The Ex Factor: Outtakes

by AngelAtTwilight

If you enjoy "The Ex Factor: Edward & Bella", and have read it all, then you will love these outtakes. Dipping into the past, both before and after their reconciliation, these outtakes are not to be missed!

7. Dear Goodbye

THESE OUTTAKES WILL NOT BE IN ORDER OF SEQUENCE. It's whatever comes to me at the time.

REVIEW, REVIEW, REVIEW!!

Outtake 7: Dear Goodbye
Edward & Bella's break up in High School. =(
I hope this fills out all the missing pieces of that part for you.

Warning: This is one of the worst moments in their lives. What started it all. It has a lot of angst, a lot of anger, and a lot of sadness. TISSUE WARNING.

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Special Shout-Out's:

To my Readers, Twilighter's, Lexicon's, and Facebook girls.... thanks for pushing me to finally go here and write this. It was a true, raw, much-needed experience for TEF.
To Jazz Girl (Caryn), my Beta -- for pulling me through! I wouldn't have made it without you!
Disclaimer: I own nothing that is Twilight or Stephenie Meyer related.

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"Staring out, depressed about the words I have to bleed. So... torn apart.
Shattered by impressions of confessions in defeat... my broken heart.
Crying, desperate, fighting questions, scared to let go. ...We used to be so beautiful.
But the days go by and things get better.
I'm weary from the war, I'm losing half of my soul.. but the days go by, and...
...Past the point of reasons, I just want you to believe that it's... not your fault.
Cry your eyes to sleep, it's like a thousand rainy nights, oh... drowning lost.
Photographs, the ghost of what we had come undone... Where did it all go wrong?
The days go by and things get better.
You harden like a stone, to face the world alone... but the days go by and things get better.
Exhausted of apologies. In search of something comforting. But the days go by and things get better.
Brought out the best and worst in me, you gave your all unselfishly, but the days go by again..."

JC Chasez, "Dear Goodbye"

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Outtake 7: Dear Goodbye

BellaPOV

Have you ever have one of those gut feelings, deep in the pit of your stomach, that you couldn't shake?

Something so horrible, but you couldn't figure it out, until it was right in front of your face?

That's how I'd felt since I woke up yesterday.

Seeing Edward with Tanya last night, was quite possibly the worst moment of my life. I'm not sure if it was that there was clothing removed. I'm not sure if it was even the fact that it was in my dad's house.

The more and more I forced myself to think about it, all I saw was her perfect face clutched in his hands, blonde hair streaming down her shoulders and back, her fingers tangled in his hair, their mouths open and almost touching, him panting all over her face...

...But the clincher was that... it was as if he had a desperation in his eyes... a desired need that... just couldn't be filled by me, his girlfriend.

And that made me feel like the last few years of my life, years that I'd shared with Edward, were all a waste. All my feelings, everything I thought I knew about the man I trusted more than anything and everything, was all lies. I was betrayed.

I never meant to kiss Jake. It was one of those moments that happened once - shame on him. But it happened again a few years later. That made twice, and shame on me.

But for Edward to retaliate in the worse kind of way...

I will never forget the eerie gasp that came from my throat when I first opened the door. I will never forget the pain I felt, so vivid it had to be visible in my eyes,. The crushing of my chest as I saw this person I had held so high up on a pedestal, the man that I unintentionally hurt myself, doing what he was so upset that I did. Even though I did not encourage it; he did.

That was the first time I realized that, not only was my relationship built like a sandcastle near a raging ocean, but that... Edward wasn't my savior.

He wasn't the man who could end all the pain of losing my dad, or the hurt from a fight with my mom, or anything else that brought me down.

He wasn't some knight in shining armor, put here by God himself to save me from the evils of this world.

...In fact... I didn't know him at all.

---

The Night Before

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EdwardPOV

Taking another double shot of bourbon, I slammed the glass of ice on the counter, the loud music from the stacked speakers buzzing in my head.

I was toasted. And angry. And hurt. And then REALLY FUCKING ANGRY. Back and forth, back and forth. Repetitive cycle, like the damn washing machine.

I watched as Bella sauntered around the room with a few of her girlfriends, pretending like I, her boyfriend, didn't exist.

She was mad at me for being mad at her. Like this was all my fault. Like I haven't been dwelling on this shit. Like I said, 'Hey, Bella, I realize you hadn't touched lips with Jake in three years, maybe you should go ahead and get on that real quick?' Yeah, fucking right. This whole entire thing was fucked beyond recognition.

I wanted to hate her.

I kept telling myself over and over, you hate her, you hate her, she's a bitch and you fucking hate her now. She doesn't deserve you.

"Twice," I sneered, shaking my head as I pushed the glass toward Aaron, my baseball teammate. He happily refilled it for me. "Fucking twice now."

"Twice now what?" he asked as he pushed it back to me, full.

"Nothing." I swallowed it down and gave it back to him. "Again."

"We're out."

"Huh?"

"We're out. That's the last of it. You drank the fucking bottle."

"No shit?" I said, leaning forward and swaying a bit.

He laughed and gave me a nod.

"Then give me something else, anything."

"Anything?" A suave, sweet voice said as a breeze of gentle floral perfume passed by me. I turned to my right to find Tanya Denali, a friend from school, sitting beside me, her hair over her left shoulder as she rested her chin on it. "...Anything's a bad choice."

"Not if it gets you drunk enough that you can't fucking remember shit."

"Well, what are you trying to forget?"

"My existence," I replied hastily, glaring at the bar in front of me.

I heard laughter, and knew it was Bella's. Spinning around in the chair, I watched angrily as Mike Newton spun her around the dance floor, one hand in her's, the other awfully close to her ass as she twirled back into him. I wanted to punch him in the face. And then scream at her, 'what the hell are you doing to me? Why don't you act like you care?!'

She did earlier. Back before I started thinking about it again and told her to shut the hell up, because I wasn't interested in her apologies. I had told her to leave me be. So she did. Then she got pissed off at me, and she told me off. And she avoided me at school, which was probably a good thing, because I was too pissed off anyway.

So here I sit, at her father's old house, the one that's now in her name for no reason. She has a house key, and we came here a lot after he passed, just to get away. She doesn't actually inherit any of this shit until she turns twenty-one. It's in Renee's name, as well, until then.

But this whole fucking mess started with Jacob fucking Black. He and I ended up in jail after I beat his fucking ass into a pulp. Little bitch deserved it.

And now, he and Bella are friends again, and she stayed over at his house last night. Just hours before, she'd been begging me to fuck her. But I stopped her, turned her down because I knew we weren't ready yet. The last time we tried it had nearly killed me, hurting her like I did. I couldn't do that to her again.

So she got upset, and she left.

That's what did me in. That's what turned the tables right back around. Now, I was pissed as hell.

Because I couldn't seem to fucking win with her.

"So," she said, sliding toward me, "why do you want to forget your existence?"

"Because it's useless," I replied quietly, before looking up at Aaron. "Would you just give me something to fucking drink, man?"

"What the hell do you want?"

"A gun. But if you don't have that, then something strong enough to put me on my ass."

He smirked at Tanya. "What do you want to drink, lovely?"

She looked at me and frowned, as if she understood what I was going through. "Double Goldschlager. Warm. Make him one too."

Aaron got to work on those, while Tanya and I looked at each other.

I hated her. I hated all women. I didn't understand why God had created them, aside from fucking ruining my life and making me miserable. The only woman on this planet that did me any good was my mother. That was it.

The drinks slid to us and we swallowed them down. I about choked on it. It was the first time I tried Goldschlager, and it didn't mix well with the rotgut currently floating around my chest and burning me to hell.

"Mmm, real men can handle their liquor," Tanya teased, watching me pat my chest as she gave me a wink.

"I am a man," I scoffed, motioning for Aaron to give us another one. I'd rather drink it and throw it back up, than prove to her that I was the pussy she thought I was.

"Mark can't handle shots."

"Your man?"

"Yeah."

"Well that's because Mark is a pussy. Not me." I swallowed down the next shot, shuddering slightly, but keeping my face blank.

She grinned and did the same. "Tell me what's bothering you."

"No."

"Why?"

"Because it's personal."

"And?"

"And personal means private."

"Hello, we live in the smallest damn town in the world. It's gonna get out anyway."

I glared at her and rolled my eyes, my head finally starting to feel fuzzy. All the alcohol seemed to run to my brain at the same time. "You know what, that's not fair. If it's a small town, than you probably already know anyway. Fuck it."

"Let me guess. Has something to do with Bella?"

"How'd you guess?" I replied sarcastically.

"You two are avoiding each other like the plague, and she seems to be dancing with man after man just to piss you off... and it is apparently working."

"Fuck right, it's working. She's being a stupid bitch," I scoffed, kicking myself in the ass for calling her a bitch, then hating myself for kicking myself in the ass for calling her a bitch.

"So why don't you go tell her that?"

"What?"

"That she's pissing you off and acting like a bitch?"

"Tanya, she's your friend." I was so fucking confused and my brain wasn't cooperating with my thought processes. "Why would you encourage me to tell her that?"

"Because you're my friend also. Mark is your friend, too, but that doesn't stop you from calling him a pussy."

"He plays soccer. He's a pussy."

"What's the difference between swinging a bat and kicking a ball?"

"Baseball's hurt like hell when they hit you in the face. Soccer balls don't. It's a cop-out."

"Ohhhhh," she said sarcastically, running her fingers through her hair. "I see."

I sneered at her and turned my attention away, back to my empty glass. "You wouldn't fucking understand."

"Try me."

"She cheated on me." The words came tumbling out before I could blink.

"With?" She pressed, nonchalantly. As if I just told her it was sunny outside, some irrelevant sentence.

"With a tiny-dick mother fucker who's ass I about murdered last month."

"Mmm, it's allllll making sense now."

I looked at her and lifted my eyebrow.

"Jacob Black... Heard about it in the local paper, you two getting arrested. It was weird because I thought they don't publish juvenile shit."

"His dad hates me."

"Gee, I wonder why."

I smirked. "He may have a few good reasons. He's been pushing Bella and Assface together since Bella started wearing training bras. Couldn't help himself, when I came in the picture. It's sad when a man looks at his son, then me, and realizes I'm the better pick. He knows it, he's just naive."

She took a sip of her beer and turned to face me, crossing her legs so her skirt hitched up a bit. "Let me ask you something, Cullen. Bella and Jake have been friends for quite a long time, right?"

"Yeah." I about threw up thinking about just how long. It made me shudder.

"Then... what makes you think she hasn't cheated before or between, and just not told you about it?"

"She did cheat before. Well, not technically... When we were fifteen. But... she was liking me and she was friends with him, and like I said, both their dads pushed it at first, so she kissed him while she and I were talking... Obviously she chose me, but still. It happened. She told me about that one though. I didn't walk in on it, like this shit. I've just been trying to accept it and trying to deal with it. She didn't talk to Jake for a week and a half over it... but eventually, they made up, and I just... got so fucking irritated. I can't stop thinking about it."

"Mmhmm. So you're telling me that she's never done it since then? Are you sure she chose just you?"

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

"I'm a pro at this. So answer me. Has she ever chose to hang out with him over you? Ever... turned you down, to be the 'friend'? Does she rely on him when you two get into fights? Spend Christmas with his family and her dad? Talk on the phone with him for hours occasionally... Friendly sleepovers, perhaps?"

Yes. "...Maybe."

She leaned back in the seat and lit a cigarette, her polished red nails blazing. "Yep. She's fucking him."

"She is not. She's a virgin. Sort of." I needed to defend Bella, but I couldn't without talking about what had happened between us. And I was not talking about that with Tanya. "I don't fucking know."

"Well then she's doing everything else with him. Come on. She's kept him around for a reason."

"I have a best friend that I hang out with, without Bella sometimes."

"Yeah but have you kissed her?"

