Inside my Heart
I'd always wanted Dapplepaw.
She was perfect for me; I was perfect for her. We both loved each other. Wildpaw agreed with the relationship…. she even helped us a little bit.
Dawnpaw and I made plans to run away someday. We would start our own little Clan, called TigerClan. It would have fierce, strong cats; everybody would be loyal and brave, and have kind hearts.
And then, she died.
Dapplepaw and Wildpaw were killed by Thistleclaw. I killed Thistleclaw in cold blood after that, and then, I had to kill Cloverpaw so that the secret would not get out.
It was around that time that I turned evil.
Thistleclaw hated me. He wanted to make life as miserable as possible for me. Well…. it worked. After I turned evil, I was miserable most of the time. I missed Dapplepaw a lot. I missed her so much that I could hardly stand it.
Is that really worth turning evil for? some cat might ask.
Yes, I would answer. It is.
Thistleclaw hurt me, deep inside my heart. And even when I started loving Goldenpaw, I knew that I would never completely stop loving Dapplepaw. Even when Goldenflower and I had kits; I still missed Dapplepaw more than anything.
It's because of me, and my bloodthirsty father, Thistleclaw, that she never got a warrior name. I was born, and Thistleclaw hated me; he decided to destroy my new-found happiness by killing the she-cat that I loved; I killed him and Cloverpaw.
Now that I am trapped inside the Dark Forest, I hate myself. I absolutely hate myself. Because if it wasn't for me killing Thistleclaw, and Thistleclaw torturing me like this, I wouldn't be evil.
Even when Thistleclaw tortured me as a kit, I wasn't that unhappy…. I was just confused. When I became an apprentice, however, now it was the real deal.
I wish I could be with Goldenflower again…. I miss her so much. I miss Dapplepaw, also. But she must hate me now…. I wish that I could just explain to her: I'm not as evil in the heart as you think I am! Remember TigerClan? Remember our plans? Thistleclaw ruined all that….
Now, I hate ThunderClan…. Although I do sort of regret that I tried to get Brambleclaw and Hawkfrost and Tawnypelt to help me. Hawkfrost died, and now he's stuck with me; Brambleclaw and Tawnypelt don't want anything to do with me anymore….
I wish that Thistleclaw wasn't my father. If I hadn't become so evil, this wouldn't have happened…. I hate myself. Dapplepaw will always have a special place inside my heart.