A/N: Thanks for reading and your patience. :) Sorry these updates are taking so long, but hope you enjoy this one. Thanks especially to Belle453 for reviewing a draft and helping me figure out this chapter!
When I head to the kitchen for breakfast in the morning, Bear is asleep on the couch. Over breakfast I ask him about it again.
"Are you sure about this?" I ask.
I'm still hesitant, but he's made up his mind. "I've heard that kind of news," he insists. "I know how hard it is." I can tell he's nervous though. I'm nervous too, about what he might find out today. When I leave to meet Naiya, he heads out for the rebel headquarters.
That night I find out he didn't get any information about our friends, but he is registered to help with the notifications. He tells me, "I'll be working there in the afternoons, 1 to 6 pm. I cut back my hours with my regular team for now."
"They were okay with that?" I ask.
He shrugs, answering, "Only because it's notifications. But yeah, they're okay with it. Maybe they want me to switch to daytime anyway and think this'll help."
"Would you? Switch to daytime I mean."
He smirks. "Depends if I like it. Consider this a trial run."
"How's it going so far?" I ask teasingly - it's not like it's really a first. He gives a pensive look, as if assessing the day, before his eyes settle on me and send my heart racing. "Awful," he says, deadpan.
I elbow him. "Nuh-uh!"
He kisses me lightly, and acknowledges, "maybe it's not that bad."
I roll my eyes, but I can't help meeting his playful gaze with a smile. I pull him back to me, sliding my fingers into his hair as my lips brush his. Even as we've grown closer and more comfortable together, he's become all the more intoxicating in these moments when the world disappears and the only thing is us, together. We tease and tempt each other. I kiss along his jaw, eliciting a moan of approval. Soon we're stripping off our shirts. My hands explore his chest, wrap around his back, and comb through his hair. I'm careful not to push too far, but my own willpower is tested after he unclasps my bra. I'm practically panting from the delicious feel of his hands and hot mouth on my skin. When his lips work their way up to my neck, he hits a ticklish spot where I can't help but push him away, only to bring his mouth back up to mine. We spend the rest of the evening there on the couch - locked lips, caressing hands, teasing whispers. Part of me would love to drag him back to the bedroom. I remind myself I can't.
The hours disappear too quickly. Late into the night we lay entwined. My head on his chest, Bear twists the curls of my hair in his fingers. Yawning, I give in to my tiredness and am about to say how tired I am when it occurs to me that Bear's new schedule means our usual sleeping arrangement won't work anymore. The thought of sharing a bed comes to mind again, though in a new light. I wonder if he's thought about it, but the corner of my mouth twists up at the thought of sleeping besides him. I'm glad we set the boundaries we did before, but I think we're more comfortable with each other and our limits now. We know where we stand, and we can trust each other. We wouldn't do anything - but it would be nice to fall asleep curled up next to him. Dare I? I turn my head to look up at him.
"We should get to bed," I mumble.
"We?" he asks pointedly. I can't blame him if he's skeptical given our evening's activities.
Blushing, I answer pragmatically, "We're both half asleep anyway. The bed's more comfortable. Besides, you're warm. And if you're gonna do this, you'll need to be rested." He laughs lightly at my growing list and nods agreement.
I go to the bathroom and pull on a tanktop and sweatshirt and change into the sweatpants I've been wearing to bed. The cold night always seems to seeps into the apartment so I'm always bundling up to keep warm. I knock hesitantly on the bedroom door, and immediately Bear invites me in. He's perched on the edge of the bed, wearing a light t-shirt and long lightweight pants, looking down at the electronic tablet in his hands.
Without looking up, he asks, "Can you take the wall? I don't want to bother you if I wake up."
"Sure," I answer quickly, feeling nervous even though this was my idea.
He looks up and smiles tiredly as he sets the tablet aside. "I can sleep on the couch .." he starts to offer, but I cut him off.
"No, it's fine," I insist, climbing the short distance to the far side of the bed. There won't be any extra room really, with us sharing the bed. I slip under the blanket and turn back to face him. "Stay," I tell him, pulling at his t-shirt until he lays down next to me. I lean over to give him a kiss, my hair falling in his face. Brushing the curls back behind my ear with a smile, his lips press back into mine. I shift toward him to deepen the kiss, and Johnny's fish pendant falls dangling from my throat, swinging lightly into Bear's cheek.
Our kiss interrupted, Bear fingers the fish lightly for a moment, then smooths my hair again and whispers to me, " 'night Madge."
I lay back into bed next to him. " 'night," I murmur. Both our thoughts have turned back to the uncertain fates of our friends. Sighing, I curl into his side, my arm resting across his chest. He lays his hand on mine and absently caresses it. Long after Bear falls asleep, I lay awkwardly at his side. Much though I like laying here with him, I'm not totally comfortable and I want to move to a different position, but don't want to disturb him. Eventually I slowly ease myself onto my other side, turning away from Bear. When I do fall asleep, I sleep lightly and find myself awake again in the middle of the night, too warm with my sweatshirt and blanket with Bear's heat beside me. I guess I'm not used to sharing the bed, even if it is with him. Sleepily, I pull off the sweatshirt so I'm just in my tank top, and pull the blanket snugly around me. Bear lays next to me, still asleep, his face smushed awkwardly in the pillow.
