"…" Yumichika and Uryu stared at enemy will identical looks of disbelief.
"Well what are you waiting for?" Captain Tsunami asked making a shooing motion. "Jump on it."
"Captain…?" Uryu began trying to find the right words.
"This is stupid." Yumichika said bluntly.
"I know that, never-the-less, it is our mission." The captain replied blithely.
"The weakest student in the academy could defeat this thing." Yumichika protested.
"A six year old with a sling shot could defeat this thing." Uryu groused.
"You still have to defeat it. The Head Captain is not as 'confident' in our skills as I am." Kari air quoted the word confident. "I think Captain Kuchiki is just pissed about Rukia."
"You think Captain Kuchiki is influencing Captain Yamamoto's decisions." Uryu asked speculatively.
"Of course he is, everyone knows he made a deal with Captain Ukitaki to keep her from being seated." Yumichika says eying the pathetic excuse for a hollow they'd been sent to deal with.
"He'll get over it." Kari shrugged then seeing the skeptical looks the Lieutenant and Third were giving added. "…eventually."
Uryu gave the creature a baleful look. "Sending three top-ranked reapers for this seems, for lack of a better word, stupid."
"They're just hoping something bigger will show up to eat us." Yumichika pouted.
"Well either way you slice it one of us has to deal with it." Captain Tsunami pushed Yumichika over in front of it. "So deal with it."
"Why me?" Yumichika huffed.
"Because we outrank you." Uryu smirked.
"There's no way I'm going near that thing!" Yumichika flash stepped back behind them.
"Fine, I'll do it. Geez if you wanted to see my zanpakuto you could have just asked." Kari grumbled drawing the sword. "Outshine the stars, Helios!"
A ring of light formed at the base of the sword and swirled upward. When the light vanished Captain Kari Tsunami was holding a straight edged saber with the kanji for 'Protector of Dreams' running down the blade. Kari walked up to the hollow or what passed for one these days and unceremoniously sliced through it.
"I feel so cheated." Yumichika sighed dramatically.
"I have to agree. I was looking forward to seeing the Captain in action." Uryu as they turned to leave.
Beep. Beep. Beep.
They pulled out their phone and smirked when it confirmed another, rather an actual, hollow nearby.
"Shall we, gents?" The Captain asked with renewed spirits.
Soul Society
"The art of drinking without becoming inebriated is simple." Yumichika began, pouring each of them a glass of sake. "First, you sip your sake slowly so as to enjoy the flavor and to prolong refills."
He demonstrated this by leisurely taking a drink of his sake as though he had all the time in the world.
"Second, when drinking in a group, distract your heavy drinkers with innuendo and playful banter." Yumichika slid in beside Ikkaku and said something that set the whole table rolling as he leisurely sipped from his glass.
"And finally, and I can't stress this enough, try to pick proportionally beautiful drinking mates." Yumichika deadpanned.
"Think we can handle all that?" Kari asked Uryu while idly taking a drink.
Uryu shrugged sipping from his glass. "I suppose so."
"So Yumichika, what were your plans for Ikkaku tonight?" Kari asked casting him a sly glance.
Yumichika leered as he took a small drink from his glass. "Wouldn't you like to know?"
"I'm sure we can guess." Uryu smiled into his glass.
"You're welcome to try." Yumichika murmured demurely.
"I'm sure we could come up with a few helpful ideas." Kari offered casually.
"More than a few I'd wager." Uryu added meaningfully.
Yumichika clucked his tongue. "I have everything under control."
Kari leaned forward feigning interest. "Is that so?"
"Please enlighten us." Uryu murmured resting his chin in his hand.
"Well… if you insist…" Yumichika leaned forward conspiratorially.
Four hrs. and six bottles of sake later
"My dear Captain, you are sorely mistaken." Uryu said sagely. "Cross hatch stitching is much faster than single or double stitches."
"For an experienced seamstress or tailor maybe." Kari argued.
"Why do you even need to sew or crochet when you can just buy anything you want?" Yumichika huffed in exasperation.
Uryu's aura took on a sinister sheen, his eyes glinted dangerously and temperature dropped to an icy chill.
"We were talking about quality not quantity." Uryu snapped his words practically dripping with venom.
"Wow, Uryu is scary when you insult his hobbies." Kari said slightly impressed.
