It's not an unpopular speculation that Alek might find Deryn out via her anatomical bits and pieces, which seems unlikely, but REGARDLESS, here are

Five Ways for Boobs to Happen

Rated C for Crack

1) Convenient Injury

"God's wounds! I mean, Dylan's wounds! Dylan, you're hurt!"

"Naw, it's just a scratch."

"Dylan, there's a fork sticking out of your chest."

"Alright, which one of you blighters threw that?"

"Dyl—"

"Mr. Newkirk, was that you, you ridiculous ninny?"

"Haha, you got me, Mr. Sharp!"

"Dylan, I really think—"

"Mr. Sharp! If you could kindly displace yourself from in front of our dartboard."

"Up yours, Mr. McMillian!"

"Oh, you joker!"

"Seriously, Dylan—"

"Alek, you're in the way. Why don't we…—"

"Dylan? Dylan! God's wounds, he's fainted! I'll have to bring him to a secluded area with no other witnesses in order to strip him down and remove the utensil!"

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2) Convenient Lack of Manners

Alek always knocked. He came from a long line of knockers. It was the polite, proper thing to do, before crossing any threshold! Also, he liked the sound his knuckles made on the Darwinists' fancy fabricated wood. Any excuse to knock was welcomed.

Except today he kept forgetting. He forgot when he went to visit Volger and ended up visiting him and Dr. Barlow, much to their dismay ("Tell my husband and I'll set my bees on you," the doctor had hissed). He forgot when he went to say Good Morning to Klopp and ended up startling the man in the middle of a very delicate mustache-trimming session (he was looking a bit asymmetrical now). He forgot when he went to ask Newkirk about his thoughts on the weather that day, and ended up catching the boy in the middle of his daily Dylan-impersonation ("Ooh, look at me. I'm Mr. Sharp and I can draw pretty pictures and save a whole bunch of lives and stuff. Look at my swagger, ooh, I'm pure dead fancy I am.")

And then he forgot when he went to fetch Dylan and Bovril for breakfast. Alek barged right in at the exact moment after Dylan had shucked off his nightshirt and was searching the tiny room for a clean oxford. The middy had just spotted one hung on a hook on the door, and was reaching for it when the slab of wood swung wide open and smacked right into him. Alek was grinning, and then not so much.

"BLISTERS! You hit me in the boob!"

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3) Via Possibly Mentally Retarded Loris

"What's gotten into it?"

"Beats me. It's just been mimicking hydrogen sniffer sounds and glow worm noises all morning."

"Glow worm—?"

"Ack! Bovril! What in blazes are you trying to do?"

"Cold."

"Get out of my shirt, you useless sodding piece of—"

"I'll get it out, Dylan!"

"No! It's fine! I don't think—"

"WITH MY BARE HANDS!"

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4) Fencing

"We've been over this, Dylan. Turn your chest to the side."

"I'm sorry, what? I was trying to do my barking job; you'll have to repeat that."

"Oh for crying out loud, do I have to show you?"

"Pardon?"

Alek sighs in exasperation, sets down his saber, and strides across the membrane. He twists Dylan like a mannequin—first his hips, then his midsection, then his torso. Alek gets right up behind him, reaches around to plant both hands squarely on the middy's pectorals, and rotates the body part into place.

"Say, Dylan…"

"… Aye?"

"Do you have something squishy in your pockets?"

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5) She's the Man style

"I'm a girl."

Alek gives her a blank look, then bursts out laughing. It takes a few minutes for him to reign himself in. "You really had me going there for a second! Oh boy!" He wipes tears from his eyes. "Okay, Dylan, what's your actual secret?"

"That was it."

"Psh, I think I'd know if you were actually a girl."

"Alek, I have a high voice."

"That doesn't prove anything! You could just be a homosexual, and I'd be totally fine with that if you were."

"Alek, I have breasts!"

"Maybe in your head, and there's nothing wrong—"

"No, they're quite literal. They're right in front of your face. See, my buttons are undone."


HAPPY CANANDA DAY!