CHAPTER VII

It did end up working out with Gokudera in the end, after all, five years later you were still madly in love with the man that you once despised with a passion in highschool. Lots of things had changed in that time, the biggest being your career choice.

Five years ago you would never have imagined working as a doctor for the mafia. The Vongola Famiglia to be exact.

It happened when Dr. Shamal had taken off on one of his many sexual escapades with the women who threw themselves at him because they thought he was rich (which Gokudera assured you he wasn't) but you didn't know all this at the time. You didn't know anything of Gokudera's activities outside the bubble he kept you in. It happened about a year after the first night he spent with you, though never making it official, because that was Gokudera - never labeling anything- was the night you pretty much became a couple, more then just two people who liked to fuck eachother, which was his way of putting it.

The Incident

Frantic, Yamamoto and Gokudera showed up at your place with a very broken Tsuna, themselves being badly beaten up too. They needed you to tend to his injuries right away and not ask any questions. Trusting your love and worried about Tsuna, you did everything you could, include breaking into a clinic you were working at for supplies. Everyone was on edge, Yamamoto and Gokudera fought a lot and he took a lot of his anger out on you.

He threw things, he broke things and gave you the cold shoulder often, never touching you in front of anyone, never really touching you at all. It was okay then. He was worried about Tsuna, no - it wasn't just worry, it was frantic and desperate and anxious and unsettling. You knew the bond he shared with Tsuna was strong, but you had never seen him like this. He was constantly on edge, chain smoking, refusing treatment, snapping at anyone and everyone.

You insisted that they take Tsuna elsewhere, that you weren't qualified to take care of him. They refused to take Tsuna to a hospital, they didn't want to move him and the hospital would ask too many questions and your place was closer then where they needed to go and with desperate, tear brimmed eyes he begged you because you were the only one he'd trust with his beloved boss's life.

The situation became grim, you weren't sure he'd pull through. You did everything you could and worked so hard, mending the broken bones as best you could, keeping him on a ventilator and just secretly praying that he would get better because you couldn't stand the thought of losing your friend or what was worse, losing Gokudera as well as Tsuna. Something told you if anything were to happen to him here, you'd all be dead because he'd go on a rampage, killing everyone including himself.

Tsuna got through the worst of it and things still didn't calm down between Gokudera and Yamamoto - because Yamamoto seemed to rub Gokudera the wrong way in every way, but nevertheless you saved Tsuna's life.

Gokudera saw you in a whole new light.

The Famiglia

After meeting almost everyone connected to Tsuna from the time he spent recovering in your home, Gokudera told you about the mafia.

"Eh? The mafia? You mean like the Yakuza?" you had asked with a gasp.

"Che!" Gokudera spat. "The Yakuza is a gang full of ruffians and thugs, they're all criminals. They're not the mafia."

"Oh...," you had said quietly, still not understanding the difference.

He explained everything from the beginning, the first generation and the ones that followed and told you that Tsuna was the Vongola Decimo, he was striving to make his generation like the first, an organization set out to help people instead of intimidating and killing like the prior generations.

The "right hand man", the millions of times you've heard "JUUDAIME!", all the times he left without telling you where he was going or going days without seeing him, the nights when he showed up full of half healing bruises or fresh cuts and scars, it all made sense now.

It wasn't long after that Tsuna asked you to join the family under a Reborn's recommendation but against Gokudera's wishes. Even though he protested this by claiming he would get sick of seeing that "stupid woman" twenty four hours a day or that "it was none of your business really" or that "women weren't cut out for the mafia", you eventually accepted.

What made matters worse was that Reborn had told Dr. Shamal to train you. This had Gokudera in an outrage, arguing with Reborn until he finally pointed a gun at him and told Gokudera,

"Tsuna is the boss, he made this decision. Shut up and take it like a man."

Everyone knew all they had to do was play the boss card and Gokudera could argue no more. He wouldn't disagree with the tenth no matter how much he disliked it.

The Fallout

This put a lot of strain on your new relationship with him and you began to realize when he was stressed he never made love to you like he did that very first time. When he was stressed or angry, he could be very cruel and cold, sometimes going beyond just rough sex. He never stayed with you on those nights. He'd always be drunk too, the smell of whiskey and cigarettes heavy on his breath. His eyes were always cold, his mouth turned up into a sneer, the words he'd say to you...

He would make you plead and beg, sometimes never letting you touch him, sometimes biting you so hard he'd leave bruises. A lot of times making you hate yourself for putting up with it because you needed him regardless. You felt by telling yourself he acted this way because he loved you, because he didn't want you to get involved with something so messy so that you wouldn't get hurt that you could justify his actions.

Still, it didn't feel right.

