I got the idea for this one from a review by The Useless Fact Wizard, who told me, "According to Wikipedia, Dr. Barlow had a son who, conviniently, would have been concieved just around when the books begin... Now, does that sound a little...*suspicious* to you? Or is it just me?" Warning, it is high-grade crack.
Wow Nice Baby
"Push, honeybee!"
"Pray tell, what is it that you think I am doing?"
"I just—I was just trying—"
"Oh, quit your insufferable babbling, Alan. And I'm sorry I snapped at you. I'm under a bit of stress at the moment, in case it has escaped your notice."
"Er, that's quite alright, dear. It's perfectly natural—"
She lets loose a quick bark of a laugh. "Don't you think I don't know what is perfectly natural, Alan dear!" She laughs again, wiping the wet curls off her flushed face, and then sobers right back up. "Alas, all this idle chitchat is prolonging the birth of our child. Rather inefficient, really. Where was I? Ah yes, pushing."
After several more minutes of this ("I was really hoping we'd make better time this time around"), the doctor brandishes a pretty gnarly-looking, wrinkly, wet, pink thing. "Mrs. Barlow—"
"Dr. Barlow."
"Ah, of course, yes. And Mr. Barlow—"
"Sir Barlow."
"Okay, whatever. Here is your new son." The flustered doctor hands the scrubbed-off infant to his mother, who smiles and pats her husband on the hand.
"Fine-looking boy," the doctor comments.
"You know…" Alan continues, "he doesn't look premature to me."
"Well he is," Nora says brusquely. "I've only been off the Leviathan for seven months."
The doctor carries on, "Quite the mustache he's got going."
Alan Barlow touches his own hairless lip speculatively. "It is, isn't it…" He looks at the heavily mustachioed newborn with narrowed eyes.
Nora notices. "I'm sure it's a recessive gene, dearest. Don't worry about it."
[edit] This is in no way intended to be at all accurate. At all. So any incongruencies with real timelines, events, blargh, etc. will just have to be ignored. My apologies to all of you history buffs, but I wrote this in five minutes. Thank you to the reviewer who pointed out my abhorrent disregard of reality though. I promise to make more of an effort in the future!