"...No."

"That's my point."

I removed my baseball cap and tugged on my hair, my stomach starting to do somersaults. "So... how the hell do you know all of this?"

"Experience. That, and I'm a girl. But, mostly experience. Recent experience."

"How?"

"Because," she exhaled, her face not cold anymore, but vulnerable. She looked down, rolling her thumbs around each other. "...Mark cheated on me a month ago."

"Shut the fuck up!" I laughed drunkenly, shaking my head. "No way."

She kept her voice quiet, as if she was ashamed. She didn't look like the Tanya we knew in school, the one who has all that confidence. "He did."

"Whatever. You're not one of those girls men cheat on, okay Tanya? You're just not."

"Why am I not?" she said, almost pissed off.

"Because. You're the most popular girl in our damn school. Men line up around the block to date women like you in High School."

"Boys line up to fuck me," she corrected, shaking her head. She looked so sad. I felt her pain. "...There's a difference."

"Aaron, give me a fucking beer," I said, before turning to face her. "Can I have a cigarette?"

She studied my eyes for a moment, taken back, "...I didn't know Edward Cullen smokes."

"Only when he's drunk, or pissed off, or both."

"Hmm," she said, lighting it for me. "...We have something in common."

I nodded, examining her flawless complexion. I couldn't understand how people like us got fucked over. We were good. We were kind. What the fuck?

She smiled at me, still visibly upset. The grin was forced.

I whispered, "...Seems we have a few things."

She nodded, smoking in silence.

We spent the next ...however fucking long... drinking in mostly silence, watching people interact, and hating everyone for being happier than we were. Bella barely looked in my direction. But she sure made sure to appear as if she had moved on from her and Jake's 'incident', like I was being ridiculous.

I pondered how many opportunities she'd had to screw around on me if she wanted to... How many times she'd hung with him, called him, seen him... The opportunities were endless, and the speculation about them just plain hurt. I grew more upset. Then I started to wonder what all they'd done... if his dick ever entered her hands, or worse, her mouth, or fucking disastrously, some place lower. The more and more I dwelled, the angrier I became, the more I wondered about what was real and what wasn't, and the more I resented her for all it.

Plus, I was hammered.

"Can I ask you something?" Tanya said softly, as she took a sip of my beer.

"Hmm?"

"Have you... ever thought about getting even?"

I snapped my head in her direction, glaring. "What the fuck did you just ask me?"

She kept herself in check, calm, saying softly, "You're human. We're just... we're human, and we have thoughts... I'm just trying to be real with you here."

Had I thought about it? "Yeah, I have. But it doesn't make it right. I don't think I could do that to myself, let alone her."

"Why not?"

"What would it solve?"

"Maybe it's... not about solving anything."

I scoffed, taking another cigarette from her pack and lighting it, before throwing the lighter down on the counter top. My ears were ringing and my body was fucking numb. I could feel hardly anything anymore. I was dead weight. I wanted to just fucking die, period. But being plastered was second best, I guessed. It'd have to do. "This fucking music is loud. It's driving me crazy. I can't think."

"Wanna go somewhere quieter to talk? That way you don't have to look at your girlfriend over there, schmoozing clumsily with Eric?"

I didn't bother to look over at my so-called girlfriend. "Yeah, whatever. Let's go."

She grabbed my elbow and we weaved through the crowd, her keeping me on my toes, us ignoring everyone who stared or tried to talk to us. It was really hard, considering Tanya and I had a lot of friends in this crowd. We ended up toward the top of the stairs, and I stared up at a faded rectangle on the wall where a picture of Bella, Charlie, and Renee had once hung.

The space, that fading mark...It looked so desolate. Forgotten.

It was me.

I was it.

"I'm that," I said, stumbling around as I stared at it.

"The wall?"

"Yeah."

She giggled, despite herself. "That makes no sense, Edward."

"You wouldn't understand." I leaned on the banister to hold myself up.

"This is the second time you've said that tonight... and I intend to keep proving you wrong, proving that I do understand."

"No one can understand what I feel like right now..." I was wallowing. But that's because I earned the right to after all this mixed-signal shit from Bella. She was a complex puzzle. I didn't get her. She didn't make much sense to me now. "No one can... feel this pain, this ache in my chest... I may be fucking... drunk or whatever, but... man... I KNOW what this feels like, because I feel it, right now, and feeling it sucks."

"Makes you want to hit something, doesn't it?"

"Yes."

"And scream at it."

"Yes."

"And just fucking… go off!"

"YES!"

"Yeah," she said calmly, after getting me riled up. "Been there."

I turned to her, stumbling backward and leaning on the opposite rail, almost falling down the steps. "Are you fucking with me right now?"

"A little."

"Well quit it. I've got one girl doing that to me and I don't need another."

"All right, I'll stop... I can do anything you need me to do, so you don't feel toyed with."

"Just... I don't fucking know. Transform into fucking Black so I can beat the hell out of you, wouldya?"

"Would that make you feel better? To just lash out at someone?"

"Yes. To get even with that mother-fucker."

"Ahhh, so it is about getting even, when it comes down to it."

I stared at her like she was stupid. She was thinking too smart for me. My brain couldn't catch up to her. "I guess."

"Then... let's do it. Pretend I'm him."

"No. If I do that, I will strangle you and knock your teeth out of your mouth."

"Well then... be associative."

"Huh?" I shouted, furrowing my brows.

"Associate me with your anger. Trust me, it helps, I've done it. If you're mad, get mad. Just, let it out."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"NO!"

"Yes."

I snapped. "God damn it, you stupid fucking bitch, I said NO. Do you have any comprehension of what that word means?"

She crossed the stairs, grabbed me by my shirt and pulled me to her. Since I had no balance, I about knockedus both down the steps this time. And then she crashed her lips into mine. I froze solid, feeling the warmth of her mouth, the air from her lungs coming out of her nose and soaking my face. My heart started to beat heavily, as if it'd woken up from a long slumber. My ears started to ring.

I didn't know what to think.

This made me hate her more. Hate her for waking me up, for forcing me to live in this moment. I didn't want to be here. I wanted to be numb. Always numb.

Feeling was worse.

I grabbed her jaw and pushed her hard, holding her against the wall. "What the fuck are you doing?! Did I tell you to come at me like that?? Are-are you insane?!"

She glared up at me, her lips open, her lipstick smeared on my thumb. Out of the side of my eye, I could see a few of our classmates gawking. I knew they saw that. I knew it was only a matter of time before Bella heard about it. But, I didn't know if she would care. I didn't know what the hell I knew anymore.

My chest was heaving, my lungs were tight, my throat was raw, and my eyes were furious. I couldn't let go of her face. I wanted to rip her head off of her body, to just fucking scream at her and take all my anger out on this poor, innocent person who didn't deserve any of it. Who had a boyfriend who cheated on her too, and was in pain. And here she was just... fucking letting me.

Testing me, she took her palms and hit my chest hard, moving me back. I jerked her face with my hand then slammed her back against the wall, sneering down at her. I was gone. Drowning in misery and intoxication. "I hate this," I spat, squeezing her face. "I hate fucking all of this."

"Yes, get it out," she said, hitting me hard in the chest again. She had to be a masochist or some shit.

Again I responded, growling as I pinned her back against the wall. "I hate you, I hate Bella, I hate me, and I really fucking hate Jacob Black!"

"That's it, keep going. You can't move on until you -" she pushed me back hard, grunting. "GET IT OUT!"

I grabbed her shoulders and shoved her back, not realizing what the hell I was doing, why I was being violent with her. I wasn't a violent person. Ever. I was never mad... until now. Until Bella did what she did. Until she crawled half naked into my bed, then ended up in Black's by the end of the same fucking night.

...She probably did fuck him.

"Get even," she said, pushing and tugging on my shirt, stretching it all to hell.

I growled again, because I wanted to launch myself out the fucking window. And then… I just crashed my lips to hers. I don't have a fucking clue as to why. It was as if colliding angrily with her face, as if glaring and sneering and shouting and pulling and tugging and growling... as if all of that was somehow... mending me.

She yanked hard on my hair and I pressed my body into hers, fitting the curve of her frame like a glove. She panted into my mouth, whimpering, and I knew she was angry for what Mark had done to her. Knew she was just as upset, just as hurt... She was using me too. That's all this was.

Suddenly, she pushed me away from her, shaking her head. "I can't do this Edward, I'm sorry."

She tried to walk away but I grabbed her wrist and spun us around, pulling her back to me and grasping her face. "You're going to. You have to."

"Why?"

"Because you started this." I kissed her again and she inhaled quickly, before wrapping her arms around my neck. We made our way down the hall, through the sea of people, pushing and tugging and cussing at each other, saying shit we should be saying to our significant others instead. It felt like the entire world started shaking and flipping really, really, really fast, out of control. Like two trains getting ready to collide. "Such a fucking bitch," I snarled, pushing a girl out of the way so we could get to the nearest door. "I really fucking hate you. I hate her. I hate you."

"I hate you too," she said, licking across my lip. In that moment, I pushed her away from me, starting to realize what we were doing. But she just came at me again, and the whole process started over again. The wheels in my head started turning, and I stepped out of my body, thinking about all the shit Bella could have done with Jacob... Where his hands were on her... her neck, her chin, her breasts... her thighs, the small of her back, the round of her hips, her ass... between her legs.

The last thought made me sick, and angrier than sin. I swung us around in a circle and her arms felt blindly behind her, knocking shit off of whatever it was that she was finally pinned against. I didn't understand. I saw white, a lot of it, and bright lights above us. But my brain wasn't functioning worth a damn. I couldn't even comprehend where I was.

She grabbed me by the back of my neck and smashed my face to hers, ramming her tongue down my throat. I started to spin, twirling out of control, my mind doing nothing but flashing back to that night, where I caught them with his hands in the back of her shirt, her body smashed to his, watching his slimy tongue slide inside of her mouth and rub around in a small circle..

I grabbed Tanya's waist and lifted her up onto whatever it was behind her, ripped her shirt off, and then pushed up her skirt. She used her hands to slide down between our bodies while she bit on my bottom lip, almost drawing blood. She was angry. Really fucking angry. But I was beyond that.

I heard the clink of my belt being unfastened and felt my pants drop down around my ankles, felt her grab my right hand and move it between her legs... But I didn't see her in front of me. I saw no face at all, just a blur, a smudge, a distorted image. Then it was Bella's face. Then a blur. Then it was Bella's. Then I saw her and Black. Then her and me. Then her and Black. Then her and me. Then just her. Then just her. Then his tongue sliding in her mouth.

Fuck you, I thought in my mind, as I swirled and swayed around while she continued to assault my mouth. FUCK YOU for fucking me.

Forget her, Edward. Forget her, forget her, forget her. I just can't fucking forget her. I think I love her. No I hate her. No you don't. Yes I do. My heart fucking hurts, but I love her and I should have told her. Why did she run to him? What if she didn't pick me? I bet she doesn't love me. Why did she do this to me? I don't fucking get it, I thought she wanted to be with me. What did I do? Where did I go wrong, why, why, wh-.

"Oh my God."

...Three words.

Three soft words along with a heart wrenching sound was all it took to snap me out of the haze I was in.

To make me realize that I did not get even, not even close.

Three words that told me I had been caught.

...Three words that told me that my world as I knew it was at an end.

It seemed like the world that was once spinning wildly out of control, rocking back and forth on it's axis threatening to fall off, was now completely still and silent. Echoing, haunting. Hollow sounding in my ears. Drained of all color. Drained of all life.

Everything happened in slow motion. I pulled my face away from Tanya, my hands still on her face, my mouth hanging open, red from where Tanya had been assaulting me. My heart froze in my chest. My blurred vision slowly regained its' clarity, and I saw Bella standing there with her face blank, mouth open. Her hand hung just above the doorknob, frozen in place. Her eyes were pained, wide in shock. Her entire body was as solid as ice. "What did you do?" she half-whispered, half-whimpered. "W-What are you... are you... doing?"

