Disclaimer: I do not own FFVII or any of it's spin-offs!

Warning: Adult situations and course language


His chest felt like it was about to burst open as he let out another shaky breath, his breathing laboured and strenuous to his already thin and frail body. Taking a few calming breaths, he tried to regain what control he had or risk increasing the feeling that his ribs would rip apart.

The process was slow, but with a few more breaths taken and a steady way of thinking, the heavy breathing had stopped and with it so had the tears. It took even longer for his blood shot eyes to lift their gaze from his own hands, covered in thin blue veins and pale white skin, to his reflection that would be staring at him from the mirror.

Green eyes that used to be filled with certain vibrancy slowly rose to lock on to a pair of dull eyes staring back at him from the mirror. He looked dead.

Reno carefully examined himself in the mirror with little or no emotion. His face was streaked with hot tears that had started and hadn't stopped for what seemed like hours. His hair was dishevelled, thin strands coming out of the already messy ponytail to hang over his shoulder like small trickles of blood while his pale chest set off against the hair in a shocking way.

Looking away from the mirror, Reno stood up strait and grabbed a roll of toilet paper, ripping off a chunk to blow his nose with before he went off into his bedroom, collapsing on the bed.

"Fucking pathetic…" Reno whispered softly in the empty room. The lights were off, but the small din from the streetlights outside cast Reno in a zigzag light from the blinds that had been drawn.

Week three…

Three weeks ago, Zack got the mission that would change everyone's lives. Three weeks ago, Reno lost the remaining sanity he had left to the world.

Since then, Reno had been living as a dead man, walking and imitating what one person would perceive as a life. He did what Sephiroth told him to do, and when he had free time he drank, smoked and fucked away what time he had. Ever since Zack had left, everything seemed a little less worth living for.

Rolling over on the bed, Reno eyed the phone on his bedside table with disdain, knowing he would be getting a call soon enough from someone wanting some shit done. Everyone in the family had seen his downward spiral, but saw no way of stopping it. It's not like they cared much anyways. Maybe with Reno's current state of mind, he would pull off some shit that would get him killed and end up benefiting the family in some way. Maybe he would go postal and take out a few police officers before taking himself…

Reno hadn't realized how much life and passion Zack had brought into his life until he walked out completely. When he was with Zack, he felt like they could actually do something- anything- together. He felt a rush he never got from any drugs or hits, nothing. Just being with Zack gave him a sense of belonging… and now that was all ripped away.

Groaning softly, Reno rolled over to face the other side of the room, ignoring the neon glow from his alarm clock that stung his eyes. Beside the clock lay a rolled up joint, half smoked with the rest crushed in the ashtray. He had smoked half of it earlier to relax himself, only to end up a crying mess in the bathroom. He was finding it harder and harder to get his mind away from the asshole that ruined him, what with every little thing-

"-reminding me of his fucking existence." Reno hissed out as he stared at the smoke, willing the memories to just disappear. But his mind refused to stay still, and his thoughts betrayed him…

"It's not that bad!"

"Are you kidding me?! You can get addicted to that shit and end up a starved homeless guy out on the street, pandering for money to get your next fix! And then you'll lose your entire family and friends, and then die on the streets a nameless dirty man."

"…You're too creative, yo."

"Well I'm not taking it… and I paint pretty pictures so maybe I am creative."

Zack never did end up taking the drugs. He stayed clean the entire time Reno knew him, preferring to smoke rather than anything else. He even opted to stay away from hard liquor. Reno always admired him for it, but also resented the fact that Zack could do everything Reno struggled to.

He was always stronger, Zack. He stayed away from unneeded trouble, kept his head above water, and managed to keep his moral values in a fucked up and chaotic world. Reno resented him for it. Always acting-

"-Fucking higher than me… keeping his emotions in check in tough situations while I break down and cry in a fucking bathroom." Reno said, his voice cracking slightly.

He remembered when Zack was grazed by a bullet on a mission gone wrong. It was just a flesh wound, but the blood had come out in thick streams. Instead of Zack being the one to start shaking and go pale, it was Reno who began to freak out as the sight of Zack's blood came into vision.

Reno was fine with blood as long as it didn't belong to someone he cared for.

"Just run, Reno! God damn it, I'm fine."

"But you're fucking b-bleeding, and oh god… it won't stop will it?"

"Fuck, Reno I'm going to kill you! Now help run so we can get out of here!!"

"Y-yeah, right… okay yeah, that sounds good."

Reno ended up helping Zack only when Zack helped him through the entire thing, telling him where to go, who to call, where the car was parked. Zack came out alright in the end, but Reno's entire core was shaken.

Reno was the tough guy, the cool guy with the dyed red hair and the smoke always dangling from a set of blood soaked hands. He wasn't the guy to completely forget about everything he was taught when he saw something as minor as a flesh wound. But Zack had that effect on him. He had the ability to completely change Reno- to reshape and change him into something Reno hated.

