A/N: Thanks for reading & especially thanks to the guest reviewers.
The day I've been dreading comes too soon.
They're running the deployments here by sector, and today is sector one. Spinner, Rose, and Johnny will all leave on today's train, heading for the Capitol and what we all hope is the final battle of the rebellion.
Yesterday, they were given the day as a break from training to pack and visit their families before getting ready to leave. I wish I could have been with them all day but of course I couldn't stick Naiya with all the work when Rose is leaving her too. So we both went in to the store, got as much as needed done, and were able to close up early. The store will be closed today - half the sector knows someone leaving for the war, anyway.
Naiya insisted we all come over for dinner last night. I met Bear and Johnny at the apartment after work and we walked over together. It was fun to have everyone together once more before they left. Naiya had fixed a delicious meal and she talked all our ears off, trying to keep everyone's thoughts off the deployments. Later that night, after dinner, Bear gave each of our three friends a small envelope to take with them when they left.
He'd already shown me what was inside. He drew these incredible sketches to give our friends. I knew he sketched but I only ever saw more technical drawings, nothing like this. I was amazed to see what he's done. He's created pencil sketches of our group - or, caricatures of us; the drawing is stylized and they're not quite in proportion. Even so, it's pretty obvious who's who. Each one is a little different, but we're all there. Spinner and Rose, armed for battle. Johnny as a medic. I'm carrying my crossbow. The funny thing is that he hasn't put himself in them. He's drawn a literal bear instead. It's like his own private joke.
Spinner and Rose's sketches show the two of them together in the center. I'm with the bear to one side, Johnny on the other side. In Spinner's, it's a peaceful scene and the two of them look look sweet and happy together, but in Rose's, we're all armed and ready for battle. Even the bear is snarling. The picture for Johnny shows him as a medic, tending to an injured bear, which seems like a funny choice. In the background looking armed and dangerous, are the rest of us - even Marai. And with one hand on the kneeling medic's shoulder, is a figure who can only be Carlo. Bear told me he wasn't sure about including Carlo, but decided he needed to. I was surprised when I saw it, but I know it'll mean the world to Johnny.
It's nice that Bear gave them something to remember us by. He said the drawings will remind them of what they're coming home to. I wished I had something I could give them.
Before we leave for the train station, I pull Johnny aside. I talked to Bear a couple nights ago and he agreed it would be safe to tell Johnny who I really am. I feel like I owe it to him. If it weren't for him, I wouldn't be here. I know Rose and Spinner would keep the secret too, but I don't like the idea of Rose having to lie to her mom, and I can't let the whole world know. So Johnny it is.
I'm not sure how to start. In my moment of hesitation, Johnny beats me to it. "I want you to have this," he tells me, pulling a chain from around his neck. Hanging from the chain is a piece of metal shaped into an abstract fish form.
"Johnny, no. C'mon." I say, but he pushes it into my hand.
"No. You have to keep it safe for me. While I'm gone," he insists. His face is serious.
I agree, "Okay, I will. I'll hang on to it until you come home. But I need to tell you something."
"No! You can't!" he says.
Exasperated, I try again. "Just listen for a minute, okay? I want you to know - "
He cuts me off again. "Maddie, don't tell me. I don't want to know anything that could hurt you."
I laugh weakly, thinking back to the day I met him, how he said we were both spies. "You're quite the spy you know.' I tease him. More seriously, I entreat him, "I want you to know the truth."
"No! I don't want to hear it," he argues. "If the Capitol captures me, I can't tell them anything I don't know. You can't tell me any secrets now. I'm not gonna listen."
I sigh. I really doubt that the Capitol would be that interested in getting secrets from a district four medic. But it's still sweet of him. "Okay fine. When you get home, then, okay? When we've won the war. For now, can I at least say Thank You? Thank you for everything, Johnny. You gave me your home. We're family now." I can feel the tears starting to gather in my eyes and I pull him into a hug, drawing a few shaky breaths.
When I let go of him, I swallow back what's left of my tears and tell him, "Take care of yourself Johnny. I'm gonna miss you."
As he goes to get his things, I look down at the chain folded in my palm. I can' t help but be sad that he is going. He's so young. It's not right that he goes off to war while we stay here. I'm going to worry about him every minute he's gone. All of them, really. I trace the metal pendant in my hand, wishing all the more I had something to give in return. With a sigh I loop the chain over my neck, tucking the fish symbol under my shirt, and rejoin my friends.
We're about to head out the door when I get the idea and run back to dig through my things. Sure enough, buried in the bottom of my drawer, I find my father's handkerchief, the one he gave me the last time I saw him. It's a plain white linen square with a red border. Daddy gave it to me when I left my family. I came here and thanks to Johnny I found a new home. I'm going to give it to him now.
The chilly, dreary day matches our somber mood as we walk together to the train station, bundled up against the cold. We wait together at the train station, talking about nothing in particular, until it's time for them to go. I try to be strong for them.
I hug Rose first. "I'm gonna miss you," I tell her, fighting the tears.
"We'll miss you too. Remember, if you need anything, just ask mom," she says.
"The Capitol's not going to know what hit them." I say, attempting a smile.
Next is Spinner. "Take care of yourself," I tell him, and kiss his cheek. I can't stop the tears any more and just let them roll down my face.
Spinner hugs me tightly and mutters conspiratorially, "Keep Bear out of trouble, okay? We'll be back before you know it." I nod, unable to answer him. By the time I get to Johnny, I'm a mess of tears myself. I hug him goodbye - giving him the handkerchief, telling him to stay safe.
It's hard to watch them get on that train. I couldn't even say who I'll miss more - they've all come to mean so much to me. Bear wraps his arms around me as we watch the rest of the soldiers board the train. We can't see our friends anymore, but we stay anyway, waiting and watching, until the train leaves the station. I'm completely deflated, watching the train pull away from us.
Back in the apartment, everything feels quiet and empty. We're both subdued, and we both know exactly how the other is feeling. Bear joins me on the couch, his brown eyes reflecting concern. I curl up next to him, leaning my head on his shoulder. His fingers trace my arm, eventually working their way up across my shoulder and to my neck. He pauses when they land on Johnny's chain, twisting it lightly in his hand."Johnny's?" he asks.
I tilt my head in a yes, and his fingers trace along the chain for a moment. The combination of the cold metal and his warm touch makes me shiver. I tell him, "He wouldn't let me tell him, you know. He thought it would put me in danger. He was so insistent."
"He doesn't want to let you down. You're like family to him," he says. He's like family to me, too. I think.
I answer, "All I want is for him - for all of them - to come home. The sooner the better."
"We'll get through this," he tells me. "The rebels are strong. They know what they're doing."
"I hope so," I say.
"Spinner's still got his communicuff. So we should be able to stay in touch," he says, trying to reassure me.
"Did they like the drawings?" I ask him.
"Think so," he says. "There's one for you, too, you know."
I look up at him. "Really?"
He smiles and with a shrug answers, "Figured I might as well."
When I unfold the small paper and see our group sketched out in front of me, it brings fresh tears to my eyes. It would no matter what, I'm sure, seeing his depictions of our friends again. But mine is different, too. For one thing, he included Mick in it, carrying fishing gear. What really surprises me is that he drew himself in it, instead of the bear he drew in the others. "I love it," I whisper, as the tears spill out of my eyes. I burrow into his chest, sobbing lightly. He runs his fingers through my hair until I lift my head, then kisses my forehead and holds me in his arms. He's right that we'll get through this. Somehow together we will find our way.