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October 23rd, 1996

Dear Journal,

The past couple of days have been TORTURE.

TORTUREEEE!

'Sort of'

I am seriously thinking about faking a Muggle disease to just stay curled up in my bed for the rest of the year.

Seriously.

Unfortunately.

I'm a good girl.

Anyways.

I shall share my misgivings with you. As you are a great secret keeper.

Well.

First off, Malfoy has been trying to get my attention every corner I turn. He's always trying to catch my eye, and he's becoming less discreet as time goes on. Hermione asked me about it the other day.

"Just tell me what happened, Ginny." She'd asked when we were in our dorm getting ready for bed; I'd huffed at her, as this was at least the millionth time she'd asked me.

"The answer hasn't changed, Hermione. I just don't like him, the way you don't like him, the way Harry and Ron don't like him, the way every frigging Gryffindor doesn't like him, why does it matter if I don't like him?!" I'd hissed at her moodily.

"Well something happened, Ginny. I'll find out in the end, don't take it out on me because your feelings are mixed up." She'd replied calmly.

That shut me up. It hurt because she was right. I knew she knew something had happened. The way Harry knows something had happened. The only people who haven't realised are my brothers.

Thank Merlin. I don't mind that at all.

Malfoy is going to become less discreet though and that's troubling. It's unbelievable really. But I suppose I'm being unbelievable. After that magical kiss, I choose to ignore him instead of talk to him about it.

Childish. I know.

But I just don't feel like talking to him. (And I'm secretly hoping that if I don't see or talk to him my crush on him will disappear.) It hasn't worked so far. He got me yesterday though...

I was coming from Transfiguration and I had left my quill behind so I traipsed back by myself and he caught me.

"Hey, Ginny I really think we should talk, you know?" He said, timidly. I stopped in the corridor and turned around to him.

"Talk about what, Malfoy? Your crush on me? Or the fact you kissed me on the astronomy tower?" I spat back.

I was being a total bitch. I know ok. I know.

"What?! You were the one that kissed me, Ginny, and you and I both know it. I thought I was the bad one, but at least I accept my feelings. Come talk to me when you've grown up!" He shouted. He stormed off down the opposite direction and didn't look back once. I hoped he would. I wish I knew why.

So if me being a bitch isn't enough torture for you to accept. Try adding onto the fact that Harry keeps being really 'Unharry' around me. He's being all awkward when we're around people, but when we're alone, he's really…

Well…

Sweet. And caring. Exactly what I wanted from him when I loved him.

Oh and on top of that, Ron's catching on that something's going on. Baring in mind he's my brother aaannnddd he tells my other brothers. It's literally been hell.

They keep asking what's wrong now, and I have nothing to tell them. And that pisses them off.

"For Merlin's sake Ginny, we're trying to help!" Ron would shout. It hurts but not as much as what Fred and George do. They ask and I tell them nothing and then, they just look at me disappointedly and walk away. I hate it.

Oh, and I almost forgot. My punishment for sneaking out? That's hell too.

'Kind of'

On Wednesday after lessons, I went to meet Snape at the Grand Hall. He was already there. Obviously.

"Now, Miss Weasley, I expect Professor Dumbledore has already told you about the…secrecy, of this… punishment." The Professor hissed.

"Ye-"

"And I expect you to listen and do as I say, even if it seems …odd." He kept saying.

Urg.

"Yes Profe-"

"And I do not expect you to disrupt the Slytherin common room."

If I haven't told you already. I hate Snape.

"Yes." I replied, expecting him to interrupt me again.

"Yes… What?"

Is he frigging serious?

"Yes, Professor." I sighed.

"Good. Follow me, Miss Weasley."

I followed. We wandered the corridors for some time. We passed the Potions classrooms and reached the kitchens. We passed those too. Heading further down the school.

'Seems about right, the Slytherin common room would be down near the dungeons.'

We reached the end of the corridor, where there was one door. Snape pushed and muttered something under his breath. The door opened.

We entered.