If Zack hadn't walked into his life, if he hadn't joined the family and he hadn't befriended Reno, Reno knew he would have been happier. Knew that all of this shit-

"-would have never happened."

Reno squeezed his eyes shut as his stomach churned inside him, rejecting the medication he had taken earlier to ease the headache that was ripping his head apart. Standing up slowly, Reno let the pounding pain aid him in forgetting about Zack and everything that had gone wrong. He welcomed the pain.

Walking back to the bathroom he started the shower up, turning the squeaky faucet to the left to let warm- almost scalding- hot water pour down to hit the black tiles. Reno watched the water swirl down the drain for a while before stripping his clothes off to jump into the shower, wanting to wash away his previous mistakes.

As he stood under the spray, his back started to itch from the hot water relentlessly pounding his tender skin, no doubt causing the skin under his tattoo to redden. Reno let out another moan as the memories assaulted him once again.

It was five years ago when both he and Zack had both been given the okay to gain their tattoo's, officially making them part of the family as well as including them in the long line of Yakuza members throughout Japanese history.

The entire process was long, painful, and costly, but it was all part of the job. They also got to choose the design themselves, which left room for creativity.

"A dragon?"

"Yeah… you don't like it? I mean, I thought dragons were pretty impressive."

"It's cool, yo. But why the water design around it?"

"It adds a certain… feeling about me. Like, the dragons' battling the waves, trying to break free… kinda like me. Always working against everything…"

"Yo, you okay, Zack? You went off into fuck who knows where land."

"Oh yeah, sorry about that. Anyways, you chose a tiger, right?"

Reno rested his head against the tile wall as he turned the water down in temperature, feeling the painful sting of the warm water all over his body now. He closed his eyes and pictured the dragon tattoo in his mind, an image he wished he could trace his fingers over again and again.

He should have seen the signs, and he should have been able to stop it. Zack had never been happy in the family. He was always talking about greater things, hell; he even got Reno into some of the ideas.

"America! That's where we should go. You know- the land of the free!"

"Fuck yah! Let's go to… New York! See the big Apple, yo. Eat all their greasy food and check out the club scene… fuck it must be amazin'!"

"And then go out to the countryside and enjoy the open air… rent a convertible and drive down the open roads."

"A red convertible!"

"Fuck no! A black one, because black kicks red's pansy ass anytime!"

"We never did decide on the colour of the car..." Reno whispered as the water went from boiling hot to freezing cold in a matter of moments. His voice was muffled by the sound of water pouring down as his body shivered at the contact from the cold.

They always planned to go to the United States and see everything this famous country had to offer. Only they were tied to the family and weren't allowed to leave their duties, even for a day. But they continued to dream, that's all they really could do.

That was one of the reasons Reno fell for Zack. His inability to stay knocked down for long and his day dreaming, relaxed behaviour. When Reno fell for Zack, he fell hard.

Turning the water off, Reno stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around his waste before going into his bedroom to sit on the edge of the bed. He could remember that day crystal clear.

It was when Zack was just about to turn twenty-three and Reno had turned twenty-two. The two of them were sitting near the place where they had first met, years and years ago. They had been drinking previously, and Reno was pleasantly buzzed as they watched people from all walks of life go by. Zack was rambling on about something, his face completely animated with his hands flying about.

Reno let his eyes wander over to Zack for just a moment, and that's when it struck him. He looked so… alive. The streetlights caught the shimmer in his eyes, making him look even more bright and vibrant. He was a breath of fresh air in the dull, dirty and all together depressing life they were both forced to live in. Reno could bask in Zack's vibrancy for forever.

But it was then that it struck Reno that he was in love with Zack. And not just the brotherly best friend kind of love. No, Reno wanted to be with him in ways that he never wanted to be with someone before. He wanted the hand holding, the sweet caresses, and all of the loving things that he used to laugh at when approached by previous lovers to act out.

"Or maybe I wanted…" Reno began softly as he stared across at the white washed wall.

Maybe he wanted to be him.

Reno shook his head and as if to dispel the though… but it wouldn't go away.

Zack had it all. He had the passion, the good looks, the charming personality… he had it all. What did Reno have? A whore of a mother, little or no ability to go it alone, and a fucking silly little crush over another guy; he was nothing like Zack.

"Shut the fuck up…" Reno hissed out, squeezing his eyes shut.

Reno was nothing in the family. He was simply Sephiroth's little messenger boy, only allowed to join the Yakuza because his mom was connected to one of their many brothels that ran in the city. But after Zack came around… well then, everything changed. Because of Zack, he could do more things, talk to more important people, see more things, and listen into more meetings…

But only because of Zack.

Zack came in to the group expecting it all, and eventually-

"Getting it all…he always got it all." Reno's voice lowered dangerously as he continued to stare at the wall, but not really see it.