There was no answer for her. I wasn't capable of providing one. In that moment, it wasn't about what she had done to me, how she pained me, scarred me... It didn't make retaliation right. It didn't justify anything.

Through the unfathomable pain in her eyes, I saw my own demise. I was no longer me, no longer her Edward, or any Edward at all. I was empty, hollow, nothing more than a shell.

It was obvious. Bella hated me now.

And without her, I was dead.

---

BellaPOV

...I was dead.

In that single moment, I felt everything... every emotion, every memory, every thought, feeling, mistake, ...all of it float out of my body, and leave me forever. I wasn't Bella anymore. I wasn't anyone. I couldn't be. Not if the person I belonged to... did what he was doing right now.

I felt nothing. I was physically numb. My brain kept signaling like a fire alarm buzzing in my head. React! React!

But I couldn't. All I was capable of was a blank stare... watching the way their mouths connected, hearing the panting bouncing off of the bathroom walls, echoing in my ears. I heard words, my own voice, but I'm not sure what I said. I couldn't understand this, couldn't comprehend how drastically everything flipped around.

Everything around me slowly drowned out, the way a television does when you slowly turn down the volume... from really high to mute.

Run, was the only thing I heard.

Run away.

So I did. I turned on my heel, my face still frozen in shock, and took off, running through the tight-pressed bodies. I stumbled down my father's steps, toward the front door. I needed air. I needed everyone to vanish. I needed to think.

The world started spinning, faster and faster, going nowhere and everywhere simultaneously. I couldn't catch my breath. As I reached the bottom of the steps, I felt a hand grab me, and twist me around. It was Edward, holding his pants up, his knuckles clenched around his belt buckle. We stared at each other for a moment, frozen, our eyes, our expressions the same. I'm not sure either one of us knew what to do, what to say.

I wanted to hit him. I wanted to slap him across the face and make sure he felt the pain I felt right now. Just looking at him hurt. I wanted to call him a hypocrite. He'd chastised me for things that Jake had done to me. And, yet, here he was, doing one and the same.

Edward reacted first, pulling me halfway back up the steps, "Please, wait... B-Bella-"

"Let go of me!"

"Wait, let me try to figure this out!" he shouted back, still not letting go.

"You better let go of me," I said, my body shaking as much as my voice. "I mean it, Edward."

I pushed him away from me, about knocking him down the steps. But he managed to hang on and twist us around. "I made a mistak-"

"LET GO OF ME!"

A few of his teammates from the baseball team intervened, separating us, telling Edward to calm down.

My chest heaved as I stared angrily at him. I still wanted to slap him, but I knew that the smartest thing would be to get myself and everyone else out of there. So I screamed for Emmett, who was visiting his friend from college. He came, helping me clear everyone out. He left with Edward as soon as it was over. My sister made sure he didn't come near me while the party was winding down.

I don't know what I would have done if he touched me at that moment. It would have felt foreign.

When I got home, I didn't sleep. I was just there. Dazed. Confused. Unable to muster a thought.

No sound, no tears, no shouting, no throwing things... Nothing.

He took it all away from me.

---

Present Day

---

BellaPOV

"Bella," Edward said, exhaustedly, as I slammed my locker shut. "Please talk to me."

"We have nothing to say to each other." I turned and walked down the hallway, toward Mr. Varner's class.

He ran after me. "Yes, we have a lot to say about this. We need to talk this through."

"I don't want to talk to you."

"You need to."

"No. I have absolutely no desire to hear you voice whatsoever."

"Stop it."

"No."

"Yes."

"No, I don't have to list-."

"Bell-"

"Edward, I don't know how to make it any simpler for you to understand. I don't want to talk to you, hear you out, or even look at you right now."

"I know you're upset. Believe me, I was upset too. But I was really drunk and hurt, and I didn't fully unde-"

"Don't give me that, Edward," I said as I twisted and glared up at him. "That's what all men do. They apologize, say they didn't know what happened, that they were drunk, it didn't mean anything, it won't happen again. But it's all a fucking lie. It's obvious you wanted Tanya. She was the one who would actually fuck you, because you couldn't seal the deal with me."

"Are you kidding me?!" he said, pulling his head back as our classmates passed by us in the hall. "You think that I wanted to have sex with Tanya because you and I haven't yet?"

"Isn't it the truth?"

"No!"

"Bullshit, Edward! Don't fucking look at me and lie to my face! I don't even get you. I don't understand. You are not the same person I was with."

"Bella, you kissed Jacob first! It may not have been yesterday, but it was recent, and I couldn't get over it, and that's not my fault. What makes you so high and mighty, suddenly? What's the difference between my tongue being rammed down Tanya's throat, and his being rammed down yours?"

"See, you're so stupid. First of all, listen to your own words. You had your tongue in her mouth, and he had his tongue in mine. I was not kissing him back. I tried to push him away from me. But you were kissing her! Willingly! That's the whole point."

"What is?"

"You wanted to fuck her."

"No I did not!"

"Then why did you almost do it?!" I shouted back, angrily. The bell rang, and students started to file into their designated rooms, leaving us bathed in the echoes. "Why would you turn me down?" I asked, putting my free hand on my hip.

He exhaled, throwing his head back. "Oh, here we go again."

"WHY?"

"Because we weren't ready!"

"Oh my God, Edward. I threw myself at you! Me, you're girlfriend! And you had the nerve to reject me. And then the next night, you're in the bathroom with her!"

"Bella, I didn't want to hurt you again! Besides, after I tried my hardest to make sure you didn't feel rejected, you still got upset, and went to fucking Black's house! You slept with him that night."

"That doesn't give you the ok to go screw another girl in my dad's bathroom, Edward! I didn't do anything with Jake. I slept on his couch, he was in his room. I just didn't want to be in your room after everything went down! I didn't feel comfortable being there! And I couldn't go home because my dad thought I was staying at a friend's house! Besides, why would I tell you I was going to Jacob's house if I planned to do something with him?!"

"You tell me."

"You're just trying to find excuses, I think. And no matter what you tried to do that night, I still felt rejected because you did reject me!"

"It wasn't like that though! September 13th, months ago, we couldn't finish, and that was fine. I wasn't upset. But you come to my room in skimpy lingerie, out of fucking nowhere, as if that's going to take the physical pain away for you?! No! It doesn't work that way!"

"So you did want to fuck her."

"No! Stop putting words in my mouth! I cannot apologize to you anymore than I have."

"Then shut the hell up and quit doing it. Because it's not going to make one bit of difference."

"B-"

"Excuse me?" Mrs. Jordan walked toward us, while we stared each other down. "What is going on here? Why aren't the two of you in class?"

We didn't respond.

"I'm talking to you two."

"We heard you," Edward sneered, not moving his eyes from mine. "We were just heading there now."

"Then get to it, before I report the two of you to the principal."

Edward stepped closer to me, eyes black and evil, ignoring her altogether as he pointed his finger in my face. "You... are a fucking... hypocrite."

"Yeah?" I answered, trying to ignore my shaking voice and the tears in my eyes, "And you're an asshole."

"Okay! That's it! Come with me, right now." She reached out and grabbed our arms, moving us.

Edward jerked away from her hand. "Get the fuck away from me. Don't touch me."

"Mr. Cullen!"

"I'm going home," he said, still angry with me. "You can call me when you grow up and then we'll talk about this, Bella."

"Not happening."

"Yeah," he scoffed, "you're probably right. Growing up seems highly unlikely for you. I'm not sure what I was thinking."

He stormed off, mumbling under his breath.

I wiped my nose, fighting back tears as I looked at Mrs. Jordan, who was still leading me toward the front office. "Please let go of my arm."

She did, motioning me with her hand to keep walking. But I couldn't handle this, couldn't be in school. I jerked away and took off running, ignoring her shouting. I didn't breathe again until my truck was on the road and I was away from the building. I knew they were going to call our parents, tell them what happened. I was so frustrated that I didn't care. I just had to get out of there.

I felt like my entire existence had been ripped away from me.

When I got to my house, low and behold, there was a shiny Volvo sitting in my drive. It took every bit of restraint I possessed not to ram my rusty old truck into it.

I swung the door open and then slammed it shut, glaring at the childish boy leaning against his hood with his arms crossed. "Get out of the driveway before I call Phillip and make him rush home."

"We have to talk."

"Go away."

He ran out in front of me, his hands on my arms. "Bella, we have to talk about this."

"You told me to call you when I wanted to talk. You left school, left me alone with Mrs. Jordan, and now you're here at my house?! Make up your mind, Edward. What do you want? Who do you want?!"

"I want you!"

"Bullshit."

"It's not bullshit!" He didn't let me walk away, putting his entire body in my path as I tried to steer around him. "It's not. Tanya doesn't mean anything to me. I want you."

I shook my head quickly. "You know, my mom told me that we were probably to young to be getting so involved with each other, and the more I think about it..." I slowly inhaled, tears streaming down my face as I looked him in the eyes and whispered, "...I think she was right."

"No, Bella. She isn't. We both just fucked up."

"I can't look at you right now. You can't be here."

"I don't have anywhere else to be, Bella, but right here apologizing to you. I didn't want to have sex with Tanya, or anyone else but you. I need you to believe that. Believe that I care for you. I wouldn't have been with you for this long if you didn't mean anything to me."

I couldn't stop the tears falling from my eyes. I couldn't stop the pain in my chest. I couldn't understand, two nights ago I was trying to give myself to him, and today... "It's over, Edward."

He stared at me for a second, then shook his head. "No."

I nodded numbly, slowly.

"No, Bella. We just have to work through this. This is just a rough spot. We'll get through it."

"I don't want to."

"Bella, we both fucked up, but we can fix this. We're standing here, okay?" There was exasperation in his tone, a worried fear. "We can fix this."

He stepped closer, framing my face, leaning to kiss me, to kiss my pain away.

But he couldn't. Not this time.

I turned my face, forcing his lips to touch my cheek instead. "You... need to leave," I whispered. "Before Phil gets here and sees this."

"Please just," he whispered, sniffling against my skin, "please just... let me stay here, Bella. Let's talk, okay? I need you."

"You don't need me," my chin quivered, as I tried to pull his hands off of me. "You don't want me."

He kissed my cheek, tears falling from his face to mine, streaming down my neck. "You're all I want. I'm so sorry, baby."

"Stop, Edward."

"Please let me stay... Bella, please stay with me."

"Go..."

"Please ss-"

"E-Edward," I shut my eyes, as we shook and cried, his face against the side of mine still, both of us desperate, "it really... I can't... you have to go."

"I'll do anything. Anythin-"

"It's done. We can't go back."

He forced my face to his and pressed his lips to mine, our tears mixing on our faces, me pushing him away and him pulling me closer.

He shook his head, gasping, "...think of this. Think of this, of what we've shared... there's no way it's over. Just think about it, please."

"Okay," I nodded, closing my eyes. "But you have to go."

He nodded, kissing my forehead and pulling me in his arms, squeezing me tight, his arms over my shoulders, my face buried in his chest. I didn't want his scent to comfort me anymore. I didn't want to depend on his arms. I was so confused, so angry, so heart broken.

"I'll call you later," he whispered. Then he jerked away from me and stalked over to his car, never looking back at me as he drove away.

That was the first time I truly realized we'd never be the same.

*&*#!#$^%$^

The next couple of days passed in a blur. Edward didn't call me.

We avoided each other in the halls. We didn't look at each other in the classes we shared. Tanya was in my gym class. She never once came to apologize to me... the girl who tried so desperately to be my best friend.

I didn't speak to anyone, unless I was being called on to answer a question. I avoided all gossip, tried my hardest to ignore what people were saying and suggesting.

I wouldn't talk to Renee, Phil, or Rosalie.

