A/N: Thanks for reading! A long chapter but hopefully worthwhile.
In the morning, Spinner and Bear are talking quietly when I come out to the front room. I never heard Spinner come home last night. I wonder how late he was out. Even though I pretty much went to bed after Bear left me at the bedroom door, it took me a long time to fall asleep. And after last night, I'd give anything to know what is going on in Bear's head.
"Morning," Bear says with a smile. Almost at the same time, Spinner looks up too and says, "Hi Maddie."
"Morning," I say to them. Still grumpy about last night, I ask Bear sullenly, "Get your work done?"
"Yeah, actually, I did," he answers, completely unfazed. How can he seem so normal, I wonder. Maybe this is all in my head.
To Spinner I add irritably, "Don't you ever sleep?"
Spinner laughs, "You're in fine form this morning. And no, I've given up on sleep. Why waste the time?"
I try to glare at him, but it's not very effective because he's made me smile. Spinner always knows how to lighten the mood. He adds, "There's hot water on," nodding toward the kitchen. "Thanks," I say.
I can't decide whether to drink my tea in the kitchen or with the guys. I settle on the corner of our little kitchen table where I can see them in the other room, but then I just feel like I'm spying on them. I find some paper to scribble on, so at least I'll look occupied.
I gulp my tea quickly, feeling awkward, and burn my tongue in the process. I try to go about my usual morning routine, and as quickly as I can I head out the door to get down to the store, to get some space so maybe I'll be able to think clearly. Before I leave, Spinner tells me Rose said she'd see me at the store for lunch today.
At the store, Naiya puts me to work as usual, today prepping provisions for pick-up by the local residents. I'm allowed to use my arm now, as long as I don't strain it. It gives me something to do with myself but my mind wanders and replays last night over and over, trying to understand what happened. The morning passes slowly, almost agonizingly, until we break for lunch. The word is that there's another big broadcast tonight, but we don't know what it is.
When Rose comes, I ask her if there's more planning to do for the district celebration. The district still hasn't thrown their big celebration, though I thought it was going to happen days ago.
"No, but you can help me tomorrow. It sounds like they want to have the celebration this weekend." Rose says casually. "You hear about the broadcast tonight?"
"Just that there is one. Everyone's saying it's supposed to be something big, but nobody knows what. Like usual." I answer.
"Yeah, I hope it's more good news. Maybe the Capitol is going to surrender?" she suggests.
We both laugh at that, knowing it'll never be that easy.
She continues, "Anyway, Spinner's gonna come to my place to watch. Spend some time with my mom. Maybe just stay over, if she lets him."
"Oh. Well that's good. I know she'll be glad to see you."
Somehow Naiya, Tad and Sasha have disappeared, leaving Rose & I to eat alone. It's not too unusual for us to eat in shifts, and I assume they're just busy. About halfway through our sandwiches, Rose glances at me as if she's trying to make up her mind about something. Looking away, she asks, "So you had fun last night?"
"What?" I ask, distracted.
"At the square. Dancing?"
"Oh. Yeah, it was really nice," I say.
She waits, as if expecting more from me. After a few minutes she says, "So - Are we talking about this?"
"About what?" I ask, feeling embarrassed and anxious.
"About .. you know. Whatever." she comments vaguely. Something from last night, I think. I'm still confused about her implications about the guys at the party, and feel like there's something she's trying to get out of me. I wouldn't even know where to begin. Katniss and I never talked about boys – not even with all her drama with Peeta and Gale. I know other girls talk about that kind of thing, but I don't know what to say – and I'm worried she'll just laugh at me.
"What do you mean?" I deflect, "Is something going on with you and Spinner?"
She looks at me skeptically, then sighs. "Never mind. Just thought you might want to talk."
Maybe I'm should say something. But I'm not really comfortable talking about what's going on with Bear … and besides, there's nothing going on with Bear. I'm losing it, that's all there is to it. All morning I was so acutely aware of where he was in the apartment, what he was doing, if he might be looking my direction or not. But he acted totally normal. Now Rose is questioning me. Can she tell I like him? If that's what she wants to talk about, why wouldn't she just say so? Unless ... I can only come up with one explanation - that she knows he doesn't like me and doesn't want to embarrass me. It was almost like she wanted me to meet other guys at the party. Didn't she even tell me I should meet people? Does she know Bear isn't interested in me, and that was her way of trying to help? Distract me from a lost cause? Maybe I should talk to her, but I don't know how. So yet again I keep my mouth shut.
In the afternoon, I'm helping distribute provisions, which keeps me busy. Before I know it we're closing up for the day and heading home.
