I lay curled in a ball on the couch. Sometimes Bear sits next to me, brings me water, silent but attentive. Other times he's on lookout duty. Carlo and Marai, Johnny and Spinner are all still out in the district somewhere. My chest feels like a vast aching pit.
I hate my father for sending me here, alone and apart and alive. I have no idea if my parents escaped, or were taken to the Capitol, or if they were there, at home, maybe even asleep when the bombers came. Are they dead? Would I know? Did the Capitol bomb district 12 because Katniss destroyed the arena? Waves of guilt overtake me. Why do I get to survive when district 12 is gone? How can I ever make up for that injustice? Katniss, the Mockingjay, that little gold pin. I wallow in guilt-ridden thoughts that the bombing is my fault, for giving Katniss that pin in the first place. I just wanted her to have the best chance of coming home. How could I have known what would happen? And now, our home, our families, are gone. I shudder as images of the flames engulfing the district flash through my mind. The Seam, practically gilded in coal dust, didn't stand a chance.
Again and again, I can't escape the image of my home disintegrating under the assault of firebombs. They're all dead: my parents, my classmates. Katniss' and Peeta's families. Gale. Everyone. Everyone is dead, except maybe Katniss and Peeta and Haymitch because who knows what happened when the arena exploded, and surely the Capitol has executed them too, but maybe just maybe there was really was some plan for the Victors to escape.
At times I must sleep, but when I do the flames and darkness overtake me in my dreams. Bear moves me to a bed in the back room, and leaves me. I don't leave the bed- not for meals, not for lookout duty. Bear brings me soup and watches until I sip it down. He doesn't question me. He tells me when Johnny and Spinner have been here, but he hasn't let them see me.
Eventually, the need to talk about what happened outweighs the impossible need to deny it all. If the Capitol has said anything, anything that might tell me about survivors, or whatever cause they could have had for this, or any of the millions of things swirling in my mind, I need to know. The next time Bear comes, I ask him about the broadcasts, and what's been reported about the bombings. He sighs, getting right to the heart of it, "They said District 12 rebels tried to take over the coal mines. That it's completely destroyed, and the bombing is a lesson to any rebels in other districts." I'm sure that it's a lie, that there's no way district 12 rebelled. Things could not have changed so much in the short time I've been gone. Has it really been only days since I was sitting in the square watching the victor interviews before the Quell?
Bear tells me what he's figured out about the bombings in district four (mostly targeting rebels in other sectors) and other districts. The Capitol reporters blame the destruction on the rebels, one way or another. More districts than we'd known must be rebelling, because Bear has identified at least 7 different districts in the footage. I channel grief and anger into my resolve to do whatever I can to get justice for my family and district. I can't watch the broadcasts, but I read through all of Bear's notes. I throw myself into the district four rebellion to distract myself from the pain, and obsessively take in all the information I can.
Now that I'm up and moving again, Bear leaves the apartment to check in with the rebels. I take lookout duty, not really sure what I'm looking out for given the current quiet. Then in the early afternoon, I find that Bear is coming down the street, back to the apartment. He's not alone - Johnny and Spinner trail him, each lugging a rucksack filled to the brim.
When they walk in the door, I throw my arms around Johnny in greeting, grateful they are back in one piece. As I pull away, I notice his face is bright red. I wonder if he's okay. Just then, Spinner lifts me up and spins me around, declaring loudly in an exaggerated Capitol accent, "You must dance with me, Maddie! We've got the haul of the century here, it's time for a celebration!" I laugh impulsively at this strange welcome, and beat my hands on his shoulder in an effort to be let down. He sets me down with a bounce and tosses me his rucksack, saying, "C'mon, help us inventory."
As we empty the bags onto the floor, I can't believe my eyes. They've brought back all kinds of things – almost like they've been on a shopping spree. There's some food, mostly dry stuff but also a whole bag of fresh apples. They've also got a few gadgets that remind me of things I've seen Capitol reporters carrying around. I wonder what they do. The real treasure, though, is three full boxes of ammunition. They'd gotten their hands on a few peacekeeper weapons before, but I had learned from Marai that bullets were the limiting factor. They'd never had enough to spare any for target practice. Maybe this is a solution; if nothing else, they've got a supply now. I'm overwhelmed by it all and too curious to wait, so I start to ask, "Where ...?" With a grin, Spinner cuts me off cagily, "When the net's in the water, nobody's watching the hold." I guess a fishing metaphor makes sense in district four. It's a good thing I learned a little about boats back home. Spinner's been working on breaking in to peacekeeper housing areas when they're busy fighting rebels, when their barracks are less protected. That's not to say they're completely unguarded, but Spinner and Johnny found their way into a few storage areas and barracks and managed to come away with all this.