I was just numb.

I ran my fingers through my hair, my knees bouncing, my body jittery. I stared at my wall, full of pictures of me and him, distant memories of a once-beautiful life. Us at Homecoming. Us at the cabin. Us on my eighteenth birthday. His arms around me while we swam in the lake. Me on the bleachers, with him standing up to bat, blurred in the background. Me wearing his baseball shirt and short shorts, laying on his bed the day I didn't want my picture taken. Me and him in the backseat of his Volvo while Emmett drove us home from a party after we got wasted. Edward, Alice, and I during a fund raiser. Me on his shoulders at a Coldplay concert... The memories were there, in front of my face, but none of them held as much meaning anymore.

It seemed like everything was fake... like those people in the pictures, kissing and holding hands... they weren't us. Just strangers standing in the reflection of a life we once knew.

My sister came home shortly after. She'd heard about the break up, even though she wasn't in school anymore. Word gets around fast in a small town. She didn't ask me any questions, didn't make me tell her what happened. Instead, she just lay with me, in silence, in the darkness of my bedroom.

I wanted to cry. The only time I'd cried was when Edward touched me because it broke my heart to feel him there. But when he wasn't, I couldn't cry. I was a blank page in a notebook.

The following morning came. I stared at the clock, waiting for the alarm that told me I had no choice but to get up and face the day. I went through the motions of getting dressed, not bothering to put on make up or make myself cheery. There was no point to any of that anymore. I had no one to impress. And even if I did, I had no strength to put up the effort.

When I walked out to my truck, I noticed something taped between the door and the frame. I pulled it out, and inside was a letter:

'Dear Bella,
I am unsure if I have the courage to face you, afraid that you'll make me leave again. I'm unsure if I can call you, because I don't know if hearing your voice will break me, or the sound of you hanging up on me will. All I can do is apologize. We were both in the wrong, but I know this is mainly my fault. I miss your eyes and the way you smile at me. That's all I think about, and it pains me to know I may never see that again. Please know that I never meant to hurt you. I was just trying to make sense of everything. If I could change it all back, I would. But we both know that I cannot do that. I realize the implications of my actions, and I know that you probably can't think of any reason to forgive me. Still, I write this, asking if you will. I'm not sure if I'll be able to breathe without you. Yours Forever (if you'll have me), Edward.'

I took a deep breath, staring at the paper. I didn't know if I could trust him. Didn't know if it would make a difference, us trying again.

All I knew was that my life didn't make much sense without him.

---

EdwardPOV

"Baby, eat something."

I sighed, face in my hands as I sat against the island. "I'm not hungry."

"You haven't eaten in two days."

"I know." I frowned, looking down. My stomach was in knots. "I don't feel so well."

"You don't have to go to school if you don't want," my mother said as she ran her fingers through my hair. "You can stay home with me. Get some rest."

I shook my head, my heart clenching. I'd never had a broken heart before. I didn't know how to deal.

"Did you take that letter to her?" my mother whispered softly.

"Yeah. I taped it to her door."

"Maybe she'll call."

I shrugged, hoping she was right.

"...Or, maybe you'll have to let this go for a while."

"Mom," I shook my head, growing frustrated, "I can't just... let go of Bella. It's not that easy. I fucked up and I fucked her up in the process."

"She messed up first, baby. You were both wrong here, it wasn't just you."

"What if she didn't try to kiss him back? What if I got it all wrong?"

"Well... what if she did?"

"It still wouldn't excuse anything. Still wouldn't make what I'd done right."

"I'm not saying it would, only that there's two equal part-"

"Look, mom, I really appreciate you letting me vent to you these past couple of days. But really, I can't talk about this any longer. I just... I'm going to be late for school."

"You're not going to stay home?"

"No." I grabbed my car keys and my Physics book. "I'll be home after school."

"Edward, if it gets too rough, just call me and I'll give them permission so you can leave."

"I'll see you later," I called out, before shutting the door. I breathed in large gulps of oxygen, hoping it'd calm me down. It didn't.

Nothing in this world seemed right without Bella in mine.

*&*#!#$^%$^

The drive to school was filled with a mix of intense emotions. I couldn't talk to Bella for a few days after she told me to leave Phillip's driveway.

When I got to school, all I heard was everyone's opinions: 'Oh, she's been doing that for years, you didn't know? How could you be so blind, everyone knew about it? There was this one time when I saw her and Jake in the mall, he had his arm over her shoulder and was saying something in her ear; they didn't look like 'just friends'. She's young, she should be single, you were her first, and most firsts aren't the last. Do you remember the time that she backed out on our practice to go see him on the reservation instead? There was this one time when Black was bragging to everyone, saying how he got to spend so much time with her, how she stayed over at his house, how their dad's were best friends, how she cuddled up with him at the bonfire that one party... Black isn't the only guy she's acted like this with, she flirts with everyone...'

It was a non-stop mindfuck. By the time I'd parked my car in front of the school, I wanted to bang my head into the steering wheel. I shouldn't let people influence me. I shouldn't let them bring me down. I knew who the real Bella was. No you don't, they would say to me. Apparently you didn't.

But I did. I was sure I did. I had to see her. I had to talk to her. I couldn't give a rat's ass about those people and their foolish comments. It was a small town, and people fed on drama here. They were just wanting something to gossip about. But they didn't know us like we did. I had to take this chance, had to tell her I wanted her back. Now. Today.

I had to go in there, keep my chin up, avoid all comments, and find her. I had to put it on the line.

I sped through the school, walking as fast as I could, around the halls, through the crowds, shoving my way until I reached our senior hallway. I saw Bella heading toward her locker, her hair in her face, looking down as a group of girls who didn't like her called her a slut and asked her how stupid she was for cheating on me. I'd gotten the same type of flames as well, but it seemed to be more obvious with her. People knew I'd beat the fuck out of them if the kept talking shit about me, but Bella... she was reserved. She wasn't the type to get into too many fights. Now I found myself resisting the urge to beat the fuck out of them for talking shit about her. But, I couldn't focus on that now.

Taking a deep breath and holding it, I jogged over to her. "Hey," I said, squeezing my hand tight to fight myself from rubbing her back like I'd normally do. "Did you get my letter?"

"..Yes," she said, not looking at me, but pulling books out of her locker.

"...What did you think about it?"

"Did you mean it?"

"Of course," I said, as Tyler passed us, shouting 'Uh oh, they're at it again!' I glared at him, half-tempted to knock him on his ass. "Of course I meant it, Bella."

"I'm not sure what I think about it. I'm not sure if I trust you, but... I don't know anything. I don't know why I can't stop missing you."

"Yes you do. You do know why."

"No I don't."

"Bella," I grabbed her chin gently, forcing her to look at me. "Look me in the eye and tell me that you don't know why you miss me."

She closed her eyes and shook her head.

"Tell me."

"I can't... All I ever knew was you..."

"That's got to count for something right? I really need you to give me another shot here."

She shook her head.

"Bella, I swear, I'm begging you. Please." Despite the crowd, I got to my knees in front of her, squeezing her hand.

"Edward get up off the floor. You're making a scene!"

"I'm b-"

"Get up!"

"No, not until you le-"

"Edward, please get up. Please. Please."

I shook my head, silently. People were whistling, trying to distract us, telling her not to take me back, or calling me stupid for asking her to take me back.

She closed her eyes, unable to pull her hand from my tight grasp. "You're making a fool out of yourself."

"I've all ready done that. But I want you. Please."

She finally got her hand free, and she rubbed it with her other palm. "I'll tell you after class."

Then she left me in the hallway, a group of girls ten lockers down, glaring at me. Obviously, they were on her side. It took everything I had not to tell them to take a hike.

I spent the next hour in a haze. I couldn't tell what I had learned, because I didn't learn anything besides how to watch a clock slowly count time away. By the time the bell rang, I was so nervous I felt sick to my stomach. I left my books in the classroom, everything had on me, and booked it out of the room to make sure I was at Bella's locker before she got there.

She sighed, walking toward me defeated.

I didn't look away from her.

"...Fine, Edward."

"Fine what?"

"Okay... We can give this another shot."

"Do you mean it?"

She nodded, swallowing hard. A sense of relief washed through me as I pulled her into my arms, knocking the books out of her hand, and squeezed her as tight as humanly possible. "Yes, thank you Bella. You don't know-"

"Don't fuck me over again, Edward. I've done nothing with Jake that you should resent me for."

"I won't. I swear, I won't."

"Because I won't be able to take it again. I can't handle this."

I set her on her feet and cradled her beautiful face, ignoring everyone shoving their way around us. "I won't fuck you over, Bella."

*&*#!#$^%$^

We skipped the rest of the school day. Tomorrow was senior mid-terms, so we decided to get a break from all the fucking questions and go to my house to study. Most importantly, we just needed to be together. I'd never been so happy to study in all my life. Any chance I could have to be with her, I took it.

We didn't talk a whole lot about it. We should have, but we didn't. Maybe we thought it'd be bad karma. Maybe we were both trying to forget.

We made out, and she stayed over after lying to Phil about being at 'Denise's house'. I wanted to have sex with her that night. I remember thinking, over and over, about how close it could make us feel, after all of the things we'd said and done. How it'd renew us, in a sense. How we could both have something to give, to share.

But I couldn't bring myself to do it.

The next morning came like a cool breeze, a breath of fresh air. We were happy when we woke up. We flirted while we got dressed. We went over our flash cards, made sure we were fully prepared to handle whatever test questions were thrown at us.

It all seemed too wonderful, too easy. There was a thought in the back of my mind, telling me the worst wasn't over yet. I shoved it away.

When we arrived to school, hand-in-hand, we thought people would start to mind their business and accept that we were back together. They didn't. The stares, the gossip, everything came harder, full-force. We couldn't walk two steps without someone gawking at us, without hearing destructive whispers.

I tried my hardest to convince her to ignore them, to tell her that it'd blow over, and something else would come along to cause gossip sooner or later. That we wouldn't have to be subjected to it for much longer.

I was wrong. The bashing grew intense.

I couldn't even convince myself. It's a hard thing to do when it seems like the entire world is against you suddenly.

I began, once again, to second guess everything.

---

BellaPOV

"I heard he couldn't get a grip on her, so he gave her permission see Jake behind his back."

"I heard that they had sex. She lost her virginity to him, and then he didn't want anything to do with her. He was screwing Tanya behind her back the whole time. Everyone knows that. I cannot believe she took him back."

"Did you know that Bella was the first girl Edward ever had sex with?"

"Did you hear about the time that Tanya snuck over into his bedroom? I heard neither of them got any sleep."

"I wonder how many times Jacob Black has crawled in Bella's bedroom in the middle of the night. I'm sure he does things that Edward couldn't do."

"Cullen is stupid as hell for taking her back. The girl's going to fuck him over again. Did you see how upset they were at the party? He's a fucking idiot, man!"

"She's so stupid for taking him back. What does it take for a girl to learn that, once a cheater, always a cheater."

"It's not going to last much longer, honey."

The first six hours of class sucked. After lunch, the gossip was worse. I heard Tanya had a hand in it.

By fifth period, I wanted to fucking hurl myself off the tallest building I could find in Forks. Then I remembered, there were no tall buildings in Forks.

I held back tears as I walked toward Edward's classroom. I knew he'd still be there. He always stayed after in Mrs. Dean's class, because he was a student aide next period. Plus, he was taking his mid-term there.

I had to see him. I knew he'd make this all better, all their words, the violent outbursts, the 'SLUT' that was written in permanent marker on my locker between second and third period. I just had to see him, find my strength in him. Make it all go away.

I noticed him walk out of the room as I reached it, and the expression on his face explained a lot. He was hearing it too. Dealing with it. He was exhausted.

And it put knots all through my stomach. "Edward," I said, rubbing his arm, "are you okay?"

