November 6th, 1996
Dear Journal,
I'm so upset. So much has happened. Big secrets I have to keep. My mind isn't prepared for what it's going through. Not at all.
I haven't been in lessons for almost a week, and not one of my friends are allowed to know why. I'll tell you in a bit. But it's been horrible. I keep drifting in and out of consciousness and I have to take this really disgusting stuff that Madame Pomfrey keeps forcing down me.
I get a few visits from Dumbledore but it's always when I've just woken up, or dozing off, so I don't recall anything he says. Harry, Ron and Hermione have been trying to visit but get refused by the teachers. They're really worried, the Professors are telling them I had an emotional breakdown and need to be stabilised before I see anyone again.
It's heart breaking.
Although one night I did have an unexpected visitor. I was lying awake in bed, trying not to cry at my loneliness when I heard a whisper.
"Hey." It was so soft I barely heard it. I opened my eyes and saw Malfoy leaning above me. I was startled for a moment and then overly glad to see him. I reached up to stroke his cheek, then faltered and pulled back my hand. Malfoy held it.
"Hey." I replied. I sighed. He sat on the side of my bed.
"How are you feeling, Ginny?" He asked seriously. I shook my head.
"You'll be Ok Ginny. They're helping you recover." He reassured me. I nodded unconvincingly. Then I heard something I didn't expect.
"I hate Pansy." It was almost inaudible. I opened my eyes and his were boring into mine. I began to ask how he knew when he interrupted me.
"I was the one that found you. I heard you scream. I knew it was you. I cannot believe she did that. I'll have words with her Ginny. She's evil." He sneered.
"No." It made him jump a little at the volume of my voice.
"I mean, if you did anything you'd get expelled. No, you're not getting expelled for me." I stated, looking him directly in the eyes.
"But-"
"I also don't want to lose you." I whispered, cutting him off.
His eyes softened and he squeezed my hand. He began to lean down, slowly. He pulled his hand up to my face and stroked it. I smiled at him. It was the first time I'd smiled in about a week. He smiled back, his eyes becoming darker and more intimate. Then there was a creaking sound. He jumped up and hid somewhere at the back of the hospital wing. I closed my eyes.
A few minutes later Malfoy was back and holding my hand.
"You need to go." I whispered. He sighed a little. Then I remembered something.
"Hey. How did you get in here?" I asked quizzically. He gave me a sly, wicked smile.
"Potter's not the only one who can sneak around." He winked at me and I giggled.
He bent down and before I could protest, he pecked me on the lips. It didn't linger like I wanted it too and he pulled away much faster than I'd liked him to.
"See you soon, Gin." He whispered with a smirk plastered across his face. I giggled again.
"Get out of here, Malfoy." I whispered back. He turned and winked at me again. I closed my eyes to savour the wink and when I opened them he had gone. I had a better night that night than any others I'd had the past few days.
I was let out yesterday, and everyone's been asking me questions, Harry's been all sullen and worried, which breaks my heart. My brothers have even been worried and Fred looks like he hasn't slept properly in weeks. Hermione just leaves me alone, she knows I don't want the attention but it's getting too much. I have to tell someone.
I need to talk to someone. I have to or I'll explode. They told me not to, but… I have too. I'm going to talk to Hermione. I have to. I'm going before I bail out. I'll talk after.
…
Right.
So I suppose I do feel a bit better now. I didn't exactly tell her anything, I let her read you. Just the last entry. I just sat and watched her read. I watched her expressions. They varied from relieved to shocked to surprised to downright shocked again. I just sat quietly. Watching.
Once she'd finished she just looked at me. She looked sorry but relieved I'd shown her. She came over to my bed, where I was sitting and sat down next to me. She squeezed my hand and held it. That's when I did it.
I finally let it out.
I cried my heart out in front of her and she sat there with me, not saying anything because she knew I had to get it all out. She was my rock there. She let me cry my cry. She hugged me and I sobbed into her shoulder. Big, loud, snotty sobs. She didn't care though. She knew.
When I'd calmed down enough to go grab some tissue and try to breathe through my congested nose, Hermione finally talked.
"Why didn't you tell me sooner?" She asked gently. She handed you back to me and sat cross legged on the bed. I sniffed.
"I thought… I don't know what I thought, but I was scared of your reaction." I whispered, fresh tears spilling down my face. Hermione pulled my chin up so I had to look her in the eyes.
"No matter what choices you make, if it's bad, I'll definitely let you know-" I giggled softly. "But I would still be your best friend, best friends get over it. And that's what I would do. But you haven't actually made any bad choices, Ginny." She consoled as I tried to get my breathing under control.
I looked at her baffled. How had I not made a bad choice? Two lads thought I loved them. And I might. I'm such a slut.
"Both boys want you. That's them. Not you. You're just confused." Hermione explained in her nerdy, swat voice as though reciting from a book.
"That's not all though…" I whispered quietly. She sighed.
