After making a real effort to put Angela's jello to good use, and accompanied with a cup of tea, Jane felt some of the tension of the last few days fall off her shoulders. Bit by bit. Angela had retreated to the guest house with "I love you"'s thrown over her shoulder on her way out. Not just for her, but also for the amazing person sitting on the couch with her right now. Maura. Her best friend, and her family. She felt a sense of serenity overcome her by the thought of Maura uttering those words. Right at this moment, it all felt okay. At least like that's how it would turn out in the end. Listening to the slight buzzing of traffic on the street outside, she went through the events of the last few days in her head. She loved her family, she really did - but at times she wish things would have been a little bit less complicated. With memories from childhood flooding her mind - she remembered the time when things weren't. When her father had been her biggest hero, the man that could do no wrong, the man who struggled to provide for his family and was happy with that. It's never that simple.
"You wished he would have moved back don't you?" Maura's quiet voice broke her thought process.
Jane sighed, and turned to look at Maura. "I really don't know." And she really didn't. Keeping her eyes on the coffee table in front of her, she let her mind speak. "As much as I'd love to have him around, it would ruin everything Ma has worked to build back up since he left, and that's not fair to her."
"And what about you?" Maura cut in.
"What do you mean?"
"What about the things that you need? I mean, you're mother has proven that she's capable of taking care of herself, Jane."
"I know... I just... She's still Ma, you know? If someone needs her - she'll be there, no matter who or what. She deserves to live her life. He's the one who chose to leave us."
"But he came back."
"When he needed something, yes."
Maura sighed.
"What? It's true. Don't get me wrong, I love my father, and I always will - but to come running back when you need something... It's not really fair."
"It's very common. When something comes along and threatens your existence like that, you suddenly realize what's important. What you need."
Jane raised an eyebrow. "Okay, I kind of get that. And I do know it must have been hard for him to come back, and somehow admit that. It's just... God!" Frustrated, she ran a hand through her hair. "It's just so messed up."
Silence fell upon them with that. Outside of what science and literature told her, Maura wasn't familiar with this kind of drama in families. Judging by Jane's rigid posture next to her on the couch, she didn't find it appropriate to quote literature or studies.
Then Jane surprised her.
"I know he loves us. And as happy and relieved I am that the prognosis is good.." Maura heard the thickness of Jane's voice and it made her shift closer to her on the couch. "He's not going to be around forever... and with how things are now? Even though they are a bit better I guess... I just don't want to remember him as the guy who left us. Left us because... " Jane sniffed and drew her hand under her nose. "Left because we didn't make him happy anymore."
"Oh Jane." Maura's hand fell to Jane's knee, rubbing comforting circles.
Jane looked up at Maura with a slight smile. "Is that pathetic?"
"No." was Maura's firm response. "Not at all. It simply shows that you still care, Jane. And that means it's not too late."
"Maybe..." Jane shrugged. Feeling vulnerable, she withdrew from Maura's hand on her knee to straighten herself up on the couch.
Maura made an attempt to get to the bottom of it all. "You're still thinking about what he said to your brothers?"
Jane nodded. "How can I not?"
"Has he ever said such things before?"
"Not to their faces no. That was new..." Sadness overcame Jane's features.
"He didn't say anything to you."
At that, Jane looked over at Maura. "He'd need another drink for that I guess..."
"He came to you first, Jane. That must have meant something."
"Yeah... he knew I'd never turn him down."
"Possibly, but I think there's more to it than that. You were close."
Jane nodded. "We were."
"I think your father is extremely proud of you, Jane."
Jane shrugged, not quite ready to go there.
"It's not really about that, Maura. It's just... I know Tommy will have no problem forgiving him for saying all those things, but Frankie... it just wasn't fair. To any of them - and I did nothing to stop it."
"Tommy knows what it's like. To make mistakes."
"So that makes it okay? It was a mistake so lets all just forget about it?"
"No... I'm simply giving an explanation as to why Tommy would be the first to forgive. And also why it would be harder for Frankie, or you."
Jane lifted her legs and allowed her feet to hit the coffee table, legs crossed at the ankles.
"You could do so much better you know."
Maura's gaze was questionable.
"You could have picked a better family." Jane chuckled.
"I highly doubt that."
"I don't know whether that should make me elated or worried." Jane shot back.
Sensing Jane's need to steer the conversation back on safe territory, Maura decided to go along and allow it to shift to be about her for a while.
"And I didn't pick you." She looked at Jane earnestly. "I feel more than anything, that you included me. You picked me."
"Well no one can blame us for that."
"I guess not." Maura stated with nonchalance and a slight glint in her eyes.
Jane chuckled. Composing herself, she added "Thank you though. For allowing us to do that."
"Jane. Do I have to repeat myself? There's nothing to thank me for. I love your family. My family."
"Still... only you would be flattered to be included in the most awkward and embarrassing family reunion ever."
Maura got silent for a few seconds, thinking through her reply.
"It's refreshing. At least you let your thoughts out in the open."