He nodded, not saying anything. Something was off. I could tell, and the thought made me sick.

"Are you sure?" I asked, my voice barely audible.

"I'm tired," he said, and I knew it was a lie. We went to bed early last night, just happy to be back in each other's arms.

"Do you want me to go and get you some coffee out of that cappuccino machine? I can just tell Andrews that I was using the bathroom and that's why I'd be late."

He shook his head. He didn't take my hand, or put his arm around me like normal.

I didn't know if I should push him to talk or not. I wasn't sure what he was thinking.

"Bella," he sighed, rubbing his face, "would it be all right if I didn't walk you to Andrews's class? I gotta get back. I've got to help grade papers this hour."

I nodded, swallowing hard. "Sure."

"Okay. I'll see you later..." I thought he was going to bend over and kiss my forehead or something. Instead he lingered there for a moment, studying my face, confusion on his. Then he just turned, and walked away.

That's when the next downpour fell from my eyes. Needless to say, I was still late to Andrews's class..

*&*#!#$^%$^

Edward stood next to my locker, 'the 'SLUT' inscription been keyed and scratched out, his hands in his pockets, a permanent frown on his face.

I could tell clearly that his mood hadn't gotten any better. My optimism had vanished by lunch, and my own mood went down the drain, as well.

People were too vicious for two single souls to compete with. I had heard so much in seven hours that I couldn't distinguish what was true and what was pure fabrication anymore.

I looked up at him, unsure of what to say. My heart was on the floor.

I thought getting back together would have been easier than this.

Edward barely breathed. I knew something was terribly wrong. I saw it in his eyes. No sparkle, no life, no shimmering gold flecks in the green anymore. They were lifeless. "Skip this hour with me," he demanded, his voice bitter and disconnected.

"Okay," I whispered, nodding my head. I would have done just about anything to get myself out of there. I was pretty sure that if I stayed, that last hour would be the end for me. I couldn't handle another stabbing pitchfork, another bash in the head from a flaming torch.

We drove in an uncomfortable silence. Not touching. Barely looking at each other. I kept trying to tell myself that it would pass, it was because we were both drained. Tomorrow, there would be no way the kids would be as vicious as they were today.

I figured we were going back to his house. So when he turned into Phil's driveway and didn't park the car immediately, I knew something was horribly, horribly wrong.

My heart sank into my stomach as I turned slowly to look at him.

His eyes were distant, his fingers clutched on the steering wheel, his body about to cave into itself.

"...Edward?" I whispered, trying to smooth things over somehow, "...It's just one day, you know? It will get better to-"

"I failed my mid-term." He said dejectedly. "Both of them."

I pulled my lips in a tight line, unsure of how I should respond, "Maybe they can let you retake them if we come up with a good re-"

"No. They won't."

"But Mrs. Dean loves you-"

"That doesn't mean that she should single me out, Bella," he replied hastily. "Why should she? It's not like I'm the only teenager in the world who's ever broken up with someone before."

You didn't break up with anyone, I thought to myself. I broke up with you. But now we're back together. "You never know," I replied, meekly.

He quickly unfastened his seatbelt and turned off the car, before climbing out. I watched as he walked around and opened my door. "I should get you inside. It's going to rain."

I nodded, swallowing hard and fighting back tears as we made our way through the hollow house. My parents were at work and Rosalie was back at school. We walked up the steps, toward my room, and I noticed that he lingered in the door frame before slowly entering and closing the door.

I dropped my stuff on the floor and sat on the edge of my bed, fighting the will to cover my chest protectively. He was just acting so weird. I hated it.

I didn't know if I should be protecting myself or giving myself away. After all, that was one of the biggest issues we'd faced. Maybe if we could just get over that part, we could find a way.

Shivering, I stood up slowly, and walked over to where he was sitting on the edge of my desk. I couldn't speak as my hands roamed up his chest, toward his chin. I raised it to make him look at me, and tilted my head, trying to find the picture behind those green eyes of his.

"Will you kiss me?" I asked nervously.

I watched as he frowned and closed his eyes. He didn't move at first, making my body hurt more. But slowly, he did as I asked. There, of course, was something different about it. The way his hands held onto the back of my neck, the way his eyes were scrunched, as if kissing me pained him somehow.

I whimpered into his lips and threw my arms around him, forcing him harder against me. I'm not sure if I could even process a rational thought. All I knew was that I didn't want to feel what I was feeling, I didn't want him to be hurting. That we needed to be together, and maybe sex would fix it.

It took everything I had not to just use my knees and climb up his body. I just wanted him to throw all of this shit out of his mind and be with me. That's what would cure us. That's what would put us back to how we were, back to where we needed to be.

I started to walk backward, pulling him with me, never letting him go. I couldn't stop kissing him, even when the backs of my legs hit the bed. I fell onto it, yanking him with me, pulling his black t-shirt up in the process. It reached his shoulders, and tried to somehow move it so that I didn't have to stop kissing him as I pulled it off. I couldn't.

Suddenly, he jerked away from me, stretching out his shirt as he moved off of the bed. He backed up until he hit the wall. His eyes were lusted but torn, his mouth ajar, his chest heaving.

I sat up, my hand on my chest, staring at him.

It was silent for a few minutes, as we both struggled to catch our breath.

I watched as he unlocked himself and rubbed his face, shaking his head. Then his arms slumped to his sides, where his shirt was showing glimpses of muscled torso, and he slouched over a bit.

"Edward," I said, crawling on my knees toward the end of the bed again "...please. Stay here with me."

He shut his eyes and then he shook his head, slowly.

"I don't want you to leave," I whispered, unable to fight the tears as they streamed down my face.

His expression changed several times, too quick for me to process what he was feeling. All I saw was pain. Seven different shades of pain in his eyes, across his cheeks.

"Please Edward," I begged, shaking my head.

He pulled his shirt down to cover his stomach and walked toward me, bending down in front of my knees. I held my breath as he looked around the carpet, then up toward me, then back down. Then he tentatively wrapped his arms around my waist and pressed his ear to my heart, giving me a hug.

I didn't move.

I listened to him sobbing, but he quickly recovered, wiping his face with the top of his arm.

Then he pulled away, and fell back onto his heels, his body slouching, defeated again.

"...Edward?"

His eyes found mine, his chin quivering, and then he whispered back, "...I can't stay with you, Bella."

...At first, my brain thought he meant for the night, like he wanted to go home and be by himself for a little while.

Then he sniffled and stood up, wiping off his knees. By the way he was acting, I knew it was much bigger than just for the night.

"What do you mean?" I asked coldly, finally giving my arms permission to wrap around myself as I stood up. "I thought this, t-that I, was what you wanted."

He shook his head, shrugging his shoulders. "I don't know what I want anymore."

"But this is just a phase. This high school thing, this bickering, it's just a phase. Like you said, they'll find something else to talk about after a while, and they'll learn to acc-"

"We're graduating, Bella. This is the last year, and like my dad told me the other night, we have a long way to go to find out who we are. Most high school relationships, they don't last... That's what everyone's saying... Emmett, my mother, your step-father... We can't hold hands for the rest of our lives and pretend everything else doesn't exist. It doesn't work that way."

"Stop it," I demanded, ignoring the wetness on my face. "Stop listening to everybody else and feel what you want to fe-"

"I am feeling!" he shouted, pounding his chest with his fist. "And this sucks, Bella. I feel like my entire chest is either going to cave in completely or explode into pieces. I cannot eat, can't concentrate. I can barely sleep. I fucked up in school. And no matter how many times I've tried to tell myself that we both fucked up, I still can't shake the fact that I am angry with you for messing all of this up."

"ME?! I thought that we were over that part. I thought that-"

"How do I know though, Bella?! How can I trust myself to trust you?! How can I honestly believe that you and Jacob have never done anything, when there's all this evidence, all these reminders, coming at me from every direction?! Why would I still be hung up on this if I had forgiven you like I thought I had?"

"I forgave you!"

"Yeah, you forgave me so you wouldn't feel as bad about getting caught. Because I had evened up the score."

I gasped, stepping back, shaking my head, "That is not why I for-"

"Bullshit, Bella."

"It is not bu-"

"IT IS! You know it is! That way, the blame cannot be put fully on you, because I reacted after you. Yet, look where we are now?! You know that I would have never been in that bathroom, heartbroken and numb, purely reacting in anger, if you hadn't have fucked with Black for so long."

"How do I know?"

"Because I wanted YOU!"

"Oh, is that why you rejected me?!"

His voice dropped as anger clouded his eyes, "How many times do I have to tell you that I didn't want to hurt you?"

"Oh, sure, it's all about me, isn't it?" I scoffed. "Maybe you just wanted someone else, like Tanya for instance!"

"If I wanted Tanya, I would have fucked her."

"You almost did! And you would have, if I hadn't caught you!"

"And why was I in there in the first place, Bella?! How could I be sure that you didn't make it with Jake?!"

"Because you should have TRUSTED ME! He kissed me, but I didn't want him to, I was trying-"

"Bullshit, Bella! Come on, grow up! You two kissed years ago, fine. You chose me, so no big deal. But this is YEARS LATER. Years of fucking slumber parties, phone calls, choosing him over hanging out with me, your parents going on and on about you two. A part of you fucking liked the attention he gave you, and a part of you wanted him."

I growled in frustration, swiping my tears away. "I wanted us to be together. I wanted to give myself over to you. I'm sorry that it hurt after you pushed through, but that's because I was scared. It was new! What did you expect?!"

"This is not about the sex, Bella. It never has been, not with me. It's about me wondering what you two have done behind my back for three damn years."

"NOTHING!"

"How do I know?!"

"Because you know me!"

"Do I?"

I covered my throat, unable to comprehend how mean he was being.

"Do I really know you, Bella? Or do I only know half of you, the half you share with me and not him?"

"That's not fair. You have Alice."

"And I've never once, ONCE kissed that girl, or anything close to it. EVER! Don't throw her into this."

"Oh, I forgot. Poor innocent Alice never does anything wrong. Heaven forbid I bring your best friend in the mix."

"Now you're just trying to find someone else to blame," he shook his head, his voice eerily calm. "This is what you do. Cannot take the blame for your own actions, so you search your mind until you can bring something else into it. But the fact of the matter is, I would have never even had a conversation with Tanya, never kissed her, never ended up in Charlie's bathroom, if it hadn't been for..." He stopped, so he could count on his fingers, ".... your insecurities... your fears... your inability to have a clean commitment... and your stupidity for not pushing away Jacob fucking Black when he first threw himself at you. I'm sorry, but this is not my fault. Not completely. I may have been stupid and I may have been angry, selfish, and an idiot. But I did that because YOU fucked us up first."

My entire body was shaking at the way he sneered at me. I'd never seen him so angry, so accusing.

Was this my fault?

What did I do?

I hiccuped, closing my eyes, holding myself tightly "I never... wanted... Jacob."

He shook his head, dejectedly. "Well I can't want you."

I snapped my head up, looking at him in disbelief.

"We're no good for each other anymore, Bella. What we built... it's lost. It's shattered. There's no trust."

"So..." I swallowed, backing away from him, "what are you saying?"

"I'm saying... I'm going to leave. Clear my head."

"And then?"

He shrugged, heading toward the door, swiping his keys off of my desk. "...I doubt that I'll be back over tonight."

"If ever?" I asked, coldly.

"Yeah..." he whispered. "...If ever."

He closed the door without looking back.

---

EdwardPOV

As soon as I climbed into my car and drove away from Bella's house, I felt something in the universe change.

I couldn't drive.

I had to pull over, remind myself to breathe.

I wasn't sure if I could remember how. There was this part of my mind, telling me to turn around, to go back. But then there was this other part that told me to keep driving, that we were over. It's what I chose, what she chose first. I listened to the second thought, because the first hadn't seemed to get anywhere good these past few days.