Yes, Zack always got it all. He was Sephiroth's favourite next to Vincent. Always getting the important jobs, the ones that the family needed to have done properly or face a complete and utter collapse of the system. He was trusted with everything, and yet-

"He fucked us all over," Reno growled out as he stood up quickly. He picked up a pair of pants and tried to put them on, his hands fumbling on the belt clasp. "Give him one job with a pretty face and watch him crumble like a fucking… like a fuckin' dog!"

Cloud… Cloud just sauntered into their lives. But Zack fell for the blond and his fucked up life. Cloud was to the crashing waves, like Zack was to the dragon; both of them threatening to destroy each other, but never quite letting go.

It was pitiful. Cloud offered Zack nothing but pain and abandonment. What good had Cloud brought anyways? He made Zack leave the family. Desert them even. Sure, Zack was unhappy before he left, but Cloud had been that last straw- the last thing to take him away completely.

And Reno resented him for it, because he wanted to be the one to take Zack way.

Zack took to Cloud, despite being complete strangers. And here Reno was, left in the dark and pitiful world all by himself; a crying mess in the bathroom when he wasn't out getting smashed and fucked out of his mind. Reno was nothing like Zack. He wasn't even worth a one night stand.

"Shut up!" Reno yelled, hitting a fist against the wall. "Just shut the fuck up! Zack… Zack loved me…"

Loved you… but not anymore.

Collapsing against the wall, Reno broke down again. Hot angry tears streamed down across his face, making the tattoos on his cheeks turn glassy in appearance. What had their friendship really been? Reno eagerly chasing after Zack in a sorry attempt at what he thought was a normal relationship? While Zack knew all along what was happening, and used it to his advantage. Seeing how… how eager Reno was to follow him into the gates of hell and back?

And Reno realized he was still staying true to that. Because what he was in right now, truly was hell. It felt like Zack was dead already, and he was simply following in the males footsteps to an almost certain death. Much like how the great warrior Achilles followed Patroclus into the halls of the underworld, all because of a love harboured between the two.

Only Patroclus loved Achilles back. Zack… Zack just used Reno.

"H-he didn't use me." Reno whimpered out while trying to calm himself down again. He was going insane… he was going bat shit insane and he knew it. And he needed everything to change. He needed to get away from these deadly thoughts which twirled around his mind, assaulting him with things he knew not to be true- but took them as they were. Because really, when you play in the underworld, you're bound to lose something. Reno just never thought he would lose everything.

But it needed to change. He needed to make a pact with the devil to get himself out. It was over and done with, he needed it to all just-

"End…" Reno whispered in the silent room, voice breaking.

He unclenched his palms, his body suddenly going completely relaxed as a feeling of relief crossed through his system as it occurred to him that he could end it all. He could change everything and make it how it should be…

He knew how to end it.

The sudden beeping of the phone caused Reno to slowly turn his head to look at the cell over on the table, the red light flashing. Carefully, as if nothing before had been going on in his thoughts, he stood up and walked across the room to pick the phone up, thin fingers wrapping around the cell before flipping it open to bring it carefully to his ear.

"Yo…"

Heavy breathing could be heard across the line, before a mumbled 'shit' was heard coming from a usually composed male. "Reno, it's Vincent. We have had a complete breech of security at two of our facilities. We need you to come down to the brothel on Kosu street."

"Right away… boss." Reno flipped the phone closed and put his shirt and jacket on, before tying his hair back into the usual ponytail. It was time to get on with the job.

**XX**

"After he killed our men in the building, he stepped out and used Molotov cocktails on the building, sending it up in flames in a matter of moments. Luckily we got it all on security cameras from across the street."

Vincent sighed heavily as both he and Reno stood in a puddle of water while looking at the shelled out remains of a building. The firefighters were clearing the area, and the lights from the trucks flashed against Vincent's jet black hair.

"What about the girls inside?" Reno asked, his eyes scanning over the scene.

"They were let out before hand… seemed like he wanted to save all the 'innocent' before destroying our property in a dangerous display of idiocy. He targeted the Pachinko parlour as well, but there was little damage."

Silence took its place between the two men as they watched the scene before them, both thinking the same thing. Finally, Vincent spoke again.

"Sephiroth had ordered us to find and to kill Zackary."

Reno didn't let any emotion read on his face as he watched the flashing lights spin around and around on the fire tuck. He took a slow breath before turning away from the scene to walk down the street towards main head quarters.

"It's time to end it all." Reno whispered his emotions dangerously cold and frozen.

Authors Note: I am SO SORRY! I said I would update when I got back from Egypt, but I have been back for over a month and still no update! But here it is, a new (very emo filled) chapter for you! I hope you enjoyed it, and hope you get some slight insight into Reno's behavior towards everything. I'll try and update more often, I just got caught up with a lot of stuff after my wonderful trip! Anyways, Happy New Years and I hope you all had a good Christmas!