"And pretty." Yumichika said dazzled by how utterly beautiful Uryu looked radiating malice and danger.
Across the room Ikkaku choked on his drink, spitting alcohol all over his drinking buddies.
Kari smirked at that deciding to play it up. "I just knew if I put the two of you together you'd fall in love with each other."
"How could I love someone who wants me to wear store bought clothing?" Uryu asked clearly scandalized and repulsed.
"I'm sure Yumichika would change his mind if he saw some of your amazing work." Kari stepped in smoothly.
Yumichika seeing Ikkaku's shoulders tighten went along with her adding earnestly. "I know anything made by you would be beyond compare."
Uryu eyed him suspiciously then seeing the teasing glint in Kari's eye decided to play it out. "Naturally, my skill is unparalleled, but I'm in desperate need of model worthy of my artistic skill."
Ikkaku appeared abruptly beside Yumichika scowling as he clambered into the chair opposite Uryu.
Objective reached, Uryu and the captain resumed their previous argument. Ikkaku tossed back a bottle of sake while keeping tabs on Yumichika.
One hr. and five or six bottles later
"It's all that traitor's fault." Captain Tsunami was telling Captain Zaraki. "They're completely worthless. Worse than academy rejects."
"Hn." Zaraki downed another bottle which caused the buzzed Captain to snatch up his collar lean in closer.
"Are you listening to me?" Kari demanded poking him in the chest repeatedly.
"Hn." Was the only answer she got, which was as they say was the wrong thing to say.
"Don't you take that tone with me mister!" Kari snapped at him completely pissed off for no apparent reason.
Uryu watched with rapt attention as his captain proceeded to tell the "upstart" that even if she had gone straight from the academy into the captainship she was way more than capable of doing the job. And when Zaraki replied with another "hn". It was apparently the straw that broke the camel's back because the next thing he knew Captain Tsunami had snatched off one his gloves slapped Captain Zaraki with it and challenged the man to a duel. So being the responsible Lieutenant he was he naturally offered her another glass of sake which she immediately latched onto, downed, and shoved back under his nose for a refill. Just as she finished off the glass Captain Zaraki spoke.
"No one uses white gloves anymore." He deadpanned.
Now Uryu who was the owner of said glove was naturally infuriated at the slight and Kari who had briefly commandeered said glove was also pissed off. Which resulted in one Yumichika being thoroughly enraptured, one Ikkaku sulking like a child, one Captain Zaraki getting an earful on either side, and a bar full of thoroughly entertained patrons.
Two hrs. and … a lot of sake later
Kenpachi and Yumichika watched with poorly hidden amusement as Ikkaku was forced into an admittedly well-made dress. Though try as they might the newly appointed captain and lieutenant could not seem to get the red ringlet wig on his head.
"Uryu there's something wrong with our plan." Kari muttered as they once again failed in their attempt to capture the bald man.
"We just need him to hold still a minute…" Uryu grumbled eyeing the surprisingly slippery man.
"No we don't." Kari said slowly turning back to the table with an evil smile. "We just need reinforcements."
"Of course." Uryu's eyes lit up as he also turned back to the table eyeing their prey er… reinforcements.
Kari skipped over to the table and said in a singsong voice. "Yumichika, Captain Zaraki, wouldn't you like to come play with us?"
Yumichika seemed a bit taken aback by his commander's carefree invitation slash demand. Kenpachi on the other hand just went with it. Between the three of them they had Ikkaku pinned and wigged in seconds flat. Yumichika could only try to stifle his laughter at the sight of his former teammate resplendent as the noonday sun in a 15th century English ball gown made of highest quality crimson silk coupled with the auburn wig and Ikkaku's scowling face. It was priceless.
The next morning
"Come on everybody! Rise and Shine!" Captain Tsunami cried flipping Yumichika out of his bed.
"How can you be so cheerful?" Yumichika asked staggering into the washroom to splash water on his aching head.
"Because I had a great drinking instructor." Captain Tsunami beamed at him.
"You should be proud of your pupils." Uryu said also sounding disturbingly unaffected.
"And ashamed of myself." Yumichika muttered sourly.
"If you keep making that face it'll get stuck that way." Uryu advised on his way out.
"And Ikkaku won't love you no more." Captain called back tauntingly.
Yumichika glared at their retreating forms before schooling his face into a more becoming look.