I didn't cry, didn't break down, until my father asked me where Bella was, hours later. He saw us come home yesterday, knew she had stayed over. He didn't like the idea of Bella staying in my room overnight, but my mother convinced him to let her because she knew we hadn't done much, and that I needed us to be alone.

I was sitting in the living room when he asked me. I shrugged at first, not wanting to use my voice. My mother, knowing me so well, took two seconds to get down the steps and in front of me. I looked away, because I was angry at myself, angry at Bella, angry at the world for fucking me over royally.

She saw right through me. She knew I had broken into their liquor cabinet. She knew I was upset.

I waited until Carlisle had excused himself from the living room. He wasn't good at comforting me, never had been. He only comforted his work. That was his wife and child, not us.

My mom led me to her bedroom and closed the door. I sat on her bed and fell back, staring up at the ceiling. I listened as she walked to the other side and sat gently, before brushing her fingers through my hair, a motherly gesture I used to love as a child.

"...Didn't go so well," she said softly, not questioning.

I closed my eyes and nodded.

"What went wrong, baby?"

"I tried, mom. I really did, but... it just got to be too much... I couldn't handle it, what everyone was saying. I couldn't get the ideas they'd put in my head out. I just saw her, with him, over and over and over again. Wondering if she fucked him, wondering if that was the reason she..."

"If she what?" Esme asked tentatively.

I sniffled, exhaling slowly. "Do you remember when I took Bella down to the cabin for her birthday?"

"Yes."

"We almost... I mean... we did.... We had sex. But... it hurt her. She just couldn't relax... so I stopped it."

"Oh honey," she sighed.

"It makes me wonder if she couldn't relax because she had done it with him, and maybe she felt guilty."

"Do you really think that?"

"I can't help but wonder."

"Maybe... it was just overwhelming for her... Sex is a big deal, baby. And for a young woman... it's a lot more extreme than for a man. I'm not saying that you weren't feeling new things too, but... a girl has to give her entire body away. She has to give her permission for a man to use it, to fill her, in an emotional and physically beautiful way that nothing else can. And once she does, for the very first time, you can never get that innocent part of you back. It's as if you're handing yourself over to that man, saying 'Here, take me, I want to be yours'... and for Bella, just turning eighteen... that's a big decision."

"I thought it was what she wanted. That I was."

"Maybe you still are... but, if you two had stopped, and now all of this is going down, she's probably really torn about your decision to stop as well. She's probably thinking, on one side, 'Hey, I'm really glad we didn't go through with it, since we didn't last', while, the other part of her could be saying, 'Maybe we should have just finished, maybe it would have helped'. When kids have sex, they don't realize that they are engaging in a whirlwind of emotions. It's just so much more than a physical feeling. That's why we, as your parents, try to express to you how important it is to think ratio-"

"Mom," I exhaled, shaking my head, "please don't lecture me."

"I'm not trying to baby," she said, her voice still calm. "I'm just trying to get you to understand how she may be feeling."

"What if it's true, though. What if she did fuck him?"

"...Then that's something that she is going to have to deal with herself."

"If she would have never been with Jake, then I wouldn't have ended up with Tanya."

"Tanya?"

I shut my eyes, wishing I didn't feel as comfortable with my mother as I did. "Tanya Denali. At the party, before Bella and I broke up... I lied to you. She caught me in the bathroom with her."

"Tanya caught you in the bathroom with Bella?"

"No. The other way around. I lied to you, when I told you why Bella broke up with me. I was... with another girl."

"Edward," she said exasperatedly, "why would you do that?"

"Because I was hammered and upset and had all these damn thoughts rattling around in my head, and Bella was being a bitch, flirting with other men, ignoring me for a fucking week, and Tanya was going through the same thing with her boyfriend, and I was just so fucking angry, at everything, and... It just happened."

"Did you... lose your virginity to Tanya?"

I shook my head fiercely. "I lost my virginity to Bella. And... I didn't have sex with Tanya. It didn't... get that far."

"Edward... this... is a huge mess of things. This isn't you and Bella..."

"I know," I frowned.

"...Your father, Renee, Phillip, myself... We've all worried that you two were too young to be this involved. There's too many emotions for you two to handle at such a young age."

"I thought she was the one, Mom. I thought age didn't matter, because she was the only person that seemed to complete me. She understood what everyone else couldn't."

"You don't know that for certain. You haven't lived long enough to be certain that she's the one, and neither has she."

I stuck my hand in my pocket and yanked out the white box. "...I really thought she was."

My mom reached over and grabbed it, opening it slowly, before gasping, "Edward... where did you get this?"

"I bought it the day before last, before Bella and I got back together... Emmett went with me. He tried to tell me not to do it."

"Okay..."

I closed my eyes. "I wiped it all out... All my anger, all my hurt. I told myself, convinced myself, that Bella loved me, and that this ring would make it all better if she took me back. That after graduation, I was going to ask her to marry me. I've been telling people for awhile that I planned on it. But after we split and I lost her, I realized how real it was... That I was sorry for what I'd done, that I could forgive her for what she'd done... That this would be the easiest way to tell her that I still wanted her."

"Did you show her this?"

"No. I broke up with her instead, because I am a dumbass."

My mother exhaled softly. "Maybe this is all just a sign."

"A sign of what? That God wants to punish me?"

"No, sweetheart. God doesn't punish anyone. He doesn't get angry, doesn't strike down... He has a plan for you, for all of us, and maybe... splitting with Bella is a permanent in your plan."

I shook my head. "I don't know anymore. I miss her, so much, al-fucking-ready. I want her back. I had her back, but I fucked it all up again, and now... I want her back. I have to have her, because I don't know what else to do, how to be without her."

"Maybe that's another sign."

"A sign of what?" I growled, tugging at the ends of my hair. "What is the sign now?"

"That you two need to learn how to be dependent on yourselves, and not rely on each other for everything. You're too attached."

"What if I love her?"

"...Do you?"

"What if I do?"

"If you did... you'd know. You wouldn't have to ask yourself, Edward."

I bit my lip and shook my head.

"Why don't... you go talk to her? Calmly... I will... put this in my safe, and if you two work things out on your own, then you can come and ask me for it back. We can talk more about what you plan on doing with this ring then."

"Okay."

"Go shower, take your mind off of it for a little while... It'll be here, and so will I, when you need me."

I nodded, giving her a hug, whispering, "thank you for understanding."

"Oh, it's my job baby," she hugged me back. "I'm not here to discipline you. You're too old for that. I'm just here to tell you that, whatever it is you're going through, I've either been through it myself, or know someone who has... You're never alone. Know that, all right?"

I nodded, kissing her cheek, and walking away before I cried in front of her.

I never liked to do that. Maybe I got that from my dad.

---

BellaPOV

My mother lay behind me, while Phillip sat on the edge of my bed, holding both of my hands in his.

It was strange, and comforting, to have them there. I didn't want to be alone. My feelings, my emotions, this confusion... it frightened me, and I knew I couldn't handle it myself. That it'd all consume me, and leave me nothing but bones.

"It's never easy..." my mom whispered, kissing my shoulder, "...things like this, it's really hard. It bruises your heart, can leave permanent scars."

"I thought that he wanted me," I sighed numbly, closing my sore eyes. "But he said he couldn't want me."

"Well, then he's not worth anymore of your time."

"Phil," my mom hissed. "Be understanding."

He nodded, closing his eyes and rubbing the back of my hand. Phil had a love/hate relationship when it came to Edward that only I understood and accepted. After Charlie passed away, it took about a year for me to accept Phil as my only father-figure. But once the wall had crumbled, I grew really close to him. He had become my confidante. I never called him 'dad', never wanted to replace Charlie in my heart. But he became a best friend to me. Someone who I talked to and vented with...

Basically, he and Rosalie took the brunt of my pain when Edward and I would disagree.

I'd always tell him that we'd made up, and he'd accept Edward again. But, when we'd fight again and he'd find out, if not from me, then from Rosalie or my mother... it'd be back to square one. I knew he was just trying to be protective of me. Regardless that he wasn't my real 'dad', to him, I was still his 'other little girl'.

I closed my eyes, swallowing. "Maybe Jake and I shouldn't be friends anymore."

"Edward can't be the only male in your life, Bella," my mom explained. "That's unhealthy."

"But Jake always has a way of coming between us... I know that... I let him. It was so easy to run to him, to get a guy's perspective, especially because he would know more of what Edward and I were going through, than some adult -- no offense."

"Did you like the attention he gave you?" Phil asked. "If you were being honest with yourself?"

I closed my eyes and nodded sourly, "...Sometimes."

"In Edward's defense, and I don't know why I am giving him one," Phil explained, "...an emotional affair is the same as a physical one, Bella. If running to Jake is your source of comfort when things go astray with your boyfriend, if him complimenting you and making you feel better does something for you...then you're having an emotional relationship with him."

"But I didn't mean to!"

"How are you certain?"

"Because I..." I wanted to tell him I loved Edward. I've been thinking it for quite some time now.... But now, I wasn't sure if I wanted to love him anymore. "Because I had a boyfriend. I would never cheat on Edward."

"I think Edward and you are going off in opposite directions," he said calmly. "I think it may be for the best. I don't like that he's got you so down, turned you into something broken."

I started to cry again, unable to control my emotions.

I thought about Jake, the night that Edward busted into my room, weeks ago...

FLASH~

"Bella," Jake said, as he climbed in my bedroom window, startling me.

I turned around, my hand on my heart. "Jake! What are you doing, you're gonna get yourself hurt!"

"What?" he dropped down onto my carpet, dusting himself off. "You said Edward does this all the time."

"Yeah, well he's had a lot of practice," I hissed. "Unlike you. You're allowed to use the front door!"

He smirked, fixing his shirt. "I had to come over and tell you something. I've been thinking about it all day."

"What?"

"First of all," he said, "when you called me last night. You said you wanted to marry Edward."

"Yeah..."

"Why?"

"What do you mean, 'why'? He's the one."

He walked over to me and stood, towering over me the way Edward does. "Don't freak out on me, okay?"

I crossed my arms over my chest, lifting my eye brow.

"You're too young to know that, Bella."

"I am not! We've been together for years now, Jake. We've gone through so much. I'll marry him right now if he asked me to."

"You're too young, Bella! All you know is Edward, you say it yourself, all the time. You've never experienced other options, so how could you know that HE is the one, when you've never been with anybody else?"

"I just do."

"I don't think you do. I think you want the fantasy. But the truth is, Bella, when people our age get married, it hardly ever works out. People fall out of love quickly, quicker than they fell into it. Realization comes, with bills and responsibilities, and it's not enough to keep two people afloat."

"No, I-" I shook my head, as I started to cry.

I didn't want to hear that we wouldn't work out. We HAD to work out.

Jake moved towards to me, and held me in his arms, letting me get it all out.

Like always, he held me for so long, and I felt warm and comforted as he did, because he was my friend, and was just looking out for me.

...Right?

"Okay... " he said, pulling away but still towering over me. "Remember how you came over last week, after you found out that Edward skipped school with Emmett and you were really pissed off?"

I nodded.

"Why did you come to me?"

"What do you mean?"

"Why me, Bella?"

"Because I always come to you," I said, shrugging. "Just like you come to me when you're upset. You're my friend-"

"But, why? Why is it that I run to you, that you come to me?"

I started to become flustered, "I-I ... don't know."

"I think you do know," he said, stepping closer to me. "I think we've both known... somehow, somewhere. It all just hit me, really hit me today. We know."

"Jake, like normal, I have no idea what you are talking about."

"Maybe it's not about talking."

"Why do you keep skirting around the subject?" I laughed, shaking my head. "Explain to me in English what you mean, please."

"...Again, maybe it's not about talking."

I dropped my hands to my hips, "What's it about then?"

"This," he said, rushing up, moving his arms through mine and around. I thought he was going to hug me again at first, so I didn't move.