Spinner is visiting Rose's family, like she told me at lunch, and Johnny wanted to go visit Marai again, so it's just me and Bear at the apartment. I should have talked to Rose. The more I think about it the more it seems she's trying to help me, and I know I should have opened up to her. Tomorrow, I promise myself, I'll tell her.
That doesn't help me now, though. At first I'm self-conscious being alone with him, feeling like an idiot. But he is still my best friend, and as we get dinner ready, we fall into our regular patterns around each other I find I don't have to remind myself to act normal. We eat on the couch, waiting anxiously to see what tonight's broadcast will be. Bear's just headed to the kitchen with our dishes when the rebels take over the broadcast. It shows a windowless room decorated with colorful autumn leaves and gourds. It reminds me that usually, it would almost be time for the Harvest Festival, back home. If there was a back home.
Most of the people on-screen are wearing monochromatic gray outfits, but a few people stand out in fancier clothes. Nobody compares to Finnick Odair though, standing near the front of the crowd in an elegant suit, looking overjoyed.
"Oh wow," Bear says, stopping mid-step on his way to the kitchen, eyes on the broadcast.
"and here I thought Finnick's charms only worked on women ..." I tease him from the couch.
He grimaces. "Not him. It's a wedding."
I turn back to the broadcast and see it myself. "Oh. Wow."
Bear disappears to the kitchen, calling over his shoulder to ask if I want a drink. "Sure," I say. In a moment he's back & hands me a mug. It's nothing exciting, just some reconstituted juice, but we can't exactly be picky under the circumstances.
The wedding broadcast is amazing. Soon Annie Cresta is standing beside Finnick, wearing a beautiful green dress, looking just as radiantly happy as Finnick. I can only imagine the effect this is having around district four, maybe even around Panem. I tuck my feet up onto the couch to keep warm, and we watch the broadcast attentively. The ceremony is similar to ones I've seen at the justice building in 12, but when it comes time for their vows to each other, the bride and groom are instead covered in a woven grass net. I turn to Bear with a questioning look and he explains, "They'll say their marriage vows to each other under the net, then each will touch the other's lips with salt water, a promise that even the longest voyages will never come between them. At least, that's the tradition."
It sounds lovely. I smile at him and nod, turning back to the screen. "In district 12, we would just have a small toasting ceremony."
"Like Peeta and Katniss had?" Bear asks. He must be thinking of the interviews from the Quell. I saw them in district twelve, the night before my father smuggled me onto the train.
I hesitate. "Like Peeta described – if it happened. I think Peeta made that up though, to gain sympathy for Katniss. She never really wanted to be married." Bear doesn't respond, just absorbs my words silently.
When the broadcast shows children singing, Bear tells me quietly, "That's the mariner's wedding song. It's always a part of the weddings in district four, but it's usually sung by the families." His face is wistful but his voice is matter-of-fact, and Finnick and Annie don't seem bothered. It makes me a little sad for them, that whatever family they have left must be here in district four. Then again, I have a new sort of family in my friends here in district four. Maybe Finnick and Annie have the same sort of thing in district 13. I still miss my parents, but I'm not alone - surely they aren't alone either. After all, district 13 is putting on this wedding, aren't they? And they've gone to the trouble to include district four traditions, which would be foreign to them.
"It's beautiful," I answer.
The ceremony ends with a kiss. I can't help thinking about Bear's lips so close and yet so unreachable, but don't allow myself to look at him.
Then the couple is cheered by the crowd. I see Katniss and Haymitch and other familiar looking faces, as fizzy drinks are poured on screen. Then a fiddler strikes up a tune from district twelve. I've heard it before, at the Harvest Festival, and know it's a popular dancing tune. Gale is one of the first people on the dance floor, along with an older woman from the seam. They are followed by loads of others. One even looks like an old classmate of mine, Delly Cartwright. Some others look vaguely familiar, too. It's my first glimpse of survivors from district 12, other than Gale and the victors. They're teaching the dance steps to others who must be from district 13. I can't help but smile. Everyone looks so happy and carefree.
I tell Bear, "It's a district 12 dance. The music is the same that's played at our Harvest Festival." It's nice to be able to talk freely about district 12, which is usually out of the question.
"Doesn't look like there's much dancing in district 13," Bear says, and I laugh. He's right - the district 13 residents aren't getting the dance steps very quickly, but they're all having fun, and that's what really matters.
"You're right ... but they're having fun anyway," I answer.
Eventually, even Katniss, one of the few in a fancy dress and looking beautiful as ever, appears on screen with her sister Prim, dancing along with the others. Katniss and Gale don't dance together, but I remember Bear's comment about the toasting. Most of Panem still thinks of Peeta and Katniss as star-crossed lovers, so she and Gale are probably not going to be broadcast in any situation that might seem romantic. I always figured they'd wind up together though. I wonder what life is like for them in district 13.
