Life Among the Dead

Part Four

June 30, 2008

Most people would cuddle afterwards. Claudia Antonia Zacchara does not cuddle. She usually smokes. Tonight, with Nikolas laying next to her, he's breathing hard and looking shockingly good sweat soaked, she pulls the sheet over her breasts and thinks What the hell did I just do? Did I...fall for him?...No, no, no, I couldn't have...damn it to hell.

She knows how to do no- emotion sex. She knows love is just a fairytale that ends unhappily ever single time. There are no exceptions. Anyone who tells her otherwise is lying to her or themselves.

Claudia is not a delusional, love stoned, teenager who believes finding the right man can change her life...save her life...but when Nikolas was inside of her, she could have sworn it felt like he was. She reveled in the feeling of him filling her, loved every damn second of it, truth be known.

The harshness, the gentleness, the push and pull of their wills, their tongues tangling, her nails drawing blood on his back, his mouth sucking relentlessly on her neck. Staining her skin with his mark. She let go with him, for him, let herself feel for once...but now those feelings shake her to her bones.

(Sometimes when we touch
the honesty's too much
and I have to close my eyes

and hide


I wanna hold you till I die
Till we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you

till the fear in me subsides) (Rod Stewart)

Nikolas rolls onto his side, his eyes search her face, before a sensual grin tugs its ways onto his lips. She swallows hard.

"Hello," he says.

Claudia raises an eyebrow. After making her scream out his name twenty times, now he wants to be formal? "Uhhhh...hi?"

"It was rude of me not to say that when you first opened the door tonight."

"Don't give it a second thought."

He runs his hand down her arm, then takes her hand in his, brings it to his lips and kisses the inside of her palm. "I'm going to buy a case of Jack Daniels in the morning."

She chuckles, unable to resist him, even though she trembles silently inside. "That your drink? Don't tell me you have it on the rocks...straight up is the only way to drink hard liquor."

"I've never had it before tonight. Coleman was out of scotch. But now tasting Jack...its going to remind me of tasting you." He leans close, nipping at her bottom lip.

She places her hand on his chest and pushes him back a little. "You should go. John will be home soon."

"You don't want him to find me here? I understand. Perhaps you would like to come home with me? There's room on the launch for two..." He tries to kiss her again but she sits up, keeping the sheet over her as she does.

"I have meetings in the morning."

He sits up, giving her a look that says she is not fooling anyone. He whispers her name. Her eyes dart away.

(At times

I'd like to break you
and drive you to your knees


At times

I'd like to break through
and hold you endlessly)

She reaches into the drawer of the bedside table, looking for a cigarette but there's just an empty pack. She crushes it and tosses it to the ground. Only then does she realize what else is missing from this scene...a used condom or two or five...fuck.

Nikolas isn't making any movement to leave. Claudia says, slowly, as the gut clenching fear of being a mother nearly cripples her. "Prince..."

"If you are opening those gorgeous lips of yours to say the word mistake, don't. I'm in too good of a mood to argue the point with you- and I would, Claudia. This wasn't a mistake. It was reckless...it was fast...it was out of order...I don't do really dinner and a movie but we could have gone to the theater or opera or even the Haunted Star first...but this was always going to happen. It only happened sooner than I expected." He yawns as he lays back down. "You locked the door. Your brother will never know who's behind it. I'll sneak out before breakfast."

She sits there stunned by the thought that they didn't use protection. Nikolas might believe they are meant to be...she doesn't know if that's true...how can she know? She's the woman who only started believing in love five minutes ago.

But Claudia does know that her becoming any child's mother would be disastrous. She loves John...he's her boy...that's all the love she can spare for a child...a child looking up at her with questions about why their live is always at risk, why mommy drinks so much and shoots people so often...its unimaginable.

She can't believe she's been so stupid. But she also can't regret all that happened.

Because next to her is Nikolas. So much of everything good in her life right now. He's strong enough to go toe- to-toe with her and sweet enough to hold her when she breaks down. He's a good man. He could be her man...if she would only let him. Can she let him?

"Nikolas..."

She slides down on her side, until they are eye to eye. Or they would be except his are drifting shut. He reaches out, sleepily, and places his arm over her hip, dragging her close to him. He murmurs "Good night, gorgeous."