"Tell me Ginny." Hermione whispered back. I nodded.
"It was when I was kept from lessons this week and in the hospital wing and I wanted to avoid just about everyone anyway-"
"Oh yeah, I was wondering when you'd spill." Hermione interjected, creasing her eyebrows at me.
"You'll understand in a second, just listen." I stated. She mimed zipping her lips and throwing away the key.
"So I was rushing about and keeping my head down, then I saw you, Harry and Ron and I didn't know what to do, so I just bolted and ended up in the girls' bathroom. I'm sorry, but I didn't want to talk to anyone, and know you wouldn't pester me, but… Ron? No way was I going to interrogated again.-"
Hermione nodded understandingly.
"But I didn't realise until I was there that it was Myrtle's. And you know what she's like. I tried to slip out, but obviously she spotted me. She was all like 'Little Ginny back for the memories' and 'Didn't get enough of it when you were here last huh?' She rally hates me and it's because I survived when she didn't. She's got it in for me and I kept telling her to shush, so obviously she screeched. I screamed at her to shut up when I heard footsteps behind me. I turned around.
Typical.
Pansy Parkinson was there with her little pals-"
Hermione gasped. I nodded.
"I stepped back as Myrtle just sat on the window ledge snickering. I went to storm out but Pansy grabbed my robes and pulled me back.
"What the hell are you doing, let me go!" I'd shouted in her face.
She's not very used to me fighting back with so much force. She slapped me hard across the face. I stood there. Very still.
"You don't speak to me like that, Weasel." Then she turned around and sniggered with her friends and said "Oh look, the whore talks." And I just stood there dumbfounded.
"What did you say?" I'd asked hotly. She narrowed her eyes at me.
"You heard me, whore. I see how you are with my Draco and to add on to that, the famous Harry Potter as well." She sneered menacingly.
"Malfoy's not your property Pansy. And what about Harry? He's my friend." I'd replied coolly.
Pansy and her pals laughed loudly.
"Oh you're sweet to try and lie to us. The thing is dear, Draco is mine, and I shall have him, and Potter? Everyone knows about you two and your little love fest." She mocked. I tried to stifle my blush.
Was it true they knew about mine and Harry's kiss?
No… How can they?
"W-what?" I'd stammered, feeling a little dizzy.
"We all know why you've gotten quiet and afraid of the attention, you don't want anyone knowing." She chided. I stood there with my mouth open. Wide.
"Shut your mouth, Weasel. We all know you sucked Potter off." She finished with a chuckle.
I visibly gasped. My breathing became quicker and I felt the sudden urge to vomit.
"What the hell are you … Pansy, what the hell!?" I stuttered quietly.
"We all know! You dirty whore bag!" She screamed in my face, coming right into my personal space. She grabbed a handful of my hair and pulled it towards a toilet cubicle. I screeched and tried to writhe out of her grip. But then her friends grabbed me too. I couldn't move.
"This is for my beloved Draco, don't try anything with him! Or I'll kill you!" She seethed. I gulped. She lifted the toilet lid and rammed my head into the bottom of the toilet. I was submerged in water and it filled my ears and nose. I clamped my mouth and eyes shut. Holding my breath, I still tried to writhe. Even plunged in water I could hear their laughter. I was losing my breath when she lifted my head. I blinked back the water dropping into my eyes from my sodden hair.
"And this ones' for me. From me to you." She said, forcing the politeness into her voice. She plunged me under water once more and I hit my head off the bottom. Pain entered my temple and then the water was whirl pooling around my head. Tugging at my hair and threatening to enter my mouth and eyes. I squeezed them tighter and tighter.
I was being swirlied.
Brilliant.
I began to get angry. Why the hell should I go through that. I have done nothing wrong. Nothing at all.
I yanked backwards with all my force and knocked my attackers over. Water was dripping from my face and it just surged my anger even more.
I grabbed for my wand.
The 'pals' had conveniently scattered, leaving only me and Pansy in the isle between the cubicles. I could almost see the steam coming out of my nose. I'd been angry before, but they were tantrums. It was as though Pansy had let loose and animal inside of me and it wouldn't stay down anymore. The genie was out the lamp and wouldn't go back in.
I screamed at Pansy. My wand poised at her chest I yelled "Stupefy" with all the vigour I had. She went flying back into the wall and crumpled to the floor. She sat there breathing heavily. I could see her chest rising and falling rapidly.
"GET UP YOU COWARD!" I shrieked at her. She looked up at me. And oh my Merlin.
I saw fear in her eyes.
Fear.
This is Pansy Parkinson.
I used this to my advantage. Call it bitchy but I thought I'd deserved it.
"C'mon Pansy, not going to bail on me now, how would you're friends react if you told them you were beaten by a Weasley?" I asked mockingly.
She flinched, although she seemed to try to stop herself. Her lip was bleeding and she rubbed at it furiously. She slowly stood up with care. She could barely stand. I allowed myself a satisfied smile.