Training ground
Rukia and Orihime paused in their training to watch the Captain and her top two "torture the troopers" as they were so fond of saying. At first glance it looked like the "troopers" were doing just fine. In no more than fifteen minutes, both girls were feeling what could only be described as astonished horror. There were first year Academy students in better shape than most of the squad.
"I used to wonder why someone would risk ticking off Captain Zaraki just to recruit a third seat, but now I'm just shocked she didn't try raid the other squads." Rukia told Orihime.
"Actually, Uryu said that the troops were improving a lot." Orihime replied. "He said when they first took over most of them couldn't even qualify for the Academy."
Rukia's mouth fell open in shock. "That's progress?"
"When Uryu told me about the first few days of training I was sure he was joking, but now I see that wasn't the case." Orihime continued.
"Hey you two!" Captain Tsunami called waving them over.
Rukia and Orihime pointed at themselves as if to say "us?"
"You get take the troopers on a nice little run." Yumichika replied with a smirk.
"You should run for 10 miles at least to optimize conditioning." Uryu called over his shoulder.
"Hey, wait!" Rukia yelled coming to her senses. "Where are you going?"
"Mission two!" Captain called with cheerful wave.
"Good luck, we'll take care of things while you're gone!" Orihime called waving encouragingly.
Rukia heaved a defeated sigh then turned toward the troops resolutely.
Mission Two
"…"
"…"
"…"
"This is an insult to our skills." Uryu ground out clearly irritated.
"I'm inclined to agree there is no excuse for this." Yumichika frowned.
"… as sad as they are even the troopers could have handled this... easily" Captain Tsunami added eyes clearly reflecting her displeasure. "Beware the wrath of Kuchiki."
Yumichika and Uryu made sounds of agreement.
"Since we're here… show me Urahara's shop!" Captain Tsunami cried regaining her cheer.
"We may as well." Uryu muttered. "It's not as though we have anything better to do."
"We're going shopping?" Yumichika asked interest renewed.
"Why not?" The Captain said airily. "It's not as though we're in demand right now."
"As long as we're here, I have a few sewing supplies to pick up." Uryu said flipping through his notes to find the list.
"Sewing supplies?" Yumichika asked in an "are you serious?" tone of voice.
"Uryu's going to give our squad a new look." Kari told him amused by his look of disbelief.
"As tempting as it would be to outfit the entire squad in traditional Quincy battle regalia," Uryu said guessing his thoughts. "I have something different in mind."
Yumichika looked unconvinced. "As long as it highlights my natural beauty, I could care less."
Urahara's shop
"Somehow, I expected better." Kari said shaking her head.
"You're not the only one." Yumichika sniffed disdainfully.
"It's always something of a letdown." Uryu added cleaning his lenses.
"Well, well, well. I seem to be popular today." Kisuke said making his presence known.
Kari gave him a skeptic look. "This is the scientific genius that pissed of Mayuri by improving his converter bracelet?"
"The one and only." Kisuke said taking a bow.
"He's surprisingly skilled despite his appearance." Uryu confirmed.
Kisuke hid his smirk behind his trademark fan. "Why don't you join us for tea?"
"How did you manage to get away from Captain Zaraki?" Yumichika's voice floated back from the next room.
"I didn't." Ichigo scowled. "If Toshiro hadn't shown up with a mission I'd be toast."
"And you took your boyfriend along for protection?" Kari asked with a wicked gleam in her eye.
Ichigo and Renji spewed tea halfway across the table.
"And here I was thinking Uryu and Ichigo were sneaking around behind my back." Kisuke couldn't resist teasing his pupil.
"Actually," Uryu began in a completely serious tone. "Renji is mine."
Ichigo swallowed his tea wrong and began to choke.
"I thought you wanted to wait?" Renji asked surprised.
"I can't have over imaginative perverts" Uryu glanced significantly at Kisuke. "gossiping all over the Soul Society."
"It's common knowledge that Ichigo is sleeping with Urahara." Yumichika said feigning boredom.
"WHAT?" Ichigo shouted springing to his feet. "Who told you that?"
"And here I was told the substitute was dating Rukia." Kari mused.
"I have it on good authority that Ichigo is seeing Orihime." Uryu interjected.
"No, you're all wrong. Ichigo is sleeping with Kisuke. It's common knowledge." Renji said easily dismissing their claims.