That's when you started to doubt you and him again, bringing back original thoughts of how he'd be no good for you. You felt like you should put some distance between the two of you so you trained hard with Shamal, learning his Trident Mosquito technique. You spent a lot of time around Bianchi, knowing with his "Bianchi-phobia" as Tsuna called it, you'd be safe. You helped Kyoko Sasagawa and Haru Miura with daily chores and looking after I-Pin and Lambo when you had the time. You missed him but you needed a break from his torture. It was nearly a six months ongoing and now you barely saw him at all. He had stopped sharing a room with you two weeks before, sleeping in his office. He didn't come to you for anything and when you happened to see each other in passing he'd avoid eye contact, leave the room, set out on a different route and when there was no escape he'd scowl and spit out his annoyed tick and keep on moving past you like a stranger, leaving you feeling empty with only the lingering of his cigarette smoke. You had pretty much given up on the hope that you'd ever be able to fix things with him, things had just gone so wrong, there was no coming back from it and the thought seized your heart, tightened your chest and brought tears to your eyes.

What would you do then?

The Past and The Make-Up

You were working late in your office one night, studying some kind of lab results Giannini had asked you to look over earlier that day when a shadow appeared in the doorway. You looked up to see your perplexing silverette leaning against the door frame, arms crossed, cigarette hanging from his lips.

"Yo," he said nonchalantly, as if the last gut wrenching, twisted and most loneliest six months had never happened.

"Hi..."

He took a drag of his cigarette.

You set your pen down and pushed your (H/C) hair out of your face, tucking it behind your ear.

He smirked. "I always loved when you did that," he said.

You noticed he was speaking past tense and dread began to weigh heavily on your heart.

He walked into your office, pulling on his cigarette, blowing out rings of smoke from his mouth. He sat down on the edge of your desk, facing you. You leaned back in your chair. He frowned as he took your drawback was one of wary. He looked away from you then, pulling out a snap purse from his pocket and chucking the cigarette into it. He put it back into his jeans pocket and pulled out a small stick of dynamite, something you were now used to seeing, and began to pass it in between each finger, like one would do with a coin.

"You know," he began, "I have a very dark side to me... When I was little, a woman used to come by our mansion to teach me how to play piano. She was a very beautiful woman and she was a very talented pianist. I remember her being so kind, telling me I had perfect hands to play...Then she just stopped coming altogether. I had always looked forward to spending time with her but she never came back. When I was eight, I happened to be passing by the maids' quarters when I overheard them talking about an accident my mother had beenhi killed in. Confused, I stopped to listen in paranoia that something happened to my mother when another said that Bianchi's mother wasn't my mother. It didn't take a genius to put the pieces together. My father was a mafia boss, he was married and had an affair with a very talented, silver haired pianist who I saw everytime I looked in the mirror."

You listened intently but at the same time you could already feel his pain.

"I ran away from home after that. I learned it was mafia law that my mother had been denied me, only being able to see me those few times she taught me to play. I learned her car had been run off the road, her dying instantly. I hated my father with every fiber of my being and I was determined to never to call myself his son."

He stopped flipping the dynamite and held it in between his thumb and index finger. He stared at it.

"Shamal took me in and taught me a few things here and there but I pretty much raised myself on the streets. He was a useless pervert, more concerned about what was in between a woman's legs than the ten year old boy who just needed someone to guide him.

"No family would except me because I wasn't fully Italian, because I was a bastard child, because not even my own family wanted me. I made a name for myself and eventually the Vongola asked me to freelance for them. It wasn't being part of a family officially, but it helped pay the bills and I thought eventually I'd be able to move up, eventually taking revenge on the piece of shit that killed my mother."

You felt a lump in your throat, tears threatening to fall. "Gokudera..."

"A few years later I get a call from the Vongola's most respected, most feared hitman, Reborn-san. He tells me that there's a candidate for the Vongola Decimo position and that I'm to see if he's worthy of the title. He tells me that if I don't deem him worthy, I can kill him and be next in line for the ninth's candidate. I was all to happy to oblige. I boarded the next plane to Japan where I enrolled in Namimori Middle. At first glance, the tenth seemed weak and unmotivated. He didn't take his situation seriously and that angered me. How could he not be honoured to be a candidate for the Vongola's next boss? Why was he so clueless? After watching him for a few days I determined he wasn't fit to be mafia material, let alone the next Vongola successor. I decided I was going to kill him."

Your eyes went wide. With their relationship the way it was now, it was impossible to believe that Gokudera would hurt Tsuna.

"But I was the one who got cocky. I used too much dynamite in my desperate attempt to rid the world of his pathetic existence and nearly killed myself. Juudaime managed to extinguish every last lit dynamite before any casualties occurred. He saved my life."

You were beginning to understand this complex man. His heart was very guarded and for all these reasons, there was a heavy, angry burden that he carried on his shoulders that tainted this otherwise fragile soul with streaks of viciousness that frightened you immensely.