It was better than I'd thought it would be actually. There were no cobwebs and dead things hanging from the ceilings. It wasn't even dark. I walked in and the living room was actually quite cosy, the walls were different shades of green, with photographs of previous Slytherin Witch's and Wizards that were important. I half expected Voldemort to be hung up, but then I remembered Dumbledore is head of this school. Not Snape. The curtains were black and silvery. The fire was burning away and Slytherin's milled around. They looked up as we came in, saw Snape and smiled, then saw me behind him. They scowled like they'd smelled sour milk.

"Could you gather all Slytherin students here please?" Snape called to a few of them. They did as they were told. Not before they scowled some more. I swear I'd lose my mind if I was here long enough. I know what it's like to not belong. But this was a whole new level.

A few minutes later, the whole living space was filled with Slytherin's.

It was awful.

"What's she doing here?!" Pansy yelled as soon as it had gotten quiet enough for her to be heard.

"Now, now, Pansy, I shall explain." Snape answered coolly. I held my breath. I saw Malfoy near the back, leaning against the wall. He caught my eyes and held them.

I looked away first.

"As some of you know, personal things have been going missing from students in our house. Professor Dumbledore has asked if Ginny Weasley can accompany me to search your things, I suppose that the reason behind this is that… Many of you would not like someone to go through your things, so we hope whoever… if anyone in here knows anything, could… speak up." Snape explained. Sneering at the word someone. Talk about being subtle.

At least all the Slytherin's looked shell shocked. Ha.

"Well, someone own up! I'm not getting my things searched through by her!" Pansy commanded. Looking at anyone she could lay her eyes on. Some Slytherin's actually cowered beneath her. Urg. She shouldn't have that control.

Nobody said anything.

"Own up!" Pansy screamed. Snape was just about to say something when someone interrupted.

"What happens if no one here actually took anything?" Malfoy asked silkily. Pansy stopped shrieking, looking at Snape expectantly.

"I am afraid, we shall still have to search everything, to make sure that what you're saying is… true, and then we shall take that information to Professor Dumbledore and see what he… makes of it." Snape answered smoothly. Pansy stormed off up to her dorm.

No one owned up.

"Well then, Miss Weasley and myself will start here, in the living quarters… tonight." Snape exclaimed when he realised no one was going to say anything at all. Most of the Slytherin's groaned and went back to what they were doing, some of them stayed in the living room. Malfoy was one of them. He sat himself down on the couch and began reading.

He looked so majestic and smart, I couldn't help but stare. I could have imagined it, but I'm sure I saw a smile tug at this cheeks. I looked away.

"Start in the cupboards over there… Miss Weasley." Snape ordered. I nodded, and crossed the room. I opened the doors and gasped. I hadn't found any personal items. But the things in here were… well… They were beautiful. There were goblets, glasses, jewellery, all with the Slytherin logo on them. They were dark green and silver or black. They were quite interesting to look at. I picked up one of the goblets and inspected it.

I went through a lot of cupboards and draws, all finding goblets and jewellery, I picked up a fairly interesting goblet. Spinning it round in my hands. So engrossed in the goblet I didn't hear the footsteps behind me.

"They're the prized possessions of Slytherin." Malfoy whispered in my ear, making me jump and almost dropping the goblet. He chuckled lightly.

"Don't do that." I whisper-shouted back. He chuckled again. He was right behind me.

"They were found in Salazar Slytherin's bed space after he left, no one knew why he left them, but they were all engraved with this logo that no one had ever seen before, and thought too valuable to throw away. Then after Slytherin house was created, it was appropriate to give them to the house." Malfoy explained. He leant against the cabinet staring at me.

"Oh, how did he come up with the logo?" I asked, trying to keep my cheeks from burning.

"That's the mystery. Nobody knows." Malfoy whispered, in a mock deadly serious voice. I giggled. And his eyes softened.

"Does anyone know where he got the objects in the first place?" I whispered quietly, touching the silver necklaces.

"No, but rumour has it, he went on travels to find inspiration, for something, he had no idea what. He just, went with it." Malfoy whispered back, with real intensity. I looked at him, a little puzzled. He must have seen my confusion.

"He just went with his gut feeling, his instincts." He muttered, stepping closer, never moving his eyes away from mine. I exhaled slowly. I dropped the necklace I had been holding and stepped closer too. I don't know what I was doing, whenever he's there, it's like he has control over my body and my mind. We were inches apart. I was staring up into his blue/grey eyes. They were beautiful. I could feel his heat. He caught a strand of my hair and tucked it behind my ear deliberately. We began slowly moving closer.

