2012 me says: "Inspired by the unit we're currently covering in Bio, and the rather entertaining film we've been watching to accompany it ;) Post-Goliath, at the Zoological Society's HQ. Imagine the tutor sounds like Sean Connery; it is so much better."

2014 me is still sniggering haha this is the worst.

"One of the things that threw Darwin most for a loop were the vast differences in appearances between males and females of the same species. He couldn't figure out why males would evolve to possess such hindering, ostentatious displays."

"It's to get the lassies, obviously," Deryn said offhandedly. Alek shot her a look. He was actually trying to learn some of this.

"Correct, Mr. Sharp," their (very patient, bless him) tutor said. "But it was a while before Darwin realized that that was the case." The man cleared his throat and turned back to the textbook, not one to let the disguised ex-airwoman (or airman, as far as he knew) derail his lesson. "Indeed, certain characteristics such as a male peacock's feathers, a lion's mane, or perhaps Mr. von Hapsburg's striking good looks," he said with a teasing smile, "or Mr. Sharp's impressive stature, are all evolutionary tools to attract a lady."

Deryn laughed while Alek cast his eyes aside sheepishly. "So what did the prince's ears evolve so barking huge for?"

"Language, boy. And if you've been paying attention, you'd be able to answer that yourself."

"It's a random mutation," Alek answered, proud at first to have one-upped Deryn in a biology lesson before realizing what he'd just said about himself. She laughed some more.

"Correct. And since they most likely won't hinder Mr. von Hapsburg's ability to attract a mate, the gene will what? Mr. Sharp?"

Alek elbowed her in the ribs. "Quit laughing and answer!"

"Get passed on to his adorable little Clanker offspring," she said. When Mr. Woods nodded and turned back to his textbook, she shot Alek an implicative look and mouthed, "Our offspring." She had to chuckle again when he turned beet red.

"Now, Mr. Sharp, you'll need to be more mature than that if we are to move on. The next chapter concerns how evolution in different living conditions alters the mating habits of separate species, and I won't have any of your gadding about, understand?"

Deryn sobered up. "Aye, sir, I want to hear about the mating."

Alek looked unsettled. "Is that really appropriate?"

"But of course, my boy! It's the key to evolution!"

"Yeah, mate," Deryn teased him. "The key!"

"We'll look at asexual reproduction first, and afterwards I have a quick film to illustrate the radical differences in the brutish mating practices of certain chimpanzees, and the frequent love-making of their evolutionary cousins. You boys'll never guess the reason for the difference," Mr. Woods tacked on, as casually thrilled as if he was describing his favourite childhood recipe and not primates doing the nasty.

Alek swallowed as Deryn "accidentally" brushed her leg against his. "Sounds fascinating," she said. "And a film! What a treat, aye, Alek?"

"Mm-hm," he replied, kicking her leg away.

Confident that Mr. Woods was absorbed in his current task rifling through a book cart across the room, and that no one in the library adjacent to their little conference room was paying them any mind, she snuck her hand onto his thigh and gave it a squeeze. He made some sort of startled animal noise that he attempted to cover with a cough.

"Don't sound so enthusiastic," she chided him sarcastically while the tutor was distracted. "You're excited to learn about mating, aren't you?"

"Why are you making this so difficult?" he asked through clenched teeth.

"I already know this stuff like the back of my hand. I'm just trying to keep myself entertained."

Alek glared at her.

"Fine." She turned away from him with a sigh. Still whispering, she added, "Though judging from your behaviour last night, I'd think you'd be pretty keen on learning the what's what on mating."

He looked panicked. "Please, Der—Dylan, I'm begging you. Behave!"

"Aha, found it!" Mr. Woods triumphantly held up a textbook heavy enough to stun two elephantines in one blow. "This text contains some marvelous photographs of plant spores on ferns! Quite fascinating, really."

Deryn smiled quite falsely. "Ooh, let me at 'em!"

Alek sank in his chair, thinking that the barking monkey sex film could not come fast enough.