Disclaimer: All mentioned characters are property of J.K. Rowling.

Chapter 4. Secrets

It was a four days later, as she was quietly sitting in the Head's common room, that Lily was desperately trying, and failing, to concentrate on her work. Her mind kept slipping back to James, his lips, his hair, his eyes and oh that body. But she couldn't, wouldn't, and she desperately needed to get her head back on straight. Continuously thinking about James this way, as well as the sad face he'd been wearing since she'd gone back to ignoring him, did nothing to help her get through her own days. Swearing lightly as James' bedroom door opened behind her, she made to gather her belongings, not ready to face the object of her latest fantasies. She whirled around in shock though, when it wasn't James' voice, but Remus', that called out to her.

"Hi Lily, sorry I startled you" Remus said closing the door behind him before making his way over to her.

"Remus! It's ok... thought you were James actually. What are you doing up here? James isn't here..."

"I know. I have to pass by his room to get up here remember? Well. I could pass by yours. But, you know. With the girls stairs. And then guessing your password. It's a 'bit of a hassle. Anyways, I didn't see him there and definitely don't see him here. Soooooo... I figured." Remus was looking at her with mischief in his eyes. He was by far the tamest of the Marauders, but he still never let up an opportunity to tease someone.

"Oh ha ha!" She smirked trying to feign annoyance, but failing miserably as she smiled back to her friend.

"I was looking for you, actually."

"Oh?" Came Lily's surprised reply, "everything ok? Anything I can help you with?"

"Just wanted to talk." He started his voice trailing off slightly, his eyes meeting hers. She could tell he was a bit uncomfortable, but couldn't figure out why. "About James. Well. About you and James."

"Me and...?" Lily's voice was low and full of surprise as she cut herself off. Regaining composure she continued in a more controlled voice "there is no me and James, Remus, surely you of all people would know that."

"Exactly."

"What?" She was surprised now, not quite understanding what Remus was getting at.

"Listen Lily, I won't pretend to understand what's going through your mind. But I won't pretend that I haven't seen the way you've been looking or acting around him either. You've been jumping from hot to cold since we've gotten back and you're killing him Lily, you..."

But before he could keep going, Lily cut him off, her voice low and broken and her eyes looking anywhere but at him. "That's exactly what I'm trying to avoid Remus..."

"What!?" His voice came out much louder than he wanted. Of all the answers that he would have anticipated, that clearly wasn't one of them. "Lily, I don't know what you're talking about, but... How? How could all of this be to protect him? Seriously Lily... You know I'm not here to pass judgment or anything on you but, Lily... One second you're flirting with him and the next you barely acknowledge his existence. I know you don't want to hurt him Lily, I know something must be going on, but I don't understand. I mean, you're not even acting as if you're his friend anymore..."

Remus cut himself off abruptly when tears started flowing freely down her cheeks. He had been friends with Lily a lot longer than any of the Marauders, and still, he couldn't recall ever seeing her cry. And so, not even thinking about if she would mind, he pulled her tightly into his arms.

"Lily, what's wrong, what is it?" Pulling her away lightly to look into her eyes, he continued "Come on Lily, what's wrong. You know you can trust me. You can talk to me."

"Right! Like you trust me!?" She knew she was being unfair, jabbing at anything just to get him to stop. To stop herself from telling him everything so that he couldn't report back to James.

Dropping his arms from his friendly embrace he looked at her, shock filling his eyes. "What? What are you talking about Lily? Of course I trust you. We all trust you."

"Right... so is that why you've never seen fit to tell me about your furry little problem? Or how the guys help you every month!?"

She didn't know why, but she was angry all of a sudden. Angry at Remus for not trusting her enough. Angry at the others, especially James, for putting their lives in danger every month. She didn't know what they did or how they did it, had never breathed a word to any of them about it, but since she figured out about the other boys monthly disappearances, she always made sure to watch for their safe return on those nights they went gallivanting around the castle on full moons. She didn't particularly like the Marauders back then, except Remus of course, but she couldn't imagine what she would do if any of them got hurt. The thought of telling on them was out of the question though, because although she hadn't known the reasons back then, she still remembered how awful Remus used to look when he'd come back from being ill, or taking care of his mother... Although she had her assumptions, she didn't know exactly when his friends had figured it out and started helping him, but he looked so much better now, and she had no doubt that they had a part in that. She couldn't take that away from him.

"I...what?" Remus was stuttering now, he's cool demeanour lost completely, but she couldn't bring herself to stop.

"Do not play stupid with me Remus Lupin! I know you're a werewolf. I've known for years! And don't you think I haven't noticed the guys slipping out on full moons! I don't know how they do it, but I know it has something to do about you. Do you really think I wouldn't figure it out? Even without Sev - Snape's nonstop prattling about it, it was easy to figure out. Especially with us being friends Remus!"

He didn't know what to say, standing there staring at her wide eye. One thing was sure though. He had not been expecting this. "You... you knew?"

"Of course I knew Remus." Her voice finally settling back to a normal tone. She felt slightly ashamed for exploding at him about this. She had always understood how difficult it must be for him and why he must be so terrified about anyone finding out. Of course it had stung that he hadn't trusted her enough to tell her, but she understood.

"Lily... I - I'm sorry." He looked so crestfallen as he looked away from her. "I was afraid you would..."

"I get it Remus, I do." She cut him off "I'm sorry. That had nothing to do with all of this. I didn't mean..."

"It's ok Lily. I guess I'm kind of relieved that you know. And still... you know... stick around."

"Of course I would Remus!" She looked at him, appalled. "You're still Remus you know!"

"I know, I just... Never mind!" He looked back at her suddenly. "Don't think you're getting out of this James talk!" His voice suddenly brighter. "I know you're mad that I didn't tell you, but you're not getting off that easy. You and James are my friends, and I know something is wrong."

Sitting back down and putting her head down between both hands, a deep sigh escaped her lips. Lily's voice came out soft and muffled. "Being with him... I couldn't do that to him. It would be too dangerous. I couldn't put him in that situation. I mean. With everything that's been going on, all those attacks..."

And if that whole 'I know you're a werewolf and don't care' discussion hadn't been enough to convince him of it, in that moment, Remus truly understood how amazing this woman sitting in front of him was - truly understood James' continued devotion to her. "Lily, James wouldn't want that to stop you. He would never let that come between you."

"That's exactly why I have to be the one to stay away!" She exclaimed looking up at him now. "James won't care that I could get him killed. But I care Remus! I love him too much to put him in that situation!"

Remus was astounded. He knew that Lily had feelings for his best mate, but he never knew how deep the truly went.

"You've seen what they do to muggle-borns and to their families - to the people they love - that love them... I can't. I couldn't."

Remus wanted to console her. He wanted so badly to tell her that it shouldn't stop her. That James' name was marked no matter what, because he would never, never stand by and let the muggle-borns get brought down without a fight. But he couldn't find the words to tell her, because he understood exactly how she felt. He felt it too, every time there was an attack on half bloods and their friends and families.

"Promise me you won't tell him Remus. You can't. I have to protect him, Remus. Please promise me."

"I promise."