A/N: And ... we're back! Thank to everyone for reading and being patient while I was away! =)
As Rose and I walk to the rebel command center, my mind drifts. I'm not really with it. I'm still thinking about Katniss and district 12, it's true. Nobody I've been close to has been safe since before the rebellion, it seems. Katniss and Gale are fighting on the front lines, both injured during the war – I can only trust they're still alive. Peeta … I don't want to even think about what could be happening to him. My district was destroyed. My family is probably dead while I'm alive, here in four, somehow.
But I also keep thinking of how Bear pulled me to him when Katniss was shot … which is silly of me. He's a good friend – my best friend here, really – and he knew how worried I would be for her. He's just being there for me, like any friend. Even so. He's sweet and thoughtful and his brown eyes have these little flecks of gold in them … he's been a confidant to me and can always make me laugh. I can't risk losing Bear's friendship …
Last night when the broadcast ended, I wanted to stay, to nestle into his arms and forget about Katniss and district 2 and the war. That's when I really grasped … that it was too late to not fall for him. I guess it's been coming for a long time – I haven't thought about my old crush on Gale in ages. Even when he shows up in the broadcasts, of course I'm worried for him, but it's different now. He's not the boy with the strawberries anymore, and I'm not the mayor's daughter. So last night when Bear nudged me up after the broadcast to follow Rose, it felt like a rebuke, reminded me of the war and everything I can't hide from. Laying in bed after that, I couldn't think about my confused feelings, so I thought about those things that seem gone from my life - about Katniss, about my family and district 12. I thought about everything I've lost and everything I have, and how I have to do everything I can to protect it.
Everyone on the streets seems upbeat and smiling today, excited to be one step closer to winning the war, though most also look exhausted from an all-night vigil or maybe celebrating. I just need to channel all these emotions into something useful, so I tell myself to forget it as Rose & I walk to command. I watch the pavement moving past beneath my feet, lost in thought.
Rose brings me back to the moment, saying "Hey look, a shrine- I bet it's for Katniss." I look up to see a battered piece of plywood painted with a black and white bird, leaning on a wall outside command. Little candles and tokens, mostly things folded out of paper, are strewn all around it. I've never seen anything like it, and angle my way toward it. I stand trying to make sense of it, a few feet away, with my arms crossed. I don't understand what it means, though, I've never seen anything like it, and yet it makes me worry for her. I have to remind myself that Johnny said she was okay. I'm about to ask Rose about the shrine when I realize it might be something really common here in district four, so I don't say anything more. I feel guilty pretending with Rose, but that's just how it is. And anyway, I don't want to look like a complete idiot. Instead, I step back and when she asks if I'm ready, nod in agreement. I follow her into command. I sit in on her meeting and learn that essentially, the rebel leaders want to throw a celebration for the districts coming together, and will need provisions arranged. Rose will need to coordinate with the other sectors to see what there is to spare. On our way out, we run into Marai. I've been meaning to stop by to see her, but haven't gotten around to it. She can't talk now because she's late for a communications meeting, so I suggest I bring her things from the apartment over to her sometime. But she waves me off saying, "No, keep it. I bet the clothes will fit you," and heads off to her communications meeting.
"Clothes?" Rose asks. I explain, "She's got a whole box of clothes and shoes and stuff at the apartment."
Rose nods as we walk, "Oh right, well her family runs a clothing shop. Or they did, before the rebellion started. But she probably has plenty of stuff, whatever her family couldn't sell that fits, you know? Besides, she probably knows you could use it. You lost everything when your house was bombed right? And it's already cooling off, so summer clothes aren't gonna cut it that much longer. I think that's why the rebels want to get the shops open again. People have lost so much. There's a lot that they'll need."
It does explain how Marai can afford to get rid of so much – even my family in 12 couldn't have afforded it, but I know from the townspeople with shops about problems with unused inventory. And I don't have very much with me in four, so if she really can spare it, I should appreciate her kindness. I'll have to find some way to thank her, though.
After a long day tracking inventory and helping identify excess provisions for a celebration, it seems to me that Marai must feel very alone, and I resolve to visit her anyway. When I bring it up with Johnny, he says he was planning on visiting her, and I should come with him. So the next day after work, we meet up and stop by Marai's new place to say hi. I think I annoy her a little, triple-checking about the things she's left behind at our place, but she's insistent, so eventually I let it go. I tell her a little about working at the provisions center, but there's not been much excitement. Johnny catches her up on his work in the clinic. He surprises me when he says he wants to join the assault on the Capitol as a medic; I had no idea he was even thinking about it. Maybe I've been neglecting him lately, too. What's wrong with me?
Marai describes working in the comm center, how they coordinate the district broadcasts with the rebels, and how the rebels have finally gained control of the general broadcast, though apparently the Capitol still has a way to break in. Still, there's been less and less resistance from the Capitol to rebel broadcasts, at least here in district four. Marai takes it as a sign that they've truly surrendered the district, which is great news. She doesn't know anything more about Katniss than we've heard on the broadcasts, though. She's doing alright, it seems, but she's not got the same spark I remember from before. She and Carlo had been each other's first serious relationship, so I can't even imagine how hard his death is on her. The longer we're there, the more I feel like I'm intruding on her and Johnny's time together – their common bond of Carlo's death hangs unspoken over us. Eventually, Johnny and I head out, and Johnny promises to visit again soon. I don't join in, not because I don't want to see her, but I think they'd be better off on their own next time. I hope they can support each other when the rest of us fail.
On the way home, I remember Johnny's comment about the Capitol.
"Were you serious, about going to the front lines when the rebels attack the Capitol?" I ask him.
He answers defiantly, "Yeah, so? They're gonna need medics, and I've been training awhile now. I hope I pass the clearance. It's what Carlo was fighting for, you know? I can't abandon it."
"I just didn't know. If that's what you want, I get it" I tell him.
I don't know what else to say, so I squeeze his shoulders in a half-hug. We walk in silence a few minutes, before he changes topics and asks how my arm's been doing. It's been pretty good, and I tell him so, but he asks several specific questions about my range of motion and other bits as we continue home.