"Ichigo isn't sleeping with anyone and I would know!" Ichigo snapped feeling furious and completely embarrassed.
"That could change." Kisuke purred sneaking in an opportune grope.
"KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF PERVERT!" Ichigo shrieked flash stepping across the room.
"Aww! He's shy!" Kari cooed at the fuming substitute.
"I'd wager Ichigo is the type that likes to be chased." Yumichika said sipping his tea.
"You're wrong." Uryu said knowingly. "Ichigo isn't one to run from anything. Once he gets something into that thick skull of his he pursues it single-mindedly."
"Not unlike someone else you know." Kisuke said giving Renji a pointed look.
"Che. I know what I like." Renji muttered coloring slightly.
"There goes all my plans for Yumichika and Uryu…" Kari sighed wistfully then turning to Uryu said. "We'll just have to focus on making Ikkaku admit his feelings."
"Naturally." The Quincy agreed adding that to their "to do" list.
"I've been toying with the idea of sending the troopers over to squad 11 for some intensive training." Kari announced wanting some input.
"You think they'd survive?" Yumichika asked in disbelief.
"It would certainly improve the survivors." Uryu answered thoughtfully.
"They can't be that bad." Ichigo said taking a seat as far away from Kisuke as humanly possible.
"I've seen the exercise drills." Renji commented dryly. "They're that bad."
"I hardly think exposure to Kenpachi will improve their overall performance." Kisuke said tapping his fan against his lips thoughtfully.
"I bet you could come up with a regime to whip them into shape." Kari said slyly. "And I'm sure Kenpachi wouldn't mind if you tested it out on Ichigo."
"What?!" Ichigo snapped. "You can't just make promises about me!"
"I'm sure if we hint to Captain Zaraki that it would make Ichigo a stronger opponent he would readily agree." Uryu said flipping through his notes coping down the relevant information for Kisuke.
Kisuke began flipping through Uryu's notes becoming more and more thoughtful. "If these figures are accurate this may take a while."
Renji and Ichigo started reading over Uryu's shoulder. "Uryu please tell me you're exaggerating these numbers." Ichigo murmured.
"I knew it was bad, but I had no idea how bad." Renji said looking over the numbers.
Two weeks later, Squad 5 training ground
Rukia looked over the training regime Urahara had come up with.
"This is crazy!" Rukia squawked. "There is no way I could do all this let alone these clowns!"
"If we put our minds to it we can do anything!" Orihime said looking over the plans. "We really have to do all these things?"
"According to Urahara," Captain Tsunami explained. "if we divide the regime into these three phases we can have the troopers fighting on the same level as the other squads."
"But this plan says it's a one month intensive course." Rukia protested.
"Well, can't we just stretch it out for a few more months?" Orihime asked still looking through the plans. "Hey look!" She points to some fine print near the bottom. "It says how to space out the training for unseated soul reapers."
"Eh?" Rukia grabbed the paper scanning the paper quickly. "Oh. Well this might work…"
"There you see all is not lost." Captain said cheerfully. "I will of course expect all my seated officers to adhere to the seated officers training regime."
"What?" Rukia cried feeling harassed.
"We really have to do all this?" Orihime asked not really sure if she was serious.
"Of course. Myself, Uryu, and Yumichika as well." Captain Tsunami answered in a serious tone. "This squad has been bellow standard for far too long. It's time we return it to its former glory."
"C-captain?" Rukia and Orihime murmured as the Captain swept out of the division building.
Mission Three
"Captain Kuchiki is the source of all evil." Kari muttered sourly.
"I'm starting to think the Head Captain has a personal grudge against us." Yumichika muttered angrily.
"I'm beginning to suspect a conspiracy." Uryu glowered at the spot where their latest pathetic excuse for a mission had been."
"I told the Old Man to take our squad off mission ready status." Kari announced gravely.
"You did what?" Yumichika growled.
"So you were serious the other day." Uryu said more than asked.
The newly appointed captain nodded her confirmation. "We're implementing Urahara's training regime."
"For the entire squad?" Yumichika said not sure how he felt about that idea.
"We'll be taking the officers speed course then we're going back to basics. I for one am tired of these so called 'missions'." Kari said coldly.
"On that we are all agreed." Yumichika said darkly.
"Lock down." Uryu murmured with grim satisfaction.