6 Months Later
Another day in Hell. I stared at the white walls that surrounded me. I never thought I would hate the color white. But after staring at it for six months straight, you would get sick of seeing it. Everything here was white. At least they didn't make me wear white. They gave me a choice of white or blue clothes. I honestly didn't want to wear either. I detested white, and blue made me think of him. It was the color he said he liked best on me. But then again, that could have been a lie to.
I was brought out of my thoughts by the nurse coming into my room. She was a nice enough lady, but I still didn't like her. I didn't like anyone here. I didn't want to be here anymore. But they wouldn't let me go home. The said I wasn't well. If they were waiting on me to be well, then they must be planning to keep me forever. Without him, I was never going to be well. Ever.
"Bella dear, Dr. Marshall is ready for your session." she smiled at me. I would have liked to smile back, but I couldn't. I just stood and walk by her.
When I was sitting in Dr. Marshall's office, I felt myself shut down even more. I hated these sessions. All he wanted was for me to talk about how things were. How I felt. If I was still thinking about harming myself.
Why couldn't they understand that I wasn't hurting myself? That, what they considered self harm, was actually self pleasure. It made everything else go away. If I could just concentrate on the pain I was feeling on my arms, that I wouldn't think about him, or how he left me.
I didn't turn when he came in the office. He must dread these sessions as much as I. He knew I wouldn't talk. I stopped talking to everyone. The doctors, nurses, even Charlie and René. They still came by, they just didn't expect me to talk. I would just stare blankly. I knew it hurt them, and I really was sorry for that. I just couldn't bring myself to speak. It felt as though if I did speak I would lose control. I would scream and cry. I would break down and would never come back.
"So Bella, are you going to talk to me today. I would really like to talk to you. I know you want to go home. Your parents miss you. And your friends are worried."
Again, all I did was hurt the people I cared about. I should have just cut a little deeper that night. I wouldn't be forced to stay here. I wouldn't be hurting anyone anymore. I wouldn't have to feel the emptiness that I felt inside. When he left me, he took everything. And there was no getting it back. I don't know why everyone continued to try to fix me. I was broken beyond repair. Only one person could help me and he didn't care.
"Bella, I have made a decision to bring in another doctor. I think a fresh mind may be able to help you. He is a very good doctor. I worked with him for a while at a precious hospital. After the nurse takes you back to your room, I am going to call him and see if he can make a trip out here, and take a look at your case. Do you mind if I call him?"
I just stared at him. Not speaking. Not moving. He took my silence as a yes because he smiled.
"Ah, Bella, I can hardly get a word in edge wise." he chuckled darkly. "I'm going to help you get better. You're a beautiful girl with a bright future. You will see that there are plenty of boys out there. Just because one relationship didn't work doesn't mean that the world has to end."
I didn't listen to him. I was tired of his little pep talks. I stood and walked to the door. I didn't look back when he asked me to stay.
When I was safe in my room, I curled into a ball on my bed and silently wept.
I don't know how long it took for me to fall asleep, but soon I was in the woods back in Forks. I was lost. Searching for my lost love, knowing there was no way I could find what didn't want to be found. After running for what seemed like eternity, I collapsed on the wet ground. I looked up to the sky and saw nothing. Everything was black. There were no stars. No moon. Nothing.