Chapter Nineteen

A/N: I get so annoyed when my band can't stay off the topic of boobs for like, five minutes. Like seriously guys, they need girlfriends.

Anywho, here's another chapter for you! Quite a lot of swears in this one, but meh.

I watched On Stranger Tides today. Had little fangirl moments here and there. Showed my sister a picture of Colin O'Donoghue and she said he looked girly. #sheneedstosortoutherpriorities

Nellee and Aureaborealis, my darlings, you are the bombshiz.

Enjoy my lovelies! xx

Admissions

xxx

Two Weeks Ago

"You know what, Felix," Pan was saying, "If you're so fucking against even training the lost boys, what fucking use do you have to me!"

"Whoa, Pan," Felix said with his hands up as he took a step away from his leader. "If you wanna fucking flip out, don't do it so close to me." He'd seen the flash of red that had shot from his hands in anger. It wasn't as huge as it would have been two years ago, but it was still enough to frighten Felix. He'd see the power that Pan had emitted when he'd first taken Evie's love.

"I'll do what I want, Felix," Pan answered angrily, "You follow me. And you need to get on with this before I fucking sever your head from your body and use it as a reminder to the rest of the lost boys. I need those palace plans. How else am I suppose to invade the castle and take over?"

"Using your power –"

"MY POWER IS FUCKING WANING, FELIX!" Pan was in a rage now, his entire body edged in a shining red aura. "I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS SHIT!"

"Well maybe you just need a power up?"

"You think that just any fuck will do it, Felix?!" he exclaimed, spinning around on his heel to walk away. But as he paced, Felix could see the red glow fading from his body. His rage was fading as he genuinely thought over what his most loyal follower had said. The love he had taken from Evie wasn't enough. Why? A star's love was eternal! Unless…

"She's given it to someone else," Pan murmured in realisation. He spun around to face Felix is shock. "Our Princess has given her love to someone else. God, that little harlot!" He muttered under his breath in frustration. How dare she!

Well, to be put fairly, he had treated her rather poorly. It had been two years since he last saw her. She was probably off in some castle tending to servants and surrounded by jewels. Even though he knew that such things never concerned her, he like to think that way. It helped ease that twinge that bugged him incessantly.

"I have to go there," Pan said finally. "She has to love me again, I need her power. Without it I cannot have eternal youth. I cannot have the kingdom I desire…"

"I don't think she's going to take kindly –"

"Shut it, Felix!" Pan ordered. "Get me my star. I'll need it to get back to the Enchanted Forest."

"Of course, Pan," Felix responded, with a quick incline of his head.

Pan took a deep breath then. He didn't know what seeing her would do to him. But he knew that he couldn't let her affect him. He couldn't let her love change him again – just her power. All he needed was her power.

He tried to convince himself that right up until the moment he faced her two weeks later. By then, those thoughts were long gone.

He wanted to love her.

And so he did.

xxx

Evie was once again reclusive that night. She put away her shopping in the foodstore and went to Ash's room without a second thought. She heard the sounds of games being played and joyous laughter and knew that she couldn't take it.

Which was why, when Killian came to put Ash to sleep, he found Evie sitting by the fire, her back up against the chair, completely consumed by the flickering flames.

Ash was already asleep in his arms, so when he put her down, she merely slept on, her face peaceful. Evie's on the other hand, was lost. And it was almost as though she hadn't seen him come in. When he went to go and sit next to her, he frowned, one of his empty bottles of rum sitting beside her.

"Evie…" he muttered disapprovingly. They both knew she couldn't hold her alcohol.

"It's beautiful," she murmured, still not taking her eyes from the fire. "Warm yet cold and dangerous. If I leant out and touched it…"

"You'd get burnt," Killian reminded her.

"I know," she answered distantly and Killian noticed the hastily wrapped bandages around her palms.

"Shit, Evie," he said, cradling her hand in his. "What did you…what happened? You never drink like this!"

"Well you've got your distraction," she said, turning to look at him, "I needed a distraction from my distraction." Her voice was weak, as though it were a child speaking to him. With wide eyes then, she thoughtlessly leaned over and planted her lips on Killian's.

All he could do was be shocked. He couldn't even kiss her in return. Rather, he found her waist and pushed her back, her lifeless body moving with only the barest movement.

"Did he make me so unlovable?" Evie bowed her head when Killian pushed her away and tears welled up in her eyes.

"What's going on, Evie?" Killian asked, desperation growing in his voice. He hated seeing her like this. It was as though she was fighting with herself internally. He knew for a fact she wouldn't feel anything towards him, not in that way. So why had she kissed him? A distraction from my distraction…

"What's your distraction, Evie?" Killian asked gently.

She chuckled, an empty laugh, "He's no distraction. He's like a fucking parasite. Taking everything I feel and making me feel more in an endless circle. I don't want him," she turned to Killian desperately then, her burnt hands grasping at his collar, "I don't want him, I swear."

"Who?"

"Pan," she said, continuing on then as though the revelation hadn't just rocked Killian to the core. His mouth opened in shock. That explained it. The mood swings, the crying…

"But he's an enigma Killian," she continued, "One minute he's cold and unfeeling and the next he's holding me and loving me and…"

"Wait…you've seen him?"

"I've been fucking him for a week," Evie said blatantly.

A moment's silence fell between them then, as Killian, overtaken by shock, took in her words. "You hate him," Killian finally murmured. How many times had he felt her unhappiness? Beginning all those years ago when she would return from Neverland, alone and missing Pan. And then it had returned in the past few days – that desperation and distance.

"Do I?" she murmured to herself, her dark eyes finding the flames once again. "How can I?"

"He left you, Evie," Killian murmured. "He left you to the horrors of this world."

"Did he?" she continued, "Didn't I do that myself? Didn't I go to him, and want him. And let him touch me and take me." If she wasn't so inebriated, she wouldn't dare to speak so openly to Killian, but he was listening, his face showing varying degrees of horror with what he was hearing.

"You were young –"

"Maybe," Evie whispered bitterly. "But I was old enough to bear a child."

"You were…" Killian's breath hitched as his eyes darted over Ash, safe and sound in her bed. Realisation flooded his face as Evie buried her face in her hands, fighting back tears as she told Killian words she'd withheld for eight months. "Ash is Pan's child."

And the sob that came from Evie's lips confirmed it. His hand slipped to her back, in an effort to comfort her, but her body wracked with the tears that flew down her face. Killian could almost not take it in; almost. And now that he knew, he wasn't sure that he wanted to. Ash – his Ash – was fathered by Pan.

"And do you love him?" Killian found himself repeating the exact same words he'd asked her almost four years ago. But even more reluctant to hear her answer now.

"I don't know," she groaned desperately."I did...I might..."

Fuck, Evie, she thought to herself as her breath came sharply, just admit it. You do love him. You love him.

"Yes."

And she cried herself into silence as Killian wrapped his arms around her, comforting her through the night as the fire died into embers, and the two of them fell asleep in the most awkward position possible.

But still, they were closer than they'd ever been.