"Well that's the understatement of the year." Jane stared at Maura with expectation for her to continue.
"I grew up in an environment that supported the notion of keeping things unsaid. Better that than cause a scene. To me it's refreshing to see a family that doesn't hold back, doesn't avoid confrontation or awkwardness. More than anything it shows how much you all care about each other. You mean more to each other than what any innocent bystander thinks of you."
The way Maura uttered those words without even the slightest hint of disappointment or resentment towards her upbringing left her feeling both sad and proud. She patted Maura's knee.
"Well, as you might already have noticed." She smiled a beaming smile. "You can keep us."
Slightly overwhelmed, Maura delivered an honest "Thank you."
"No. Thank you, Maura."
Maura shrugged.
"You gave Ma a place to stay when she had literally nothing left. You even did the same for Tommy. And I want you to know that's not something just anyone would do. So thank you."
Maura smiled back at Jane, enjoying the honest moment passing between them.
"You know, when I bought this house I was elated. Such a beautiful property, something that I could enjoy after a long day at work. I could spend my nights wondering what I would do with all the different rooms, the possibilities felt endless. And the guest house... "
"I remember you mentioning you thought about your parents staying there when they visited."
"I did." Maura sighed. "Or perhaps I simply wanted them to know I had it there, if they ever decided to come..."
Jane felt her heart drop.
"Then I realized I had the perfect place for your mother to stay. A person who actually needed it - and wanted it. After everything you and Frankie had been through, all your entire family had been through... It was a rough time for all of you, Jane. I wanted to do something to help."
"After just saving Frankie's life you felt like you needed to do more?"
Maura huffed. "Jane. I was simply doing what any doctor would have done. With a little help from my very convincing best friend, might I add."
"Yeah, you kept saying that..." Jane suddenly saw flashes of that awful event, and the days following.
"What I'm trying to say is that what started out as me trying to help where I saw help was needed, turned into something else entirely."
"A complete mess?"
"Jane."
"Sorry."
"When your mother moved in, and became a part of this house, you all followed along - and in the process this big house that I had all these plans for... it became a home, Jane. You all became my family through filling this house with love and warmth. When one of you enter this house without knocking I don't see it as an invasion of my privacy, I see it as you all being comfortable around me. I feel included."
"You're just too polite to say anything else."
Maura sighed.
"Sorry. I'm sorry. I know you mean it. It's just when you put it like that... I don't know."
"You think it's sad."
"No!" Jane hadn't meant for it to come out that quickly. She took a breath. "I mean... I appreciate that you feel like that - I really do. I just can't help but feel guilty about the fact that we sometimes walk in without knocking."
"You're impossible." Maura rolled her eyes, like a true member of the Rizzoli family.
"What?"
"That's what you chose to take from that?"
"Yeah. It's not right. I feel like.. " she hesitated. "Like we somehow take advantage of you."
"What on earth makes you say that?"
"I don't know... It's just been a weird few days." Jane yawned.
Maura wasn't about to leave it at that. "You think you're taking advantage of my sad existence?"
"What? No."
"Then what?"
"Maura... I just feel bad, that's all. You didn't ask to be dragged into any of this. That's all."
"Why would you feel guilty about something I've clearly stated I'm a willing participant in? Something that I enjoy?"
"I don't... know?" Jane raised a questioning eyebrow.
Maura simply shook her head, trying to grasp the reality of it all.
"You do think it's sad. That I love the fact that a family that I'm not related to includes me into their lives, and that I allow it to happen without question."
"No, Maura. No." Jane tensed up. This wasn't how she imagined this night to end. Already feeling tired enough, she felt the need to clear this before it escalated further. She turned towards Maura, trying to find her eyes. When she finally caught them, she saw the hurt. She reached out for Maura's hands, bringing them safely between her own.
"Your existence is not sad, Maura. I'll admit I feel bad sometimes, for the things that you might have missed out on... For all the people who didn't know how to show or tell you how much they loved you. But never ever think that I pity you. I admire you. Because somehow... you've made your peace with it."
It left Maura overwhelmed, but she allowed Jane to continue.
"I guess what I'm trying to say is that we've been doing the same thing. Taking you for granted. Forgotten to tell you how incredible you are." Noticing her own hoarse voice, Jane cleared her throat. "And that's not something you deserve."
Maura felt tears flowing in her eyes, but was afraid to blink. If she did and missed a fraction of the sight before her she would never forgive herself.
"I just want you to know that everything you've done for us. For me... it means so much, Maura. So, so much."
Like that, the last burden of the night lifted off of Jane's shoulders. Through her own tears, she saw Maura's eyes let go of the hurt, and be replaced by admiration and love. She let go of Maura's hands and instead opened her arms inviting Maura in.
"Come here."
Feeling Maura relax against her left shoulder, she added. "There's nothing or no one that will ever be able to drag me away from such an amazing family."
Remember her own recent outburst and the guilt following, Maura felt relief wash through her and tightened her hold. Wondering what she ever did to deserve so much love.