Most of the dances aren't for couples anyway, although there's a special song when just Finnick and Annie dance. It's such a beautiful moment, since they are so obviously in love and so happy together. I sigh, "They're amazing together. Do brides in district four usually wear green? That dress matches her eyes perfectly." By now we've seen pieces from district 12 and district 4 scattered through the ceremony, and I'm curious about what else might be part of their traditions.
"No, usually brides wear white," Bear says, "but maybe it'll start a new tradition. You could wear green when you get married … I mean, if you wanted … "
"Me? Why would I wear green?" I ask, nonplussed.
I turn to face him when he looks over at me confused and he answers, "Like you said about Annie, to match your eyes?"
"My eyes aren't green though." I say.
But I forgot, he doesn't know that. Bear's eyebrows arch. "I'm looking right at them. They're green."
My face heats up under his scrutiny and my mistake. I glance uncomfortably down to the couch, telling him, "My eyes aren't green. I mean, okay, they look green. And I guess they always will now. But they aren't, not really. Green eyes are common in district four, so … umm, I wear these colored lenses. My father got them in the Capitol. They were really popular, after Finnick won his games … "
Bear is looking at me intently and immediately asks, "Will you show me?"
He's so into this spy stuff. I'm surprised he never figured out my eyes weren't really green. I guess the lenses are really convincing, though. I glance back to the broadcast. More people dancing.
"Okay," I agree, indifferently, "but let me get some water." I fetch a bowl and fill it half full with water. The lenses are a bit of a pain to take out & put in – I can usually wear them all the time and only take them out once a week or so to give them a rinse. When I do take them out, however briefly, I put them into a small dish of water.
I come back to the main room to take out the lenses, setting the water down by the couch to free my hands. I don't care if Bear sees me take them out – he already knows my secrets. When I touch a finger to my eye to remove the lens, though, Bear grimaces a bit and looks away, back at the broadcast, which makes me smirk a little. I wouldn't have expected him to be squeamish about something so minor, but I guess it is unusual. Perched on the edge of the couch, I take both lenses out, dropping them into the water.
"Okay, no lenses," I say, my voice shaky for no reason. Bear looks at me. His intense gaze makes me want to look away, but I can't. My heart flutters in my chest. The little flecks of gold scattered across the brown of his eyes capture me, and I feel as if there are a million questions and answers I can't begin to understand in those eyes. I try to quell the burst of desire those eyes waken in me. When I can't take his scrutiny another second, I blink and look away - without turning my head away, I look toward the broadcast. I take a deep breath, willing my heart to slow down. He's just curious about the lenses, I chastise myself. I look back to meet his gaze ... and immediately think, he's not looking at the lenses.
He's looking at me. The idea freezes me in place, unable to move or think clearly.
His eyes flicker over my face briefly before searching my eyes again. The sound of the broadcast fades into nothing as my heart pounds heavily in my chest. Then he's raising a hand to my cheek, cupping my face. I relish the feel of his hand, and press my cheek against it. As if waiting for this cue, Bear leans toward me, holding my gaze. My eyes lose focus in his and blink shut. Then his lips are pressing lightly into mine, and instinctively I respond, matching the movement of his soft mouth on mine. Bear slides his hand up my cheek, brushing a strand of hair behind my ear and pushing his hand into my hair, holding me to him. It's not my first kiss. I've kissed boys before, but right now I think none of those kisses really counted. This is different, somehow.
When he pulls away, too soon, my lips follow his for a moment before letting them slip away. When I open my eyes, he's smiling and my lips twitch into a smile of their own. My thoughts are swimming, or perhaps drowning because I can't make sense of anything, except that this is what I've been wanting so desperately.
"Like the sky," he murmurs, eyes on mine, before he lowers his lips to me again. His lips graze lightly against my mouth. As he gently nudges my lips apart, I taste salt on his lips and smile into the deepening kiss. His free hand lingers on mine before tracing along my arm, raising goosebumps in its wake, and wrapping around me. I melt into him, heedless of the continuing propo. Together we lean back into the couch as our tongues intertwine in eager exploration. I soak up the feeling of his warm lips, his teasing tongue, his tender touch for which I've been longing.
We miss the rest of the wedding broadcast, becoming wrapped up in each other instead.
A/N: So .. What do you think? Please review & let me know. =)
I have now edited ch 20 to include the reference to the colored contact lenses - apologies to anyone who read it before the edit & had forgotten about them (they are also mentioned in chapter 1). Also I'm taking the liberty of assuming that the Capitol has made some advances in contact lens technology for their crazy cosmetic purposes. I'm sure that's what everyone is concerned with right now. ;-)