"Miss Weasley?"

We jumped back like two kids being caught stealing sweets or something.

Snape was still at the other side of the room with his back turned. I took deep breaths and straightened my hair with my hands. Malfoy was breathing heavily too. We looked at each other again, and I couldn't help it. I giggled. A smile spread across his face and I almost doubled over with trying to stifle my laugh.

"Miss Weasley?!" Snape had turned around and stared at me, then at Malfoy, then at me again. He seemed to shake his head a little, pushing away a thought.

"Find anything?" He asked.

I put on a straight face.

"No Professor, no personals." I answered, I heard Malfoy breath a laugh and had to bite my tongue from giggling again.

"Alright, well we better go, so you can catch up on the things you've missed… by being here." Snape explained. I gasped, we'd been here for just over an hour. For some reason it didn't feel that long.

"Alright, Professor." I answered, trying to hide the sulkiness from my voice. I succeeded. I turned to close the cupboard doors when Malfoy discreetly whispered.

"Went with his feelings."

I felt like a tomato, my cheeks burned hot and I pushed my hair away from my face. I looked at him. He looked at me. Not smiling. But not scowling. Just seeing.

Then I turned away and left the Slytherin common room.

I was back in my dorm and I couldn't sleep, I was tossing and turning, tortured by decisions I'd have to make. I got up and left my dorm.

I went down to the common room for a bit of space, Harry was sitting on the sofa, watching the fire. He heard me and turned. Gave me a small smile. Then turned back to the fire. I was about to leave him to his thoughts when he caught me off guard.

"I still hope his face will shine through the fire and talk to me, you know." He said it so quietly, I almost didn't hear him.

"Oh Harry." I whispered back. I walked over to the sofa and sat beside him. He reached for my hand and held fast.

"I just think that everyone I love will die because of me sooner or later." He said sullenly.

"Don't you dare say that, Harry Potter. They did not die in vain. And don't you ever think it's your fault. It's His. And you know it is." I had advised.

Ha. Me trying to play shrink. Ironic when you look at my situation where I won't even know what to do about Malfoy. Harry seemed to read my mind. He brought his face close to mine. We were only inches apart when he whispered.

"Why have you stopped talking to Malfoy? I see him try to get your attention you know." He asked slowly.

I didn't take my eyes off of his.

"Maybe I wanted time away from him. It's hard you know. Him being who he is. I don't want that.-" Lie. "I don't like him.-" Lie. "I don't think I ever did.-" Another lie. "I don't want him." There was no truth in that whatsoever.

I cannot believe what happened next!

Harry closed the distance between us. He tilted his head forward so our lips met in the middle.

'Malfoy'

I closed my eyes and let myself be taken by him.

'Malfoy'

My arms closed around his neck and he pulled me into him.

'Malfoy'

His hands were around my back.

'Malfoy'

He pulled me onto his lap.

'Malfoy! Malfoy! Malfoy!'

Harry's hands began sliding down my back, lower and lower. I jerked back.

"I'm sorry Gin, I don't know what I was thinking! That was wrong." He apologised quickly, placing his hands on my hips and squeezing regretfully. I shook my head at him.

"No, no it's not that, I just… It's so complicated." I said gently, standing up.

"Oh, I see, well, I'm always here Gin. Always." He said timidly, standing up to leave. I pulled him back and kissed his cheek.

"I know, and I love you for it." I told him. He smiled gently, but I could tell it was forced.

We began to make our way to our dorms. I stood at the door about to enter when he grabbed my waist and turned me around into him. He kissed me again on the lips and slipped past me into his own dorm. I stood there gobsmacked by what had just happened.

What the actual hell?

I can't handle this, I really can't.

I might be in love with Draco Malfoy.

I might be in love with Harry Potter.

Oh my Merlin! What am I going to do? Seriously?

This is when I want you to talk back and give me advice. I need help! Please, please.

Why does Harry have to do this now? When I don't like him anymore. Why couldn't he do it when I was head over heels for him? Oh for ***************************************************

I can't do this.

I need help.

A lot of it.

Love (urg) Ginny xx