," Harry added in a daze of shell shock.
"I'm not sure if they out-gayed the Dark Lord... or if that counts as some weird class of narcissism."
"Let's just get on with this so we can go home and have someone obliviate us," said Harry weakly. Sirius nodded. "Um, sir?" Harry hesitantly interrupted the headmaster's dancing. "You said you've been trying to work out the clues in this song for years. It said something about "growing up where I did" and a cave. You've checked places like that already, right?"
Albus Dumbledore smiled bemusedly at Harry. "Did it now? I must admit that I've never actually heard the words to the song. Every time it begins I am overcome with a powerful urge to dance the night away. I thought the music was charmed."
Sirius slowly placed his face in his palm and took several calming breaths. "Well," he said, "at least Albus is the same no matter where we are."