When I wake in the morning, he's still passed out next to me. For a couple minutes I just watch him sleeping, giggling to myself when he snores. I even give him a few shakes and pokes but he doesn't react at all. I drag myself out of bed after nestling in next to him for a little while to soak in his warmth. I need to get moving. There's a train expected today. After I've cleaned up, I return to the bedroom to find Bear awake. His hair is unruly and I try to smooth it. As he wraps his arms around me, I think to myself I'm going to like him working daytimes, if it means more nights like this.
After a busy day with Naiya, I wait at home for Bear. There's nothing interesting in today's broadcasts. I suppose I should be more interested in the details. Apparently there's trouble in some of the districts, pockets of Capitol supporters unwilling to accept the surrender. From the sound of it, the worst of it is in district two, which doesn't surprise me. After all, it was where Peacekeepers were trained. The Capitol probably kept district two very happy, for a district.
Thinking of Bear and what news he might bring home today, I pull out the sketch he made when our friends left for the Capitol. I trace the images of my friends, a knot forming in my throat. I can't help but wonder what's happened to them. It's been on our minds every day. I stare out the window at a cloudy sky, wondering where they are, what they are doing now. I wonder if we'll ever be all together again, or if Bear somehow knew this would be all we'd have.
Bear doesn't come home. Hour after hour passes with no sign of him. I stare out into the night. I pace the living room. I worry over a hundred different scenarios. I tell myself not to be ridiculous. But i can't help asking myself, why isn't he back? I wrap myself in a warm blanket, nervously twisting my hands as I wait.
In the morning, there's still no sign of him. Tears well in my eyes and I check every room, becoming more frantic as I stare at the empty spaces, as if he could have snuck in when I had dozed off and not bothered to wake me, because how could he not be here? Eventually I curl up back on the couch in frustration and break down, crying out my fears and exhaustion. The whole apartment feels empty and claustrophobic at the same time.
The tears run out. I know I have to go. Naiya will worry if I don't show up. If only I had a communicuff and could send her a message.
When I reach the stairwell I head up instead of down. It's irrational, but I want to see the skyline, the horizon. A few people, a couple of whom I recognize but none of whom I know, pass me on the stairs. I'm panting when I reach the top, my body objecting to so many flights of stairs at such an early hour.
My eyes reach for the blue morning sky, but get stuck along the way on a familiar figure sitting on the far ledge.
"Bear?!" I call out, my words slicing through the still air. His head swivels around. Even at this distance I can read his pain, his brokenness. But why is he sitting on the ledge like that?
I start out at a run, but stop short by five meters, stayed by the height of the ledge and a sudden desire to not confront whatever brought him up here. I don't want to hear it, to know it. In this instant I want to stay in my bubble and ignore whatever is going on in the world. But that would mean ignoring Bear too.
"Madge," he croaks. He's on his feet closing the distance between us; then his arms are around me and my cheek is pressed against his chest but there's no happiness on this lonely roof. His skin is cold to the touch and I shiver involuntarily.
I'm relieved, I'm worried. What brought me up here, I wonder. I search my emotions to sort out how I even came up to the roof this morning. I haven't been up here in ages. But I'd lost him and though I didn't think I would find him here, but I felt drawn to look out over our city in hopes of finding him or at least gaining some idea of where he might be. It was as if I thought seeing the city stretched out before me would reassure me, show me that there's been no bombing to fear, no widespread collapse that had stolen Bear away. I didn't guess he might be here. How long did he sit there?
"What is it?" I ask him.
He shakes his head, futilely. "I can't -" he cries.
I bite my lip indecisively. I feel sick, knowing it will be nothing short of devastating. I unhook the communicuff from his arm and send a quick message to Naiya:
with bear. Can't come today. Maddie.
Hopefully that's enough, and Naiya will understand. After the message has been sent, Bear follows me blankly down to the apartment. I immediately put some tea on, to warm him up. Back in district 12 we had a whole assortment of teas and I would be able to pick out a calming tincture of herbs. Here and now, tea is tea and there's nothing to decide between. I stay in the kitchen as the water boils, silently steeling myself to whatever will confront me in the main room. When the tea is ready, I carry hot mugs out to the couch , spilling it and scalding myself along the way. Bear is folded into himself on the couch. I put the tea down, not knowing what to do. Waiting for the bad news is excruciating. But not as bad as hearing it.
"Spinner ... Sean ... is dead," he tells me, in a hoarse and broken voice.
My own throat constricts, freezing the breath in my lungs. Not Spinner. Anything but that. It can't be possible. He's so GOOD. I grab Bear's hands, squeezing hard and pulling his focus back to me.
"The others?" I whisper, not sure if I can handle the answer.
His eyes meet mine, sad and somber. "I don't know," he sighs. "Johnny was listed as injured. Rose - is missing. There's no information on half her squad."