Then he pressed his lips to mine and pulled me up against him, his left arm holding my back, his right hand moving beneath my shirt, to rub my skin.

At first, I locked up, trying to figure out what the hell was happening, because I didn't expect it.

Then my hands drew up to his shoulders, and I grasped his shirt, trying to push him away from me.

He was too strong.

"Just feel for a second," he said against my lips, before applying more pressure.

I tried to move my head back so I could breathe. But he took advantage of my open mouth as an opportune time to slide his tongue inside.

I fought to still my emotions so I could unravel them. It had to be my body's natural reaction to physical contact with a male. And, after a second, my body knew it, too. I felt the wrongness of it. It was the wrong male body. I didn't want him. He was NOT my boyfriend.

I squeezed his shirt, trying my hardest to push him away...

Then something hit Jake, and our bodies were ripped apart. I fell toward the ground gasping, as Edward had Jacob pinned on the bed, holding his chest firmly and punching him in the face. Jake hit Edward back to get him off of him, and then pushed him, and eventually got Edward to budge. Edward threw another right hook, hitting Jacob in the jaw, and then my parents ran in, Renee breaking them apart.

Phil called the cops. Jake's dad picked them up, and took them home.

It took a week for Edward to accept my version of what happened.

But I guess, in the long run, he never accepted it at all.

~FLASH!

I closed my eyes, shaking my head. I just wanted this all to go away.

The more and more I thought about things, the angrier I grew.

I was mad at Jake, mad at Edward, mad at myself for growing more confused.

What did this all mean?

Was this my fault?

Should I have known what Jake's intentions were?

Did I lead him on?

Did I like the attention, more so than I should?

Was it only when Edward was off with his friends, with Alice and Emmett?

...Or was it truly something else?

No, I thought, shaking my head. It couldn't be.

There was a logical explanation for all of this.

Maybe you're not the one for him, something told me. Maybe Tanya is. Or someone else.

No. No, no, no, that is unacceptable.

He doesn't want you, Bella.

And you can't want someone who doesn't want you back.

Be strong right now. Build up your armor, and be strong. That was the last thing I heard, over and over and over. Be strong. Build up walls. Get mad.

So I did.

Phil and Renee eventually left me to myself.

I grew angrier and angrier by the second. Angrier with Edward. Angrier with myself for the way I ran to Jake when we fought, when I guessed I shouldn't have. Upset about stopping Edward on my birthday. Upset that I wasn't enough for him. Upset that Tanya, the stupid pretty blonde with the enormous breasts, blue eyes, and no brain was what he resorted to.

...At one point, I looked in the mirror, fuming.

I didn't recognize myself any longer.

*&*#!#$^%$^

As I was ripping out entries from my journal, my window opened, and Edward stumbled in. Drunk.

"Bella, please, just talk to me for a moment," he begged, pulling me back away from my bedroom door, because I didn't want to be in the room with him. "Please?"

"Why?" I said, slapping his hands away from my hips. "I have nothing to say to you."

"I know you're upset, but I'm begging you, just hear me out-"

"I don't have to hear you out, Edward," I said, pushing him back. "I've heard you loud and clear."

"Bella, please, keep your voice down," he whispered, pulling me to him by my shirt. "Five minutes, that's all I'm asking for."

"You'd better get out, Edward. This isn't my dad's house. Phil's bedroom is right next door, and if he hears you, you've got three stories to tumble down, and not just two."

"Bella," he was exasperated. "I'm sorry... for everything. I don't know how else to say it, but I'm just fucked up. I fucked up, and I am trying to tell you how sorry I am for everything."

I shook my head, glaring at him. "You keep saying you're sorry, but it's not about what you say, Edward... It's what you do. And you cheated on me with Tanya. Okay, fine, I got my heart broken. Then you try to talk me back into a relationship, and after so much begging, I say, 'okay, we're going to give it another shot', because I missed you too... And then you say, 'Um... Bella, I don't think this is going to work out'... What the fuck, Edward? What do you want me to think here?"

"It's just," he started, shaking his head, "it's everyone around us that's fucking me up. Their comments, their stares, the rumors, the gossip... It's too much to handle, I couldn't even think straight in class. I failed my midterm, I couldn't answer questions correctly, I-I-"

"You're going to have to stop pleasing everyone else, Edward, and do what you want to do. You knew this was going to happen when you asked me out again! This is high school!"

"I didn't know it was going to be this bad," he said, shaking his head. "I had no fucking idea!"

"Well..." I scoffed, hands on hips as I backed away from him, "you do now."

He noticed the tears falling down my face, but I stubbornly swiped them away. "Just get out, Edward. I don't want you here anymore. I just... I don't want you."

You can't want him Bella. He doesn't want you, so you can't want him anymore. Keep your armor up. LET HIM GO.

"Bella, please," he whispered, trying to grab my body again, "I know you don't mean that."

LET HIM GO, you're not good enough for him apparently, Bella. Get him out.

"PHIL!" I shouted, regretfully slapping his hands away. "Phil, come here! NOW!"

"Bella," he said, shaking his head, "stop, please. Please, just stop. Don't get him to come in here."

"Get out, Edward."

"No."

"Get out."

"You're not going to make me get out, Bella. Not til... Not until you talk to me, until we can make this right... Until you can forgive me."

I glowered at me, wiping more tears away. I had no other choice. I couldn't keep doing this to him, to myself. So I shouted at the top of my lungs, "PHIL!! Edward is in my room, he snuck up here, and he won't GET OUT!"

Three seconds later, the door was almost broken off its' hinges as my step-father came pounding into the bedroom. "Edward Cullen, you better get the hell out of my daughter's room."

Renee grabbed hold of me as I started crying, the reality of the situation hitting me. I didn't want him to leave. I shouldn't have shouted for Phil.

Edward stared at him, trying to hold his ground, "I'm not leaving."

"Like hell you aren't."

"You can't make me leave," he said, glaring over at me crying while my mother cradled my head. "She and I need to talk."

Before anyone could react, Phil grabbed him by the back of his neck, and slammed him against the nearest wall, his cheek crushed against some picture of me and him from the last homecoming dance. "You need to learn who you're fucking talking to, son. This is my house, and that is my daughter, not your girlfriend any longer. And you will not dictate how she will or will not live her life. Do you got that?"

I was starting to hyperventilate as I crawled toward them, but my mom stopped me, wouldn't let me go. "Phil! Don't hurt him!"

Phil eventually loosened his grip on his neck, and he stumbled backward, re-situating his shirt. She's not even your fucking daughter, Phil. She's Charlie's."

Then he turned to look at me, his face full of shock and disbelief, then back to Phil. "...and Charlie would have never fucking treated me like you just did. Even if Bella and I were having problems."

"Stop it!" I screamed on the top of my lungs, fighting against my mother, trying to reach out to Edward, to save him. I had to get to him, had to fight. "Let him go, don't hurt him! I didn't mean it! LET HIM GO, PLEASE! Oh my GOD, don't hurt him! Edward! Phil, let go!"

I watched as Phil dragged Edward's body across the wall and out of my bedroom. But I couldn't see past that, as my mom was holding me so tightly, covering my eyes. I heard a lot of fumbling, and some gasps, from what I presumed was Edward trying to fight his way free of Phil. Then it got silent, and the front door opened and slammed quickly.

I finally got away from my mother and ran toward the window, in just enough time to see Edward lying in a heap on the grass, as if he'd just woken up.

"You're right, Edward. Charlie would never treat you like I do," Phil sneered at him. "But he's not here now. I am... In fact, if he were here, I'm sure he'd say he was very disappointed in you."

Then he slammed the door, and audible click of the lock, leaving Edward out in the grass. I screamed for Edward, tried to climb out of the window, but my mom wouldn't let me. Phil had the cops here in two minutes. Billy Black picked Edward up again.

I pushed away from my mom, and tried to leave the house several times to make sure he was alright. They wouldn't let me use the phone, wouldn't let me out of my room, they stayed in there with me and monitored me like a child.

I lost Edward. I'd never been so foolish in all my life.

And this is what happened because of it.

I knew right then and there that I'd never forgive myself for what I'd done to him.

---

EdwardPOV

Billy taunted me the entire way home.

He told me what a fucking loser I was, told me that I'd never amount to anything. Told me that the only reason he felt pity for me was because I had a father who clearly recognized how worthless I truly was and didn't want anything to do with me. He said how sad it must be when my own father chose to stay at work instead of take the time to raise me properly. That Carlisle must have predicted I'd grow to be a waste. He told me that I'd never be good enough for any woman, especially someone of Bella's caliber. That I may as well start finding chicks beneath me, who'd 'spread easily' and 'not make you call them the next day'.

And to add icing to the cake, he also told me that he'd make damn certain that, as long as I was in Forks, I couldn't go near Bella again outside of school, per Phil's orders tonight on the phone. Phil was slapping restraining order on me for the next six months... just long enough to get Bella out of the house and in college... far away from me.

I was seething.

I had never been so angry in my life. It wasn't because Phil knocked me unconscious as I tried to get back up there and talk to her. It was because Bella allowed it to happen. She knew what she was doing, calling him in her bedroom. Knew he'd make a scene, throw me out.

It was as if she wanted to add more pain to what I was already barely surviving.

I couldn't believe her.

I bent my head forward, wiping my busted lip on the shoulder of my shirt, since my hands were cuffed behind my back. According to Billy, I was temporarily detained for trespassing, as well as breaking and entering. He told me not to push my luck and smart off, because he'd add more charges if necessary.

"FUCK OFF," I spat at him, tempted to just go apeshit on the mother fucker.

"Fuck off," he repeated with a chuckle. "Why, Edward Cullen, you just made my night."

"With pleasure, you insignificant piece of shit."

"And it just keeps getting better and better."

"Take the badge off, pull the damn car over, uncuff me, and we'll see who gets the last grin."

"Keep it going, Cullen. We can do this all night."

He pulled into my parents drive, where Carlisle and Esme both stood. My father had his hands in his pockets, his V-neck sweater primped, while my mother stood in dress pants and a red tie around shirt, her hands toward her chin. Billy uncuffed me, a smile on his face, as if he hadn't been insulting me the entire ride home. Oh yeah, you're just the perfect Samaritan, you stupid mother fucker.

"We're sorry about the confusion," Carlisle said, glaring from me to him. "If you'll just step inside for a moment, I'd love to have a word with you regarding this before you're on your way."

"Certainly." Billy removed his hat, grinning over to me. "...These things happen. Boys are young, just being boys."

"Yeah, you s-" I started to say, rubbing my wrists where they'd bruised because Billy purposely put them on too tight. My mother covered my mouth as profanities flew, and grabbed hold of me, making sure I didn't physically assault a police officer as they entered the house and closed the door.

I jerked away from her and stormed off, angry at the world. She called out for me, but I ignored her as I tore into the woods. I wandered for a while, my body aching from the assault and still being drunk. I was sure Billy was going to add that on the tab tonight.

I didn't care anymore.

I waited until she went inside before I went over to Alice's house. Her and her mom were out for the night at a movie, but I knew where they hid a key. I found it and went inside, opening up their liquor cabinet with the same key, pulling out a tall bottle of Jose.

Then I went back to my car and sat on my hood, staring up at the sky.

I'm not sure how long I was out there.

I didn't care anymore.

Time didn't matter. I had nothing to look forward to.

I closed my eyes, and prayed to be taken away.

*&*#!#$^%$^

"Edward?" My mom asked as she zipped up her jacket. "What are you doing out here?"

I took a heavy swallow, looking up at the stars. My back was cold, lying on top of the hood of my silver Volvo. It was beginning to get uncomfortable.

But I didn't care. How can anyone care when they're broken?

"Baby?"

I took a swig of Jose, and wiped my face on the back of my hand, "Nothing."

"Is that alcohol?"

"Yep," I replied coldly.