"I decided to devote my life to becoming the tenth's right hand man realizing I wasn't cut out to be a mafia boss anyway. That first time wasn't the last time Juudaime has saved my life, either. He fights to protect all of us, friend or foe. He's a different kind of man, a man like I've never met before in my life."

He paused for a bit.

"But even still, there's this... this... dark passenger lurking inside me that I can't control." His tone came out a little shaky, almost like he was scared of it too.

You placed your hand on his thigh and he looked from your hand to you, his usual bright green eyes looked sad and dull.

"Hayato..." This was the first time you ever used his first name outside of the bedroom. "I love you." This was also the first time you had confessed.

He turned his head to hide his blush and you said, "I really do."

"Che! Baaka-" he poked you in the middle of your forehead. "Don't say such stupid things."

Gokudera's POV

A man like me can't possibly be loved by a girl like you, he thought.

He wanted to tell you he was sorry for the way he treated you, that he had a bad habit of taking his anger out on the wrong people.

He was angry that you were brought into this life, someone so beautiful and fragile shouldn't have to see the ugly side of the world. Just look what happened to his mother. She was stupid enough to love someone like his father and look where it got her. He didn't want the same fate for you.

He didn't want you spending time around that old pervert Shamal, that took no shame in groping women and making slutty comments whenever he felt like it. The thought of him putting his hands on you or disgracing you with his foul mouth made him grit his teeth and clench his fists. It nearly got him killed, arguing with Reborn-san. He knew that the Arcobaleno hitman wouldn't hesitate to put a bullet in his head if he disgraced the family or Juudaime. In which case he wouldn't, because he'd never go against the tenth.

Anyways he had to let it go, but it didn't stop him from being angry, it was the only emotion he was unable to control. So he took it out on the one person he knew would take it and it made him feel like scum. No, worse than scum. A real asshole, a piece of shit. He hated himself for it and he couldn't face you. He couldn't look into those beautiful, wide (e/c) eyes and see them smile through everything he had done to you. You reminded him too much of that baseball idiot, with that carefree attitude, smiling through everything, laughing at everything like you didn't have a care in the world.

It made him feel worse when you purposely avoided him, made him feel jealous that you rather spend your time with that pervert than with him and when you started going to sleep without him (and he knew that you never slept easy without him) was when he realized that even though you smiled through everything, even though he never saw you cry, he knew you were hurting.

He wanted to tell you how sorry he was but the words wouldn't come out of his mouth. When you told him you loved him just now, he wanted to tell you he had realized he loved you too only after he had almost let you go. That he had probably loved you since the day you told him he played beautifully in the halls of Namimori almost three years ago. But he just couldn't say it.

Poking you, he tells you not to say such stupid things but he's so relieved that you feel the same way he does, so relieved that you didn't want to wash your hands of him after the treacherous rollercoaster he's put you on since he came storming into your life three years ago. It was that moment he vowed to protect you with his life, just like he vowed to protect the tenth's. He swore to himself that he was never going to hurt you like that again because that's not what a man, the leader of the Vongola guardians, the Vongola Decimo's trusted right hand man, would do.

He stood, looking over his shoulder at you. You smiled at him, wide like the baseball idiot's smile.

"Tch, you've been spending too much time around that yakyū baka," he said, holding out his hand.

You wanted to grab it, you wanted to embrace him, you wanted to kiss him but you were afraid to. Even though he just confessed his life story to you after all these years of not knowing much about the tortured storm guardian, after it gave you some insight to why he was the way he was, you couldn't help but be wary whenever he was near. His temper had a short fuse, just like his dynamite and though he had never raised a hand to intentionally hurt you, he did it in other ways. You didn't want to feel ashamed, hopeless, desperate ever again. You just wanted to love him, to just only feel love and happiness when you were with him.

Seeing the hesitation on your face made Gokudera's heart sink. He couldn't believe he had hurt you that much, he couldn't believe that he was such a piece of trash; not worthy of being loved by such a delicate flower like you.

He remembered the first time he made love to you, the first time he understood how you felt about him. He remembered the way you snuggled in close to him, asking him to stay the night. He knew you were at peace when you were in his arms, the way he was when you would always lay your head on his chest, falling asleep to the sound of his heartbeat. He just wish he knew how to tell you these things.

Then something dawned on him, something he knew he could say that would make you understand he wasn't going to be that bastard that treated you like garbage anymore. "Come," he said in a soft voice. "I want you to stay the night..."

Author's Note :

So, I'm almost finished the actual story, it's taking me a pretty long time trying to figure out how to wrap up the ending.

As usual, reviews would make it super awesome (I really want to know how you feel about Gokudera's character. Is he too OOC? I always pictured him having a really dark side) and I'm sorry if this chapter and the last chapter annoyed you with the constant shifting of the points of view.

Keep reading!