"Nikolas... you didn't use any condoms."

His eyes pop open and fill with the realization that they had been too caught up in the moment to remember to use any. "Are you...on something? The pill?"

She shakes her head, no.

"We're in this together," he whispers "Whatever happens or doesn't...you are not alone."

"I'm not having a baby! I will never have any children, Nikolas. I won't...I won't...do you know how cruel it would be to bring a child into my lifestyle? Tell me you didn't think of that after the first time you kissed me. Tell me you didn't say to yourself I'd screw her but let her see Spencer...hell no."

"I had my concerns, yes. "

"Your concerns, ha." A tear falls from her eye. She turns away from him. "You need to leave. And you better pray to every God that you didn't just knock me up because...I've had to handle a lot of things in my life...but having an abortion isn't one of them...and I know I can't have a baby."

He wraps his arm around her waist, pulling her back against him, and rests his chin on her shoulder. She struggles to get away from him. "No, leave, go, leave now..."

He tightens his grip, slightly, while whispering "Shhhhh. I'm not leaving you alone here tonight with just your demons for company. You wouldn't do that to me, would you?"

Claudia rolls over quickly. She frantically clutches him, burying her face against his chest. Sobs shake her. "I'll be my father who goes crazy...I'll be my mother who can't stop him...my kid will be like Johnny was...standing in the corner...watching as the bullets fly...what did we just do? I never do this! I never forget a condom."

She hears a baby crying in her head. Guns blasting out shot after shot. She's screaming, a maniac wordless sound, she's crazy. In her mind, roses fall through the blackness. Then Nikolas holds out his hand to her.

XXXXXXXXXX

He holds her as she cries, until the sobs finally subside.

"I'm so sorry I put you in this position." He strokes her hair, soothingly.

Against his chest, she mumbles, "I blame myself. I wanted this. I wanted you. I should have known better."

"What's wrong with wanting someone so much you lose your mind for a minute? It doesn't mean that you will be lost forever. It doesn't mean...you can't be found again."

With teary eyes she looks into his "Would you come and drag me out of the dark if I was lost?"

"Every single time."

"The thing is that nobody can save another person from their darkness."

He smiles slightly, then kisses her quickly on the mouth. "Think about it. We just proved that wrong."

(At times I

understand you and I see how hard you've tried


I've watched

while love commands you
And I've watched love pass you by)

Claudia's dark, wild eyes look into his, and Nikolas holds his breath. Earlier he was in control, but now she holds every bit of what happens next in her hands. She can trust him or she can throw him out.

He doesn't want to wake up tomorrow thinking about how he must start mourning her next. All the grief he will always feel over Emily takes up too much of him already. He'll never let it go completely but he has to let a little go each day because life is for the living...not for living among the dead.

Claudia is life, to Nikolas, at least. She's his gorgeous temptation, his lady in a red dress, his fantasy woman, his real life dark partner in soul searching...she's something to think about other than the past. She might not be his everything but he was wrong when he thought she shouldn't be his anything. She already is. He would love the chance to figure out just how far they can stretch this.

Nikolas can't start a relationship with her alone though. She has to want to try. He waits for her answer, but can't help but adding "If I can't save you from the darkness, Claudia, then I'll dive right in there with you. You will not be alone...if you call out for me, I will come for you."

Her face crumbles. "That would work 'cept I don't count on nobody but myself to save me."

"How is that working for you so far?"

A smirk steals away the sadness on her face. "Okay, yeah, could be better."

He leans over, his lips almost brushing hers, "Yes...life could be better for both of us."

Claudia raises her hand and presses it against his jaw as they kiss. "Nikolas...just promise me...swear on all you consider holy...that if there is a baby...which there probably won't be...but if there is..." she pauses, and he can tell these are some of the hardest words she's ever had to utter "promise me...you got to

promise me you will grab onto me with all you have...hold me down...and not let me...break."

"You have my word."

She hugs him close to her. Nikolas smiles into her hair.

This is how it works, he thinks, this is how you go on with life after the one you love with all your heart dies...you grow a second heart and work on bringing it to life...you find someone who makes you think about tomorrow, instead of drowning in yesterday.

(I wanna hold you till I die
Till we both break down and cry


I wanna hold you

till the fear in me subsides)

THE END