She sighed, climbing up on my hood beside me. "Why are you drinking again?"

"Why not?" I scoffed.

"Edward."

"Mom, please. Don't fucking bark at me, okay. Just let me drink."

I could hear her sigh. "Did you, uh, get to talk to her at all?"

"Yep."

She turned to face me, but I wouldn't look at her. "And?"

I pursed my lips, focusing on one star, "It's over, Mama."

"She wasn't buying it then?"

I shook my head, "Go ahead and laugh, let's hear it."

"Baby I would never laugh at you. I'm sorry that you're going through this, but I promise that y-"

I cut her off by launching up into a sitting position, and tossing the leftover contents in the glass bottle against the garage door. "Just SHUT THE FUCK UP! Okay? Mom, can you do that for me? Stop fucking promising me shit, because it doesn't help. You can't promise me anything. How can you promise something about someone else? You don't know their intentions, their thoughts. You don't know their feelings. How the fuck can you guarantee me shit?!"

"Edward," she exhaled, holding her hands in surrender mode, "please calm down."

"Don't tell me to fucking calm down," I spat, sliding off the hood and pacing around the front. "My life is over."

"Your life isn't over baby," she pleaded, looking over at me with sad eyes. "It's hard, I know it's hard, but it's not over."

I turned to her, fire blazing in my eyes.

"Don't tell me that you know," I spat venom at her. "Because you don't know. You don't know how this shit feels. This pain, this hurt, just fucking..."

I began to clutch my jacket over my heart, balling pieces of the fabric in my fist so tight I could rip it to shreds with my hands. "...this aching shit. You don't know anything about this."

I watched as my mother fought back tears, and it made me hurt worse.

"She doesn't fucking want me," I replied, kicking the top of the broken bottle across my driveway. "She said it, loud and clear. It's fucking OVER."

"Baby, listen to me," my mom replied, sliding off my hood and running to cradle my face in her hands. "I know you're upset, and you have every right to be. Phillip should have handled it differently, he shouldn't have hurt you and called the cops, and your father is taking care of that now, okay? But listen to me son. I know you're heartbroken, I can see it in your eyes. But being angry isn't going to make her come back to you, okay? You need to give her time, and yourself time. You both just... need time to think. To reassess. Okay?"

I slumped over drunkenly, and sat down on the cold pavement.

My mother knelt in front of me, wiping away my stupid fucking tears.

"I hate her," I whispered into my mom's arm. "I fucking HATE her for this shit."

"Shhh, it's going to be okay."

I shook my head, "It's not. Don't you see it, Mom? It's not going to be okay."

"Shhh, I've got you."

"Stupid crying like a fucking baby," I mumbled into her jacket, "fucking crying shit. What the fuck."

"It's okay to cry angel."

I shook my head again, fighting back more anger that wanted to boil up and make me start fucking swinging. "I'll never forgive her, or myself for this shit."

"Shhh, Edward. Don't say that."

"I won't."

My mom let me cry in her arms, let me curse and swear and throw swings and everything else.

She let me rampage, break shit in her kitchen, go off on her and my father.

And though I was numb, I remember her coming into my bedroom that same night.

And I told her something we've never forgotten: "Mom, promise me something. No matter what I do or say. No matter how much I beg and plead and throw tantrums and say it's what I want... Promise me that you'll never let me get that close to Bella again. Ever. I never want to put myself in a position like this again. If I make it out of this hell, just... promise me you'll never let me fall for her again."

She put my head in her lap, brushing her fingers through my hair. "I'll do whatever it takes to make you happy, baby. I'll do my part. I'll fight for you."

"Promise me."

She bent down, kissing my temple, "I promise, baby."

She let me vent and miss a week of school, despite finals.

She let me try to figure out a way to breathe without Bella.

...I barely survived at all.

---

BellaPOV

Both Phil and Renee got the silent treatment from me for not only the rest of the night, but two weeks following that as well. After I started speaking again, it was very short answers and questions.

I didn't have anything to say.

School went by in a haze. Phil was adamant about keeping me away from Edward, but he didn't pull me from the classes we shared, instead taking it up with the principal to arrange our seats be as far apart as possible. It wasn't until months later, after I started college that I found out that Phil had actually placed a restraining order against Edward, forcing the school's hand to do even that much.

Everyone at school knew we were no longer together.

The vain attempts to break me down worked sometimes, but others, I ignored it completely.

I had done a good job keeping the armor up that I'd built for myself. I grew cold, and bitter, and angry.

I didn't speak to Jake. I barely acknowledged my friends at school, or my sister Rosalie.

We officially broke up mid-January, with almost four months remaining of school. We'd pass each other in the halls, barely making eye contact. The stuff we had that belonged to each other we found ways to either give it to someone else if they needed it, or return when the person wasn't around.

No phone calls. No emails. No visits.

Any mutual friends we had made time to spend with us separately, or chose one over the other, after they got tired of trying to make us come back together and 'be friends'. It would never happen.

We were both too angry, too resentful, at each other, as well as ourselves.

I decided two days before graduation that all I needed was myself. That I'd learn to grow, to not need him anymore. That I'd force myself if I had to.

Tanya Denali made sure to hang out with him and Alice during graduation rehearsals. I watched as she flirted with him, pushed him away. Most of the time, he didn't say much, but on a rare occasion, she'd get him to smile.

It made me sick. And even more upset. Made me second guess myself, thinking... 'Maybe he did have feelings for her after all'.

Graduation came and went in a haze. Edward walked with Alice. I walked with my friend, Denise.

Through the ceremony, we didn't acknowledge each other. Our parents didn't even talk.

People started to talk about parties, running around to different cars, gathering up in packs. My parents left, giving me permission to stay out late. I considered going to Randy's party, and as I was walking toward my car to join the rest, I saw Tanya run and jump on Edward's back, throwing her legs and arms around his body.

Flashes of the bathroom incident hit me, her hands in his hair, them panting in each other's mouths, her legs wrapped around his waist with her skirt pushed up and his pants down, their bodies almost making contact there...

I shut my eyes and turned toward my car, my hand shaking as I tried to unlock the door.

"Bella," came an exasperated voice from behind me, causing my whole body to tense.

I shut my eyes, trying to tell myself I was imagining things.

"...Bella..." he whispered, a hand hooking around my arm and spinning me around slowly.

I stared up at him, trying to avoid the flashes of Tanya, the hand that was now on me was once on her thighs....

"What do you want?" I sneered, taking him aback.

He looked at me, swallowing hard, as hurt surfaced in his eyes.

I crossed my arms, jerking out of his grasp. "Speak, Edward."

"I.... uh...." He licked his lips nervously, trying to sort through his thoughts.

"Edward?" Tanya shouted, from the back of Adam's crowded truck, where half the baseball team and cheerleaders were, "COME ON!"

He ignored them, taking a step toward me. But I backed away, pressing against my car.

"Bella, I'm not going to hurt you, I just want-" I could see more hurt in his eyes at the thought that I was afraid of him.

"EDWARD!" Adam shouted in unison with Tanya, her stupid laughter ringing in my ears, flashes of her biting down on his bottom lip.

"Bel-"

"Go fuck yourself, Edward. Your bitch is waiting in the truck."

He stared at me for a moment, in complete disbelief that I had spoken to him so viciously.

I couldn't believe it myself.

I didn't know if I meant it. The words just came out before I had time to process them.

He nodded, backing away coolly, his hands in his pockets, "...Okay then."

He turned on his heel and ran forward, grabbing Alice and helping her into the truck, before climbing in himself.

I turned away as the group of people there shouted about being free.

I, however, never felt more locked down.

*&*#!#$^%$^

Bitter was the only way to describe me as the weeks of summer passed.

I didn't speak to many of my friends from school. Eventually, I made up with Jake, but things were never the same. He started to hang out with Rosalie more, which was fine by me, because I wanted to leave everything that was a reminder of mine and Edward's relationship here in Forks.

Word flew around in mid-July that Edward and Tanya were seen making out during the fireworks. It was clear that all the gossip I'd heard about him was probably true. That he did have sex with her. They were together.

I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs. I was so mad at him for trying to pin what Jake had done on me, when I was unwilling.

I wanted to kick and punch things for allowing him to convince me that he was right, that it was my fault.

I didn't know who's fault it was, or if it was only the matter that we weren't strong enough to survive high school.

I never found an answer for myself.

*&*#!#$^%$^

I walked to my truck, loading the last box in, wiping off my hands. "Well, that's everything!"

My mother and Phil gave me their goodbye hugs, my mom holding on way tighter than normal and for longer than I would have liked.

I wasn't comfortable with everyone acting like I'd never return.

"Oh Mom, you'll see me on Christmas," I reminded her, pulling away gently and closing my eyes as she peppered kisses along my cheek.

"I just... love you... so much."

"Let her go, Renee," Rosalie chuckled, giving me a brief hug. "She'll make it, look at me. I'm there, I'm doing it."

"Oh Lord, help us all," Phil teased, rolling his eyes as he wrapped his arms around Renee and Rosalie's shoulders, holding them in place.

I climbed into my truck, excited about where the future was going to lead me... Nervous about the fresh start.

"Oh Bella," my mom said as she tried to step forward but couldn't. "There's an envelope in your glove box, with your birth certificate, and doctor's records, just in case."

"Thanks Mom," I said, waving to them and blowing kisses.

I drove away hearing faint well wishes, and exhaled as I drove down my lane and onto the highway.

I tried my hardest to keep my chin up, to remind myself that there were other people in the world, and I'd find someone else for myself.

I knew I was lying, so that promise never held up.

*&*#!#$^%$^

When I arrived in front of the dorm, and unloaded all my things, I finally met my roommate, Colleen. She reminded me that I'd need my records before we could walk to registration.

She followed me to my truck, chattering about all the cool things we could get into, since we shared the same major desires. I knew, somehow, that we'd grow to be best friends. She was amazing, already.

As I reached inside my glove box, I jerked out the manila envelope hastily, and shut my door, exhaling with a smile. "Ready."

"Yay!" she squealed, running over to me, but she stopped before she could hook her arm through mine. "What's that?"

"What's what?"

"That," she pointed, to a white piece of paper that was closed in my door.

"I don't know," I murmured, opening the door and dislodging the object,

It fell to the parking lot and I picked it up, furrowing my brows.

My heart began to race as I unfolded the crinkled paper, and my throat quickly became dryer than sand paper.

Because written there in an elegant script I would always recognize instantly, were words from a person I knew too well: "...Goodbye, For Now..."

I gasped, covering my mouth, the paper from my fingers.

It took Colleen a good ten minutes to get me to unlock from the statue I'd become.

"What," she said, pulling my arms from my chest, "what is it?"

I quickly closed my eyes, shook my head, rebuilt my armor, and forced a fake smile, before picking up the paper and shoving it hastily into my pocket, "...It's going to be a long four years, that's what."

---

----AUTHOR'S NOTES----

So there we go, Outtake #7!

-- A/N: I know. :( It's sad. But now you see why they were so angry, for so long, and had so many questions of who's fault it was, and what had they really done, and what could they have done... So many things left to ponder, left open. Now you see why they made up so easily in the cabin, because they were just exhausted of it all. They knew, for 4 years apart, that no one else replaced each other in their hearts. They had to learn how to grow up, how to be more understanding. They had to realize that it wasn't other people's opinions. That's why they put up such a front with their friends, their families at the cabin. They had to learn how to trust before they could allow themselves to love each other again.

-- Also, did you notice a lot of parallells? From Edward grabbing Tanya's face and her thinking it was okay to kiss him (like in Ch 33) or Edward hugging Bella before the 2nd break up (like Ch 21).
There's a lot in there, if you look close... ;)

Thoughts? There's plenty more to come, so stick around!! AND REVIEW!!!

Reviews are better than knowing that they pulled through!! THANK GOD! :D