"You'll be sorry, Weasel." She boiled. I smiled some more.
"Oh will I?" I asked rhetorically. Pansy sneered and slowly drew her wand from her robes. She held it in front of her, jostling it in her hand to make it comfortable. She seethed silently, baring her teeth at me. She pulled back her wand to shout. I got there before her.
"Stupefy!" I shouted, I was only going to use the one spell, I don't want to overly hurt her.
Just a little.
A lot of times.
She deflected my spell and I was pretty stunned at the skill. She screamed a spell. I stood there waiting for it, absolutely shocked silent by the incantation she just screamed. Then it hit me.
I collapsed to the floor, writhing uncontrollably with an excruciating amount of pain clambering through my body. I tried to scream but the pain clogged my throat. Tears streamed down my face and blood trickled out from my nose. My whole body was still fitting and I swear I could hear screaming but my mouth was only partly open. It couldn't have been me. Could it?-"
"She didn't?" Hermione whispered. Looking pale. She grabbed my hand. "That's what that was all about? Ginny, I thought you were pregnant or something. The way they kept it secret."
I nodded slowly and looked at her.
"Fire seared through my veins and I literally felt like I was being boiled alive. Then I became awfully cold, like freezing old, I couldn't feel my fingers or toes, but the numbing was still painful, itchy and irritating. I definitely heard screaming this time and I was sure it wasn't me either. The pain damped a bit, to bearable. I opened my eyes and saw blurry figures scattered around the edges of my peripheral vision. I blinked to try and make them clearer, but it just hurt. I kept them open as long as I could. I'm sure I saw teachers, and I'm sure I heard a man's voice, but I couldn't be sure. I was picked up, I know this because I vomited from the movement. All over myself. I didn't even care, I was in so much pain, they didn't put me down. They carried on as though they get vomited on often. I was dangling limply from their arms. Prickly and irritant. Still in pain and still twitching. I was put down and I finally closed my eyes. But I heard someone speak just before I became unconscious.
"Thank you for finding and saving her, young man, you shall be rewarded."
And then I was out."
…
Hermione sat there silently. Her eyes unmoving from the now seemingly very interesting piece of string hanging from her robe sleeve.
"Say something?" I asked quietly, tears streaking down my face.
Hermione turned to look at me. Then she stood up and left the dorm.
I sat there and cried.
Again.
I knew she would do that. She's going to tell Harry and my brothers and they're going to get expelled because they're going to go after Pansy. Who by the way, only got after school detentions for the next 8 weeks for her spell.
Unbelievable.
I know.
But Snape pulled some strings and that was Pansy's punishment for crucio'ing me.
Crucio.
That was the spell she screamed at me.
I heard the door to the dorm open and close and a weight sit on my bed. My head was in my pillow so I couldn't see them. I sat there for a long time without moving not wanting to see whoever it was, but they stayed quiet. So in the end I gave in. I turned to look.
Hermione was sat at the bottom of my bed with a bottle to her lips staring at me.
Not just any bottle.
Firewhisky.
This is Hermione frigging Granger.
Drinking.
I couldn't help it. I smiled at the sight.
"What?" Hermione asked a little groggily.
"Just you and your amazing best friendness." I replied with a wink. She laughed, but even I could tell it was forced.
"Pass it over then." I said, reaching for the bottle. She handed it to me and I took a small gulp. I can see why they call it Firewhisky. It burned down my throat like fresh lava, but after that it tasted of caramel and strawberries and I needed more. Hermione took it off me after my 3rd or 4th gulp.
"You do realise how serious this is." Hermione stated. She knew I knew the answer.
"Why the flipping hell haven't the school done anything?!" She said, raising her voice.
"Shh, Hermione, I don't want people knowing, you're the only other person who knows. Please don't tell anyone, not Ron, or Fred or George. Please, they'll get themselves expelled. I need them here, Hermione. Please?" I pleaded. She rolled her eyes at me dramatically.
"You always were the little tyke. Get anyone to do anything for you." Hermione said as she took another swig from the bottle. I grinned. She wasn't sober any more.
"On one condition." She piped up out of the blue. I studied her, fearful of what it was.
"If I see Pansy do anything to you in front of me, you allow me to formally approach her and politely rip out her intestines and hang her by them on the astronomy tower." Hermione said in her most polite voice. I stifled a snort. And spat everywhere. Hermione began laughing too.
And there we were.
Two, not very sober, teenage witch's laughing over said intestines and astronomy tower.
Like everything was alright.
Then Hermione went all serious again.
"I mean it, Gin, she does anything, I don't care about the rules, I do whatever I think she deserves." Hermione said with a twist of her face and a grunt.
I sighed. Wow. Hermione was mad.
"Ok." I agreed. Hermione shuffled up next to me and we sat there for a long time, joking, telling secrets, swigging Firewhisky. Being girls.
Thank Merlin I have Hermione.
Love Ginny xx