We don't talk about the bombings. I wonder what Bear has told Johnny and Spinner. After we've sorted through the new supplies, Spinner sends Johnny to bed to get some rest while he takes a closer look at one of the gadgets. I want to offer to help somehow, but I don't know what there is to do. Instead, I ask Spinner if he knows what happened after the peacekeeper came at me in the street. I never did find out; I haven't seen anyone but Bear since the mob scene on the street. "I thought I was a goner," I confess. He nods, and tells me Johnny went at the peacekeeper full tilt when he saw me. He continues, "Marai couldn't risk a shot at that angle. Luckily Carlo got there first. The peacekeeper had seen Johnny comin', and missed Carlo. Some of these new keepers aren't as diligent; they may have been rushed through to bolster the ranks. Anyway, Carlo knocked him out, and sent you back here with Johnny." "Are Carlo and Marai okay?" I ask. "Yeah, they're still with the group holding the administration building. There's been a lot of trouble getting things in and out, but they're surviving."
I don't know what to make of Bear's news from the rebels. Those bombings were more effective than he'd let on; the peacekeepers haven't been completely ignorant of the rebel organization, and some of the bombings took out the top district leaders. Nobody really knows who should be in charge, but for now a core group from sector 1 is taking the lead. As for the quell, there's also news that Katniss and Finnick were rescued from the arena when it blew up, but that's not even the crazy part. Supposedly they were rescued by district 13. It sounds crazy to me, considering I've heard all my life that district 13 was destroyed decades ago. Johnny keeps talking about footage of district 13 and a mockingjay, but I don't follow what he means, and the Capitol hasn't been airing anything about district 13, so I can't see for myself. Everyone is worried about Annie Cresta, who has disappeared and is believed to have been abducted by the Capitol.
Over the next few days, I help out wherever I can. Nobody wants me out on the streets, and I'd probably get lost anyway. But with Carlo and Marai gone, there's plenty to be done. I take a shift as lookout, help with meals, and like everyone else, talk over every new bit of information on district 4 from twenty different directions. Johnny and I take some of the food to the healer, but I can't meet Adrian's eyes, wondering what has happened to his high-profile family. At night, Bear shows me some of what he's learned about how to operate the tech gadgets Spinner brought back. Gradually, I'm able to join the conversations about other districts - when we talk about what clues there have been to the rebellions in other districts, the loss of district 12 hangs in the air. I don't watch the broadcasts, either. They still replay bombings, and I can't take it. The others call me in if there's something in particular to see - some new Capitol propaganda.
We fall into a routine. Johnny and Spinner are often out in the district, looking for intel, supplies, or joining rebel attacks. Occasionally Bear and I go, usually when more hands are needed on the "supply runs" or when there's a big attack planned against the peacekeeper forces. I learn to use one of the peacekeeper guns and feel more protected than that first mob scene. Still, each time we go out I'm scared I'll be captured. I'm never on the front lines. After each of the supply runs, I help Johnny with distributing our excess to Adrian and other rebels. I take to staying up late into the night, tracking supplies and discussing the rebels' moves with Bear. Carlo and Marai return for a couple days, strategizing with the rest of us on the battle.
The rebels control the area around the administration building won in the earlier attack, but the Capitol is still in control of the train station, and the marina in sector 2. That's made food hard to come by in the district, and Spinner's success at pilfering from the enemy only gets us so far, it's not going to help the entire district. Some rebels in sector 2 have found ways to get small crafts out into the water while avoiding the Capitol patrols - a few people have been doing this for years, much like the hunters in district 12. That's something, at least. In sector 3, which I don't know much about, the rebels have control of some "farms" for shellfish and shrimp. I don't exactly get how that works, but it is a source of food for many in the district. It's not hopeless, and I think with irony we're much better off here than district 12 would be if cut off. I'm thinking about the backyard gardens and illegal hunting and gathering that would be all we would have ... before I remember it's all gone. It's best when I can forget, when I'm caught up in what's happening here. But then something will remind me and I struggle to keep moving forward. It's only thanks to Spinner, Johnny and Bear, and the rebellion, that I have something to fight for, something that will never make up for what's happened to my family and home in district 12, but something that keeps me breathing, that keeps me getting out of bed each day.
A/N: Peeta's interview in the next Chapter! =)